>> stephen: tonight new developments in my colbert superpac. i can't wait to find out if i'm legally obligated it to tell you about them. (laughter) and my guest lieutenant colonel jason amerine has done two tours of duty in afghanistan in the last ten years. halfway through the interview i will turn my interest toward iraq. a scientific panel has recommended against prostate testing. but my prostate was up all night cramming. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )

>> stephen: thank you very much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. thank you, please, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i've got to tell you, on nights like this when i hear that applause, it's like i've snorted a line of you. (laughter) and folks, i-- i don't know about you but i need the pick me up because we all know the sad news. sarah palin is not running for president. (laughter) feels like my heart quit halfway through its first term. (laughter) and palin, ever the rogue,

did not hold a self-serving press conference like chris christie, no, she bowed out of the race the way our founding fathers intended, by having talk show host mark levin read a press release on his show. >> i've just received a statement from governor palin, this is breaking news. and she writes, after much prayer and serious consideration, i have decided that i will not be seeking the 2012 gop nomination for president of the united states. thank you again for all your support, god bless america, sarah palin. governor sarah palin, how are you, my friend? >> how are you, great one? i'm feeling just fine. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, i am as speechless as sarah palin must have been while she was pretending she wasn't there the whole time. (laughter) and in response i have prepared a statement of my

own. jay? jay, come out here and read this. jay, the internal, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> i've just received a statement from stephen colbert. this is breaking news. and he writes, after much prayer, and much more prayer, i have decided i am extremely disappointed by sarah palin's decision to not seek the 2012 gop nomination for president. god bless sarah palin's alaska, stephen colbert. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i'm sure you have some questions for me. >> yeah. why didn't you read this? (laughter) >> stephen: well, i would have, jay, but that time i needed to spend with my family. (laughter) jay the intern, everybody. thank you. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: and folks-- thank you. folks, it is clear who is to blame for taking sarah away from us. her so-called supporters. you did not give her enough money. she gave you plenty of chances. just a couple of weeks ago sarahpac was sending supporters a desperate cry to help her. quote, someone must save our nation from this rogue to european socialism, do you think it should be governor palin? if so, you can send your best one time gift to sarahpac today, to show her we support her if she decides to run. (laughter) you clearly did not clap enough money at her and now governor tinker bell is dead. (laughter) folks-- all she's got lef left-- thank you. all she's got left in sarahpac is $1.4 million. how what is she supposed to do with that now. spebdz it on herself? she can? well then she should. (laughter) she deserves it.

maybe a little retail therapy. buy herself a nice dress, or perhaps a former aide silence. nation, i've done something i thought was impossible. i have heart karl rove. legend's say you need an elvis blade to do that. which-- which i happen to have. (cheers and applause) let me explain. karl is up set about last thursday's colbert report in which i discuss his two political action groups. american crossroads, which can receive unlimited money but has to disclose the names of its donors. and cross did roads gps which is called a 501 c-4 and which can also collect unlimited money and doesn't have to disclose any its donor. so i decided to copy karl and form my own 501 c-4, colbert superpac shh.

i thought-- i thought-- (applause) thank you. folks, i thought he would be flattered. it's not like i copy everything karl does. other than that one time when we were roommates. (laughter) and after i formed my secret donor c-4 i asked my lawyer and dear friend by the hour trevor potter, how the money could be used. i can take this c-4 money and then donate it to my superpac? >> you can. >> stephen: so i can take secret donations of my c--- :c-4 and give it to my supposedly transparent superpac. >> and it will say given by your c-4. >> stephen: what is the difference between that and money laundering? (laughter) >> it's hard to say. (laughter) >> stephen: not true. it's only hard to say under oath. (laughter) well, the blame steve media

twisted my words with misleading articles like colbert slains rogue's money laundering scheme. and stephen colbert versus karl rove, who's better at money laundering? hey, hey media, i wasn't talking about karl rove's shadowy unaccountable organizations. i was talking about my identical shadowy unaccountable organizations. i cannot believe that my show was deliberately misrepresented in the news. it's supposed to be the other way around, guys. (laughter) well, and this is absolutely true, i have now received an e-mail from karl rove's lawyer. okay. he contacted my lawyer saying, and i quote, copying future distribution or use of this communication is prohibited. (laughter) okay, i don't see anything about reading it on television.

so [bleep] it, here we go. whoever, in order that you have accurate information crossroads gps has not made any transfers to american crossroads. and crossroads gps does not intend to make any transfers to american crossroads. going forward, any innuendo that such transfers have been made can readily be dismissed by simply reviewing the american crossroads fec filing. fair enough. so to undo the damage i have unwittingly done to karl's otherwise spotless reputation-- (laughter) i will now issue a rare clarification. as his lawyer points out, karl rove has two pots of money. one that can take unlimited donations from anybody, but he's got to report who they are. and another, way bigger pot of money, that can take unlimited donations and they don't have to report jack squat. not to imply that karl's receiving donations from

texas oil tycoon jack quote. (laughter) who, of course, inherited the bulk of his fortune from his father, papa squat. there is no-- repeat-- repeat, there is no evidence of money laundering. and karl's lawyer specifically assures us that no money from crossroads gps will be laundered. that is a promise from karl rove. but if there is any dirty money, it will stay dirty. (laughter) you got to respect that. now in that same show i also said karl rove's head looks like a ham loaf with glasses. (laughter) and if you eat that ham, you gain rogue's memories. i would apologise for that too, but since they don't mention it in the e-mail i assume they agree. (laughter) but folks-- (cheers and applause) folks, i believe a clarification is not enough.

i want to apologise to karl face-to-face. unfortunately, he did not respond when i did not reach out to him. (laughter) we're both very busy men. so instead i'm going to apologise face to ham loaf with glasses. (cheers and applause) okay. ham rove, thank you for joining me again. i want you to know, i never meant to imply you were a money launderer, okay. please accept my apology. (laughter) hmmmm, silent treatment. i guess i've got that coming. well, there's only one way to know if he actually forgives me. (laughter) aaaaahhhh! he's cool with it!

well, thank goodness. (laughter) i'm so glad things are kosher between me and karl. sadly, things can never be kosher with ham rove. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) there's something new for lunch at olive garden.

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>> welcome back, thank you very much. dheers plaus thank you. folks, as i'm sure you know apple co-founder steve jobs passed away last night. he was a visionary who changed the way we use computers, listen to music, communicate and stay awake in meetings. (laughter) so the thing i will miss is that no one else could make me beg quite like him, jim? >> everybody's talking about apple's new iphone, but nation, there's some very disturbing news about this so-called revolutionary device. i don't have one yet. apple, what part of give me a free iphone don't you understand? >> the ipod 2 is here. >> oh my god, i need it! i need it. give it to me. (laughter) >> come on, apple, give me one through the tv. i know you have the

technology. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, most people have to pay for that kind of product placement. you can trust me on that. i'm a doctor. and is a testament to steve job's generosity and my celebrity, that everything i asked for, i got. >> guess what, folks. i gots me one. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whhoo. >> the big story tonight is, i have an ipad. >> i got the new ipad 2. (cheers and applause) let's hit the internet to buy some pets.com on my new imac. >> you know, i still have that lime green imac. i hallowed it out. it is where i keep my obsolete iphone. plus i was the first nonapple person to have an ipad. and i got to show it off in front of a global audience. >> and the no tees are-- i'm

sorry, where's the list. oh, i know, it's on my ipad. (laughter) jay z, did you not get one of these in your gift bag? am i cooler than you? well, according to my are you cooler than jay zi poopd, no, i am not. that was a waste of $3. okay. all day newsmen have been quoting jobs inspiring words. like his engaging keynote announcement, his philosophical 2005 standford commencement speech and the soaring rhetoric of the itunes terms and conditions. (laughter) but on a personal note, i was one of the few people who could call steve jobs a close friend. in that he communicated with me once. (laughter) the morning after my grammy

appearance, i received this highly personal e-mail from the man himself, this is truement let me read it to you off the ipad that, may i remind you, he gave me. for free. subject, last night. message, sweet, thanks, steve. (cheers and applause) okay. reply. right back at you. thanks for everything. and send.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is among the first american soldiers to fight in afghanistan. i will ask him where i can get one of those karzai hats. please welcome lieutenant colonel jason amerine. (cheers and applause) lieutenant colonel, thanks so much for coming on. all right, first of all, thank you for your service. >> of course, thank you for having me. >> stephen: thank him for his service, everybody. (cheers and applause) is it hard to know what to say when somebody thanks you

for your service. >> it always is. >> stephen: right, because you don't want to say you're welcome. that seems a little casual. >> yeah. >> stephen: people must say it a lot, though. >> not as much as you would think. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, i think that that's one of those things where when we, when we're traveling in uniform, when we're visible traveling in airports then yeah, people are running up to us. when you see people with short hair in civilian clothes that are traveling, you know, at airgas station getting gas or whatever, then i think we just seem a little bit less approachable in a strange way, when we're not in uniform, but people know we're in the military. >> stephen: speaking of uniforms, thank you for coming in the full dress. a lot of the soldiers come on in this awful olive drab. (laughter) but you, you really put on the duds. you've got a lot of things up here. are these hard to get? the things-- is it difficult to get the things that you have on your chest. >> you know, for me, the

stuff on my uniform never meant a whole lot it was actually the stuff my soldiers earned that meant everything to me. >> stephen: let's talk about what you and your soldiers earned. you were one of the first groups to go in to afghanistan. ten years ago, tomorrow? >> right, right. >> stephen: okay. what was afghanistan like at the time. >> 2001, i mean i think people forget the emotion. 9/11 had just happened. and for us there is such a sense of purpose when we went in. we didn't know the afghans. the afghans didn't know us. they'd suffered through a traumatic civil war that they were trying to make right with the taliban regime in power. for us, we were trying to find a reckoning for the september 11th attacks. i mean we're on the ground. we're trying to figure things out as we went along. >> stephen: you had never trained with these guys before, have you. >> no, we had never been there before. >> stephen: so you are fighting side-by-side with

afghans who you had just met. >> yeah, i mean we had to trust each other quickly. and the most surefire way to gain trust is when you are getting shot at by the enemy. >> stephen: that is a very key trust exercise. okay, so you fought along hamid karzai. >> yes. >> stephen: did you know right from the beginning that he was going to be a leader? could you see that in him? >> i actually, when we first met him, he seemed like a college professor to us. but my fondest memory was we're out on the street, trying to gather guerrillas because hundreds of taliban are coming to attack us. and karzai is out there with us bravely gathering the troops so we could do wh we could to protect everybody. he was brave. he was fearless. >> stephen: were you living monday the afghans, were you living with them. >> that is what special forces does. >> stephen: okay, sorry, i forgot to tell the people specifically, you're special forces officer. did you have the beard and were you sort of blending in the whole time.

>> we all grew beards, we did. we didn't blend in very well because the 200 pound americans, we didn't look afghan but we at least looked like we were trying (laughter) >> stephen: it's good, it's good. not perfect but it's good. how large was the group you commanded? >> i commanded an 11-man special forces team. >> stephen: and did all those men make it back. >> no. i lost two of my men. their heart and soul of the team were dan petitore and jefferson davis. they reason incredible soldiers. dan was the voice of the deep. he was one that kept us sane. he was just an amazing man. jeff was the father figure, my second in command. and he was one that made sure we were on the right track. he kept us brave. >> stephen: ten years on, seeing the sacrifice those two men made for their country and all the

sacrifice that the 1800 men who have lost their lives in afghanistan just from the american forces, now we've gotten bin laden. the al qaeda has been driven out into pakistan, should we still be in afghanistan? isn't it time to say we did everything that we had set out to do. let's come home and do some nation building here? >> that's certainly an option. we did it in the '80s. and i guess you know, '80s retro can apply here too. in the '80s we fought with the afghans, against the soviets. when the soviets were defeated and they retreated from the country, we left afghanistan right away and the country fell into a terrible civil war. that's where the taliban came from. i mean we had that option again. if we can withdraw and we can leave it to the afghans. i mean ultimately this is an afghan fight and it's for the afghans to figure out their future. >> stephen: as you said at the beginning of the interview it is hard sometimes to hear thank you for your service. you're not sure what to say.

is there something else you think that people could say to service members to thank them? >> i think thank you for your service is the right thing to say. i just think that for us it's difficult because we think of those who died. we think of those who are still overseas. we think of those who are recovering from horrible injuries in the hospitals. that's what makes it difficult to know what to say. >> stephen: well, i will just thank you again, thank you so much for your service. lieutenant colonel. lieutenant colonel jason