(cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here's your moment of zen. >> i caught up with sarah palin, the only person who is here today who wasn't here last night, she hasn't declared. i asked her who was responsible for the

(cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: that's nice. that is really nice. folks... (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i guarantee

you/guran-damn-tee you crowds do not chant like that for drew barrymore. (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us, everybody. please, heroes, folks, barack obama is spinning his lies again. first it was whoppers like "i love america" and "i'm the president." (laughter) now he is spinning giving americans health care into something positive. >> health care reform-- also known as obamacare. by the way, you know what? let me tell you, i have no problem with folks saying obama cares. i do care. >> stephen: nice try, mr. president. (laughter) folks, you can see the game he's playing here. he broke up the word obamacare into obama and care. that's not where that word came from the etymology of obamacare is actually oh, be bam!

a car! eee! (applause) check your dictionary, it's in there. this indicates that the program is like a buick that hits you in the crosswalk and then drags you to see a government doctor who replaces your lung with a muffler. look it up. the point is, folks, in politics messaging is everything something i learned from colbert super pac's two recent commercial blitz for rick perry. they cost a lot of money, folks. ad time in des moines does not come cheap. plus we blew a ton of cash hiring andy serkis to play the corn cob. (laughter) and i promise you, we are going to keep the ads coming because two weeks ago i got asked what the colbert super pac stands for and i wanted to ask you, the super nation, to tell us what we stand for as colbertsuperpac.com.

so far, 53,000 of you have responded. now, i plan to read all the submissions... (laughter) ... which i am completely capable of doing because reading is something i definitely know how to do. (laughter) but due to the massive volume, we instead use computers to crunch the data. so let's head over to the persuade-u-lux 6000. (cheers and applause) welcome. welcome to the persuade-u-lux. where eloquent speech becomes good and stuff like that. (laughter) i had my staff generate something called a word cloud, a visual representation of your most frequently used words. the more you use them, the larger they would appear in the cloud. so, nation, i give you what you stand for! (laughter)

okay, there it is. (cheers and applause) evidently marijuana very high on your list. (laughter) i have forwarded all your contact information to the d.e.a. so they can find out just how much you care about it. your voices will be heard. (laughter) now, folks, while this is good, this tells us a lot, i believe democracy means one man, one vote for one dollar. (laughter) remember, super pacs only exist because the supreme court ruled that money equals speech. so we generated another word cloud. if you gave me one dollar, you got one vote. $100, a hundred votes. meaning while this is what you said, this is what i heard. boom! as you can see, marijuana now much smaller.

(laughter) i can barely read it, particularly with my glaucoma. (laughter) now, that's a lesson to your stoners. if you want to make a difference... if you stoners want to make a difference, spend less on the whacky tabaccy, more on the super pacy. (laughter) okay, i look around here, i'm seeing education, i'm seeing people, tax and government no (bleep)ing idea what that means. (laughter) okay, but for help on crafting a message i went to america's foremost expert on helping people realize how they already feel. frank luntz. this is the man that reframed the estate tax as the death tax. health care reform as government takeover of health care. now, some critics have called luntz a spin doctor who manipulates public emotions, but

luntz would reframe that as fox news analyst. (cheers and applause) frank luntz. that's frank right there. that's the man. i recently sat down with frank luntz in his mind lab. mr. luntz, thanks so much for talking to me today. >> pleasure. and it's doctor. >> stephen: it dres? >> yes. >> stephen: okay. frank... (laughter) i want the best for my super pack. you worked with huge people: newt gingrich, microsoft, mcdonald's. if ♪ i'm loving it... is that you? >> no. >> stephen: can i get that guy? i thought you were that guy. >> no. >> stephen: okay. (laughter and applause) your slogan is "it's not what you say, it's a what they hear." >> the key process in communication is to listen to

your audience carefully and actually hear what they're saying and understand the hopes and fears behind.... >> stephen: i'm sorry. i didn't catch some of that. can you repeat it? i apologize. you have to do what with your audience? (laughter) >> listen. >> stephen: listen. okay. listen. >> focus. focus. now look them straight in the eye. not with a big eye, i mean like... there you go, that's better. don't squint because that looks like you're being dishonest and don't breathe heavy because.... >> stephen: man, i'm doing my best here, you're jacking me all over the place. >> the idea is to challenge you but not make you feel uncomfortable. that's great, what you just did. >> stephen: what did i do? >> you adjusted your glasses. you demonstrated an intellectual capability. >> stephen: really? >> there's two ways to do that, the one is the glasses adjustment, the other one would to take them off, look at them,

ponder for a moment and then you put them back on. a little bit slower. you want to be more subtle. there's that slow approach. (laughter) now you think, now you put them back on, gives you a chance to pause. people look and say "you know what? he was really thinking about what he's saying." >> stephen: when, in fact, i'm merely taking a long pause. this is so good. you've helped come up with some notable terms in our political discourse." energy exploration." how did you come up with that? >> it was trying to come up a more positive vision. >> stephen: instead of what phrase? >> drilling for oil. >> stephen: dilling for oil. does it matter if most energy exploration is oil drilling? >> but it isn't! >> stephen: it is.

>> there are other forms of energy. >> stephen: there are other forms but the effort is for oil. >> keep it simple. >> stephen: all right. so energy exploration, not oil drilling. >> correct. >> stephen: climate change, not global warming. >> yi. >> stephen: okay, i think that is brilliant, not manipulative. (laughter and applause) you created a list of 11 words of 2011 which is a list of the hottest words. you said things like "imagine. realtime, you decide." what are some of the other words jumping out to you this year? >> "the simple truth." >> stephen: the simple truth. >> the simple truth is that we can't spend more money than we take in. >> stephen: you decide. >> i would add a little bit more before i got to you decide. it's not like you can throw all these words together in a single sentence. >> stephen: you decide realtime. >> that's not effective communication. >> stephen: it's got three of the buzz words in there. >> yes, but you need to spread

them out. >> stephen: frank, i imagine that you would like to decide in realtime (laughter) >> you're dangerous. >> stephen: that a buzz word? >> no. words need to have a purpose. they need to breathe. >> stephen: so what should i not do? >> you get one shot to use the simple truth. don't use it more than once. >> stephen: simple truth. i blew it. (laughter) >> you can use it more than that. >> stephen: twice? >> this is difficult. i'm not sure if this is working. >> stephen: it's working for me. >> then i guess i should be happy. >> stephen: what's another word for happy? >> satisfied, content. >> stephen: are you any of those things? >> no. this is a.... >> stephen: this is about pleasing frank luntz. >> but it isn't. it's about helping you stay focused. >> stephen: sorry, i apologize. >> that would be a great thing to do, by the way. >> stephen: apologize? >> yes. >> stephen: i'm sorry. >> the ultimate thing a

candidate can do is to basically apologize three times. "i'm sorry, i made a mistake, forgive me." >> stephen: okay. but you have to do something wrong first, right? >> correct. >> stephen: what are some of the best things you can do wrong? >> what have you done wrong? >> stephen: nothing in particular. >> you've never done anything wrong? >> stephen: i assaulted a sea turtle with a flashlight when i was 17. >> why did you do that? >> stephen: i was high and i thought it was a monster. >> so now it's knowledge that you awe salted wildlife. an endangered species. i would suggest this not be part of this interview and that you not use this to help fund raise. >> stephen: so edit this out? >> definitely. >> stephen: i apologize for talking about it. that was mistake to talk about assaulting a sea turtle with a flashlight. >> and the last phrase is? >> stephen: forgive me. >> perfect. >> stephen: now is that aapology to the sea turt? >> that's an apology to the audience. i think sea turtle is screwed.

>> stephen: well, i can see you're uncomfortable, let's move on. are you ready to help me generate some ideas for colbert super pac? >> with your language, you and i together can create an ad that works with democrats and republicans. that scores with the south and the north. that scores with a 25-year-old and a 65-year-old. >> stephen: okay. but the ad, the ad has to be about these ideas. >> i will commit to taking those words and finding a way to transform politics as we know it. but you've got to cooperate with me. that's also one of the words. >> stephen: i imagine that in realtime... >> will you cooperate. >> stephen: the simple truth is... >> yes or no. >> stephen: i am sorry. (laughter and applause) >> what are you doing? >> stephen: i'm trying to apologize. >> right but there's a time and a place for everything. are you with me? >> stephen: absolutely with you, frank luntz. >> let's put money on it. >> stephen: okay. >> do a thousand dollars. >> stephen: i'm 1000% down with that. >> good. >> stephen: frank, i don't know what you said but i know what i

heard. (applause) frank luntz! his book is called "win" and we will have more with frank luntz and we'll transform american politics. we'll be right back! (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. nation, in just a few moments i'll be sitting down the very last crew of the space shuttle "atlantis." to make them feel at home, we have replaced the green room toilet with a broken dyson vacuum. (laughter) now that america has hung up its astro spurs, countries like india and china have said they're going to the moon. well, i say back off, other countries! that is our moon, we licked it. (laughter) well, perhaps you forgot our nation's proud lunar history, when american astronauts lance armstrong and buzz light-year landed on the moon and said those immortal words "where's the beef?" (laughter) i'd say if we can't go to space than nobody can. it's time to nuke the moon! (laughter) besides helping america stay number one, it will also greatly reduce werewolf attacks. (laughter) so space program, we bid you a

fond fair well as we look back at some of nasa's greatest moments. >> that's one small step for man one giant leap for mankind. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: there's no doubt... this goes out to my homies at

nasa. we'll be right back with the crew from the space shuttle "atlantis." (cheers and applause) ok, people. show me the best way to design

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back,

everybody. my guest tonight are the crew of the last space shuttle mission. if you see anything burst from their chests, run. please welcome commander chris ferguson, colonel doug hurley, colonel rex waldheim and dr. sandra magnus. (cheers and applause) heroes all thank you so much for joining us. i've got to tell you, we're all so thrilled that you're here. by the way, how did you keep your hair from getting messed up in the helmet. >> you don't. >> stephen: not easy in >> no. you just give it up. >> stephen: captain chris ferguson, colonel doug hurley, colonel rex waldheim, dr. sandra magnus, it's a thrill for all of

us to have you here. i personally when i was a kid i wanted to grow up and be an astronaut. i knew that would never happen once i went into punditry. (laughter) did all of y'all want to be astronauts when you were growing up? >> i'll start. i watched neil armstrong walk on the moon andd from that moment forward there was a little bit of a glimmer there. i started flying airplanes and further on down the line made a marriage of the two and ended up becoming an instrument. it's really spectacular. >> stephen: anybody else? was this a childhood sdplepl >> i think it was something we thought about when we were younger but it's one of the things you don't take seriously. >> stephen: now that the shuttle mission is done, what do you dream of growing up to become? (laughter) that's >> that's a hard question. that's a really hard question. >> stephen: what was the last fight like? did you guys fight to see what would be the last person in space?

were you all hoping for the last seat in the shuttle so you could say i was the last one up there. >> it would be them. >> i was the last one to board the vehicle which was kind of fun because these guys were sitting on their backs uncomfortable and i got to stand on the launch pad and walk around and look at the ocean then it was my turn go and i got to cross the gantry for the last time and climb on board the vehicle. >> stephen: when you were landing it the last time, captain, you landed the shuttle, correct? >> yes. >> stephen: what did it feel to know you were the last person landing a shut? >> well, boy, it's an emotional moment and a lot led up to it. a lot of folks said what would it feel like? what's it going to be like when it's other and i said i'll let you know when it's over. >> stephen: wow. >> and when it was all over, it was an emotional moment. it was you have to for us to get out of the orbiter knowing that there would be nobody else to follow in our footsteps in a space shuttle. on that. >> stephen: on that last mission did any of you, knowing that you were the last space shuttle astronauts to go up, did you have any sense of, like, seniorites? (laughter) you know, like checklist be

damned. i'm going to float whole time and bite water out of the air. (laughter) any of that, did you phone it? >> we should have thought of that. >> stephen: well, you've blown it now. >> i know. >> stephen: how long did we have the shut? >> 30 years and a few months. >> stephen: and what is waiting to replace it? >> instead of having a nasa sponsor the space business we'll probably have the equivalent of a commercial space line. and in the meantime, in the interim, in the swer screening four or five years we're going to buy seats from the russians so we're going to get back and forth on a russian spacecraft. >> stephen: how much is it going to cost us to buy a seat from the russians. because that bugs me. (laughter) because we got into this thing to beat the us arekys and now we're having to stick our leg out and hitch a ride. what's it going to cost us? >> $63 million. >> $63. >> i think the last time the contract was $63. >> stephen: have you we tried

priceline? because you can name your own price and get a last minute... (laughter and applause) i mean, for the love of god, it's william shatner, captain kirk. he should be able to get us a better price. i understand you have brought me something from the shuttle launch pad that you'd like to present. >> stephen: absolutely. and this probably bears a little explanation. the space shuttle is actually held to the launch pad with eight very large nuts. (laughter) >> stephen: and this is one of them? >> that is one of the nets and... (audience reacts) at the moment that the solid rocket boosters, the big white ones fire, there's charges in either side of that nut will that will split that nut in half and actually release the sputle from the state of florida so that it may ascend inor bid. so we thought we'd present you with this artifact of our last space shuttle flight. >> stephen: wow! thank you so much. (cheers and applause)

you know, as if launching a rocket were not phallic enough, you literally bust a nut when you go into space. (laughter and applause) well, heroes all, thank you so much for joining us. thank you for firing the imagination of the american people commander chris ferguson, colonel doug hurley, colonel rex walheim and dr. sandra magnus, we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)