daniel: i love it when people act like they don't understand why the rest of the world may hate out country. we have a game show in our country called survivor.

that's a game in our country, where you can win $1 million for surviving 30 days in a place where people already live. do you realize what kind of message that sends ? "i've been here for 60 years. may i have some bread ?" "no, we're americans. "this is a game. "ahh ! "we don't have our cell phones, "this is really hard. "i don't even get service here "anyway, and i'm a cingular. "they merged with at&t-- "i'm supposed to have "double the bars. "i have no bars. "and i hate this island of "'wah-ha pooey,' "which i thought was a shampoo "by paul mitchell. "it's not. "that's awapuhi, and it smells good." you can't celebrate in football anymore ? that's a rule change ? are you kidding me ? if i score a touchdown, which is unlikely, because i went un-drafted yet again... despite a solid 40 and great hands, i will celebrate. and i'm not gonna point to the heavens either, i'm gonna go like this...

because god is everywhere. he is. he's in my soul. he can be in yours. you have to invite him. he's like a vampire. the dude's got rules. "stop celebrating and just do your job." their job's to catch a ball. i don't care if you get in the end zone and have a ten-minute tea party, it's a game. just don't get mad at me when you're paralyzed from the neck down being carted off the field 'cause some free safety took your head off, and you see me in the stands going, "ha-ha ! "dance now, you overpaid clown ! "how does it feel to know "god hates you ? "maybe v-8 will sponsor a vegetable." yeah. saw a guy wearing a "what would jesus do ?" bracelet and a lance armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. and he wasn't used to the light, and it was bright, and he walked into traffic

and was killed instantly. okay, people that are laughing, i'm gonna call you half full because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working. i took my "what would jesus do ?" bracelet, i put it on my jewish friend's wrist, it burned his skin. he threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent-- we both started laughing. we left it there. we hate snakes. we think they're slimy, even though we know they're not. do you get the joke ? i'm making fun of people that take the bracelets too literally. they're not magical, they're a reminder to be a better person, to live a better life. and if you need a rubber band around your wrist to be that, here's an idea. take it off and snap yourself in the eye and see if that wakes you. i wore a "what would jesus do ?" bracelet in a movie theater once to see if it worked. a guy's cell phone went off-- one of those obnoxious rings where it's a song and he doesn't wanna answer it

because the good part's coming. then he answers the phone in the theater. "what's going on ? no, i'm in the movies." this is what i said verbatim. i'm not gonna censor myself. "hey, buddy, get off the phone please." this is what he says to me: "shut up and mind your own business, ass( bleep )." ah, now there's trouble in river city. i'm a man, not much of one, but a man. i will choke you, if you are younger, smaller, and preferably white. i have my hands on his neck, and then i saw my bracelet staring right back at me. "what would jesus do ?" so i lit him on fire and sent him to hell. i did, i had to. amen. i waste so much time in my life. i could have accomplished so much more, but i have no dreams, like, real dreams. i sit at home thinking about "how come nobody with "a lamborghini ever pulls up

"next to me and is like, 'hey, man, you want this car ?'" i'm like, "( bleep ), yeah, i do, yes ! i got a lamborghini today !" it just never happened. i think that's wasted energy. i wanna get rich enough in life that i can afford to release a dozen doves every time i walk into a room. you know people would be like, "did you see that guy "come out of the bathroom ? "the one with doves, "it was beautiful. i bet that's john woo's kid." ah ? oh, balcony appreciating a woo reference. front-row guy just going, "yes." the rest of you google it-- i don't care. i hate you, google. you've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. i shared a computer with my girlfriend-- she'd look up anything-- "i'm gonna look up apples today." she just hits "a". it's like, "asian ass porn" instantly.

google's like, "i'll take it from here. "i know exactly what you're looking up." well, every time you hit "a", it's "asian ass porn." google, all i ask is you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. it's bad enough i'm clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. i'm trying to have an honest relationship, and you are ( bleep ) my ( bleep ) up. and guess what ? when i'm looking up asian ass porn, guess who has all the time in the world ? uh, i do. i've got the house locked, the plantation shutters are closed, my keyboard is in a safe but reachable distance. do you appreciate the picture i am painting ? i am jerking it in this joke. this is high-brow stuff, guys. i'm gonna be so famous.

daniel: i shave all my pubes. i don't know why i looked at you when i said that, but i thought you would appreciate it. why ? because i'd like to have the fastest sex ever. that's why. i got 3½ seconds on my best time. congratulations, little phelps. check off "swimming joke." got one.

i wrote that joke because my friend's a swimmer. he's like, "why do you shave all your pubes ? i'm like, "why are you in my bathroom ?" "'cause i enjoy watching you poop." and i'm like, "okay, no more "slumber parties. that's creepy." sure, i do it adorable-- both elbows on the knees, fingers crossed, chin down-- that's my business. close the door. i got the bellagio coming out my ass, i don't need an audience. high-brow poop joke ? my father said impossible, i said nay. top that, bob newhart. do you love goose-down feathers ? do you have the trifecta ? mattress pad, pillows, comforter ? oh, oh, oh... it's like sleeping in heaven. until that quill comes through the pillowcase and sticks you in the eye, and says, "how's that feel bitch, huh ? "you like sleeping on my carcass, do you ?" "ow ! "goose, why do you

hurt so good ?" maybe a higher thread count. 600 does the trick. quit sleeping on 12, that's hay. spend the money. it's 1/3 of your life. sorry, my nose itched. hello, carol burnett's daughter. i think i'm too young for that reference, and it doesn't warrant an "aw." when i die, which is gonna be in four years-- yay ! it's the only thing i can plan. i'm gonna be cremated from the neck down. yeah, then at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. and then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience, and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits, or you have to start the whole service over. and no cradling it. i want legit sex. anyone seen karch ? do you guys daydream about being on the price is right as much as i do ?

contestants row, the last bidder, the sweet spot. what are you gonna do ? you're the last bidder. "one dollar." does your hoodie sweatshirt say "i go to the university of i waste my bid" ? because that's what you just did. that's a dumb-- the best bid, statistically, you have to muster up some courage and go, "okay, i need to know "what the highest bid was. "se-- okay, 781. ( blowing raspberry ) "ruined your day, "didn't i, lady, huh ? "you got an awfully "small window. hope you nailed it." i don't know why you wanna nail it anyway, so you can go on stage, reach into some old guy's pocket for a $100 bill ? my grandpa used to do that all the time. there was no $100 bill. there was a hole in his pocket and no underwear on. excuse me. don't you go "oh." my grandpa was a great man. if he wanted his balls touched by a little boy, he was gonna get it. he shed blood for your freedoms, and don't you forget it. i think i'm on the wrong side of that one-- i get it.

you ever say the silent prayer when you see the old lady spinning the wheel, hoping once in your lifetime she gets caught underneath and it snaps her back right in half and a pool of blood comes around and lands on a dollar ? bob starts peeing himself. he can't hold it, not at that age. it's dangerous, so he's peeing, laughing. "get up, bitch, you have a bonus spin." take the bonus spin seriously. what are the greens worth in the bonus spin ? 5,000. that is a lot of coin. it's gonna slow your heart rate down, you're gonna bid more effectively in the showdown. now you're in the one seat-- you get to bid or pass. bid or pass ? pass ! of course, it's rookie. the first showdown: carpet, couch, dinette set. i'm not on "the queer price is right," am i ? i signed up for the straight one-- yeah. i'm gonna send that south. i'd like the second showdown. that one has a waverunner and a camper. it's a white-trash starter kit. i know, i know. a lot of you are like, "we don't even have a trailer hitch." screw it. you're camping in your driveway. maybe you can buy an inflatable pool so your kid can drown,

or maybe you could spend more than $100 on a pool. you're a horrible parent, and i'm glad your grass died. are we down to six people ? perfect, okay. "well, i don't "get the last part. "i mean, obviously "the last part-- "what, the grass died ? what does that mean ?" "if you leave the pool out for a day, it kills your lawn." "i rent an apartment." "that joke's clearly not "for you. "maybe if you're nice, he'll do a poorer version later." i won't.

daniel: i heart president bush. president bush has done some great things. i don't know if you're aware of this, but '07-- extending daylight savings time two months longer. yeah, i'm aboard.

thank you. that's great. do you not know this ? next year, it's two months longer. there's not new months, like "rectober" and "toyotathon," which i'm sure he tried. they're like, "what ? what are you talking about ?" "never mind. "i'm gonna go to the ranch. "i'll see you in seven weeks. "that storm cut my last one short." okay, first of all, daylight savings time was created for farmers, and there's only four of them left, so i don't think they warrant half the calendar year. i say keep it 50-50. but instead of one hour forward-- ready, ready ? five hours forward. suck it ! by the way, if you ever have a job where you have to give speeches in front of people, pepper in the phrase, "suck it." very empowering. just be like, "as you can see "from our powerpoint "presentation-- suck it." and your client's will be like, "did he, did he say 'suck it' ? "i like this guy. he's a go-getter."

okay, i say change from one to five hours forward, because people with 9-to-5 jobs, you've gotten so selfish and complacent with the daylight. you get it all the time. people that work at night, 1/3 of this country-- according to a survey i made up for this joke-- we get robbed. it's not fair. half the year five hours forward. it means the sun's rising at noon. it means i don't feel like such a piece of ( bleep ) every morning when i'm waking up. i'm like, "wow, the sun's just "now coming up ? "i might mail a letter "and get groceries today. "time for me to turn "this life around... "starting tomorrow. "because today there's a "laguna beach marathon "on m.t.v. "and i'm gonna get caught up "on season three, "try to figure out why they're so ( bleep ) ugly this year." and that joke's not even over. are you kidding me ? and sexually transmitted diseases would drop off completely.

oh, i'll feed you, baby birds. do you think i'd leave you with a cliffhanger ? mm-mm, that's not my style. five hours forward-- think about it. that means the sun's setting at two in the morning. it means-- guys, you're at a bar pumping drinks into some girl, you get to bring her outside in the daylight. yeah, you'd be like, "no. "uh-uh, nah. "seriously, i had a lovely "time this evening, "but i will see your ass back in standard time where you belong." and she's like, "oh, you'll be back. "they always come back for my ( bleep ) in the dark." ( screeching ) and you will be like, "thank you, daniel, "and your new "daylight savings time. "you kept me from having sex with a pterodactyl." and you don't wanna sleep with a pterodactyl, not at your place. they have a 14-foot wingspan minimum. they're knocking everything off your counters. they're like...

then you have to go to target. you're on a budget. that place gets expensive. you go in there for two things, but then you see the frames. who can pass up brush silver ? i say we change all our socket covers, not just the bathroom. ah, you see that guy ? one guy ! i kept going 'til one person was like, "holy ( bleep ), "that joke had everything. "oh... oh, my goodness. "do you mind if i recap ? "there was sex, "there was pterodactyls, "the knickknacks at target. "and i was just telling you, "we should change "our socket covers. "this guy's more of a prophet, less of a comedian." you're welcome. you are welcome, sir. i think we should legalize marijuana in this country. yeah, i really do. awesome. just so potheads have nothing to talk about ever again. come on, it does get a little annoying after awhile. "hey, you wanna get high ?" "no." "why not ?" "because i'm not in "the seventh grade,

"and i have things to do. "why don't you grow up and do coke like an adult ?" yeah, that's what i'm talking about. let's get some meth. no ? all right, sorry, i went too far. nothing like tweaking for three days, am i right ? i love flip-flops. do you ? women-- it's okay to love them. men-- it's 50-50, right ? because you've been stuck, you've been caught, you've been at the airport urinal in your flip-flops. ha, not the best time. you're standing there, your feet get a little wet, you haven't started yet. ohh. now there's a problem. you got two choices. you can: one, ignore it, live that kite runner shame as long as you can bottle it; or you can two, face your attacker. whisper in his ear, "thank you. "that's what i like before a flight to phoenix, get me ready for the heat." that is a golden shower and kite runner reference in the same joke--

almost impossible, almost impossible. i pull it off because i care. all right. i'm pro gay marriage. just the idea of having a man around the house. finally i get some stuff done. let's go, we got chores this weekend. woman: downloading music can be expensive. so to save money, i trained my dog and this cockatoo to play all the hits of the '80's woman: hit it, mr. butters. ♪ ♪ take on me... ♪ ....take on me ♪ take me on... anncr: there's an easier way to save. get online. go to geico.com get a quote. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

daniel: i always think it's funny when guys find out that somebody's pregnant. and you're a guy and you're