you may not remember t years and years ago we used to have these things called books. they were like paper. you would hold them in your hand and move them around. we wrote one. and we made it out of a hard cover. now we've made it softer. you can get it. each one of them was given one under their chairs. oh, that's exciting. it goes on sale at midnight tonight. enjoy. here it is your moment of zen. ♪ imagine there's no pizza ♪ i couldn't if i tried

captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, i got to say, you do that so well i could listen to it for six years. i also want to inform any professors who might be watching, tonight counts as one biochem credit. (cheers and applause) nation, i hope you all had a great columbus day weekend.

seems like i'm the only one left who still takes off the traditional nine days. we've had glorious autumn weather here in new york, not a cloud in the sky. a dog urine index below 4. (laughter) so saturday i took the wol family to times square to see pie favorite musical comedy "phantom" he's deformed. (laughter) but i did not need to because we got to see some free, spec fact lar street theatre that-- spectacular street theatre that seemed to be a combination of "rent", "les mis", "hair" and "stomp" apparently the occupy wall street protests broadcast out of their care-free biodegradable free love sweat lodge down in zurcotti park and spread their anti-1% message all over the world from boston to portland to london to tokyo

to rome. of course in italy the 1% refers to the portion of the country that silvio berlusconi has not had sex with yet. (laughter) but most troubling of all is that the occupation has spread right here to my studio. look at this mob of young-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: selfishless ne'er-do-wells. nothing to do with their lives. willing to stand for hours on end, endure harsh treatment and overcrowding, all for the chance to yell at some poor guy in a suit. well, i say bring it on. (cheers and applause) folks, fair warning, fair warning, don't try to rush the desk. i am armed with pepper spray.

(laughter) folks, i'm not surprised there are a lot of angry people out there. america is stuck in a jobs crisis. it's gotten so bad that this weekend i drove by home depot and picked up a carpenter, a landscaper and a gastroenterologist. best $10 colonoscopy i ever had. gracias. (laughter) well, finally, folks, there was a simple way to get americans back to work and it is the subject of tonight's word. (cheers and applause) look out for the little guy. of course president obama thinks that spending tax dollars to rebuild roads and bridges will put people back to work. but folks, the republicans know that to put people back to work, you don't want to

build bridges and roads. you have to tear down some wallsness we have to reduce onerous regulations within we've got to get rid of a lot of these regulations. >> we'd love to see a moratorium on federal regulations which are coming out by the thousands, costing businesses billions and billions of jobs. >> stephen: of course billions and billions of jobs is ridiculous. so let's say just one billion. with 300 million americans, that's three and a third jobs for everyone. and regulations-- regulations have never created a single job. but lack of regulation creates plenty. case in point. the job creating proposal by republican florida state representative rich workman. obviously the man to create jobs, it's right there in his name, workman, not to mention, rich.

(laughter) workman has a bold regulation cutting solution to the job crisis. >> it's called dwarf tossing. florida outlaws this practice to help keep little people from getting hurt. but one florida lawmaker says the law should actually be repealed. >> whether you approve of dwarf tossing or not, florida shouldn't be telling little people what they can't do, accord-- according to state representative rich workman. >> stephen: yes, dwarf tossing. now i apologise if anyone's offended. i'm sure there is a more pc term. of course, dwarf tossing is the sport of kings wherein a little person puts on a helmet and is hurled by a frat guy hammered on yauinger shots into a soiled mattress. you know, full employment. of course the little people of america say that dwarf tossing can lead to

psychological dangers an paralysis. and hollywood has been lobbying against it for years. even representative workman agrees that dwarf tossing is wrong. >> i'm offended by t i get it, mi too. it has nothing to do with whether or not i think it's a cool thing to do. the reality is i think it's ridiculous. however, it's not the role of government to say it shouldn't be done. >> stephen: exactly. workman thinks it's offensive and ridiculous but it's not the government's place to regulate it. when jobs are at stake, that decision should be made by a more trusted group. bar owners who need a theme night to replace wings and boo b's wednesday. because ladies and gentlemen, florida's dwarf tossing ban is fog but a job killer. as workman told "the palm beach post", all that it does is prevent some dwarves

from getting jobs they would be happy to get in this economy. yes, dwarves would be happy to have these jobs. i'm sure the only reason peter dinklage is on game of thrones is because he couldn't get a good job being chucked at a wall. and-- i believe-- i believe that repealing this ban would be a massive job creator. just look at the projected growth. i say if someone is willing to do a job, no matter how dangerous, pointless or dehumanizing it is, the government has no business stopping them. i mean in this economy-- in this economy, folks, should we really be stopping people from holding gladiator bum fights or redhead rodeos, where cowboys on horseback lasso and hogtie gingers.

or should we really, with unemployment at 9.4%, ban baby juggling or albino paint ball hunting or eating sushi off the comatose. the point is, the economy today is bad. and if you are's not willing to toss tax dollars as a problem then the only thing left to toss is human dignity. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: welcome back, thank you very much. folks, thank you. nation, folks, they say it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. that's why i play every sport with a baseball bat. the other boxer never sees it coming. this is the sport report. (cheers and applause) folks, first up, the world

series. there will be one. which is more than i can say for the nba season. jim. >> owners and players are deadlocked in a labor dispute that failed to meet a deadline monday. the nba's first two weeks of games have now been cancelled. >> commissioner david stern id today his gut feeling is that they won't be playing basketball on christmas day. >> stephen: what? basketball on christmas is a tradition dating back to the birth of christ. when the wisemen found the babe in swaddling clothes and shot him out of a t-shirt canon. folks, you know, i do not see eye-to-eye with the players. in fact, i barely see eye to groin. these selfish hoop sters, they don't care about you. they are already making plans what they will do once they have ruined the season, from kobe bryant playing an exhi business game in italy to la bron james asking about the nfl's free agent

deadline, to sixers forward andre iguadala spending a week as an intern at merrill lynch. i believe his duties consisted mostly of 360 tomahawk photocopying. i will tell you who the real victims are. the nba owners. like my close personal friend dallas maverick's owner mark cuban. he's not allowed to comment on the lockout. as he made clear on my show. >> let's talk about the lockout. >> okay. >> okay. what is going to happen in the lockout. >> i can't talk about the lockout-- lockout. >> stephen: you just witnessed history, folks. the first time mark cuban has kept a thought to himself. well, mr. cuban-- (applause) >> stephen: mr. cuban may not be able to talk about the lockout but mr. colbert superpac can. last week-- last week we bought air time on dallas

wfaa channel 8 news, to air our new pac ad. jimmy, make the dynamite go boom. >> it's another sad day in america as the nba lockout grinds on, depriving millions of their favorite sport. meanwhile, the nba players will stop at nothing to get all -- >> the unemployment at an all-time high, the players are demanding more millions. but the nba owners are on your side. they're working hard to save the season. so americans don't have to watch hockey. nba owners are job creators who send our economy soaring, like these things. and heroes like mark kindan are the number one employer of our nation's tiny blimp pilots. the players have missed their job. so dahl your-- call your local sports radio show and

yell. we want our nba. >> americans-- responsible for the content of this advertising, made possible from a generous donation from colbert superpac. >> stephen: ha! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, stop. a powerful ad sure to bring this crisis to an end. except for one minor detail, wfaa did not run our ad. boo! >> stephen: i do not have moaned that better. well, are wfaa, you have [bleep] the wrong people. we are colbert superpac and our rage tonight is big and bright. >> deep in the heart of texas! >> stephen: nice. oh, and what is wfaa's excuse? according to the letter i received from their sales manager, quote, here's an

explanation of what happened, i can't explain why if happened. (laughter) >> stephen: i can. they're trying to silence you, nation. are you going to take it. >> no! >> stephen: wfaa, i call on you to air our ad tomorrow on a prime spot like good morning america, it will be a dose of hard truth between segments on keeping your pet happy and cocktails inspired by dancing with the stars. (laughter) >> stephen: because folks, this right here is clearly an elaborate, nefarious conspiracy by wff-- wfaa, unless! this is really an elaborate nefarious conspiracy by me! (laughter) think about it. think about it, folks. put it together. mark cuban comes on my show the same night my superpac gets an anonymous donor. then suddenly my superpac makes a tv commercial about

the nba lockout. that, were cuban paying for the ad, would violate nba commissioner david stern's gag order and remember, that's a basketball gag. (laughter) so the question is, the question is what did i know and when did i know it? and will david stern find mark cuban. well, folks, it's only one group that can get to the bottom of this. the crack news team of wfaa. i'm talking about anchor ron corning, greg fields on weather and alexa conomos on traffic. channel 8, dallas news ader has won seven peabody awards, two edward r. murrow awards and 20 regional emmy awards just last year alone. 20! five more and they get a free foot long. (laughter) basketball's in your court guys. we'll be right back.

>> stephen: thank you very much, well come back, everybody. my guest tonight is a musical legend whose new book is called my song. which is great because i have a song called my book. please welcome harry belafonte. (cheers and applause) lovely to meet you.

what a pleasure to you have on. >> what a pleasure to be on, at least, to be on stephen colbert. i can't believe it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: would you like a moment to drink me in. >> yes. >> stephen: now you're an artist and an activist. your 1956 album call insurance so made you the first-- calypso made you the first art tois sell over a million albums. you have a tony, emmy, national medal of the arts, you were an advisor to the peace corporate, a unicef goodwill ambassador leader of the civil rights and anti-appear die died-- anti-apartheid movements and your new book is called harry belafonte, my song. (cheers and applause) first of all, can we get a shot of that. who-- i got to know, who is your lighting guy because i want him to follow me around wherever i go. that is a fantastic look.

you knew everybody. like this book is full of stories of you and martin luther king, sinatra, jfk, railroad rfk. how did you have your fingers in so many other pies? how -- what was your connection to all these people? >> i just had a great lust for life and lust for what was going on in america. and just wanted very much to be involved in where the times were going. >> you are a muss ig, though, why was a musician involved in so much activism. shouldn't you just be singing the banana boat songs. which by the way is one of the finest banana counting songs ever. >> i must tell you that that song has an awful lot to do with the events of the day.

>> stephen: really. >> yeah, if you stop and you really listen to the lyrics of the banana boat song, it is a work song, about people doing grueling work on a plantation. >> exactly. and to turn that into an anthem that people would be singing, especially at new york yankee games. you ever go to a yankee game. >> stephen: i have, yeah. >> well, every now and then you here day-o. and the whole stadium goes up in a big day-oh shout. >> stephen: did you get a piece of that. do you get a little piece of that, when that happens? no? that's the real injustice, my friend. >> now you know why i'm here. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you used your banana counting fame and your desire to make the world a better place to help

with the civil rights movement. you helped organize the march on washington, which i was at, actually. i was at that, in my mother's womb. she was pregnant with me. >> you haven't changed a bit. >> stephen: oh, back then, i had your hair. now why use fame for social change? why not just be rich and lusted after? that's what i do why, why would you be motivated. >> well, i that option. and when i looked at it and tried to be reasonable about what to do, with so much power, with some of adulation w so much profile, i thought that the community from which i came would be better served if i would focus a light on what happens to people who are not quite as fortunate as we are. and that i had a responsibility to reach into

that misfortune and try to make a difference. >> stephen: do you still sing. >> yes, on occasion. >> stephen: on occasion? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: where the nights are gay ♪ ♪ and the sunshines daily on the mountaintop ♪ ♪ i took a trip on a sailing ship ♪ ♪ and when i reached jamaica ♪ i made a stop ♪ now i'm sad to say ♪ i'm on my way ♪ won't be back for many a day ♪ ♪ my heart is down ♪ my head is turning around ♪ ♪ i had to leave my little girl in kingstontown ♪ (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: i'm afraid we have to leave our little talk right here. harry belafonte. his book is "my song" (cheers and applause) we'll be right back.