[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. by the way, a lot of people ask what is the advantage of coming down and seeing the show live in new york? stand around all day in a -- what is clearly a god forsaken part of new york city where at any moment a pack of feral dogs

may drag an old friend of yours you met up with on foursquare into an alley and tear them to pieces. what is in it for me? perhaps something like this, if you come to the show you may get a free dvd copy of waite wyatt cenac comedy person. you can buy it. so come on down. that's what the audience got tonight. you know what i say to that? you know why i'm doing it? i'll tell you why i'm doing it because when oprah left tv, somebody had to fill the hole. here it is your moment zen. >> vote by texting 2260, one for the japan energy crisis, two for the ["the colbert

report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [cheers and applause] thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] wow. [cheers and applause] thank you so much nation, i know we in the news media have been talking about this 2012 election since 2010, [ laughter ] but monday was labor day, when we traditionally put away our white pants and take out our white candidates.

jim? >> labor day traditionally the kickoff to campaign seasonth labor day kicks off the fall campaign season. >> labor day weekend kicks off an intense, high stakes a complain season. >> it's signaled the start of presidential campaign season. >> stephen: yeah, i admit it. all the coverage up till now has been (bleep). i know i should have told you but you wouldn't have watched! but i swear that from here on out, every second of the media's coverage is crucial, life or death stuff! [ laughter ] case in point, msnbc's broadcast of last night's republican presidential debate at the ronald reagan library, where the walls are tastefully painted with the blood of nicaraguan contras. [ laughter ] now, the candidates stood beneath the air force one that ronald reagan used to personally pilot steering with his balls.

for the record, the reagan library is the only one where you can check out a 747. [ laughter ] you just have to stamp the sign-out card on the tail. [ laughter ] folks, this debate was so important that i did something most americans would be ashamed to admit: i watched msnbc. [ laughter ] of course, i didn't look directly at the screen. like a solar eclipse, i watched through a pinhole in a piece of cardboard -- which projected on your hand like that watch here like that which had the added benefit of not blinding me when newt gingrich's head blotted out the sun. [ laughter ] and folks, this debate proved any one of these people could be a better president than lame-duck fail-bama. [ laughter ] trademark. [ laughter ] now, just look at the man i used to endorse before he cancelled

coming on my show: herman cain. the cain train delivered a bold idea on how to fix social security. >> social security, it needs fixing, not continuing to talk about it. i believe in the chilean model. [ laughter ] >> stephen: now, i have to admit, i was not aware of the chilean model. so i put the words "chilean model" into google images, and let me tell you, i liked what i saw. very firm plans. [ laughter ] and cain wasn't the only one with great ideas. listen to texas congressman and deadwood angry townsman ron paul. >> do you advocate getting rid of the minimum wage? would that create more jobs? >> absolutely, and it would help

the poor >> stephen: yes, eliminating the minimum wage would help the poor. for one thing, they'd stop envying people with jobs. but folks, as impressive as the field was, of course, there can be only one. and the clear winner last night was my man rick parry -- with an a. [cheers and applause] this guy is a straight shooter. and not just when he's jogging. first off, parry took aim at the so-called scientific consensus around global warming. >> just because you have a group of scientists that have stood up and said here is the fact, galileo got outvoted for a spell. [ laughter ] >> stephen: yeah. galileo believed the earth revolved around the sun, but respected scientists like the pope and his inquisitors challenged that with their theory that hot irons would burn out his eyes. [ laughter ] and perry is such a badass that his biggest applause line of the night didn't even come from

something he said. brian williams, let's make some people smile. >> governor perry, a question about texas. your state has executed 234 death row inmates, more than any other governor in modern times. have you-- [applause] >> stephen: woooo!!!!! woooo! waaaa! lethal cocktail all over my desk. i say we barbecue them sons of bitches like texas toast!! this is great moment for perry. but let's face it, mentioning executions is a surefire applause line for conservatives. it's like saying "pot" to the audience of "the daily show." [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]

you people, too, evidently. but the thing that really sealed my man's victory was when he was the only one to man up and take on the 800-pound gorilla in the room, being stomped on by the elephant in the room, being ridden by the emperor who has no clothes: social security. he pulled no punches when it came to this universally beloved, highly effective cancer on our society. jim? >> it is a ponzi scheme to tell our kids that are 25 or 30 years old today, you're paying into a program that's going to be there. you cannot keep the status quo in place and not call it anything other than a ponzi scheme. it is. that is what it is >> stephen: yes, social security is a classic ponzi scheme! you think you're gonna get back the money you put in. but your money goes to someone who got in earlier. think about it: millions of unsuspecting young rubes are paying in, while the fat cats at the top sit back and rake in an

average of $1,177 a month. [ laughter ] all to fund their lavish lifestyles of motorized chairs and special teeth they can take out at night. [ laughter ] this is a scandal. it has to end! rick perry knows that any time a group of people pool their money for any reason, it's a ponzi scheme. and it's not just social security-- same goes for banks. tell you what -- you deposit a ten dollar bill then come back to take it out, they don't give you back the same bill! one time they tried to give me two fives! [ laughter ] do they think i'm an idiot?! [ laughter ] if seniors out there are so bent on wanting to put their money into a program and get other people's money out,

out, there's already a private alternative. it's called vegas. old people already love it. we just plunk them down at the slots and let them feed their life savings in one nickel at a time. all they need is two plums and a cherry and they've got themselves another week of blood pressure meds. [ laughter ] and there's no telling -- folks, there's no telling how long we'll extend their lives -- in that casinos have no windows or clocks. and for the very few who don't hit the retirement jackpot, there's a social safety net. we comp their prime rib buffet and shove them into the desert. they'll think they're at the new cirque du soleil show: rick perry presents "vulture." we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. you're very generous. folks, the number-one issue on everyone's mind today is jobs. it's even replaced sex, which means men now fantasize about beautiful women giving them start paperwork.

[ laughter ] that's why tonight president obama is revealing his jobs plan. and in a desperate attempt to get our attention, he's doing it in a speech before a joint session of congress. now he's asking his opponents to join with him for the good of the people, and republican leader mitch mcconnell has agreed to put aside partisanship: >> we'll listen politely to what he has to say and take a look at it, but our view is that we need to go in an entirely different direction. [ laughter ] >> stephen: seerk that's meeting obama halfway. they'll listen politely to something they've already rejected. and to show their concern for the unemployed many gop members of congress have come up with their own plan of not attending the speech. [ laughter ] but the president won't be talking to an empty room. just like the oscars, congress has seat fillers-- people who

occupy the chairs but serve no real purpose-- they're called democrats. [ laughter ] i gotta tell you, skipping the speech isn't just some f-u to the president. all of these republicans have a good reason, like louisiana senator and "former" whore rotisserie david vitter. [ laughter ] vitter is going to be at home. >> i'm going to be watching from my family room in metairie, louisiana, because i have a saints game party there, and i'm absolutely going to be there for the big game. as a fanatic, i have my priorities.

>> stephen: yeah! priorities. there's only one kickoff game, but there'll be years more crippling unemployment. in fact, because of the saints/packers game, some nbc affiliates in wisconsin aren't even carrying the speech. you know what, i'm not watching the speech either. i'm a huge fan of the wisconsin pac-men. time to tailgate. let's do this right here. let's go. let's fire up the grill. all right. john the johnsonville brats going. i cannot wait to watch that football. i just enjoying -- enjoy watching that big guy tack that other guy for the points. i love watching the points. i got a sixer of old milwaukee here. i've been through a few i got a sixer of old milwaukee, and a sixer of listerine to wash away the taste of the old milwaukee. [ laughter ] and to make sure my tv doesn't accidentally click over to obama's speech, i'm go to remove the batteries from my remote here. and i am going to replace those

with mini sausages. there you go. take that up. and, what do you know? i still have power. anyway, of course, all right. that's enough tailgating. of course, the most controversial aspect of the president's speech was the date which obama originally scheduled for last night. >> it was the timing of the president's speech that became the subject of a testy confrontation between the president and the speaker. >> there was a republican presidential debate scheduled for the same time the president wanted to speak >> stephen honestly i admire the president for having the swinging air-force-twos to try and bigfoot the republican debate. it's the same reason i celebrate my birthday on all of my staff's birthdays. [ laughter ] speaking of which, happy birthday, glenn. now, where the hell is my gift? [ laughter ]

[cheers and applause] really tastes like michigan. [ laughter ] but i say if the president is so desperate for his speech to get our attention, last night, this night, it don't matter. to reach the unemployed he needs to deliver it when the unemploy ready watching tv. at 3:00 a.m. right after a slap-chop infomerical. by the way, i partially blame the slap chop for this unemployment crisis. it chops, dices and minces! that's three jobs it killed! [ laughter ] folks, better yet, the president should just work his message in to the programming that's already on at that hour. jim? >> are you constantly strug well

your strap? >> right now there are folks struggling. >> when you wear a turtle neck you look like this? >> democracy isn't always pretty. there's got to be a better way. >> we've proven we can come together to solve problems. >> introducing the all new genie bra. >> that's how we'll meet this challenge. >> that sleek sillo wet. this is the perfect bra for me. >> that's the spirit we need to harness it. >> barack obama's bras and jobs. order now. [cheers and applause] wow, our economy already seems fuller, perkier and more confident in a tank top. we'll be right back.

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