(cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, please, please, please, have a set. welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us. folks, as you know, this weekend was the emmys and we won!

(cheers and applause) yes, we won last year. (laughter) we won last year and we also won three years ago for writing. and it is a great feeling that does not last. (laughter) but anyway, i just want to say i am happy for my friends over at "the daily show." congratulations, you guys. what really upsets me this year is that once again i was overlooked by the emmys immemorium reel. what does it take? (laughter) seriously, cliff robertson? barbara billingsley and james arness? they have not worked in years! god i hope i get on that thing before jon stewart does. (laughter) but what really enraged me was all the british people touching america's golden lady. and by british, of course, i mean anyone with an accent. (laughter) kate winslet, guy pooers, maggie

smith and, most british of all, the creator of "downtown abbey" julian fellowes. >> at the risk of being grandiloquent, i would like to thank you, the american industry. >> stephen: well, at the risk of being grandiloquent, go fornicate yourself you wicket-sniffing mash banger! america invented t.v., buddy! we get the awards for it. and look who he won for! i believe we have a clip of masterpiece theater's "downtown abbey" right here. >> pardon me, do you have any grey poupon? (laughter) (cheers and applause) you know what? you know what? i take it all back. that maggie smith can act. (laughter) of course, there's one foreigners really robbing america-- barack obama. (laughter) yesterday obama unveiled his deficit reduction plan with yet

another fiery speech from the rose garden. i am beginning to think he has locked himself out of the white house and is afraid to admit he can't find his keys. (laughter) folks, you don't to be a rocket scientist to understand that the u.s. needs money. which is good because we have laid off all of our rocket scientists. (laughter) by taxing the rich, there is a name for what obama is trying to do here. >> when you pick one area of the economy and you say we're going to tax those people-- because most people are not those people-- that's class warfare. >> the president wants to move down the class warfare path. >> i don't think i would describe class warfare as leader >> stephen: yes! it is class warfare! and that is unfair for rich people who, generally speaking, would prefer not to fight our wars. (laughter) meanwhile, president obama denies his tax the wealthy plan is even war. >> this is not class warfare. it's math.

(laughter) >> stephen: since when does math settle anything? like evolution, i believe math is joous a theory. (laughter) and demonizing the wealthy is not what our economy needs. just ask g.o.p. economist guru paul ryan. >> if you tax something more you get less of it. if you tax job creators more, you get less job creation. >> stephen: yes! job creators like me need low taxes so we can continue to create jobs! just look at history. in 1995, the effective tax rate paid by millionaires was 30.4%. by 2009 it had dropped to 22.4%. and over that same period, unemployment plummeted from 5.6% all the way down to 9.3%. (laughter) folks, i promise... i promise

there is more jobs coming! just be patient. we job creators are like a slot machine. if we just keep pumping in tax cuts, eventually we're going to pay off! you can't quit now, you've got us all warmed up. but the most frightening aspect of obama's plan is that it might be popular, a recent cnn poll shows 63% of people think taxes should be raised on high-income americans and corporations. that's ridiculous! if we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist? (laughter) now, fortunately, there is a way to raise revenue without asking anything of our job creators and it's the subject of tonight's word. (cheers and applause) death and taxes, folks, if we don't find someone to pay the government's tab soon, congress may get desperate enough to do the unthinkable-- what the

majority wants. (laughter) fortunately the republicans have another way. >> let's grow the economy and create jobs, broaden the tax base. >> we need to lower tax rates for corporations and individuals and broaden the tax base. >> we've got to broaden the base. >> we need to broaden the base so that everybody pays something-- even if it's a dollar. >> stephen: yes. we need to broaden the base. right now our economy is balanced on such a tiny base that every time wall street pours all of our money into an elaborate scheme based on the inability of poor people to pay their mortgages it collapses. (laughter) so the question is... (laughter and applause) the question is, folks, how do we broaden it? well, luckily... (laughter) america is sitting on vast fields of untapped revenue. >> we're dismayed. we're dismayed at the injustice

that nearly half of all americans don't even pay any income tax. >> half the people in this country pay no income tax at all. >> 47% pay nothing. everyone should pay something because we all benefit. >> stephen: michele bachmann is right. everyone needs to contribute because we all benefit from the government programs she has promised to eliminate on day one. (laughter) so... (laughter) just how... just how do these freeloaders dodge federal income taxes? well, it turns out half of them don't pay simply because they make less than $20,000 a year. that's right. they are living the good life in their cushy jobs as fry cooks, wal-mart greeters and slaughterhouse floor great debrainers. "oh, look at me, itch my own apron!" and before you cry for the poor, remember 90% of soup kitchens reported increased demand over the last year. that's right. the so-called poor have special

kitchens just for soup. (laughter) so save your tears, folks. and it's not just low income workers because over 20% of these moochmericans are elderly people enjoying tax-free social security benefits. money they use to fuel their decadent life-styles sitting around the house taking drugs all day. and i believe that we cannot stop at the elderly and the working poor. we must also tax everyone who found the ultimate loophole in our income tax code-- having no income. just because you're one of the 16.6 million unemployed americans doesn't mean you can't pull your weight. that's why god gave you two kidneys! (audience reacts) and those who say, oh, are you going to tax the poor to death? i say death no excuse for not

paying their share! i mean, just think... (laughter) just think of these lazy bones lying on their backs all day in their fancy satin boxes. hey, i don't know about you, but my bed doesn't have a lid. (laughter) so, folks, let's not just broaden the stacks base, i say we need to deepen the tax base. and let's force these cadavercan americans to pay in the form of rings, watches, and whatever else we can pry from their cold, dead hands. (cheers and applause) that is not grave robbing, it's grave sharing! because to solve the deficit, we have no choice but to tax the working poor, the non-working poor, and the non-living poor. (laughter) otherwise, we might have to consider raising taxes on the wealthy. and that's the word.

we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks... thank you very much.

(cheers and applause) folks, it's no secret, i love our troops so much that i would never join them. (laughter) because then i'd be constantly giving away our position by yelling how much i love us. which is why i was so saddened by today's news from the front lines. >> after nearly two decades this morning, the ban on gays and lesbians in the united states military is history. >> after 18 years of controversy "don't ask, don't tell" died at the stroke of midnight. >> stephen: see? "don't ask, don't tell" ends and immediately midnight is stroking it. (laughter) now that i know... now that i know the sum of the... that sum of the troops are gay, i don't know how to support them: for instance, the yellow ribbons. does it mean something different now? is that gay code? i know what the brown handkerchief means and what the baseball cap on the belt loop means and the two foot taps under the bathroom stall and the shoulder bump at the bar and the

eye contact in line at the bank and the best buy clerk asking me if he can help me buy flat screens or the guy at the deli asking me if i want sugar in my of free. (laughter) thank you, everyone, i'm flattered but, no, i don't swing that way. (laughter) the end of "don't ask, don't tell" has forever changed our perception of our military. suddenly these missiles look phallic! or what about this submarine? or this tank barrel? or general ray ode area snow please, general! point that thing somewhere else or at least stop polishing it. (laughter) in fact, all wars suddenly seem kind of gay. all that macho posturing about who is invading who's front or using the element of surprise to flank the enemy's rear. everyone's wearing perfectly matching outfits with shiny shoes and high stepping. don't believe me?

look at this. in 1944, navy corpsman melvin dwork was expelled from the navy for being gay-- though mr. dwork may have also violated the navy's policy against being a mad magazine character. (laughter) but last week, folks the pentagon changed mr. dwork's discharged status from "undesirable" to "honorable" making him eligible for long-denied military benefits and, in the process, making all of world war ii homosexual. turning the greatest generation to the gayest penetration. (laughter) i'm sorry! i am sorry, tom brokaw! that is not me saying that, that is the pentagon! and don't get me started on world war i with everybody huddling down in each other's trenches. and the franco-prussian war with those mustaches and headdresss. message received, otto. (laughter) at this point, folks, the only war i can think of with zero gay

overtones is the one in 300. (laughter) just a bunch of shirtless oiled greek dudes fighting for the right to be all straight with each other. (laughter) so, pentagon, i am calling on you to revisit this decision. you do not want to go down in herself history as the organization that made settling international conflict with state-sanctioned hopl side seem, you know, kind of weird. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> welcome back, everybody. our guest tonight has written a book about the bonds between siblings. if i don't like his answers, i'm telling mom. please welcome jeffrey kluger. (cheers and applause) thank you, mr. kluger, thanks so much for joining me. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: all right, sir, you are a senior writer for "time" magazine, you are also the author of "lost moon" which is what the apolo 13 movie was based on and you have a book called "the sibling effect, what the bonds among brothers and sisters reveal about us." okay. what can you... we never met before. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: what can you know about me based on my birth order in a family of 11? >> well, first of all, in a family of 11 there was a

ferocious battle for survival in your nest. >> stephen: there was. >> every child in the family is competing for mom's and dad's attention, love, resources. and think of that, if mom has 11 chicks in the nest and only ten worms, someone's going hungry. now, the youngest is the one who's the likely toast go hungry so what the youngest does is develop a sense of charisma, a sense of charm, an ability to disarm and amuse and that way it's a low-power strategy, it's called. you're the littlest one and you find ways into the minds and hearts of the people around you. >> stephen: this is a very good book. is (laughter and applause) very good book. so let's get back to how charming i am. so i use my charm how? what did i do? you said low power >> you're the smallest american the room so youngest children are able to do a better job of

put intoing what's going on in somebody else's mind. if you're not able to intuit what's going on in your big brother's mind, you are about to get slugged. >> stephen: let's talk about the slulging because in the big family there's a cascade effect in who gets beaten up. >> that's right, yes. >> stephen: and you say that we actually... we might learn more social skills from our brothers and sisters than anybody else in our lives. >> stephen: that's right. your brothers and sisters are with you the entire ride from the beginning to the end. your parents leave you too early your wife and kids come along too late. your siblings are the dress rehearsal for your life. it's a little bit like kittens wrestling. two kittens wrestle, they bite each other's necks, nobody's trying to kill each anybody. but what you learn biting a neck will be used killing a mouse. >> stephen: so what social skills was i learning when my brother pinned my shoulders down with his knees and then pretends to spit on my forehead but then

sucked it back at the last minute. (laughter) what was the skill? what was the terror and the disgust doing for me at that moment? >> i'm not sure science has opened that door. but what it was doing, though, was teaching you how... (laughter) >> stephen: true story. true story. >> it was teaching you how to surrender. it was also teaching you.... >> stephen: really? (laughs) >> well, you have to give up. >> stephen: you have to go rubber at a certain point. >> exactly right. and a. >> stephen: and if a lot of your brothers were all-state wrestlers and they used you as a wrestling dummy to practice illegal choke holds on? >> you learn weeping. >> stephen: how to share my emotions with shame. (laughter) what other important birth orders... let's talk about the oldest. what does the oldest got that the youngest ain't? >> the oldest has... it's sort of like corporations, families. families invest more in their own ed child. they have two or three years

before the next ones come along. so think about how corporations operate. it's called sum cost. the further along a project is, the likelier they are to support that as opposed to a younger project. or a less developed product. (laughter) so the oldest one will generally be the one most deeply emotionally invested in. >> stephen: and the other kids are what? spares? (laughter) >> sort of replacement parts. >> stephen: replacement parts. are there famous examples of, like, oldest children/youngest children? >> who thrive.... >> stephen: like who are examples of younger behavior or eder? >> sure, if you look at joe kennedy and teddy kennedy. teddy had certain behavioral issues as he was growing up. now he became the patter a mill i can't say, he became the authoritative one in his family and this is called the functional first born. my older brother went to prep school so i became the functional first born in my family. so you step in when the oldest

one isn't able to execute the duties of office. >> stephen: does sex matter? because, you know, my sisters are bossy. (laughter) and my sister mary is not the oldest but she is the boss of the family. >> absolutely. >> stephen: we all love her and are afraid of her. (laughter) and do girls do that more often? >> girls do that more often in the domestic setting. it's what's called family domains, what happens on the soccer field and maybe your big brother would thrive there. there's what happens at home and your big sister will be the authority. also girls serve as civilizing forces for boys. it is true what college girls say that they can tell a boy who grew up with sisters and college boy cans say they can tell a girl who grew up with brothers because they know a little bit how the turn the tumblers of the opposite sex and get inside their mind. >> stephen: you said that youngest children are sort of intuitive and charming and charismatic and older siblings feel confident and invested in and have their own dynamism.

where do you fall? >> i am a middle child so there's a cinderella quality to that. >> stephen: do your oldest or younger brothers have a book? i'd love to read one of those. (laughter) they sound fascinating. >> sadly, they do have very good books. >> stephen: please get me their names. thank you so much. jeffrey kluger, the book is "the sibling effect." we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. well, that's it for the "report," everybody. before we go, i just want to welcome two new members of the colbert nation. gabriela born to my producer tanya. like everything tanya produces, gabriela was born on time and under budget. (laughter) and not to be outdone, we also welcome gregory, born to my audience coordinator stuart. yes, after nine months of waiting, he is finally here which i believe is the same amount of time my audience waits before each show. (laughter) although our audience holding areis more cramped than a womb. (laughter) now, i don't like to have multiple staffers out at once so to avoid any future overlap i am distributing a detailed staff procreation schedule. len, it's your night to make a baby.