>> stephen: thank you very much. (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) that's really nice. thank you so much. please. thank you so much. thank you everybody down here. please, please. you're too kind. ladies and gentlemen, i... i have been on break for two weeks and while i was gone, the east coast was struck by an earthquake and a hurricane. (laughter) one more natural disaster and we get a free byron bit free blizz. in light of these events, i am forced to issue a rare public apology to the gays. (laughter) now, if you're watching and you're gay, wake up your partner. (laughter) i want rafael to hear this, too. (laughter) you see, i wasn't stateside when

this went down, i was in new zealand. it's the only place to get maori warrior fur-covered crotch flaps at a reasonable price. my old ones are all worn out. (laughter) i know from my t.v. preacher friends that god sends hurricanes and earthquakes to punish gayness. (laughter) so when i heard that he had hit the mid-atlantic states with a hurricane and an earthquake i naturally thought "how gay did the gays gay it this time?" (laughter) i mean, is washington, d.c. now a.c./d.c.? did lincoln give jefferson a reach-around? (laughter) did lady liberty join a softball league? (laughter) well, turns out it wasn't caused by the gays and i sincerely apologize for the incentive the things i just said about them. (laughter) michele bachmann explained the real reason. >> i don't know how much god has to do to get the attention of the politician poll politicians.

we've had an earthquake, a hurricane. he's said "are you going to start listening to me, here?" listen to the american people! >> stephen: yes, hurricane have that hole in the middle because they're god's megaphone. (laughter) that he uses so politician cans hear the american people over his earlier earthquake which i believe is god's subwoofer. (laughter) but, of course, of course the blame-scream j.d. y-screeda on.k you. trademark. on their sunday gotcha shows have to question everything. >> do you believe that god does use the weather to send people messages here on earth? >> obviously i was speaking metaphorically. that was clear to the audience. it was clear to me. >> stephen: okay?

metaphor. in this metaphor, god represents the american people. politicians represent themselves. and the hurricane represents the earthquake. okay? (laughter) metaphor. and bachmann herself is a similarly because she is like or as someone who makes sense. (laughter). (cheers and applause) now, folks, how hard is that? think. how hard is that? and, folks, this earthacane could not have come at a worse time. americans are feeling pretty shaky as it is. polls show that just 22% of americans are satisfied with their lives, only 45% are satisfied with their work. 75% believe the country on the wrong track. and 93% were too depressed to respond to the pollsters. (laughter and applause)

but there is one simple way we can lift our spirits, and it's the subject of tonight's word. (cheers and applause) happy endings. now, folks, i am not talking about the kind of happy endings that show up on your credit card bill as "shipping and handling." (laughter) the news people explain. >> now a spoiler alert. you might actually enjoy a story more if you know how it ends before you begin. at least that's what a new study is saying. >> reporter: the researchers found that in every case readers who already knew the ending enjoyed the story more. >> stephen: that's why i always read the end of a book first. that way i can sit back, put my feet up on the book and enjoy some t.v. (laughter) now the researchers... the researchers say that when we aren't anxious about how a story is going to end we enjoy it more. for instance, because i know this sentence is going to end

with applause, i can savor all the words leading up to the greatest audience in the world! (cheers and applause) so, folks, for those of you... for those of you who have not seen them, allow know maximize your enjoyment of the following movie: rose bud is a sled, bruce willis is dead, ed norton is brad pitt, he was earth all along, soy lent green is people, she's got a dong, darth vader is luke's father, leia is his sister, and c-3po isn't fooling anyone. (laughter) folks, this... this is how we can break out of our national blues! because all of us are the heroes

of our own stories. and if we know how this ends, we'll enjoy it more. so get ready for the granddaddy of all spoilers: you die. (laughter) did i just turn that frown upside down? and folks, not just you! everybody dies. and here, here is the best part. when you die, everything that's bothering you right now ends. (laughter) for instance, you know how sometimes you roll your eyes when your parents call and want to talk for an hour? folks, that will end. (laughter) and if you're a parent, your kids who are driving you nuts draining your energy and bank account and take forever to get their shoes on, well, here's the twist, they leave you. it all ends! everything ends. the job you hate, the money you

owe, tiny pork pie hats. planking. your second mortgage. the national debt. summer. and... (laughter). scientists claim that billions of years from now all energy will bleed from the universe and existence as we know it will cease. (laughter) folks, eventually even this show will be canceled. (audience reacts) but keep in mind just why we like spoilers. according to researchers, the plot is almost irrelevant and once you know how it turns out, you can focus on a deeper understanding of the story. true. that's the reason i now know that green lantern is really about the $12 i'll never get back. (laughter) so since we know how everything

ends, we have two options: we can either worry or we can enjoy the show. (laughter) oh, oh, oh. i love this part. (laughter) oh, that's good, too. that's good. (laughter) that was exciting. and that's the word. (cheers and applause) i bet you saw that coming. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you very much. folks, i've said mitt times before: i, folks, am a faith healer. if you're coming to me for medical advice, i recommend you start praying. this is cheating death with with dr. stephen t. colbert, d.f.a. as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott, we get results and pass them on to your next of kin. (laughter) first up, fitness health. folks, i love exercise fads. from the thighmaster to the bow flex, you burn a lot of calories shoving that stuff under your bed. (laughter) my new favorite workout accessory is toning shoes like sketchers shape-ups.

>> where is the newest move in fitnesfitness is tying your shoe laces. because once my sketchers shape-ups are on snug and comfy, i'm toning my muscleses, strengthening my core, burning calories. why? because shape-ups really work-- no matter what i do. >> stephen: and... (laughs). (laughter) and they do work. here's what she looked like before. yuck. she's got those two giant chest guts she can barely keep in that double gut sling. put some sketchers on those things, fatty. (laughter) now, i love this, folks, because i'm a busy guy and i want minor mall behavior to work out for me. i want shoes to shape my ass, an adjustable bed to force my body into the shape of a crunch, and burritos big enough to use as dumbbells. i usually pound down about five and then spend an hour on this machine. (laughter) but according to the american

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fruit by the foot and ankle remus. next up... (laughter). drug health. thank you. (laughter) everyone knows the more prescription drugs cost, the better they work. but some of our nation's biggest drug companies are about to suffer a massive profit hemorrhage. >> seven of the world's 20 top-selling prescription drugs are about to go off patent. that includes the top two popular drugs, cholesterol-controller lipitor and blood-thinner plavix. in the next year or so, the door will open for cheaper generic versions that are chemically the same as the original brand-name drugs. >> stephen: no way! if i've got a brand-name affliction i want a name-brand cure. (laughter) lou gehrig didn't go to the trouble of endorsing his disease so it could be treated with some cheap generic knockoff. (laughter) fortunately, these

pharmaceutical companies have found a work-around. they create two-for-one combination pills to extend patents on blockbuster brand-name prescriptions. for instance, pfizer created caduet, a quinn combination of lipitor and norvasc while bristol-myers squibb introduced resays we put the butter plavix. you got your blood thinner my chocolate! (laughter and applause) wow, that sounds good. i could go for some of that. well, this year many of prescott's most popular drug patents will expire along with many of the patients who took them. (laughter) so to protect their intellectual property, prescott is proud to combine its greatest prescription hits into one patent-extending drug. introducing vax josh beckettaxa. whether you're suffering from

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side effects of vax amalgam may include asperger helper, jimmy crack corneas and explosive diorama. well, that's it for cheating death brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. remember our motto: motto: pres, not charges. until next time, i'll see you in hell. (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a former republican presidential candidate. i assume he'll be wearing sweat abouts, eating a tub of cherry garcia. please welcome governor tim pawlenty! (cheers and applause) thanks so much coming on, governor. >> happy to do it. >> stephen: do you get that kind of reception? iowa?

>> no. >> stephen: oh, well... now sir, can i call you t-paw. >> absolutely. >> stephen: it might be more fitting to call you governor paw. >> where is that's fine, too. >> stephen: sir, you recently dropped out of the presidential race. former governor of minnesota, promising presidential candidate. now you're out. why did you drop out after ames? >> i was out of money. i came in third place behind michele bachmann and ron paul. i think that's enough for any one person to endure. (laughter). (cheers and applause). >> stephen: nicely done. the fact that you're out of money makes you relatable to so many americans right now. (laughter) he's like me, they say. so you came in third with 2,293 votes, right? >> that's right. >> all right, and the guy who came in sixth, perry, had 718 votes. now he's number one.

you were number three. he went from six to one, you could have gone from three to negative two which i think means you're automatically president. >> yes. >> stephen: could you not have gotten a bank loan. (laughter) >> well, we want to do this at a level that will be successful. we didn't want to survive, we wanted to win. this is taking on more and more of a reality t.v. show component, these races. you've got to have not just money but you've got to have an entertainment component to it. so i brought forward a record, a serious policy approach and at least in that moment in time they were looking for something else. >> stephen: did you think about learning to juggle? >> i've thought about shooting sparks up my butt. (laughter). >> stephen: i would vote for that! now, let me ask you something. when you were actually running for president would you have given me that answer? (laughter)

>> no. >> stephen: because you should have pulled that one out during one of the debates. when i first heard you use the term obonney care. i loved it. when i heard you say obomneycare i thought "he has found the one ring of power. he has pulled excalibur from the stone." pushed excalibur againstoderator romney's chest and said "would you care to push it in?" and you didn't. why didn't you push it in and pull it out and bathe yourself the fount of his warm blood. (laughter) what stopped you? >> the electorate has already factored in governor romney's approach to health care. i wanted to focus on president obama in that debate. it was a missed opportunity to not contrast with mid, i did bring it up in the second debate. that is isn't what cost me my position in the race, no. >> stephen: it was the cash. >> i went all the way from 1% to

1%. (laughter). >> stephen: so you're steady. that's steady leadership. if you need money you know that i have a super pac, righting? >> yeah, we did come out a little short. i was going to ask you, can the colbert superpac help my campaign? >> stephen: not... well, i could haven't helped you while you were a candidate. (laughter) because legally we can't... >> what about now? >> stephen: now we're just two guys talking. >> yeah. you know a guy. >> stephen: you need some money? >> yeah. >> stephen: all right. if you were to jump back in the race, we couldn't ever have this conversation again. but i'm just telling you right now, i like this tim pawlenty guy. (laughter) >> well, you did use our logo, our original pac in your superpac. >> stephen: your pac was the inspiration for my pac. >> where is i know but you've got to show me some love for that. you stole the logo. (laughter). >> stephen: i... you know what? i'll tell you what, i will see you in hell. (laughter).

(applause) minnesota knight versus new york knight. let's make news. is there someone you would like to endorse in the 2012 race? >> you. >> stephen: i'm not running. (cheers and applause) i'm not running. i'm more like sarah palin. i'm a television personality. (laughter and applause) what is the issue that you think is going to define the race from here on out? >> most of the people are most concerned about jobs and the economy. that's going to be the main thing. >> stephen: did you have a jobs plan? >> i did. the only specific one in the race. nobody cared. >> stephen: and now you don't have a job. (laughter) governor, thank you so much for joining me. governor tim "t-paw" pawlenty. we'll be right

>> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. report," everybody. good night. captioning made possible by paramount domestic television report," everybody. good night.