( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. you may not remember this.

years and years ago we used to have these things called books. they were like paper. you would hold them in your hand and move them around. we wrote one. and we made it out of a hard cover. now we've made it softer. you can get it. each one of them was given one under their chairs. oh, that's exciting. it goes on sale at midnight tonight. enjoy. here it is your moment of zen. ♪ imagine there's no pizza ♪ i couldn't if i tried captioning sponsored by comedy central

(cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, i got to say, you do that so well, i could listen to it for six years. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i also want to inform any professors who might be watching, tonight counts as one biochem credit. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, i hope you all had a great columbus day weekend. seems like i'm the only one

left who still takes off the traditional nine days. (laughter) >> stephen: that glorious autumn weather here in new york, mild temperatures, not a cloud in the sky. a dog urine index below 4. (laughter) so saturday i took the whole family to times square to see my favorite musical comedy, phantom. (laughter) he's deformed. but i did not need to because we got to see some free spectacular street theatre that seemed to be a combination of "rent", "les mis", "hair" and "stomp" apparently the occupy wall street protest broke out of their fair trade cage free biodegradable free love sweat lodge down in zurcotti park and spread their anti-1 percent message all over the world, from boston to portland to london to tokyo to rome.

of course in italy the one percent refers to the portion of the country that silvio berlusconi has not had sex with yet. (laughter) but most troubling of all, is that the occupation has spread right here to my studio. look at this mob of young-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: never do wells. nothing to do with-- never dowels, nothing to do with their lives, willing to stand for hours on end, endure harsh treatment and overcrowding all for the chance to yell at some poor guy in a suit. well i say bring it on. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: fair warning, fair warning, don't try to rush the desk. i am armed with pepper spray. (laughter)

folks-- (laughter) i'm not surprised there are a lot of angry people out there. america is stuck in a jobs crisis. it's gotten so bad that this weekend i drove by home depot and picked up a carpenter, a landscaper and gastroenterologist. best $10 colonoscopy i ever had. gracias. (laughter) well, finally, folks, there is a simple way to get americans back to work and it is the subject of tonight's word. (cheers and applause) look out for the little guy. of course president obama thinks that spending tax dollars to rebuild roads and bridges will put people back to work. but folks, the republicans know that to put people back to work, you don't want to

build bridges and roads. you have to tear down some walls. >> we have to reduce onerous regulations. >> we have to get rid of a lot of these regulations. >> we'd love to see a moratorium on federal regulations which are coming out by the thousands costing businesses billions and billions of jobs. >> stephen: of course billions and billions of jobs is ridiculous. so let's say just one billion. with 300 million americans, that's three and a third jobs for everyone. (laughter) and regulations-- regulations have never created a single job. but lack of regulations creates plenty of case in point. the job creating proposal by republican florida state representative rich workman. obviously the man to create jobs, it's right there in his name. workman, not to mention rich.

workman has a bold regulation-cutting solution to the job crisis. >> it's called dwarf tossing. whoever outlaws this practice to help little people from getting hurt. but one florida lawmaker says the law should actually be repealed. >> whether you approve of dwarf tossing or not, florida shouldn't be telling little people what they can't do according to state representative rich workman. >> stephen: yes. dwarf tossing. now i apologise if anyone's offended. i'm sure there is a more pc term. of course-- (laughter) dwarf tossing is the sport of kings wherein a little person puts on a helmet and is hurled by a frat guy hammered on jaeger shots into a soiled mattress. you know, full employment. of course, the little people of america say that dwarf tossing can lead to psychological dangers and

paralysis. and hollywood has been lobbying against it for years. (laughter) even representative workman agrees that dwarf tossing is wrong. >> i'm offended by it, i get it, i am too. it has nothing to do with whether or not i think it's a cool thing to do. the reality is i thinked's ridiculous. however, it's not the role of government to say it shouldn't be done. >> stephen: exactly. workman thinks it's offensive and ridiculous but it's not the government's place to regulate it. when jobs are at stake, that decision should be made by a more trusted group. bar owners who need a theme night to replace wings and boo b's wednesday. (laughter) because ladies and gentlemen, florida's dwarf tossing ban is nothing but a job killer. as workman told "the palm beach post", all that it does is prevent some dwarfs

from getting jobs they would be happy to get in this economy. yes, dwarves would be happy to have these jobs. i'm sure the only reason peter dinklage is on "game of thrones" is because he couldn't get a good job being chucked at a wall. (laughter) and i believe, i believe that repealing this ban would be a massive job creator. just look at the projected growth. (laughter) i say if someone is willing to do a job no matter how dangerous, pointless or de humanizing it is, the government has no business stopping them. i mean in this economy, in this economy, folks, should we really be stopping people from holding gladiator bum fights or redhead rodeos? where cowboys on horseback lasso and hogtie gingers.

or-- with unemployment at 9.4%, should we ban baby juggling or albino paint ball hunting or eating sushi off the comatose. the point is the economy today is bad. and if you are's not willing to toss tax dollars is a problem, then the only thing left to toss is human dignity. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you very much. folks, thank you. nation, folks, they say it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. that's why i play every sport with a baseball bat. the other boxer never sees it coming. this is the sport report. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, first up the world series.

there will be one. (laughter) which is more than i can say for the nba season. jim. >> owners and players are deadlocked in a labor dispute that failed to meet a deadline monday. the nba's first two weeks of games have now been cancelled. >> the commissioner david stern said today his gut feeling is that they won't be playing basketball on christmas day. >> stephen: what? basketball on christmas is a tradition dating back to the birth of christ. when the wisemen found the babe in swaddling clothes and shot him out of a t-shirt canon. (laughter) folks, folks, you know, i do not see eye-to-eye with the players. in fact, i barely see eye to groin. these selfish hoop center centers-- hoop sters don't care about you, they are already making plans what they will do once they have ruined the season from kobe bryant playing an exhi business game in italy to la bron james asking about the

nfl free agent deadlines to sixers ford andre iguadala spending a week as an intern at merrill lynch. i believe his duties consisted mostly of 360 tomorrow a haubling tomahawk photocopying. i will tell you who the real victims are. the nba owners. like my close personal friend dallas mavericks owner mark cuban. he's not allowed to comment on the lockout as he made clear on my show. >> let's talk about the lockout. >> okay. >> stephen: what's going to happen in the lockout. >> i can't talk about the lockout. >> stephen: you just witnessed history, folks. the first time mark cuban has kept a thought to himself. (laughter) well, mr. cuban-- (applause) >> stephen: mr. cuban may not be able to talk about the lockout but mr. colbert superpac can. last week-- last week we bought air time on dallas

wfaa channel 8 news, to air our new pac ad. jimmy, make the dynamite go boom. >> it's another sad day in america as the nba lockout grinds on, depriving millions of their favorite sport. meanwhile, the nba players will stop at nothing to get all. with unemployment at an all-time high, the players are demanding more millions. but the nba owners are on your side. they're working hard to save the season. so americans don't have to watch hockey. nba owners are job creators who send our economy soaring, like these things, and heroes like mark cuban, are the number one employer of our nation's tiny blimp pilots. the players have missed their shot. so call your local sports radio show and yell, we want

our nba! -- responsible for the content -- advertising, made possible by a generous donation from-- . >> stephen: ha! (cheers and applause) folks, stop. a powerful ad sure to bring this crisis to an end. except for one minor detail. wfaa did not run our ad. >> boo! >> stephen: i could not have moaned that better. (laughter) well, wfaa, you have [bleep] with the wrong people. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we are colbert superpac and our raid tonight is big and bright. >> deep in the heart of texas. >> stephen: nice. and what is wfaa's excuse? according to the letter i received from their sales manager, quote, here's an

explanation of what happened. i can't explain why it happened. (laughter) i can. they're trying to silence you, nation. are you going to take it? >> no! >> stephen: wfaa, i call on you to air our ad tomorrow on a prime spot like good morning america. it will be a dose of hard truth between segments on keeping your pet happy and cocktails inspired by dancing with the stars. (laughter) because folks, this right here is clearly an elaborate nefarious conspiracy by wfaa, unless, this is really an elaborate nefarious conspiracy by me! (applause) think about it. think about it, folks. put it together. mark cuban comes on my show the same night my superpac gets an anonymous donor. then suddenly my superpac makes a tv commercial about

the nba lockout, that-- were cuban paying for the ad would violate nba commissioner david stern's gag order and remember that's a basketball gag. (laughter) so the question is, the question is what did i know and when did i know it. and will david stern find mark-- fine mark cuban. well, folks h there is only one group that can get to the bottom of this. the crack news team of wfaa. i'm talking about anchor ron corning, greg fields on weather and alexa conomos on traffic. channel 8, dallas news leader has won seven peabody awards, two edward r. murrow awards and 20 regional emmy awards just last year alone, 20. five more and they get a free foot long. (laughter) basketball's in your court, guys. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

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>> stephen: thank you very much, welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a musical legend whose new book is called "my song" which is great because i have a song called pie book.

please welcome harry belafonte. (cheers and applause) pleasure to meet you. what a pleasure to have you on. >> what a pleasure to be on. >> stephen: now sir. >> at last, to be on stephen colbert. i can't believe it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: would you like a moment to sink me in. >> yes. >> stephen: now you're an artist and an activist. your 1956 album calypso made you the first artist to sell over a million albums. okay, you've got a tony, emmy, national medal of arts. you were advisor to the peace corps, a unicef goodwill ambassador, a leader of the civil rights and anti-appear-- movement and your new book is called harry belafonte, my song. (cheers and applause) first of all, can we get a

shot of that, who is-- i got to know, who is your lighting guy because i want him to follow me around wherever i go. that is a fantastic look. you knew everyone, like this book is full of stories of you and martin luther king, sinatra, jfk, rfk. how did you have your fingers in so many other pies. how did you-- what was your connection to all these people? >> i just had a great lust for life and lust for what was going on in america. and just wanted very much to be involved in where the times were going. >> stephen: but you're a muss ig though. why was a musician involved in so much activism. shouldn't you just be singing the banana boat

song. which by the way is one of the finest banana counting songs ever. (laughter) >> i must tell you that that song has an awful lot to do with the events of the day. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, if you stop and really listen to the lyrics of the banana boat song, it's a work song, it's a song about people doing grueling work on a plantation. and to turn that into an anthem that people would be singing, especially at new york yankee games, ever been to a yankee game. >> stephen: i have, yeah. >> every now again you here ta-ooo. and the whole stadium goes newspaper a big day-o shout. >> stephen: did you get a little piece of that? (laughter) that's a real injustice (laughter) >> now you know why i'm here. (laughter)

(applause) >> stephen: you did, you used your banana counting family and your desire to page the world a better place to help with the civil rights movement. you helped organize the march on washington. which i was at, actually. i was at that in my mother's womb. she was pregnant with me. >> you haven't changed a bit. >> stephen: back then i had your hair. (laughter) an why use fame for social change? why not just be rich and lusted after? that's what i do well why, why would you be motivated. >> well, i had that option. and when i looked at it and tried to be reasonable about what to do, with so much power, with so much adulation, with so much

profile, i thought that the community from which i came would be better served if i would focus a light on what happens to people who are not quite as fortunate as we are. and that i had a responsibility to reach into that misfortune and try to make a difference. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: do you still sing? >> yes, on occasion. >> stephen: on occasion. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: where the nights are gay. >> and the sunshines daily on the mountaintop ♪ ♪ i took a trip on a sailing ship ♪ ♪ and when i reaches jamaica ♪ i made a stop ♪ now i'm sad to say ♪ i'm on my way ♪ won't be back for many a

day ♪ ♪ my heart is down ♪ my head is turning around ♪ ♪ i had to leave my little ♪ girl in kingstontown (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i'm afraid we have to leave our little talk right here. harry belafonte. his book is "my song" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right