captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: sorry, hold on one second. hold on. write the show. (laughter) >> what would you like to

search? >> stephen: i don't want to search for anything. i want to write the show. >> searching the web for "search for anything i want to write the show." (laughter) >> stephen: sorry, folks, i was just talking to my new iphone 4s. it's got voice recognition technology that answers any question. it's really cool and i've been playing with it all day so i lost track of time and don't have anything for tonight's show. (laughter) hold on one second. okay, all right. hold on, come on. come on, baby. come on. what am i talking about tonight? >> no comment. (laughter) >> stephen: for the love of god! the cameras are on. give me something! >> what kind of stores are you looking for? camera stores or churches? (laughter)

>> stephen: (bleep) you. (cheers and applause) >> i wish that i could. (laughter) >> stephen: moving on. you know what? let's just free ball it, jimmy. just whip up some graphics as i talk and i'll come up with something. nation, thanks to the lockout, there might not be a basketball season this year. but if you want to watch millionaires throwing elbows, there's still the republican presidential race. (laughter) and, folks, it is action-packed. first, bachmann was up; then she was down. then perry was up; then he was down. then jon huntsman also existed. (laughter) so many characters, so many twists. (laughter) it's like a mexican telenovella that wants to deport itself. and just like any telenovella, watch out for el dios padre dell

pizza. >> herman cain is now the republican front-runner for president according to the latest national poll. >> herman cain has surged the lead in the race for the republican presidential nomination. >> take a quick look at this nbc/"wall street journal" poll. it shows herman cain is on top at 27%. >> stephen: that's right. herman cain is ahead with 27%. as opposed to newt gingrich who is 27% head. (laughter) now folks, there are many reasons why cain is surging. like his great grasp of foreign policy. >> i'm ready for the gotcha questions and when they ask me who's the question of uzbek, stan i'm going to say "i don't know, 40 dough know? how's that going to create one job. >> stephen: it won't create one job because they'll all been outstored to uzbeky-stan-stan land. and i hope herman cain did not

offend their president chop-a-lop-a. (laughter) seen here with chinese premier ching chong ding-dong. and then, of course, there is cain's famous 999 economic plan. everybody's talking about it. >> 9999% corporate business flat tax, 9% personal income flas tax and 9% national sales tax. >> 999. >> 999. >> 999. >> 999. >> nein nein! nein! (cheers and applause) folks, all cain is saying is hitler had some good ideas. (laughter) tax policy. of course now that cain's in the lead, the lame stream gangrene mr. clean martin sheen media has been jumping on him over these remarks he made in tennessee over the weekend.

>> let's have a real fence! 20 feet high with barbed wire. electrified. (cheers and applause) with a sign from the other side that says "it can kill you." then i get criticized mr. cain, that's insensitive. what do you mean insensitive? >> stephen: yeah! what do you mean insensitive? but if it will make you feel better, we'll generate the lethal voltage with wind power. is that sensitive enough. besides, cain didn't even mean it. as he explained on press mcgregory. >> on immigration you said? an event in tennessee you would build an electrified fence on the boarder that could kill people if they try to cross illegally. >> that's a joke. >> it's a joke? >> that was a joke. >> that's not a serious question? >> that's not a serious plan. >> you got a big laugh out of that. >> it's a joke. >> stephen: electrified fence, classic joke. (laughter) like "who's on first? what's on fire? i don't know how many people

it's killed." (laughter) but the real punch line, the real punch line to the joke is that it's not a joke. as cain clarifyed in phoenix the next day. >> it might be electrified. i'm not walking away from that. in the context of that speech, in terms of what we need to do i fully intend to do so. >> stephen: yes, you see, he's joking unless you're into the idea. (laughter) in which case he means it. it's like when you say to your girlfriend "hey, your old college friend donna is crazy and so much fun, swreshd a three-way." (laughter) "i was joking! why would we do that? stop crying! hey, i know what would cheer you up. how about we do some coke like we used to do back in the day! it's a joke! i don't want to do cocaine! unless maybe donna has some." (laughter)

anyway... anyway, today the colbert superpac officially endorsed herman cain for president! ... unless you're not into him in which case i'm just joking. (laughter) we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you, nation. i'm a member of the clean plate club and i'm proud to announce we are now letting in jews. (laughter) this is thought for food. folks, once again the food police are on the attack. first they came for our sugared cereal and i said nothing. then they came for our trans fats and i said nothing. (laughter) then they came for our salt and again i said nothing because my mouth was jammed with frito's. (laughter) well now, now they're coming for

our tots-- both human and tater. jim? >> potato may be getting the boot from national school lunch programs. new federal guidelines look to eliminate potatoes from breakfast and limit them pretty severely at lunchtime. >> stephen: no potatos? why? because they're irish? (laughter) what's next? limiting the availability of shamrock shakes to just st. patrick's day? (laughter) what? you racist! (laughter) you see, the food fashionists at the u.s.d.a. believe that focusing more on fruits, vegetables, and whole grains will help solve childhood obesity. that's ridiculous. childhood obesity will take care of itself when it becomes adult obesity. (laughter) but this isn't just an attack on our bellies, folks, it is an attack on the american school lunch tradition of a tray full of fried tater tots.

you don't let our children snack on that delicious golden brown starch bomb you're taking away the small shred of happiness in the otherwise non-stop hell parade that is being a middle schoolboy. (laughter) a boy going through an awkward stage where his nose and teeth grew full speed while the rest of his head still belongs to a nine-year-old. and everyday jeffrey ozer walks into home room and pours toilet water into his backpack then spends the rest of the day call him toilet boy and even sweet beautiful colleen allen can't help but join in even if this boy knows in his heart they're meant to be together and all that pain goes away from the spud-induced torpor that is a stomach full of fried potato! it is more than food! it is more than food! it is kid xanax. a hug he gets from the inside! a graeg grease-soaked hammer he used to pound his emotions down, down, down until they're buried even deeper than the potato that

soothed him! those feelings lay dormant until 10th grade until jeffrey ozer flicks one too many rubber bands in his ear but this time the boy is fully grown and he slams jeffrey's head over and over into a locker until he has to be dragged away from the girl's switch coach! because who's the toilet boy now jeffrey? who's the toilet boy now? (cheers and applause) it's all right, yore ida. next up, stutd dees show that a record one in seven americans receive food stamps and they are suffering, folks, because

government regulations prohibit food stamps from being used at fast food restaurants. where are they supposed to go, the grocery snore that's unsanitary. a lot of that food was recently on the ground! but thankfully, yum foods is taking court action. the restaurant conglomerate which includes taco bell, k.f.c. long john silver's and pizza hut is applying for inclusion in the food stamp program. but congratulations, poor people you're on the yum foods gravy train. warning: gravy train may contain no actual gravy. (laughter) now, of course, the nutri nazis at the gastrostapo argue that these diets cause unfortunate health outcomes and poor nutrition but folks i say this is discrimination. these are food stamps! so the government is saying these aren't food.

(laughter) well, i'm sorry, folks, but taco bell is a sponsor and goddamnit, if they say they serve foodly take them at their word! i don't care if that gets me hate mail. i don't care if that costs me another emmy. you can cite your scientific studies and quote your religious leaders. i don't care what the f.d.a. says. taco bell is food. i have been to the mountain top and there was a taco bell there and i ate some because it is possible to do so! in fact, i will now prove it. i will now prove it by ingesting this delicious taco bell nacho cheese gordita. (laughter) mmm! food! it had better be because it is in any mouth. (laughter) we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest has a new book call "the better angels of our nature: why violence has declined." man, i'd really love to see two angels fighting. (laughter) please welcome steven pinker. (cheers and applause)

nice to have you. all right, sir, welcome back, this is your third trip to the rodeo. (laughter) just because i've invited you back twice doesn't mean i'm impressed with your c.v., okay? you're a harvard elite, are you not? >> indeed. >> stephen: okay, so you've got a new book. it is called "better angels of our nature: why violence has declined." what do you mean violence has declined? there's violence everyday. turn on "real housewives." (laughter) >> yes, but there used to be more. believe it or not, violence has been in decline for thousands of years. we may be living in the most peaceful era in our species' existence. >> stephen: really. we should paint that on some of our bombs. (laughter) >> well, violence hasn't gone down to zero but it has definitely gone down. prehistoric tribes killed each other at a rate of about 15%.

during the kingdoms it went down to 3%. today it's much less than a percentage point. there are more people being killed but an awful lot more not being killed. >> stephen: it's gone down to less than a percentage point? we kill less than a percent of each other? >> that's right. >> stephen: so we're supposed to hit like seven billion by halloween? seven billion people on earth by halloween. so how many of each other will we kill about? >> every year? >> stephen: yeah. >> in the tens of thousands. >> stephen: that's it? there are 10,000 handgun deaths in the united states every year. >> oh, i'm sorry. i'm talking about in warfare. many more people are killed by... in homicides than in warfare. >> stephen: so you're taking homicide out of this? >> well, you have to consider them separately. but homicide has down by a about a factor of 35 since the middle ages. so in the middle ages he was 35 times more likely to be murdered than you are today. >> stephen: well, they don't tell you that when you go to medieval times. (laughter)

now, when do you say, like, modern not killing each other started? like the golden age of not killing each other? >> it might be now. >> stephen: really? >> in statistical terms. >> stephen: quote you use to title your book is "the better angels of our nature." that's lincoln from the second inaugural address. that's right toward the end of the bloodiest war in u.s. hirstry and right before he got shot in the head. (laughter) isn't that the most ironic hopeful statement ever made? (laughter) >> well, he did not live to see many of the declines of violence that today we're enjoying. i borrowed that phrase to refer to the parts of human nature that helped drive violence down. now, we do have inner demons, we have a lot of motives that can erupt any time. newspaper right. i'm fighting the urge to punch you right now. (laughter) >> but the frontal lobes of your brain are exercising self-control which is why you're not doing it.

>> stephen: i've also had a lot of tater tots. i'm feeling kind of lazy right now. let me say, okay, stalin killed 20 million people. mao killed 70 million people. hitler racked up, you know, six million jews alone and then like a cluster of millions of everybody else he didn't care for. plus all the stuff on the battlefields. so how can you say that this is a peaceful sten which you arely. >> >> two thing. someone that a century lasts for a hundred years, not just 50. >> stephen: don't patronize me. (laughter) >> and the last 55 years of the 20th century had unusually low rates of death and warfare. so after that spike of war between 1914 and 1918 and '39 to '45, the rate of killing and war went down. it was a part of an escalating trend which is what everyone predicted at the time. everyone thought well world war i seven and a half million, world war ii maybe 15 million on the battlefield. world war iii is going to be even worse but it didn't turn out that way.

first the powerful great powers and the developed states stop going to war with each other and more recently that led to the rest of the world. if you look at death and warfare since world war ii it's a bumpy downhill decline and in the last few years as a proportion of the world's population we're at an all time low since the second world war. >> stephen: so we may be killing more people but as a proportion of the world's population it's less. >> more and more people are not being killed, they're diagnose of natural causes. >> so if you kill a million people in a count write two million people, that's... that's pretty bad. but if you kill a million people but there are 40 million people in the country, that's progress. (laughter) statistically. >> yes. >> stephen: because human life has suffered from inflation. (laughter) thank you so much for coming. i hope no one kills you violently. thank you so much. steven pinker the better angels

of our nature. we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, tonight is the six-year anniversary of "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) i know it is hard to believe because it was actually last night. and as part of this year's anniversary celebration, the chelsea market at 9th avenue and 15th street here in new york is staging an art exhibition of behind-the-scenes photography from the first six years of "the colbert report." but don't worry, all the nudes are tasteful. (laughter) again, my apologies to doris kearns goodwin. all of these rare photographs are for sale with proceeds going to benefit donors choose which supports projects in public schools across america.

of course there's only one gallery i attend because every year it's got my newport rate. and because it serves free wine. so... (applause) without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, my portrait for year seven. (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, aren't i beautiful? this year i'm portrayed holding the s.e.c. ruling that allowed me to form colbert superpac and become a washington power player. how big a player? let's just say i'm not legally required to disclose that information. (laughter) all thanks to the supreme court's ruling that money equals free speech and as you can see

you have given me so much freedom it is spilling out of my sleeves. thanks for six great years, everybody. i want to thank everybody on the crew, all my writers, nerve production, everybody at the network, but especially you the audience. your loyalty and your support means everything to me but not as much as your money does. (laughter) so here's to six more. good night! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [applause] thanks for coming out. thanks for watching. love, peace, and hair grease. [applause] hey, liz. me, lutz, toofer, and josh are gonna go to that bar where the waiters are dressed like ninjas.