don't you two know any other songs? [ music stops ] [ "chopsticks" plays in a higher octave ] [ crunch ] [ male announcer ] take a cheetos break with cheetos. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: join us tomorrow night at 11:00. tomorrow night at 11:00 matt long will be here. new york city firefighter hit by a bus. hit by a bus. now he's back stronger than ever.

his book is the story of that. and the fact that he is now kick all of our asses. it's somewhat of a remarkable journey. anyway that's tomorrow night. here it is your moment of zen. >> they're allowed to bring these guns into bars. everyone thought a lot of shootings would go up. you know what? the number of crimes involving guns dropped 5 to 2% the last captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

>> stephen: tonight, record temperatures sweep the heartland. if you can't stand the heat, go in the kitchen, get a nice cold drink. (laughter) can the internet make us better human beings? judging from youtube comments py guest tonight are legendary rockers the cars. at today's gas prices, i don't want to foe what this is costing me. captain morgan's ship has been found. if it's anything like the drink, it doesn't know what happened to it, either. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause)

(crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much. folks, thank you very much, folks. folks, i know it's been hot this summer but i refuse to buy into the myth of global warming. it's just another big media lie, like that so-called finale of friends. (laughter) i know gang's still out there, nbc. show me what they're doing! (cheers and applause) are they happy? but once again the media's trying to convince us that this summer has been extra hot by throwing around fake temperatures. >> the current heat index-- that's the heat and humidity combined-- feels like 116 in little rock, 104 degrees officially, 115 with the heat index. >> the heat index is already running high. it's going to be another scorcher. >> washington, d.c. had a heat index of 121. 121 degrees is what it felt

like. >> stephen: big deal! (laughter) who cares what it feels like? i feel like i'm 18 but i still get kicked out of college dorms. (laughter) now, fortunately pundits and part-time weather balloon rush limbaugh... (laughter). ... is not buying the heat-steria. >> they're playing games with us on this heat wave. again. it's going to be 116 in washington. no, it's not. it's going to be like a hundred. maybe 99. the heat index-- manufactured by the government-- they tell you what it feels like when you add the humid any there. 116. when's the last time the heat index was reported as an actual temperature? it hasn't been, but it looks like they're trying to get away with doing that now. >> stephen: rush is right. the heat index is just more big government numbers telling you how hot to feel! (laughter) just like their time index tells

you how sleepy to feel. (laughter) oh, it's midnight here but it's nine in l.a.? which is it, president obama? (laughter) i don't have to go to bed! (laughter) but i'll do rush one better. he doesn't believe in global warming? i don't believe in warming. i say the science isn't in on thermodynamics. i believe water boils because it's scared of fire and is trying to jump out of the pot. (laughter) and these hot air heads have started indoctrine nateing our kids. >> spongebob is talking a lot about global warming and he's only looking at it from one point of view. >> carbon dioxide? >> i'm pumping it into the atmosphere, boy! thanks to global warming the temperature will soon go through the roof. >> clearly nickelodeon is pushing a global warming agenda. (laughter). >> stephen: yeah, this is even worse than when they pushed

alternative life-styles with dora the explorer. it is a chilling endorsement of human-ape relations. (laughter) this is how it works, folks. the liberal media brainwashes our kids by sneaking propaganda into their cartoons in a code only kids can understand. >> we all knee spongebob is popular with the kids and for the life of me i still keep trying to figure out why. >> i'm with you. i don't get it. >> it's hard to even follow sometimes. (laughter) >> i know, it's hard! slow it down, nickelodeon. he's a sponge and he's got pants? are there footnotes i can follow along with? >> obviously the real issue here is the way spongebob is treating as accepted fact the theory that humans caused global warming. steve doocy, drop some science on them. >> while there's no dispute the fact t fact the earth is getting a little warmer, the big question is, is it man made or

is it just one of those gigantic climactic phases that we're going through? for a while we're cold; then we get warmer. then we get colder and warmer. which one is it? >> stephen: yeah, make up your mind, scientists. do you believe in the conclusions you've reached from decades of peer-reviewed study or, you know, the wavy arm thing? (laughter) like this and then it goes like that and then it goes like that. (applause) makes no sense. come to think of it, this isn't the only thing spongebob pushes as fact. for instance, he lives in a pine a a l under the sea? he's a fry cook! (laughter) the most he can afford is a studio grape. (laughter) nation, these days, you know, we live a 24/7 connected society that's getting so busy it may soon upgrade to 25/8. which is great news, because we are the sum total of our

experiences. and thanks to all this technology, we've having so many more experiences to be made of. nowadays i can chat online, listen to a podcast and order groceries all while looking at photos of kitten war criminals. (laughter) and thanks to social media, anyone i meet stays in my life forever whether i want them to or not. (laughter) unfortunately, our brains aren't meant to store that much information. according to anthropologist robin dunbar, the average brain can only handle about 150 relationships. although other organs can handle more. (laughter). (applause) dunbar studied the average size of tribes and villages throughout history and discovered that until recently most contained about 150 people who were easy to remember because you were related to them or married to them or both.

(laughter) but there is now a way we can handle all the data that modern society crams into our sense holes and it brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) head in the clouds. folks, to deal with information overload, the human brain uses something called transactive memory, relying on friends and family to remember things you don't have space for. like when a husband remembers to pay the electric bill while the wife remembers everything he's done wrong for the past 10 years. (laughter) now our brains are applying the same technique online. it seems that betsy sparrow, columbia researcher and decembererist song lyric, recently published a report called "memory in the age of google." subjects in the study were asked to type facts into a computer such as an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. now, to determine...

(laughter). how the internet affects our memory, half were told those facts were saved in the computer and the other half were told they would not be saved. the results were fascinating but i didn't commit them to memory because i knew i could always look them up on youtube. (laughter) jim? >> when people think they can look up stuff online over and over again that's continually accessible then they won't remember it as well. >> stephen: this makes sense. if something's online i don't bother remembering it. as i explained to my staff, i am constantly forgetting what naked women look like. (laughter) and nobody... (applause). and, folks, nobody remembers phone numbers anymore. if i want to call my nana, i just tap her name on my phone and all of her information is there n there? >> hello? stephen? >> stephen: see?

it's that easy. (laughter and applause) and yet we stubbornly insist on keeping data in the old skull drive. this thing is totally unreliable. for some reason it remembers all the words to "mandy" but doesn't remember my assistant's name. (laughter) thankfully, companies like apple, google, and microsoft offer remote computer storage so we can access all information wherever and wherever we want. it's called the cloud. and they've already launched a massive viral marketing campaign in the skies. (laughter) i can't imagine what that cost. well, folks, i'm in. i've already upwebbed everything i've ever known into the cloud. parents' names, dog's prescriptions, pizza thawing instructions, baseball stats, even my deepest, darkest secrets. now, the only thing... (laughter). the only thing my brain has to do is keep my eyeballs from falling backwards.

because everything that was in here is safely stored in the cloud. and i can access it at any time. for example, i'm hungry right now so i should look up my favorite food and i will just tap in here... and i appear not to be connected to my wi-fi. (laughter) okay, what was the password? it was... right, it's my favorite food. (laughter) okay. fine, i'll just reset the password. and let's see here. um... i need to give it the city of my birth. (laughter) is qwerty a city? (laughter) let's see. i'll just try... wait, i'll try another hint. what is my mother's maiden name? wait a second! my mother was a maid? okay, don't panic. okay, just don't panic, whatever your name is. um... i may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on

technology for all my ideas, memories, and relationships but i am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere. safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant multinational corporations. (laughter) and that... help me out? i'll take your word for it. we'll be right back. (cheers and

(cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the lead singer for the cars who's just released their first studio album in 24 years. shh. nobody tell them there's no music industry anymore. (laughter) please welcome ric ocasek. (cheers and applause) hey, ric! good to see you, my friend. now, long time viewers of the show will know that you are a long-time friend of the show. >> that's true. >> stephen: you've been here since the very beginning. >> that's right. >> stephen: you've been on here, you helped talk about how it's possible to walk on water.

>> yup. >> stephen: you put todd rundgren on notice board. >> stephen: oh, i did. >> stephen: you went along where my stage manager bobby to help find my eagle son, stephen, jr. >> yup. >> stephen: thank you for that. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: and now you've got the band the cars. you guys are playing together again and you released your first studio album in 24 years "move like this." >> right. >> stephen: it's... the reviews are incredible. and i am flattered that you would put out a whole album just to get back on my show. (laughter) >> that's exactly why we did it. >> stephen: why are you guys playing together again? i'm thrilled because i... you know, you were huge a huge band for me. why are you doing this again? >> well, really it was just a matter of writing some new songs and then trying to think who would be the best people to play those songs and who i had the most fun with in the business and since there's no business anymore anyway i figured we'd just do a record, put it out on the internet and have fun with

it. >> stephen: do you like the internet? >> i do. >.>> stephen: very popular with the kids. they like it. >> i agree. >> stephen: long time viewers of the show will also remember that your wife, supermodel paulina porizkova has kind of a crush on me. (laughter) >> yeah, i remember that, yeah. >> stephen: i'm sort of her hall pass. is this awkward for you? no, no, i'm the luckiest man in the world. >> stephen: absolutely. >> so i don't really get too unnerved by it. >> stephen: how are you paulina? how are you doing? >> i am great, thank you. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: oh, fantastic, nice to see you. you look good. you look really good. i've got to talk about ric now. >> okay. >> stephen: why aren't you guys in the rock 'n roll hall of fame? is it because you use steroids? did you juice? (laughter) you know, i really don't know. i don't know if i want to be in it. but, you know, if i did want to be in it i don't know why we're not in it. >> stephen: well, there's no

award that i would not accept. (laughter) can i have it if they give it to you? can i have yours? >> i'll bring in the and you can put it up there with all those other beautiful awards. >> stephen: exactly. with my peabody and my emmy. (applause) what was it like in the '80s being a rock band somehow influential was reagan on your music? (laughter) for some reason it was a good time for us so i almost didn't mind reagan at the time. i figured that's why it was good, i don't know. maybe he suppressed everyone and it caused a social scene and it was the punks and the new wavers and to me it was a much more exciting time than now. >> stephen: see, i didn't care for that. the punks and new wavers seemed related to an art movement or social movement. >> that's what i think, yes. >> stephen: but shouldn't it just be about cash?

because that's how you know who's successful. who has the gold albums. >> well, that's the way it is today. >> stephen: the "new york times" said on your show "they look no dorkier now than they did at their peak." (laughter) does that please you or are you disappointed that you haven't achieved greater dorkdom in the last 24 years? (laughter) >> well i thought it would be a little more dorky but i guess i'm just the same dorkness. >> stephen: you've stalled. >> i've stalled at this one level of dorkness. i think i'm on the highest level of dorkness. >> stephen: well, you married a supermodel you could have achieved superdork. >> that's true. >> stephen: anthony decurtis of "rolling stone" said your sound is so contemporary you wouldn't be surprised to see one of your songs done on glee." in a related topic, do you ever have thoughts of suicide? (laughter and applause)

no? will you come back... you'll do a song when we come back? >> stephen: i'd love to. >> stephen: that would be beautiful. ric ocasek, we'll be right back with a performance from the cars. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: i think we're... hi. (laughter) here to perform "keep on knocking" off their new album "move like this," ladies and

gentlemen, the cars. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, well, the long street goes for miles and miles ♪ and it's picking up some strangers ♪ and it's picking up some smiles and the half breeds holler ♪ their educated guesses and they got a lot of cheers ♪ you guessed it, you guessed it ♪ ♪ they keep you in follow mode,

keep you in follow mode ♪ take the street you never ro rode, they keep you ♪ they keep on knocking like the party's on ♪ they keep on knocking from dark till dawn ♪ ♪ well, i got some friends in random places ♪ all kinds of ideas, and all kinds of faces ♪ they keep their ready shoes on, they keep their shirts on ice ♪ and they're looking for the future to loosen the vice

♪ they keep you in follow mode, they hold up their signs ♪ they keep you in follow mode most of the time ♪ they keep on knocking like the party's on ♪ they keep on knocking from dark till dawn ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪

♪ they keep you in follow mode, they hold up their signs ♪ they keep you in follow mode for most of the time ♪ they keep on knocking like your party's on ♪ they keep on knocking from dark till dawn ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the cars! the album is "move like this." we'll be right back. (cheers and ap