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>> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight a new source of revenue for the airline industry, now only first class gets to land. then shocking reports out of afghanistan, also tons of heroin. and my guest, coldplay have a new album called "milo he dilato" if you say it backwards they return to their home dimension. anti-depressant uses up 400% since 1988. sun should do something about that but god it just seems so impossible. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause)

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. mwah! mw wah! welcome to the report, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. please, thank you for join joining us. nation, nation, by now you've all heard the big news, coldplay is here. (cheers and applause) speaking of colds, there's also big news out of libya, jimmy? make the tv speak. >> a u.s. government official now says that libya's leaders have

informed us that qaddafi is indeed dead. he's dead, okay, got t it's official, that's from a u.s. official, he is dead, muerte, gone. >> stephen: yes, qaddafi is dead, muerte, murto, add cross, sayonara, aloha. the good-bye one. (laughter) >> stephen: this morning rebels seized control of the qaddafi stronghold of sirte where they captured and killed qaddafi ending his brutal 42 year reign. now in hindsight it may have been a mistake for him to hire bodyguards based on their hotness. (laughter) >> stephen: now folks, i can understand why everybody is celebrating. but personally, i have mixed feelings. moammar was a friend of the show. the guy was one of a kind, part madman, part fashion icon, part comic genius. he made us laugh. he made us cry. about the things that made him laugh. (laughter)

like losing eaves st-laurent, george burns and pol pot all on the same day. george burns, of course, a homicidal maniac. now qaddafi's death was difficult to confirm since every living picture of him could be confused for a death photo. (laughter) but here's how it went down. >> libyan officials are saying that qaddafi was hiding in some sort of hole or tunnel network, that he was pulled from this hole/tunnel network alive and that he was killed by the rebels. >> stephen: now if you recall, they pulled saddam out of a hole. evidently, to totalitarian deck taters are a knock turnl bureauing species. of course who can forget about the time jack hanna brought kim jong il on leno. nation, i say we need to stay vigilant here. qaddafi was a g, maybe gone,

but we still have not captured qaddafi, gastafi and hand ca. folks, i am especially-- (applause) folks, i am especially excited this war is over because it means we get to pick the next war! i wonder who it's going to be. if we follow our standard war predictor, it's whoever we were propping up ten years ago. so start digging your spider hole, tony blair-- (laughter) nation, it's not my job to tell you what to think. it's more of a hobby. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up, folks, it is no secret that barack obama is destroying this country single-handedly. and i'm pretty sure the other hand is doing something gay to your gun. the good news is, according to rasmussen f the election were held today barack obama

would lose to herman cain. between now and next november, the only thing that could go wrong is if something goes right. that's why i'm giving a big tip of my hat to the tea party nation. on tuesday the four for-profit grass roots group e-mailed all 30,000 of its members asking them to take the following pledge. i, an american small-business owner, part of the class that produces the vast majority of real wealth-producing jobs in this country, hereby resolve that i will not hire a single person until this war against business and my country is stopped. (laughter) amen. folks, with americans hurting, something must be done. that that something, nothing. (laughter) but sad sadly, nothing may not be enough. to ensure obama's defeat i call on all americans, not only not to hire each other, but to actively drive the economy off a cliff where it

will plunge down to the canyon floor of liberty. (laughter) they'll say oh but steven, this is my business. i want it to do well. and i may have to hire people. well, stop being so selfish. we're talking about the future of this country, success is not an option. americans have always achieved greatness by working together and now we must unite again, to ensure a brighter tomorrow by working together to ensure a shittier today. (laughter) finally-- (cheers and applause) finally, folks, i love air travel, i book flights all the time. especially when i forget to tivo reruns of the big bang theory. that round trip to automaticland caught me up on seasons two and three. and i am always excited by the latest cost-saving measures of our flying people tubes. from cutting in-flight meals to removing bathrooms to

being-- i don't know how they get that bus off the ground. well tonight i'm giving a tip of my hat to spirit airlines for creating a new revenue stream. for $14 million a company can advertise for a year on the exterior of every spirit airlines jet. they're turning jets it into flying billboards. and timely reached coveted demographic of 18 to 34-year-old male december. (laughter) now folks i'm happy to report the add-vertunities do not send end there because spirits is selling ad space on overhead bins, tray tables and air sickness bag. that is genius. now when passengers vomit, they'll be reminded of sin a bun twice. -- cinna bun twice. but i say why top there. why not replace the pilot and copilots with captain

morgan and captain crunch. part of a complete breakfast. (laughter) and folks, when the cabin loses pressure, just drop an ad for the oxygen network. remember, market to yourself first before marketing to your children. (laughter) and why limit the nonstop ads to planes. isn't it time that tsa agents used the hamburger helper hand to conduct cavity searches? relax, it's only three fingers. and he's so happy about it. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> welcome back, everybody, thank you very much. nation, with the war in afghanistan stretching into its 11th year, it can be easy to forget to thank the people working so hard to protect our country. i'm talking, of course, about bill o'reilly. for years papa bear has been supporting our troops by sending them what they most desperately need on the battlefield, his book. (laughter) >> jim.

>> we've begun our books for the troops program, if you buy a copy, my publisher harper collins will send a copy to the troops also donate a buck to the wounded warriors foundation for each bock sold. i will match it, so everybody whens unless you hate the bock and i don't think you will but let me know if you do. >> stephen: i don't know why they would. it is a perfect gift for these warriors. i know reading his boxes always make me want to kill somebody. (laughter) so folks, i was shocked to the core to see this photo, anonymously posted on-line by a soldier serving in afghanistan, of a big pile of the book being burned with the captain, some jerk sent us two boxes of this awful book instead of anything soldiers in remote outposts in afghanistan might need like say food or soap. (applause) yeah, that got me clapping with anger too.

first of all, soldier, there are plenty of ways papa bear's books can be useful on the front line. you can use them as sandbags, or as armour for a humvee, or you know, you guys always need toilet paper. i am sure bill would be honored. now once this photo went viral the soldier claims he was not burning the books for political reasons but because we don't have a post office here, so sending them back wasn't an option. all waste is burned on the base. i won't say i didn't take pleasure in removing a few copies of this bigoted twerp's writing from circulation but the reason from doing so was a military necessity. (applause) so let me get this straight. your excuse was i was just following orders. where have i heard that before. that's why it's time for my long-running segment, pinheads and patriots.

(cheers and applause) tonight's patriot bill o'reilly for sending our troops his book. tonight's pinhead, whoever did this. how dare you, sir. you sit there thousands of miles from the front lines of punditry, lobbing your criticisms from the safety of your forward operating base, attacking a hero who gets up every day, puts on this uniform, and heads into basic cable hell. all out of love of country and a lucrative broadcasting contract. it just makes me sick to see troops like you use pundits as a tool to push your own political agenda. well i'm sorry, but you, sir, are a pinhead who i unquestionably support. thank you for your service. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so. my guest tonight is lead singer for the grammy magnet rockers coldplay whose new album is called milo xlitoe which i believe is creek for myly cyrus. please welcome chris martin. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. hey, chris, nice to meet you. sit down there, buddy. all right. >> it's an honor to be here. >> stephen: well, i understand that. now it's kind of a meeting of the minds. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: you are a seven time grammy winner, i am a

one-time grammy winner. >> i remember. >> stephen: yeah, so between us we average four grammys. >> it's true. >> stephen: right? right? >> the importance of your grammy is more than the weight of ourselve en. >> stephen: you know what, i'm not going to fight you. (laughter) all right. now sir, can i get mad at you for a second. >> please, go ahead. >> stephen: all right, you're not an american, are you. >> no, sir. >> stephen: you're not an american, okay. you come to our country. you took our gwyneth. >> i did. you cannot begin to tell me that that is not a job an american wanted to do, okay. she so give us keira knightley and we'll call it even. let's talk about the music. you sold over 50 million albums. >> no, not the million, just the 50. >> jon: . >> stephen: just 50, that's this year, that's this year, 50. >> a-- how do you sell that many albums and win seven grammys and still be considered alternative. (laughter) that's a neat trick.

>> by not looking at handsome as, you know, ricky martin. >> stephen: he's a good looking guy that ricky martin. chris martin, ricky martin, i don't mix you up. on paper, it's very easy. >> i know. >> stephen: in person, hey, listen, coy get lost in those blue eyes. i understand. i understand why ms. paltrow fell for you. now we had radiohead on here. >> yes, i know. >> stephen: a couple weeks ago. did a full hour with them. and people say that your influenced by radiohead. >> yes. >> stephen: but i don't see it. >> we are not as good musically but much more attractive. >> stephen: yes, very much. you have seen how your stance, this kind of thing, like that. we were worried about him. >> yes, we all in britain have this kind of wriggling dance. >> stephen: herky-jerky quality. >> we are taught it in school and it works pretty well for us. >> stephen: now you have a

real rival with u, you have a little rivalry going on, don't you. >> no. >> stephen: yeah, you do. >> my voice went up, so yeah. >> stephen: really? >> i don't-- . >> stephen: are you lying to me. >> in a way. (laughter) >> in a way i am. >> stephen: who is going to be the global band of the future, you or u2. >> the jonas brothers. >> stephen: i see it. i completely see it. the name of the new album is-- where did you get that name. >> we took it from the randomness of the universities universe. (laughter) >> stephen: are you high? (laughter) >> i'm 17% high. >> stephen: wow, you've got good control. >> i do. >> stephen: are you guys going to do a song for us? you don't have to. you don't have to. >> okay, we will. >> stephen: i'm not going to twist your arm-- no, no, he blew it.

(laughter) no, no, i'm not going to beg. please do a song. (cheers and applause) chris martin, thank you so much. >> thank you, sir. may i ask what your grammy was for. >> stephen: my grammy? >> yes, sir. >> stephen: it was for best christmas album. >> oh. >> stephen: are you work on a christmas album. >> yes, but it won't be as good as yours. >> stephen: no? >> no, it will be much better. (applause) >> stephen: well [bleep]. chris martin, we'll be right back with a performance by cold play.

>> here to perform paradise off their new album. coldplay. ♪ ♪ ♪ when she was a girl she expected the world ♪ ♪ but it flew away from her reach so ♪ ♪ she ran away in her sleep ♪ ♪ and dreamed of

para-para-paradise ♪ ♪ par v-para-paradise ♪ para-para-paradise ♪ every time she closed her eyes ♪ ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪ when she was just a girl ♪ she expected the world ♪ but it flew away from her reach ♪ ♪ and the bullets catch in her teeth ♪ ♪ life goes on, it gets so heavy ♪ ♪ the wheel break the butterfly ♪ ♪ every tear a waterfall ♪ in the night the stormy night ♪ ♪ she'll close her eyes ♪ in the night ♪ the stormy night away

she'd fly ♪ ♪ and dreams of para-par para-para-paradise ♪ ♪ para-para-paradise ♪ para-para-paradise ♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪ she'd dream of para-para-paradise ♪ ♪ para-para-paradise ♪ para-para-paradise ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪ oh oh oh oh oh ♪ la-lan-lan-la-lan ♪ and so lying underneath ♪ those stormy skies ♪ she'd say oh, oh oh oh oh

i know the sun must set to rise ♪ ♪ this could be para-para-paradise ♪ ♪ para-para-paradise ♪ this could be para-para-paradise ♪ ♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪ this could be par para-para-paradise ♪ ♪ para-para-paradise ♪ this could be para-para v-paradise ♪ ♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪ it could be para-para-paradise ♪ ♪ para-para-paradise ♪ para-para-paradise ♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh