>> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> lookie here. very excited. >> i love this show. it's great. >> take a look at the tan lines. >> wow. >> i've never had a tan

captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. thank you. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. it is... [cheering and applause] that is good. that is good. good. folks, please, we've got to get to the news.

nation, unfortunately it has been... [cheering and applause] nation, it has been two days since president obama inflicted his jobs bill on america. now, i know this plan is terrible, but i also know it's 200 pages long. so i don't know why it's terrible. [laughter] luckily the friendly friends at fox and friends put their research team on the case, and they zeroed in on the fatal flaw. >> president obama's jobs bill hot off the presses. >> at kinko's? hundreds of billions in tax hikes and new spending bound together with a chintzy clip. look at that thing. >> stephen: yeah, look at that chintzy clip. he couldn't even ask an intern for a duo-tang, which, it's important to note, does not mean the same thing it did when clinton asked interns for a duo-tang.

[cheering and applause] and in case you missed the "fox and friends" in depth analysis, do not worry, it was all over the news. jim? >> come on, this is your jobs bill. that deserves a large, shiny binder. instead it's with a little clip. >> we need the good one from kinko's, right? >> stephen: i'll tell you, folks, the story of clip-gate is spreading like wildfire all the way from fox news studio e to fox news studio j, but it's not just fox news, folks, this story has been picked up all across things rupert murdoch owns, like yesterday's "new york post" "ogives jobs clip service. tack hike plan bound by chintzy fastener." yeah, why so chintzy? if he really believed in this bill, he should have presented it in a leather-bound volume with gold filigree and

illuminated nishes so the republicans have something presentable to dismiss before they ever look at it. plus, plus, if the president was serious about getting americans working, he would have given that clipped job to an unemployed person. [laughter] proximate [applause] all right. all right. nation, i have said for years that the postal service is a fraud. if it's really first-class mail, why doesn't my letter get a complimentary cocktail on a hot towel? well, fortunately the post office is about to be returned to sender. jim? >> a crisis at the u.s. postal service. >> the u.s. post office is going bankrupt. it can't pay back the treasury department for loans, $5.5 billion in loans. >> with no help, the post office could default by the end of this month. >> the worst-case scenario, a

complete shutdown this winter unless congress steps in. >> stephen: that's right. the survival of the post office depends on swift congressional action. good-bye. [laughter and applause] and, folks, i say good riddance. remember, ben franklin was the first post master general, so clearly the whole idea is just the mad ramblings of a syphilitic brain. "i know, i'll glue a pretty little picture on the upper right hand corner of an envelope. i'll drop it in a box and two days later it will appear in another box magically across the country. then i shall fly a kite in a thunderstorm. french horns for all my friends." [cheering and applause] mmm, mmm, mmm, a snifter of mercury, mmm, mmm, mmm.

besides, the post office's financial crisis is the post office's own fault. what kind of business model is the forever stamp? that's like chili's with their bottomless coke. by the way, i'll be back tonight, chili's. daddy's still thirsty. [cheering and applause] besides, we do not even need the post office anymore, right? >> people aren't using the post office. >> they have post offices all over the place. close down some. >> our money, the taxpayers' money, let the post office go. >> fedex and blackberry do a much better job anyway. >> stephen: yeah, blackberries are way better. you can't play brick breaker on an envelope. stupid envelopes. and if grandma really wants to

send you $5 on your birthday, she can fedex it. although she -- you may want the send her the $5 back so she can cover the $15 minimum. there is one down side to the united states becoming the only civilized nation without a postal service. i have not yet appeared on a stamp. [audience reacts] >> i know, i know, i no. i always wondered whether they'd go with the young me or the fat me. [applause] working on it. well, folks, that ends today. go to colbertnation.com and order a set of actual u.s. postage stamps featuring me sending a farewell e-mail to the post office on my smart phone. it is perfect for your christmas cards. [applause]

[cheering and applause] but, folks, other than giving my fans the chance to lick my backside, i cannot think of one good reason that we need a post office. here to give me several good reasons is former male carrier and author of "there's always work at the post office" phil rubio. dr. rubio, thanks so much for joining me. [cheering and applause] all right. here's the book. "there's always work at the post office." you used to work at the post office. >> yes, i did. stoop steep now you're a professor of history, correct? >> yes, at north carolina a&t state university in greensboro. my students wanted me to give them a shout-out. >> stephen: okay. you got it. >> thank you. >> stephen: i'm going to have to charge you for that unfortunately. why should i care about whether the postal service is here or not? >> two words: universal service. two million addresses are added

every year. 45 million address changes, who is going to do that besides the postal service? fedex, ups? >> stephen: yeah, those guys will do it. >> they won't. >> stephen: if they can make any money, they will do it. that's the free market. the postal service is a quasi socialist system that does not use the free market to gough earn whether a stamp is only 45 cents if it goes to alaska. >> lest talk about what the postal service really is. it's always been a government agency, but it has to operate on a corporate model. so it has to do a delicate balancing act. it can't be too competitive with ups and fementdex. >> stephen: that's my problem with the post office. it's not competitive in the real world. >> well, it's not allowed to be competitive. >> stephen: did you not hear that. [knocking] that means i won. >> it's not allowed to be competitive. there are certain constraints that tell it that it can't compete with ups or fedex in certain areas.

>> stephen: here's where i think the real problem is. the post office is a public-private hybrid. it's controlled by congress but receives no taxpayer money. >> exactly. >> stephen: they should... they should flip that. that's a terrible business plan. they should be more like halliburton, which gets lots of taxpayer money and is controlled by no one. think about it. will you tell those people? >> but then it wouldn't be... but then it won't be the postal service, which again goes everywhere. it delivers everywhere. >> stephen: oh, halliburton will go anywhere and they'll deliver anything you want for the right price. >> one thing that people can do to save... if they're interested in saving america's postal service, i would invite you to join that, too, it's called save america's postal service dot org. the postal unions have gotten together and they'll be holding rallies in all 50 states and the district of columbia. you can go on the their web

site, save america's postal service dot org. tuesday september 27th. the locations will be announced two days from now. >> stephen: are you sure they're going the happen? what if it rains or sleets or snows at night? >> funny you should mention that. i worked for the post office for 20 years. there were blizzards. there were hurricanes. and we opened a day or two afterwards as most, whereas my internet service provider recently was down for a week in our area code. i was calling india every week, calling tech support trying to find out when i would be hooked up. the post office kept delivering the mail. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: they will be missed. phil rube, you thank you so much for joining me. "there's always work at the post office." we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [cheerin]

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much, folks. nation, it's no secret. if you're watching the show, you know that i have been an early supporter of g.o.p. front-runner rick perry, so, folks, i was caught off guard when his fellow republicans turned on him in monday's debate. >> well, first of all, let me say for rick to say that you can't secure the border i think is pretty much a treasonous comment. >> i don't want to offend the

governor because he might raise my taxes or something. >> i think governor perry would agree with me that if you're dealt four ace, that doesn't make you necessarily a great poker player. >> stephen: he's right. what makes you a great poker player is your ability to bluff, like a mormon trying to convince people that he has ever played poker. [laughter] and folks, i was blinding sided, blind sided when something wolf blitzer said actually informed me. jim? >> governor perry, as you well know, you signed an executive order requiring little girls, 11 and 12-year-old girls to get a vaccine to deal with a sexually transmitted disease that could lead to cervical cancer. >> i'm a mom, and i'm a mom of three children. and to have innocent little 12-year-old girls be forced to have a government injection through an executive order is just flat out wrong. i'm offended for all the little girls and the parents that didn't have a choice. >> stephen: bachmann, of

course, always strongly pro-choice, as long as that choice is cervical cancer. besides, we all know, folks, we all know... [cheering and applause] we all know what getting this vaccination is going to lead. to >> some conservatives think that by giving a young girl this vaccination, it encourages her to have premarital sex. >> i don't know. i have four daughters. and if i said to my daughter, look, you're going to get a shot, this is to prevent you from getting sick from when you are sexually active, she's smart girl. i really don't think she would take that as me saying, sweetie, go ahead and have sex. >> you are living in a dream world, you whore factory. [cheering and applause] folks, i am telling you, i am telling you, the only thing keeping our kids from humping at the bus stop is fear of the big "c." you let the government mandate a vaccine that helps prevent one form of cervical cancer, and you might as well let the u.n.'s

jackbooted thugs hold down your little princess and inject her with pharmaceutical grade slut juice. giving your girl this vaccine is admitting that one day in the future she may have premarital or post marital sex. and you're saying that's fine with you. well, i will not say that to my children. hell, i will not say that to my grandchildren. i will say, i don't know how you got here. ask your parents. i don't want to know. [laughter] and folks, after the debate, michele bachmann raised an even more disturbing issue with this vaccine. >> a woman came up crying to me tonight after the debate. she said her daughter was given that fact seen. she told me her daughter suffered mental retardation as a result of that vaccine. there are very dangerous consequences. >> stephen: that is damning news for this vaccine. we should get a second opinion. >> the american academy of pediatrics, the american academy of family physicians and the c.d.c. all weighed in today,

disagreeing with michele bachmann's views. >> stephen: okay. so what i'm hearing here is that there is a disagreement in the scientific community on this issue. on one side you have the full weight of the medical and sign scientific establishment. on the other side you have michele bachmann citing studies in the new england journal of some lady i just met. [laughter] well, i say... [cheering and applause] i say, if that's the case, i say we teach the controversy: should we be preventing cervical cancer or not? that will be a tough call for president bachmann's first appointee, surgeon general guy behind her at the petco checkout line. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [cheering and applause]

>> stephen: bell come to "the report," everybody. my guest tonight is academy award-winning documentarian who has written a memoir, "here comes trouble," which is what he'll be thinking as soon as i stand up. please welcome michael moore. [cheering and applause] michael, good to have you back.

i'm going to tell you, good to see you again. how you been? >> i've been doing good. what happened to your portrait back there? >> we're unveiling a new portrait soon. no, no, no, no puppets back there. [laughter] now, michael, i'm excited because you've got a new memoir, the stories from my life, "here comes trouble." well, explain to me about this. parents can read this story, stories from your childhood, and use it as a cautionary tale. to make sure our children don't turn into you. [laughter] 2348 because, michael, you've got to know at this point, it is over. liberalism has lost, and you stand as a walking,, breathing cautionary tale, a decaying don quixote standing at his windmill. with every turn of the spar, you are driven down into the mud.

send yourself a letter while the post office is still here, michael. [cheering and applause] it's over. it's over. >> i'll respond. i'm afraid it's your side that's over. you have... your... not you personally, but your people. >> stephen: oh, "your people." that's racist. go ahead. go ahead. yeah, yeah, you can't tell any irish people apart. go ahead. >> i'm a bigot against people like you that support wall street and corporations and... >> the job creators. you hate job creators. go ahead. >> the job eliminators is what your people are. and, yes, i am a bigot against all of you. >> stephen: how did you become who you are? was there a moment in your childhood when you saw an injustice? did you blow the lid off the lemonade stand? he's using country time powder. >> i was... i was standing in

line for my graduation, and the assistant principal was going down the line to check to make sure each of the boys had a tie on, and the boy in front of me had a string tie, and he yanks him out of the line and says, you're not going through graduation, and he kicked him out, like literally shoved him out of the building because he had the wrong tie on, and i stood there and said nothing. and it bothered me so much that i remained silent because i didn't want to get in trouble. i didn't want to get kicked out of my graduation, and the next day i just thought about this and then his mother called me and told me this story about what happened to him afterwards, and i just thought, wow, that's the last time i'm going to be silent when i see something going on that's wrong, even if it's a little thing like, that i'm going to speak up, it's my responsibility as a human being. >> stephen: okay. well, let's talk about speaking up. [cheering and applause] that's the last time i want you

to applaud for him. let's talk about things that are wrong. [laughter] you say early on in this book that some of the stories might not all be true. so you are admitting that you are a liar. [laughter] >> no, it doesn't say that. >> stephen: not true, right? >> the stories are true, but what i say at the beginning is they're from memory, and they're my memory, and three people could see the same thing and see it different ways. i'm sure your memory is such that you probably remember the 2000 election as george bush winning in a landslide. >> stephen: i seem to remember him being sworn in. >> yes, that part is true. >> stephen: it's true. thank you. i accept your apology. [laughter] >> and we accept your apology for the eight years that we had to suffer through that. now let's talk about this president right now. >> stephen: you supported this guy, right? >> yes. >> stephen: okay.

are you in despair that you see... that you handed over the last flickering flame of liberalism to someone who will give congress more than they could get from a republican president? >> that list flickering flame, that man won by ten million more votes than john mccain. that was a huge margin, not 200 votes. >> stephen: hey, it ain't the size of the boat. it's how you drive it. okay. an we're in rocky waters. >> i think in the case of barack obama, it is about that. >> stephen: let's say you wave a magic wand and barack obama changed instantly or you could change the democratic candidate be this year? who should the democrats run if it wasn't barack obama? >> it should be barack obama. >> lest say magic wand. >> there's no magic wand. >> stephen: in my story there's a magic wand. some of my story is not true, just like your book. okay. if there was magic wand, i don't

understand, why don't the democrats... the republican run actors all the time and they win because they're beloved figures, ronald reagan, schwarzenegger, ted thompson for senate. how come the democrats don't run tom hanks or oprah. >> stephen: tom hanks? did you see "booze um buddies"? the man was a france -- transvestite. michael moore, thank you for joining us. the book is "here comes trouble," and you better believe it. we'll be right