Live Music Archive
Librivox Free Audio
Metropolitan Museum
Cleveland Museum of Art
Internet Arcade
Console Living Room
Open Library
American Libraries
TV News
Understanding 9/11tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central October 27, 2011 11:30pm-12:00am PDT
12:46 pm
captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
12:47 pm
>> tonight police crack down on occupy wall street protestors. satisfied? someone on wall street is going to jail. then new developments in the nba lockout. will lebron be taking his talents to the fries station at ar bees? and my guest country music star toby keith has done 18 o-- 180 shows for the uso. we'll talk about the one time i went. a california-- was caught selling illegal pain kills out of a starbucks. hey, everyone else in starbucks, now you finally got a great idea for that screenplay. this is "the colbert report."
12:48 pm
(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, thank you so much. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steveen, stephen!
12:49 pm
>> stephen: that came out very nicely. thank you so much. folks, you know, by the way you are chanting you would think i was famous. (laughter) folks, it is a dark day in america. our way of life is under attack from the youth-stapo over at shock-upy wall street, trademarked. we knew they were completely aimless and unto kutsd. now we know they are violent. on tuesday in oakland, california, protestors threw rocks and bottles at police forcing the cops to respond with their own improvised weapons. tear gas canisters, flash grenades and bean bag guns. bean bag guns? really, bean bags?
12:50 pm
that's nothing more than a high velocity mackey sack you are playing right not protestors' hands. and feet. now tragically, folks, one of the protests injured was an actual american. iraqi war vet scott olsen was hit in the head with a tear gas canister and when protestors rushed to his aid police tossed a flash grenade not group and olsen's skull was fractured. olsen is in the hospital now awaiting brain surgery. and we wish him well. but folks, while this footage right here may be shocking, i believe yesterday's "washington post" gave the full story with this picture of an oakland policeman petting a kitten. (laughter)
12:51 pm
making the point that while oakland's finest may have shattered a veteran's skull, they're also capable of police cute-aality, also trademarked. now folks i believe in the constitution. i'm not saying you don't have the right to peacefully assemble. i'm just saying that the police have the right to disassemble you into pieces. love (laughter) and the headline sums up the situation perfectly. protestors wearing out welcome, nationwide. yeah, protestors, you're wearing out your welcome. you're like the one dude at 2 a.m. still sitting on america's couch. the pitty party is over, go home. so wall street can continue their party. we're going to snort the ground up bones of the poor.
12:52 pm
feels good it is good. (applause) (cheers and applause) frankly-- frankly, the whole country is sick of occupy wall street. particularly that part of the country that has cable news shows. >> putting up with a bunch of across the country now cracking down more on the occupy wall street protest. >> is this a sign that the movement's days could be coming to an end. >> a lot of cities like atlanta, oakland even new york city saying we really had enough of this this has gone for a very long time. >> some municipalities and cities are saying you know what, i enough, enough. >> the cost, disease, fungus. >> yeah. if wall street wants fungus,
12:53 pm
we'll have our chef shave a little white truffle on our risotto bianco. look. you had your moment in the sun, protestors. and your moment in the rain and the wind and the cold. but we are bored with you now. you are just a media fad like sanjaya, or balloon boy, or balloon sanjaya. (laughter) worst macy's parade ever. besides occupy wall street worked. today the dow was up 340 dow points. financial system fixed. thank you. now go occupy something else. there must be some injustice happening somewhere. did you hear that? i think somebody's testing lipstick on a dolphin.
12:54 pm
quick, go occupy the ocean. (laughter) nation-- (cheers and applause) nation, that horn you just heard marks the end of the show's first quarter. and here are the highlights. all of it. this is the sport report. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) first up, baseball. the world series continues. yes, i am being told that's true. great. best of luck to the texas cowboys and the st. louis archies. next up, football. where america's gladiators
12:55 pm
battle week after week to determine who has the least snapable femur. as a gridiron connoisseur i enjoy the fine points of the game. like when players get fined. last friday the nfl slapped steelers all pro safety troy polamalu. with a $10,000 penalty for calling his wife on the sideline to let her know he was okay after leaving the game with concussion-like symptoms. apparently he was so woozy on the sidelines that ben roethlisberger tried to have sex with him. (laughter) folks-- true story. true story. folks, the nfl's being called unsympathetic here.
12:56 pm
but i'm all for this fine. it's for the players own good. with polamalu so disoriented, who knows who he might have called. i mean who among us hasn't concussion dialed an ex-girlfriend to tell them you want to get back together race karma ma potato salad. besides the last thing players need is players touching base with their families during the game it creates the real danger that their loved ones will talk some sense into them and say why are you bashing your head into 300 pound lineman? your brain is a piece of sponge cake floating in a bone bucket. stop now while you don't have to wear a diaper. anyway. i wish mr. polamalu a speedy
12:57 pm
recovery so can get back out there against the patriots this weekend and really slam his skull into tom brady's model-shagging ass. next up, basketball. folks, it's week 18 of the nba lockout. i know. i know. and i am fed up. because i for one love watching a bald guy rack the nut to the hoop hole. (laughter) the players and the owners remain mile as part on how to divide the league's revenue. talks resumed yesterday but sadly neither side would agree to give the other all the money. (laughter) two weeks of the season have already been cancelled and as nbc commissioner/green guts goblin david stern and
12:58 pm
the players' union don't get it together soon the owners will be forced to cancel games on christmas day. an insult to all christians. and the memory of that holy night when god thundered on to baby jesus through mary's halo. it's got to be the sandals. now colbert superpac already weighed in on this conflict last week with a controversial ad. >> it's another sad day in america as the nba lockout grinds on. depriving millions of their
12:59 pm
favorite sport. meanwhile, the nba players will stop at nothing to get all the cheese. >> folks that footage was not just a metaphor. if this lockout keeps up, tnt has already secured the rights to sunday nights ratsket ball. i would like to address the accusations circulating on sports blogs that my friend dallas mavericks owner mark cuban is funding my superpac to be his mouth beast and circumvent commissioner david stern's bag order. -- gag order. after a thorough internal investigation, i have determined that i don't have to tell you. (laughter) the big news is, last week cuban reportedly made a proposal he called the game changer which would replace the salary cap with a luxury tax. you see, cuban's changing
1:00 pm
the game of basketball. apparently to monopoly. this courageous plan inspired colbert superpac to make our second ad about the lockout. and tomorrow morning, we are debutting this commercial, which will run in dallas on abc affiliate wfaa during good morning, texas, which is running between good morning america, and shooting guns in the air with rusty. jim? >> the nba season is dying. and commissioner david stern is doing nothing to save it. but mavericks owner mark cuban has a game-changing solution. >> just replace the salary cap with a punitive luxury tax in lieu of the dollar for dollar fine bringing both player closer to the
1:01 pm
proceedsed pri. >> finally a simple plan to bring the contractual rock to the arbitrated rim. you heard about this plan? because david stern has placed mark cuban under a gag order. what is stern hiding? starting now colbert superpac stands behind mark cuban who may or may not stand behind us. we must speak for him. call your local sports radio and say, i am mark cuban. >> i am mark cuban. >> yo so, mark cuban. >> i am mark cuban. >> -- responsible for the content of this advertising, made possible by a generous donation of colbert superpac. >> stephen: yes. (cheers and applause) yes, ladies and gentlemen. now we are all mark cuban.
1:02 pm
the maverick's a kuhna is going need a way bigger skybox. we'll be right back. look! here she comes! ♪ she'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes... ♪ ♪ when she comes. ♪ it'll be spinning new chrome wheels when it comes. ♪ ♪ when it comes. ♪ custom spoiler, race grade pistons, ♪ ♪ gt35 turbo charger. ♪ and they'll all know that it's kevin's awesome car. ♪ bought em! ( clears throat ) sorry. when it's on your mind, it's on ebay.
1:05 pm
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guests tonight is a country star whose new album is called chancey's tavern. i listened to it for an hour. still waiting for my drink. please welcome toby keith. (cheers and applause)
1:06 pm
what's up, good to see you again. how are you, my friend. now reviewers know are you a good friend of this show. >> yes, mi. >> stephen: from the very beginning of this show, you've been here, your fourth time on. >> i'm a great friend. >> stephen: you're a great friend of the show. >> i even did your frigin christmas special. >> stephen: did you. you-- i think toby keith saved christmas that year. >> i think i did. >> stephen: now, sir, are you also a long time friend of america. >> always. >> stephen: that's what i love about you. >> i was born here. >> stephen: you were born in america. me too. i think that makes us blood brothers. (laughter) >> all right. >> stephen: people know you, people know like some people may not know all of your work may know the boot up
1:07 pm
your ass song courtesy of the red, white and blue. that was, just the beginning of the war on terror. now we're in slightly smeerl engagements around the world. we got the drones in libya, about 100 guys in uganda. do we need a whole boot to go up the enemy's ass now? >> maybe just a shower thong. >> stephen: a shower thong? >> a shower thong to get your toe in there. >> we have to discuss that. >> is this for national security? >> yes t is. >> now you also got great songs that prove that you are truly a man who loves america. you got american soldier. >> yeah, that's a good one. >> american ride and now its
1:08 pm
new album, you got made in america. >> i love all those because it's got the word america in it. >> stephen: why do you need any other word than america. why don't you pick a song that is just america, america, america, america. oh, america. >> you put ho in there, you are not realizing, you are saying h america, ho, america, ho, ho. >> stephen: okay, take the hos out of america. >> take the hos out of america. >> stephen: all right, i understand. now the new album, thank you for correcting. the new album is called clancy's tavern. what is clancy's tavern. >> my grandmother had a supper club over in fort smith arkansas and when i was 12 i was the oldest-- .
1:09 pm
>> stephen: that was her place, your grandmother's name was chancey. >> that was her nickname. >> stephen: who was your grandfather's nick name. >> pepper. >> stephen: clancy and pepper. >> yeah, clancy and pepper. >> stephen: that sounds like a '70s cop show. >> it was, it was. >> stephen: now you, as i said in your previous, you have taken on terrorism but now in made in america, are you take on globalization. because you say nothing's made here in moir. >> well, it's about a generation before us you could go in the bank and like my dad could go in the bank and his dad could go in the bank, shake hands with the banker and have an agreement and everybody who get along and you would get things done. pharmacy, and now all of those things are gone. and it's difficult for us to function. it hurts our economy. >> what's the answer.
1:10 pm
>> listen this album, with a razor blade nay warm tub kind of thing. >> america-- you're a internal person. >> america-- america's in a really bad upside down loan and i mean how do you get out. you have to either bankrupt before close, you don't get out upside down. >> stephen: or can party your way out. >> i got that on there too. >> stephen: you have red solo cup, this is celebrating something that isn't made in america, it's made in illinois, the solo company, red solo cup that is something still made here. you know what else is still made in america,-- are you a
1:11 pm
great american and i want you to check out toby live as his locked and loaded tour continues inspiring paid rots throughout the heartland. next stop edinboro, manchester, london, amster damn, munich, helsinki,-- oslo, copenhagen and berlin. we'll be right back with a performance by toby
1:14 pm
>> stephen: here to perform made in america off his grandmother's album clancy's tavern, ladies and gentlemen, toby keith .
1:15 pm
my om man's that old man, spent his life livein off the land. dirty handsnd a clean soul. breaks his heart seein foreign cars, ♪ ♪ filled with fuel that isn't ours. and wearing cotton we didn't grow ♪ ♪ he's got the red, white and blue fly-in high on the farm ♪ ♪ semper if i that toad on his left arm ♪ ♪ spends a little more at the store for a tag ♪ ♪ in the back that says usa ♪ ♪ won't buy noggin that he can't fix ♪ ♪ with wd 40 and a craftsman wrench ♪ ♪ he ain't prejudice, he's just made in america ♪ ♪ his wife, she's that wife
1:16 pm
that decorates on the fourth of july ♪ ♪ but says every day's independence day ♪ ♪ she's golden rule, teaches school ♪ ♪ some folks say it isn't cool ♪ ♪ but she says the pledge of allegiance anyway ♪ ♪ got the red, white and blue flying high on the farm ♪ ♪ semper if i tattooed on his left arm ♪ ♪ spends a little more at the store for a tag ♪ ♪ in the back that says usa ♪ ♪ won't buy noggin that he can't fix ♪ ♪ with wd 40 and a craftsman wrench ♪ ♪ he ain't prejudice ♪ he's just made in america ♪ ♪ born in the heartland ♪ raised on a family ♪ king james and uncle sam
1:17 pm
♪ got the red, white and blue flyingin high on the farm ♪ ♪ semper if i that toad on his left arm ♪ ♪ spends a little more at the store for a tag ♪ ♪ in the back says usa ♪ won't buy nothing that he can't fix ♪ ♪ with wd 40 ♪ and a craftsman wrench ♪ he ain't prejudice ♪ he's just made in america. made in america ♪ ♪ made in america ♪ my old man's that old man ♪ ♪ even colbert ♪ he's made in america ♪ oh yeah ♪
1:18 pm
(cheers and applause) >> thank you sses toby keith! the new album is clancy's tavern. number one. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
1:22 pm
♪ oh say you can see ♪ by the dawn's early light ♪ ♪ what so proudly ♪ we hail ♪ at the twilights ♪ last gleaming ♪ whose broad stripes ♪ and bright stars snoets through the perilous fight ♪ ♪ oer the ramparts we watched ♪ ♪ were so gallantly ♪ streaming ♪ and the rockets red glare ♪ ♪ the bombs bursting
370 Views
IN COLLECTIONS
Comedy Central
Television Archive 
Television Archive News Search Service 
The Chin Grimes TV News Archive 
Uploaded by TV Archive on
