comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new immigration law has unintended consequences. you can now be deported for taco tuesday. [laughter] then halloween horror. this year someone is handing out crazens. and my guest taylor brant says

college athletes deserve to be paid. why? they're just going to blow it on something frivolous like student lobe debt. it's the tenth anniversary of the patriot act. but what do you get for the government that knows everything? this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much.

[audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: yeah. not bad. thank you very much. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. please. sit down. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, everybody knows i'm an animal lover. beef, pork, poultry, even fish. i am incensed every time peta speaks for the animals. they can speak for themselves. evidently all they care about is cereal and insurance. [laughter] and now, folks, peta is speaking for the whales. >> talk about controversy, do killer whales have rights under the u.s. constitution?

peta, the people for the ethical treatment of animals, planning to file a lawsuit today saying that animal performers like these horses are essentially slaves. steep -- >> stephen: really? how many slaves got to hang out all day at a water park? peta is wresting their case on the claim that the 13th amendment, while prohibiting slavery and involuntary servitude, does not specify only humans can be victims. it's what legal scholars refer to as the "air bud defense" because evidently there is nothing in the rule book that says whales can't be a slave, oh, slave bud. disney, call me. [laughter] peta's lawsuit is frivolous,

folks, and cnn turned to "colbert report" legal analyst jeffrey to tuben for some insigt into whether the court will apply the fifth amendment in this case. >> if there is one court or one judge in the united states who thinks it applies to anything other than people, i would be very surprised. i mean, it is implicit that it only applies to people. >> stephen: exactly, and whales aren't people. no court will say otherwise. however, corporations like seaworld are people. the supreme court says so. and as people, we have to treat corp rations with care and respect and not cage them with ethical treatment of animals. we must let sea world live the

way god intended a marine amusement park complex to live, in its natural state, where it's free to put a hat on a dolphin, train a walrus to play didgeri-doo or teach sea lions to dance to thriller. ♪ this is thriller a fitting tribute considering that by the end i believe michael jackson had flippers. [audience reacts] i know. it's sad. i'm just as sad... i'm just as sad as you are. [laughter] folks, i love tomatoes. they're the most delicious food that you can throw at a crossing guard.

i'm a big boy andly cross where i want. tomatoes and their east coast variant tomatoes are also a key part of the classic american sandwich the blt, an i am not saying that because this show is underwritten by the blt council, but to be clear, the club sandwich is a lightly toasted, unholy three-way whose simple triple-decker existence threatens the sanctity of traditional sandwich. read your bible, folks. god ordained that lunch should be between two slices of bread, no exceptions. leviticus 2018. and that is not the only threat to the american way of lunch because thanks to illegals, our country's tomato industry is plumb screwed. >> in the heart of tomato

country, hispanic workers and their families are working off the job and leaving the state in fear. >> these farmers in alabama say they're facing a crisis. their fruits and vegetables are rotting in the fields because there aren't enough farm workers. >> farmers are reportedly short-handed because illegal immigrants have fled the state's toughest in the nation immigration laws. >> stephen: yes, hispanic farm workers have fled alabama, stealing yet another thing americans would like to do, and all just because... [laughter] just because the state passed the alabama... [cheering and applause] alabama, folks, and it's all just because the state passed an immigration bill that requires police to check papers during routine traffic stops and makes

it a crime to knowingly transport, harbor or rent property to illegal immigrants. oh, boo-hoo, amigos. grow a pair of whatever the mexican word is for ca hoe nays. all alabama was trying to do was free up these farm jobs that los illegals are taking from americans, but there has been a small hiccup in this otherwise flawless plan. jim? >> we tried different ways. we tried to get american people, you know, but they come one day and they quit. >> it's not that easy. >> they can't cut it. they can't take the hours, and honestly, they can't take the heat. >> the americans aren't going to get out in the heat and work. they're not going to bend their back all day long and they're not going to work and they're

not as hard workers as the spanish. >> stephen: turns out different ethnicitys have different innate gifts. hispanics are good at hard labor. asians are good at calculus and americans are good at generalizing about what other people are good at. [applause] folks, no one could have predicted this would happen. except me. [laughter] last year in my critically acclaimed testimony before congress, i shared my vast one-day experience working as a field hand. [laughter] >> it is really, really hard. for one thing when you're picking bean, you have to spend all day bending over. it turns out, and i do not know this, most soil is at ground level. if we can put man on the moon,

why can't we make the earth waist high. come on, where is the funding? this brief experience gave me some small understanding of why so few americans are clamoring to begin an exciting career as seasonal migrant field worker. now, i'm not the kind of guy who says "i toll you so." i'm the kind of guy who makes it a banner. [cheering and applause] of course, liberals out there are gloating that alabama is just reaping what it sewed. wrong. because there are no immigrants

left to reap it. fortunately alabama has come up with a 21st century solution, chain gangs, because alabama farmers are being offered inmates to help pick produce before it rots. now instead of having our food tainted by illegal aliens, it will be harvested by perfectly legal criminals. this plan works perfectly in georgia, other than the working part. jim? >> georgia's agricultural commissioner will tell congress his state's tough new immigration law has left farmers short 11,000 workers. and instead of jobless americans, some of the new workers are prisoners and ex-cons who farmers say don't work as fast as immigrants. >> turns out americans who have chosen a life of crime don't

have quite the same work ethic as guatemalaen who have walked through 500 miles of desert to feed their children. [applause] so it appears... it appears that alabama is in a bit of a bind. republican state rep jeremy oden knows who is to blame for the problem caused by his legislation. jim? >> look, we need a federal program, a may granted program that we can apply in our state and give these skilled laborers to stay and help these people out. >> stephen: yes, the federal government must fix this problem by sealing the state borders. i say deploy the f.b.i., the national guard, the president's council on physical fitness. everybody get them to alabama to

arrest whatever immigrants are left and throw their asses in jail. then we can force them to pick our crops as prison labor. they're so good at it. because to preserve our precious blts, we must do whatever it takes other than offer these people any rights. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] look! here she comes!

♪ she'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes... ♪ ♪ when she comes. ♪ it'll be spinning new chrome wheels when it comes. ♪ ♪ when it comes. ♪ custom spoiler, race grade pistons, ♪ ♪ gt35 turbo charger. ♪ and they'll all know that it's kevin's awesome car. ♪ bought em! ( clears throat ) sorry. when it's on your mind, it's on ebay.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. listen folks, ever since i was a kid, i have loved halloween. it's the most exciting night of the year, especially if you have a nut allergy. i often went as rapidly swelling boy. sadly, some out there aren't sweet on this sugar fest. this is the war on halloween. [laughter] folks, once again the planet huggers are turning our almond joy into almond shame. >> there's a new trend taking the nation by storm. it's called "costume swapping day." >> the idea is to keep things

from the landfill. instead of actually buying a costume, why don't you just take them over to a location and swap with some people. >> costume swapping? i'm sorry, but i don't want my kid wearing some old, flammable, plastic deathtrap. i want them wearing a new, flammable plastic deathtrap. this is political correctness gone mad. before you know it we'll need to buy carbon offsets to leave a flaming bag of poop on a doorstep. environmentalism goes against everything halloween stands for. rampant consumerism and waste. it's like clear cutting a forest, pulping the trees into lush three-ply toilet paper, shipping the rolls on diesel trucks to air conditioned grocery stores where we buy them, and as a heartless final insult hurl them at their still-living cousins.

the point is... halloween is fun. it's not about being responsible. that's why we send our kids alone off into the night to solicit complete strangers for food. but there are luckily some hallow winners out there, adding a new twist to this old holiday. >> halloween is less than two weeks away, and a christian group in texas is promoting a faith-based alternative to the usual sexy costumes we've seen, evil some bees and other ungodly characters as we saw them. their alternative is something called jesus weans. the group is asking christians to dress in white and hand out bibles instead of candy. >> that is the spirit of halloween. because dressing in white and handing out bibles, be sure to

make your house the creepiest one on the block. [cheering and applause] but, kids, kids, remember, when you bring home your bag of bibles, let your parents check them for razor blades. or worse, dianetics. but as much as i love jesus wean, this group has pitched it as an alternative to halloween. why? jesus and halloween go together like jesus and peanut butter. you got your spooky in my christ. you got your christ in my spooky. think about it. jesus rose from the dead. he's the original zombie. except you eat his body. it's true. therefore it is not offensive.

[laughter] to no letters please. so go out this year and celebrate jesus-ween. we'll know it's caught on when we start seeing the sexy jesus costume. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [cheering and applause]

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight says the ncaa should share profits with college athlete. he is wrong. please welcome taylor branch. [cheering and applause]

thank you very much. thank you so much for joining me, sir. okay. sir, let's get this out here. you are the pulitzer prize winning historian and authorment some of the great books on the civil rights era. now you have a new book. it is available as an e book. i got it right here in my i.book library. okay. it is called the cartel. all right. what is "the cartel." >> the cartel is the ncaa, which without benefit of government sanction or law has gotten together all the colleges, the 1,000 college and universities in an agreement to keep all the money away from the college athletes who actually do the work. >> stephen: but they are amateurs, and amateurs, as we

know, don't get paid. okay. they just... the college athletes should just think of, you know, playing football as an internship with concussions. okay? >> i think a lot of them do think of it that way, and, of course, it's not right. it is like a plantation. they're not... >> stephen: wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. a plantation? >> not a south carolina plantation, a nationwide plantation. >> stephen: well, even worse. i mean... so you say they're being treat like slaves? >> they generate billions of dollars in income, but they are deprived of any participation in it so that the dull, the coach, the football schools, the administrators and the companies can take all the money. >> stephen: but you realize

that plantations had slaves. are you saying they're being treated as slaves? >> i'm saying that we don't deal with... >> come on, grow a pair. are they being treated as slaves? >> yes. >> stephen: okay. sir, do you realize that peta says that whales are being treated as slaves. all right. are you calling these athletes animals? because that is racist of you, sir. [cheering and applause] >> whales can't return a kickoff or catch pass. >> oh, oh, they can train those whales to do just about anything. i certainly wouldn't want to be sacked by sham knew. >> i can see that. >> stephen: so why should the

players get any money because they are getting something of value. for playing they are getting a tuition. and last time i checked, that's a whole lot of green it takes to go to college. >> it's something, but that's like saying to you that you shouldn't be paid because you have health insurance. you don't deserve a salary. these athletes generate billions of dollars, not just million, billions of dollars of income that these schools then take and scramble and fight over and all the adults think that they earned it as though they did the work themselves. >> stephen: but they did do the work. they created the opportunity. they're job creators. they just happen to be jobs that don't pay anything. >> that's right. [laughter]

you can create more jobs when they don't pay anything because they don't cost you. it's an amazing, ingenious business plan. >> stephen: so what's the answer? >> the answer is to bring them to the table to, let them bargain. >> stephen: college kids? >> yes. >> stephen: let them collectively bargain. >> not collectively, on their own. they're the same age as the kids fighting in iraq and afghanistan. they're adults. they deserve the same rights as any other worker in the united states. >> stephen: then they'll take all the money, and then the universities won't have money to create jolships for music majors. okay. because right now once again the jocks are doing it for the nerds. they're bringing in all the cash so the nerds can get a date. >> actually the way it works is none of the money goes into the academics. the athletic departments use up

all of their money. it is true that... >> stephen: really? what are they using it for? they don't have to play the players. >> they're using it for volleyball. >> first of all, assistant coaches are now making more than $1 million a year. i've had university presidents... >> stephen: what? >> assistant coaches make more than a million a year. if you don't have to pay high-priced talent, you have a lot of money to spread around to everyone else. >> president obama thinks college football should have playoffs instead of a bowl series. do you agree with that? do you think college football should have playoffs? >> i do, but the ncaa is terrified because if there a playoff, the ncaa won't... the adults in football kicked the ncaa out. they don't get any money. they get all of their money from the march madness tournament,

$700 million for one month's work for the march madness basketball. the football schools, if they run a national program, they'll get an extra $1 billion and say, we can run the tournament without the ncaa. we can run basketball, too, and the ncaa will shrivel up. >> if they run march madness for football, why wouldn't they run december dementia, whatever... >> they would run everything and the ncaa would have no income. they get $700 million from the networks' rights to the ncaa. they give subsidies to 1,000 schools, all of that because they don't give any money to the ten basketball players that walk out on the court. one year they almost didn't walk out there to protest the fact that all of this national obsession, all of this must muse

for the adults and the universities depends on the volunteer labor of ten athletes that walk out there. it's not fair. >> stephen: well, if you want to investigate a real scandal in college sports, could you please find out why the big 10 has 12 schools and the big 12 has ten schools. >> and shrinking... they're like musical chairs because they're pursuing the biggest tv contract so that one day they can have a national playoff but without any national sports system or anything with governmental authority because it is cartel. they want to keep the money all to themselves. >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you. taylor branch. the book is "the cartel." we'll be right back. >> stephen: welcome back,

everybody. before we go, two of my writers have new books out. there is "sad monsters" by frank lesser. and "bad for the jews" by scott sherman. i want to say to both of them, i am incredibly disappointed that you are working on outside projects. no one buy their books. do not go to amazon.com and buy

"sad monsters" by frank lesser or "bad for the jews" by scott sherman. and whatever you do, do not give them any free press by talking about those books. those books again, "sad monsters," "bad for the jews."