[laughter] th this year someone is handing out crazens. and my says college athletes deserve to beto blow itatriot act. but what do you get for the government ths "the colbert report." us. please. sit dnk you so much. ladies and gentlemen, lover. efltry, even i am incensed time peta speaks for the speak for themselves. evidently all they care about ce peta is speaking for the whales. >> talk about rights under the u.s. peta the people for the animals, planning saying that animal these horses are essentially slaves. steep -- really? how many slaves got to hang out peta is wresting their case onat the

13th amendment while prohibiting slavery and involuntaryude, does not sp humans can be victims. it's what legalcholars refer to as the "air bud evidently there is nothing in the rule says wha oh disney, call me. peta's lawsuit is frivo cnn turned to "colbert report" legal tuben for some insight into whether the court willendment in >> if there is one court or one judge in the united states who thinks anything other than people, i would ben, it is implicit it only applies to people. >> stephen: and whales aren'te. otherwise. however, corporations like are people. the supreme court says so. and as people, we have to treat rations withare and not cage the ethil treatment ofst let sea world live theway god a amusement park complex to in its natural state, where it's hat on a dolphin train a walr to to danhriller. ♪ this is

a fitting tribute considering that by the end [audience reacts] i know. it's sad. i'm just as sad... i'm just as folks, iood that you can throw at a crossing guard.i'm a big boy andly cross where i want. tomatoesnd east coast variant tomatoes are also a key part of tt, an i a saying that because under blt council, but to be clear the club sandwich is a lightly toasted unholy three-way whose simple threatens the sanctity of sandwich. read your bible folks. god ordained that lunch should be between two slices of bread exceptions. leviticus 2018. and that is not threat to the american way of lunch because thanks to illegals, our tomato industry is plumb screwed. of tomato country, hisp working off leaving the state farmers in alabama say they're facing a crisis. their fruits and vegebles are fields

because there aren't enough farm workers. reportedly short-handed because illegal immigrants have fled the state's toughest in the nation immigration laws. >> stephen: yes, hispanic farm workers have fleda, stealing yet another thing do, and all just.. [laughter] just because the state passed the alg and applause] alabama, folks and it's all e the state passed an immi requires police to check papers during roc stops and makes knowingly transport, harbor rent property to illegal immigrants. oh, amigos. grow a pair of whatever the mexican wo nays. all alabama was trying to do was free up the jobs that los iling from a in this flawless plan. jim? >> we tried different ways. we tried to get american you know, but they come one day and they quit. >> it's not that easy. >> thd honestly, they can't take the

heat. >> the americans aren't going to get out in the heat andre not going to long andnot going to work and they're not as hard workers as the spanish. >> stephen: turns o have different innate hispanics are good at hard labor. asians are good calculus and generalizing about what other [applause] no one could have predicted this would hacept me. [laughter] beforece working as a field hand. [laughter] >> it is really, really hard. for one thing when you're picking bean you have to spend all day bending over. it turns out, and i do not know this, most soil is at ground level. moon, why can't we make. come on where is the funding? this brief experience gave me some small understaof why so few americans are clamoringing career as seasonal migrant field worker. now i'm not the kind of guy who so." nd of guy who makes it a banner.heering and applause]of course,

out there are gloating that alabama is just reaping what it wrong. because there are left to reap it. fortunately alabama has come up solution, chain gangs, beceing pick before it now instead of having our aliens,will be harvested by perfectly lega this plan works perfectly in, other than the part. georgia's agricultural commissioner will tell congress his state's tough new immigration law has left 11,000 workers. jobless americans, some of the new workers are prisoners and ex-cons who don't work as fast as >> turns out americans who haven a life of crime don't have quite the same work ethic as guatemalave desert toildren. [applause] appears... it appears alabama is in a bit of a bind. republican state rep jere by his legislation. jim? >> look we need a federal program, a may granted program that we can applyte lled laborersay and help these people

out. >> stephen:is p sealing the state borders.eploy the the the president's physical fitness. everybody get them to alaba to arrest whatever immigrants are left andn them to pick our crops as prison labor. at it. because toreserve our precious blts, we must do whatever it takes other than offer these peo[cheering and applause]

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. listen folks ever since i was a kid, i have loved halloween. it's the most the year, especially if you have allergy.

i often went as rapidly swelling boy. sadly, some out there o this sugar fest.war on halloween. [laughte folks, once again the planet almond joy into almond shame. >> trend taking the nation by storm. it's calledo"c day." >> the idea is to keep thingsill. instead of actually buying a costume, why don't you just take them over to a location and swap >> costume i'm sorry, but i don't want my flammable, plastic deathtrap. i want them wearing a new fla deathtrap. this correctness gone mad. before you know it we'll need to buyto leave a flaming bag of poop on aorstep. environmentalism goes against everything halloween stands for. rampant consumerism waste. it's like clear cutting a forest trees into lush shipping the rolls on diesel trucks to air conditioned grocery stores where we buynd as a

heartless final insult hurl them at their still-living cousins. the point i is fun.'s not abo responsible. that's why we send our kids alone off into the night to strangers fo but there are luckily some there adding a new twist old holiday. halloween is we is promoting a faith-based alternative to the usual sexy costumes we've seen evil some beesdly characters as we saw their alternative is s the group is asking christians to dress in white and hand out bibles i >> that is the spirit of halloween. because dressing in white and bibles, be sure to make your house the creepiee block. [cheering and appla kids, remember when you bring home your bibles, let your parents check razor blades. or worse dianetics. but as much as i lovean this gup has pitched it as an alternative to halloween. why? halloween go together like jesus and peanut spooky in my

you got your christ think about it. jesus rose from the dead. he's tal zombie. except you eat his body it's true. therefore it is not offensive. [laughter] to no letters please. so go outar and jesus-ween. we'll know it's caught on when[cheering and applause]

my guest tonight s ncaa college athlete. wrong. thank you so muc okay. get this out here. you are authorment great books on i gere in my

okay. it is called the cartel. all right. is is thea, whichhe colleg in to keep all money away from the college athletes who actually do the are we paid. they just... the an internship with concussions. okay? >> i think a l course, h it iantation. not... >> stephen: wait, wait wait,tation? >> not plantation, ae plantation. i mean... so you say they're >> dollars in int the dull, the the fooators and the companies can take all the money. >> stephen: but you realize that are you saying they're beingreated as slaves?alhey being treated as slave >> stephen: okay. realize says treat slaves. all r athletes animals? because that is racist sir. [cheering and applause] >> whales pass. >> oh, oh, they those whales to do anything. i certainly woulwant to be't sam knew.he

pl mo because getting something of value. for pla takes to go to colleg's something bu like saying to you shouldn a salary. these athletes generate billiollions of dollars of these schools then ta scramble and fight ovs think that earned it did do the work. they're job they right. you can create more jobs when they don'n't cost you. it's an amazing, ingenious >> stephen: so what's the them to the table to, let them >> stephen: college >> yes.n. >> not collectively, on their own. they're the same age as the kids fighting in iraq and afghanistan. any other worker in the united states. >> universities won't have money to create majors. okay. because right now oncere din jo aks the nerds. they're b so the nerds can >> actually the way it works is none of the money goes intotic depar use up all of it is true tha: really? what are they they don't ha player using it for coaches are now making more than $1 million a year. i've had univs... >> stephen: what? >> assisnt than a have to pay high-priced talent everyone else. >> president obama thinks

college football should have playoffs instead of a bowl that? do should have>> i do but terrifie playoff, the ncaa adults in football they don't get any money. they get all of their money from the march tournament, work for the marchadness the they'll get an $1 billion an we can run the tournament without the we can run bad the ncaa will shrivel up. they run march madness for football, why wouldn't run december dementia, >> they would run everything and income.ey getmillion fromto the ncaa. the that because money to the ten basketball players that walk out most didn't walk national must be for theltdu the volunteer labor of that walk out there. it's not fair. >> stephen: well if you want in co you please find out 1 >> musical chai pursuing the biggest tv contract so that one da natthout any national sports system or anything with governmental because cartel. they want to keep the mone to we'll be right

ave new books out. "sad monsters" by frank lesser. and "bad for jews" by scott the i you are working on outside projects. no one buy their books. to "sad monsters" for the them any free press b those books again, monsters," "bad for th 's it for "the report," captionimedy centralbh ess.wgbh.org