polls show that just 22% of americans are satisfied with their lives, only 45% are satisfied with their work. 75% believe the country on the wrong track. and 93% were too depressed to respond to the pollsters. (laughter and applause) but there is one simple way we can lift our spirits, and it's the subject of tonight's word. (cheers and applause) happy endings. now, folks, i am not talking about the kind of happy endings that show up on your credit card bill as "shipping and handling." (laughter) the news people explain. >> now a spoiler alert. you might actually enjoy a story more if you know how it ends before you begin. at least that's what a new study is saying. >> reporter: the researchers found that in every case readers who already knew the ending enjoyed the story more. >> stephen: that's why i always read the end of a book first.

that way i can sit back, put my feet up on the book and enjoy some t.v. (laughter) now the researchers... the researchers say that when we aren't anxious about how a story is going to end we enjoy it more. for instance, because i know this sentence is going to end with applause, i can savor all the words leading up to the greatest audience in the world! (cheers and applause) so, folks, for those of you... for those of you who have not seen them, allow know maximize your enjoyment of the following movie: rose bud is a sled, bruce willis is dead, ed norton is brad pitt, he was earth all along, soy lent green is people, she's got a dong, darth vader is

luke's father, leia is his sister, and c-3po isn't fooling anyone. (laughter) folks, this... this is how we can break out of our national blues! because all of us are the heroes of our own stories. and if we know how this ends, we'll enjoy it more. so get ready for the granddaddy of all spoilers: you die. (laughter) did i just turn that frown upside down? and folks, not just you! everybody dies. and here, here is the best part. when you die, everything that's bothering you right now ends. (laughter) for instance, you know how sometimes you roll your eyes when your parents call and want to talk for an hour? folks, that will end. (laughter) and if you're a parent, your

kids who are driving you nuts draining your energy and bank account and take forever to get their shoes on, well, here's the twist, they leave you. it all ends! everything ends. the job you hate, the money you owe, tiny pork pie hats. planking. your second mortgage. the national debt. summer. and... (laughter). scientists claim that billions of years from now all energy will bleed from the universe and existence as we know it will cease. (laughter) folks, eventually even this show will be canceled. (audience reacts) but keep in mind just why we like spoilers. according to researchers, the plot is almost irrelevant and once you know how it turns out, you can focus on a deeper

understanding of the story. true. that's the reason i now know that green lantern is really about the $12 i'll never get back. (laughter) so since we know how everything ends, we have two options: we can either worry or we can enjoy the show. (laughter) oh, oh, oh. i love this part. (laughter) oh, that's good, too. that's good. (laughter) that was exciting. and that's the word. (cheers and applause) i bet you saw that coming. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

a young man with ambition met an old man at the top asked him if he had a secret and the old man stopped and thought and said: free 'cause that's how it ought to be my brother credit 'cause you'll need a loan for one thing or another score 'cause they break it down to one simple number that you can use dot to take a break because the name is kinda long com in honor of the internet that it's on put it all together at the end of the song it gives you freecreditscore-dot-com, and i'm gone... offer applies with enrollment in freecreditscore.com (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you very much. folks, i've said mitt times before: i, folks, am a faith healer. if you're coming to me for medical advice, i recommend you start praying. this is cheating death with with dr. stephen t. colbert, d.f.a.

as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott, we get results and pass them on to your next of kin. (laughter) first up, fitness health. folks, i love exercise fads. from the thighmaster to the bow flex, you burn a lot of calories shoving that stuff under your bed. (laughter) my new favorite workout accessory is toning shoes like sketchers shape-ups. >> where is the newest move in fitnesfitness is tying your shoe laces. because once my sketchers shape-ups are on snug and comfy, i'm toning my muscleses, strengthening my core, burning calories. why? because shape-ups really work-- no matter what i do. >> stephen: and... (laughs). (laughter) and they do work. here's what she looked like before. yuck. she's got those two giant chest

guts she can barely keep in that double gut sling. put some sketchers on those things, fatty. (laughter) now, i love this, folks, because i'm a busy guy and i want minor mall behavior to work out for me. i want shoes to shape my ass, an adjustable bed to force my body into the shape of a crunch, and burritos big enough to use as dumbbells. i usually pound down about five and then spend an hour on this machine. (laughter) but according to the american council on exercise, toning shoes do not offer any benefits. yeah. like i'm going to trust the american council on exercise. have you seen americans? they don't know exercise. so if you don't want to waste exercise time actually exercising, prescott orthopedics is proud to introduce new placebo sizers. the left shoe tones your shin

core with a six-inch stiletto heel that ends in a greased marble. meanwhile, the right shoe builds ankle mass with its patented cinder sole. wear them wherever you go: at home, dune flight of stairs, in the back of an ambulance or in traction. side effects of placebo sizers may include blooming bunions, fruit by the foot and ankle remus. next up... (laughter). drug health. thank you. (laughter) everyone knows the more prescription drugs cost, the better they work. but some of our nation's biggest drug companies are about to suffer a massive profit hemorrhage. >> seven of the world's 20 top-selling prescription drugs

are about to go off patent. that includes the top two popular drugs, cholesterol-controller lipitor and blood-thinner plavix. in the next year or so, the door will open for cheaper generic versions that are chemically the same as the original brand-name drugs. >> stephen: no way! if i've got a brand-name affliction i want a name-brand cure. (laughter) lou gehrig didn't go to the trouble of endorsing his disease so it could be treated with some cheap generic knockoff. (laughter) fortunately, these pharmaceutical companies have found a work-around. they create two-for-one combination pills to extend patents on blockbuster brand-name prescriptions. for instance, pfizer created caduet, a quinn combination of lipitor and norvasc while bristol-myers squibb introduced resays we put the butter plavix. you got your blood thinner my chocolate! (laughter and applause) wow, that sounds good.

i could go for some of that. well, this year many of prescott's most popular drug patents will expire along with many of the patients who took them. (laughter) so to protect their intellectual property, prescott is proud to combine its greatest prescription hits into one patent-extending drug. introducing vax josh beckettaxa. whether you're suffering from angina, eczema, dry mouth, damp mouth, constipation, diarrhea, night terrors, day terrors, brunch terrors, sore throat, deep throat, lock jaw, slack jaw, jabber jaw, gnaws your asses, heart arrhythmia, erectile dysfunction, blood in urine... (laughter). blood in urine, gleurn blood,

shingles, cedar shake, down spouts, aluminum siding or whatever this yellow one does right there, vac vaxamalgam will cure it or cause it. warning, don't take it with dairy products, which should not be a problem since it is a suppository. (laughter) side effects... (applause). side effects of vax amalgam may include asperger helper, jimmy crack corneas and explosive diorama. well, that's it for cheating death brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. remember our motto: motto: pres, not charges. until next time, i'll see you in hell. (cheers and applause)

ice breakers mints with icy-cool flavor crystals. ice breakers. stay cool.

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a former republican presidential candidate. i assume he'll be wearing sweat abouts, eating a tub of cherry garcia. please welcome governor tim pawlenty! (cheers and applause) thanks so much coming on, governor. >> happy to do it. >> stephen: do you get that kind of reception?

iowa? >> no. >> stephen: oh, well... now sir, can i call you t-paw. >> absolutely. >> stephen: it might be more fitting to call you governor paw. >> where is that's fine, too. >> stephen: sir, you recently dropped out of the presidential race. former governor of minnesota, promising presidential candidate. now you're out. why did you drop out after ames? >> i was out of money. i came in third place behind michele bachmann and ron paul. i think that's enough for any one person to endure. (laughter). (cheers and applause). >> stephen: nicely done. the fact that you're out of money makes you relatable to so many americans right now. (laughter) he's like me, they say. so you came in third with 2,293 votes, right? >> that's right. >> all right, and the guy who came in sixth, perry, had 718 votes. now he's number one.

you were number three. he went from six to one, you could have gone from three to negative two which i think means you're automatically president. >> yes. >> stephen: could you not have gotten a bank loan. (laughter) >> well, we want to do this at a level that will be successful. we didn't want to survive, we wanted to win. this is taking on more and more of a reality t.v. show component, these races. you've got to have not just money but you've got to have an entertainment component to it. so i brought forward a record, a serious policy approach and at least in that moment in time they were looking for something else. >> stephen: did you think about learning to juggle? >> i've thought about shooting sparks up my butt. (laughter). >> stephen: i would vote for that! now, let me ask you something. when you were actually running for president would you have given me that answer?

(laughter) >> no. >> stephen: because you should have pulled that one out during one of the debates. when i first heard you use the term obonney care. i loved it. when i heard you say obomneycare i thought "he has found the one ring of power. he has pulled excalibur from the stone." then in the debate the moderator pushed excalibur against romney's chest and said "would you care to push it in?" and you didn't. why didn't you push it in and pull it out and bathe yourself the fount of his warm blood. (laughter) what stopped you? >> the electorate has already factored in governor romney's approach to health care. i wanted to focus on president obama in that debate. it was a missed opportunity to not contrast with mid, i did bring it up in the second debate. that is isn't what cost me my position in the race, no. >> stephen: it was the cash. >> i went all the way from 1% to

1%. (laughter). >> stephen: so you're steady. that's steady leadership. if you need money you know that i have a super pac, righting? >> yeah, we did come out a little short. i was going to ask you, can the colbert superpac help my campaign? >> stephen: not... well, i could haven't helped you while you were a candidate. (laughter) because legally we can't... >> what about now? >> stephen: now we're just two guys talking. >> yeah. you know a guy. >> stephen: you need some money? >> yeah. >> stephen: all right. if you were to jump back in the race, we couldn't ever have this conversation again. but i'm just telling you right now, i like this tim pawlenty guy. (laughter) >> well, you did use our logo, our original pac in your superpac. >> stephen: your pac was the inspiration for my pac. >> where is i know but you've got to show me some love for that. you stole the logo. (laughter). >> stephen: i... you know what? i'll tell you what, i will see you in hell.

(laughter). (applause) minnesota knight versus new york knight. let's make news. is there someone you would like to endorse in the 2012 race? >> you. >> stephen: i'm not running. (cheers and applause) i'm not running. i'm more like sarah palin. i'm a television personality. (laughter and applause) what is the issue that you think is going to define the race from here on out? >> most of the people are most concerned about jobs and the economy. that's going to be the main thing. >> stephen: did you have a jobs plan? >> i did. the only specific one in the race. nobody cared. >> stephen: and now you don't have a job. (laughter) governor, thank you so much for joining me. governor tim "t-paw" pawlenty. we'll be right

vo: this is cheryl.

this is her four-year-old computer she doesn't think she needs to update. so to show her what she's missing, we built a pc store in her house. cheryl: oh my gosh! employee: what do you say we go shopping? cheryl: this one's very cool. cheryl: where's the tower for this? employee: everything is right here. cheryl: oh stop! cheryl: okay... alright... employee: flip that screen around. very light-weight! employee: 500gb hard drive. cheryl: i like the dvr thing... i like this one. vo: new pc in the house. cheryl: i'm a pc, and i'm finally up to date.

>> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night.

man: come out, come out, wherever you are! where is that little joker? breathe deep, mrs. dunne. that's it. that's it. push. push, that's it. keep pushing, you're doing great, mrs. dunne. you're doing great. okay, that's it. there's the head, i can see it now. okay, congratulations... it's a... - ( woman groans ) - doctor: okay, it went back in. i think he'll be good at hide and seek, mrs. dunne. ( panting ) okay. ( chuckles ) - well, you got yourself a shy one here. - ( groaning ) okay, come on out, you little bastard. - ( crunches ) - ow! he bit me! ( siren approaching )

police radio: attention all units, man trapped in a well. 919 hill street. captain rob! captain rob, can you hear me? grab the rope! can you help him? harry, no. this is-- this is not a real well. we can't keep coming out here trying to get your imaginary friend out of trouble. well, thanks for saving him. coming, captain rob! we didn't really save anybody. - i'm sorry, dave. - it's okay, he just has an overactive imagination. don't worry, he'll grow out of it. they all do. captain rob, come on out, i give up! where is he? where are you, captain rob? honey, he's gone. he must've known you were starting school today. mom, do i have to go to regular school? - yes, honey. - but you're a good teacher. thank you, sweetie. i think it's time you made some new friends. you know, friends your own age. - i'm just not ready. - oh, i almost forgot. captain rob left this for you.

he said to count your steps very carefully. wow, a treasure map! - what's the treasure? - it could be anything. honey, you're going to discover a whole new world when you get to school. like marco polo. the guy who invented the swimming pool. of course. - i better get going. - now remember, harry, there's a friend out there waiting just for you. man: you're a good kid, lloyd. and good looking, too. you make a father proud. - thanks, pop. - okay, now let me finish-- dad, watch the ears. aah. okay, there you go, gigolo. - yeah? - yeah. - looks good? - like fresh-cut grass. okay, now come on. let's get ready, school's going to open real soon now. - let's go. - oh, keys please. here you go. it's good to be a janitor's son. - love ya! - love you. - ( music plays ) - ( speaker pops ) ♪ ice, ice, baby

♪ ice, ice, baby ♪ all right, stop, collaborate and listen ♪ ♪ ice is back with my brand new invention ♪ ♪ something grabs ahold of me tightly ♪ ♪ flow like a harpoon daily and nightly ♪ - ♪ will it ever stop? - ♪ yo, i don't know ♪ turn off the lights and i'll glow ♪ ♪ to the extreme i rock a mic like a vandal ♪ ♪ light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle ♪ ♪ ice, ice, baby - ♪ vanilla - ♪ ice, ice, baby - ♪ vanilla - ♪ ice, ice, baby - ♪ vanilla - ♪ ice, ice, baby - ♪ vanilla - ♪ now that the party is jumpin'... ♪ - ( growls ) - ♪ with the bass kicked in and the vegas are pumpin' ♪ ♪ quick to the point to the point no fakin' ♪ ♪ cooking mcs like a pound of bacon ♪ ♪ burning them if you ain't quick and nimble ♪ ♪ i go crazy when i hear a cymbal ♪ ♪ and a hi-hat with a souped up tempo ♪ ♪ i'm on a roll, it's time to go solo ♪ ♪ ice, ice, baby, too cold ♪ - ♪ vanilla - ♪ ice, ice, baby, too cold ♪