( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you. welcome to the report. please, sit down! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, thank you. we've got to go. we have a huge, huge show for you tonight. my guest tonight, my guest will be mark cuban, he is the owner of the n.b.a. champion dallas mavericks and internet entrepreneur and former "dancing with the stars" mumbo king ♪ if you want to go take a ride with me smot ♪

( laughter ). >> stephen: now, don't worry, i have made him sign a sworn affidavit that he will not make that face ( laughter ) speaking of ( bleep ) grins, colbert's superpac, thanks to the supreme court's citizenses united ruling, superpacs can take unlimbed donations as long as hay don't coordinate with campaigns, and they reveal their donors, as i have with my crawl of heroes down here. ( laughter ) and i have been moved by the diversity of the donors, folks. scottish americans, like iron balls mcginty. indian americans like m'balz es hari. and greek members of the colber nation like loveporn cockonopolis. and of course, a hearty thank you to donor poop giggle, who clearly hails from the nation of kindergartenstan. so how much have you given? let's just say we're into numbers i wouldn't want to serve

in a federal prison. so here is a heartfelt toast to being the king of pacs. i just feel bad for the previous king, translucent american, karl rove, whose pac american crossroads must look pretty pathetic right about now. jimmy, show me how karl is doin% while i unsuspectingly fill my foot and mouth with champagne. >> last year, american crossroads was committed to raising $120 million but they have a new target-- $240 milli million. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, my god. oh, my god. ( cheers and applause ) oh, my god. ( laughter )

sorry, that was a spit-take flash back. how does karl do it? i'd ask him but, you know, karl is shy. he doesn't do television, where the rare exception of every show on fox news ( laughter ) so once again, for the scoop, i turn to the closest thing to karl rove, a pair of glasses on a ham loaf. ham loaf, thank you for joining us. now, how did you raise all that money? ( laughter ) nothing, nothing. man, he-- he is tough. but luckily, he is also tender. ( laughter ) you see, folkes, i'm irish, and my people believe that if you eat a ham in the shape of your rival's head, you gain all their knowledge. ( laughter )

and all their sodium, too. here goes. mmm. aaahhhh!gw i am karl rove's memories. his house has a lot of full-length mirrors, and his bath robe has no sash. no! oh! oh! okay, okay. now i know, american crossroads evidently was formed in march of 2010. at the time, they promised "we have created an organization that will be highly transparent, and with that transparency, during the entire month of may 2010, american crossroads raised exactly $200. ( laughter ) evidently, american crossroads had passed go. ( laughter ) so in june, rove created a

sister group called crossroads g.p.s., but unlike your car's g.p.s., this one only says. >> turn right, turn right, turn further right. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you see, you see, crossroads g.p.s. isn't a pack. it's something called a 501-c-4, which does not require donor disclosure. it's like a secret santa. if santa wanted to weaken environmental regulations, and while american crossroads raised only $200 in may, in june of that year, crossroads g.p.s. brought in $5.1 million. that's an increase of 2,550,00 2,550,000%. ( laughter ) those are numbers usually seen only in e-mails for boner pills

( laughter ) clearly, she's c-4s have created an unprecedented, unaccountable, untraceable cash tsunami that will infect every corner of the next election. and i feel like an idiot for not having one ( laughter ) here to help me make my move to secrecy and obfuscation completely transparent, please welcome former general council to the mccain campaign, and my personal lawyer, mr. trevor potter. trevor, nice to see you ( cheers and applause ) you want some ham rolls he's not-- he's not kosher. all right, now, trevor, i've got all these people down at the bottom of the screen who have been giving me money, individual americans, but i haven't gotten any of the big corporate money. that's why i have a superpac. why wouldn't a corporation give money? >> well, they'd be nervous about gig in a way that their name is publicly disclosed.

people might object to what they've done. their shareholderes, their customers. >> stephen: okay, so that's where a c-4 comes in. a corporation or individual can give to a c-4 and nobody gets to know they it. >> that's right. >> how can i get one. >> and that money can be used for politics. >> stephen: great, that's good, too. >> we need to get you one. >> stephen: as long as it goes through me, it can go through anything at the present times. how do i gets me one, trevor? >> well, lawyers often form delaware corporations which we call shell corporations that just sit there until they're needed. >> stephen: some anonymous shell corporation? >> right. and i thoop have one here in my briefcase. >> stephen: let's see it. okay, what's it called. >> it's called anonymous shell corporation ( laughter ) registered-- >> stephen: that's not a real ripping to it, trev. >> registered in delaware. >> stephen: i don't have to go to delaware, do i? >> no, it's already been done for you. >> stephen: okay, anonymous shell corporation filed in

delaware. okay, i got this. so now i have a c-4? >> right. now we need to turn it into your shell corporation, your anonymous one, and we do that by having normally a board of directors meeting. >> stephen: and who's on the board of directors? >> well, just you. we can just-- >> stephen: sound like a nice group of people. let's do it. let's call-- okay. ( laughter ) and i've shattered my champagne glass ( laughter ) i hope-- i hope there's no sensitive electronic equipment down there. all right, call to order. let's cothis thing. >> all right, so, this says that you are the sole director of the corporation. >> stephen: i am. >> and that you are now electing yourself president, secretary, and treasurer. >> stephen: sounds like a great board. >> and are you authorizing the corporation to file the papers with the i.r.s. in may, 2013. >> stephen: so i could get

money for my c-4, use that for political purposes and nobody knows anything about it until six months after the election. >> that's right. and even then they won't know who your donors are. >> stephen: that's my kind of campaign finance restriction. okay, another so now i've signed it. i have a c-4? >> you have a c-4. it's up and going. >> stephen: so without this, i am transparent. with this, i am opaque. ( laughter ) without it, you get to know. with it, you go to hell. ( laughter ) without it, here's who gave me my money. with it, you know what? your mother gave me my money. well, i like that, trev. ( cheers and applause ) okay, okay, so now i can get corporate, individual donations of unlimited amount for my c-4. what can i do with that money? >> well, that c-4 could take out political ads and attack candidates, or promote your

favorite ones, as long as it's not the principal purpose for spending its money. >> stephen: the principal person is an educational entity, right. i want to educate the public of what people cause earthquakes. >> there are probably some c-4s doing that k-i take the c-4 money and donate it to my superpac? >> you can. >> stephen: well, wait, wait, superpacs are transparent. >> right -- >> stephen: and the c-4 is secret. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: so i can take secret donations in my c-4 and give it to my supposedly transparent superpack. >> and it will say given by your c-4. >> stephen: what is the difference between that and money laundering? >> it's hard to say ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: well, trevor, thank you so much for setting me up in this brave new world ( cheers and applause ) trevor potter,

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. folks, for those of you who just joined us, i helped form colbert superpack shh, a 501 c4 that accepts unlimited but secret donations. that means i don't have to disclose my donors anymore, so, jimmy, let's switch to the new 501 c-4 crawl. there you go. now, it turns out that my friend, karl rove, has a pac

that is primarily funded by a few high rollers. in fact n2011, 90% of his money came from just three billionaire donors. folks, billionaires are just salt of the earth people, in that they own salt mines and much of the earth ( laughter ) and, also, some people. ( laughter ) but c-4s are much better than pacs. according to the sec, they don't have to disclose they're billion arizona. they're like campaign finance glory holes. you stick your money in the hole, the other person accepts your donation, and because it's happening anonymously, no one feels dirty ( laughter ) so, clearly, i needs me a sugar daddy. it's time to play the don'tating game! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the donating game. let's meet our host, kevin kline ( cheers and applause )

>> thank you. thank you very much. >> stephen: i should explain. excuse me, kevin. i should explain. one of the reasons i need a billionaire is that i have blown a lot of your cash hiring oscar winner kevin kline to host this game. >> i don't come cheap. ( laughter ). >> stephen: al all right, tonight we have three eligible anonymous billion wheers will have a chance to put their money where your mouth is, stephen. anonymous billionaire number one has a global media empire. he enjoys sailing. his hot young asian wife, and crippling the british government with scandals that spread like crabs at a youth hostel ( laughter ) please welcome billionaire number one. >> g'day, mate. >> stephen: oh, irish. >> no, australian?

a. still, european, nice.kevin . >> anonymous billionaire number two hails from chicago where she amassed a fortune by being the only thing on at 4:00. she enjoys dramatic fluctuation in addition weight, very long engagements and her best friend, gail. please welcome anonymous billionaire number two. >> stephen, i want to have an a-ha moment with you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh. that sounds dirty. >> it's about living your dream! >> stephen: oh, really dirty. ( laughter ). >> anonymous billionaire number three comes to us from dallas, where he's the owner of a pro spors team. he enjoys yelling at n.b.a. refs, yelling at n.b.a. players, and yelling about his massive n.b.a. fines. please welcome anonymous billionaire number three. >> the dallas mavericks are the world champs.

that's the trophy, and the rest can suck my big gold ball. >> stephen: oh! ( cheers and applause ) this one's fiery. me likey. >> okay, stephen. i have fulfilled my contractual obligations ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you, kevin kline. thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) now, then, how much money would you give me, billionary number one? >> i'm not going to give you any money. i already donated $20 to see my name in the crawl. ip. fosters. that's australian for funny. >> stephen: great, billionaire number two. >> stephen, i can't give you any money route now, but i can give you a car! >> stephen: i doment want a car. >> i'll take a car. >> stephen: i just gave you

stacks of cash. you're a movie star. you have lots of money. >> i raked in quite a tidy sum with all those "sophie choice" action figures. >> stephen: yes, they were part of mcdonald's tragic meals ( laughter ) >> wasn't my idea. >> stephen: speaking of tragedy, billionaire number three, i hesitate to even ask. i'll give you a lot of money. >> stephen: we have a winner! ( cheers and applause ) >> anonymous billionaire number three, come on down! >> wait, wait, no! the whole point is that you don't know who i am! >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: oh, yeah. well, tell you what, can you meet me back over there in about two minutes after the commercial break? >> absolutely. >> stephen: well, that's it for the donating game. >> we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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ford fusion has now been named the most dependable midsize car by jd power and associates. we go to kimberly. any thoughts on this news? i have no idea what's goin on. we are out. what was that? they told me it's the most dependable midsize sedan and they ran back into their little box.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a billionaire entrepreneur and the owner of the n.b.a. champion dallas mavericks. the interview won't really get exciting until the fourth quarter. please welcome mark cuban! ( cheers and applause ) hey, mark. what's going on, my man. nice to see you again. all right, congratulations on the mavericks, man. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: that is fantastic. you must feel vindicated.

>> i do. after 12 years now, we finally won and it feels great. >> stephen: people said it couldn't be done. >> and it was. they told me year after year you're an idiot. it's never going to happen, and here we are, champs? champs. >> stephen: mark, you're a billionaire. >> i'm proud to say that. >> stephen: you're proud to say that? >> yup. >> stephen: i would be too. i hope to say it some day. you're a billionaire and i'm about to get in bed with a billionaire for my c-4 who would prefer to be anonymous. >> right. >> stephen: what are billionaires like? ( sighs ). >> we're kind, we're caring, we're the, you know, type of person you want your daughter or son to marry. i mean, we're just really down-to-earth people. >> stephen: really? >> really. >> stephen: so you can be a nice gay and be a billionaire? >> yeah, look at me. right? ( applause ) >> stephen: did you pay those people to cheer? >> anonymously.

anonymously. >> stephen: all right, as a billionaire, do you get hit up for cash by politicians all the time? >> all the time. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. i mean, i get phone calls, e-mails, letters, fedex, u.p.s.-- everything? a. has karl rove ever hit you u? >> he sent me a ham ( laughter ) >> stephen: are. >.>> stephen: really. >> i was like what is this ham for? but i didn't read it. >> stephen: do people look at you, do you think, and see a checkbook? >> they see those big stacks of money. that's what they see all the time. >> stephen: all these people, you don't know who's calling you, you don't know who to give to. who do you give to? >> i haven't given to a political campaign or politician in years. it's been a long time. >> stephen: so you're due. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you're like the slot machine that's all warmed up. the right person's just got to stick a quarter in you. >> yeah. >> stephen: let's say for kicks that you were the

anonymous billionaire behind a 501 c-4. >> okay, let's just say. >> stephen: and you were talking to the person who had the c-4. >> okay, hypothetically. >> stephen: hypothetically now. what would you want that person to advocate in advertisements that you wouldn't want the public to know you were secretly behind? >> wow. ( laughter ) you know, i've given it a lot of thought. it's a good question. probably to-- not ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: well, that is certainly food for thought. ( laughter ) mark cuban, thank you so much for joining us. entrepreneur, team owner mark cuban. we'll be right back.

>> stephen: thank you very much. well, that's it for the show, everybody. but before we go, i would like to thank everybody who has donated to colbert superpac and for those of you who donated but whose names have never appeared in the crawl at the bottom of the screen, get your d.vr remots ready. jimmy. hit it ( laughter ) ( applause ). that's it for the report, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) good night! captioning sponsored by comedy central

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