herman cain. i may be the only american left who hasn't signed a non-disclosure agreement. and, i say goodbye to a beloved dessert. i thought twinkies lasted forever. [ laughter ] then, my guest father jim martin has written a book about how humor and laughter are key to a spiritual life. i love jesus' knock knock miracles. [ laughter ] italian debt threatens to swamp the euro zone. i knew they shouldn't have offered unlimited breadsticks. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]

wow. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] folks, that could be considered sexual harassment. folks, the sexual harassment allegations keep coming at herman cain like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt. [ laughter ] and cain isn't afraid to point out what's really behind these charges. >> a businessman by the name of herman cain stepped forward. that's one thing about herman cain that i think that a lot of the american people know. some people don't want to see herman cain get the republican nomination, and some people don't want herman cain to become president. i can't tell you what their motivation is, other than it's to stop herman cain.

[ laughter ] >> stephen: right. even if these charges are proven true and herman cain did sexually harass these women, how do we know it's this herman cain? evidently there's another herman cain out there that this one keeps talking about. [ laughter ] folks, stephen colbert thinks someone is trying to take herman cain down. they're trying to keep him from promoting his 9-9-9 plan, or building his electric fence that kills mexicans. [ laughter ] and he appears to have a great jobs plan, because sharon bialek said he was gonna give her a job at his company, if she would first give him a job in his front seat. [ laughter ] that's alleged. that's alleged. they also don't want you to know about the number 45, a special number that cain devotes an entire chapter to in his book "this is herman cain."

from the chapter entitled "45", quote: "people often attach great significance to a number-- in my case, that number is 45. the number 45 keeps popping up." cain was born in 19-"45." he's running to be our 45th president. he met his wife on april 5th, or 4/5. 4 plus 5 is nine-- as in 9-9-9. [ laughter ] plus, there's that jim carrey movie where he becomes obsessed with the number 23-- and after 2 and 3 comes 4 and 5! [ laughter ] there were 4 people accusing him of inappropriate sexual advances, now there are 5. [cheers and applause] and to keep one of those women quiet his company paid her $45,000 thousand dollars to keep quiet! splendor! it all coheres!

i can see forever! [ laughter ] anyway, it's all a democrat conspiracy. and herman cain isn't the only one being bullied in america. bullies are also a menace in our schools and i will not stand for it. in fact, if i catch someone bullying, i twist their nipple until it's swollen and purple as a plum, yank their shirt up over their head then shove them into the girls bathroom. because it's gotta stop. [ laughter ] but sometimes, well-meaning people go too far. case in point: 47 states have passed restrictive anti-bullying legislation. and these laws just replace the schoolyard bully with the bully of big government. thankfully, one state has found a way to act as a big brother to our kids without becoming big brother and it brings us to tonight's word: [cheers and applause] bully pulpit.

the michigan senate just passed "matt's safe school law," named for teenager matt eppling, who tragically committed suicide in 2002 after being tormented by classmates for being gay. it requires every public school adopt and implement a policy prohibiting bullying by pupils at school. now, this sounds like a just and fitting tribute to an innocent victim. but gary glenn, president of the american family association of michigan, told "time" magazine what it really is "a trojan horse for the homosexual agenda." [ laughter ] yes, it is well-known that the homosexual agenda is an insidious plot to prevent gay teenagers from dying. [ laughter ] and that trojans were really gay. [ laughter ] and this law clearly associates being anti-bully with being pro-gay. [ laughter ]

that violates the free speech of christians who are simply trying to follow leviticus: "if a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. they are to be put to death." that's not me, that's god. the all-knowing, all-loving creator who made all things and hates some of them. [ laughter ] but under these anti-bullying laws, if a christian jock yelled, "you're damned to hell, you queer," he could get suspended and miss the big game! then he won't get to tackle all those sweaty guys in tight pants! [ laughter ] thank goodness, michigan senate republicans stepped in, pantsed that law and stuffed it in a locker by adding an exemption that states. "this section does not prohibit a statement of a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction." that's too complicated.

tell them what this means news dork! >> the bill also gives students license to bully based on religious beliefs." >> stephen: ha! ha! nice report, lezbo! [ laughter ] the point is, bullying is fine as long as you get a permission slip from god. now with this amendment to the law, now if you're a michigan christian teenager caught giving a gay kid a swirlie, you can say it's a baptism. [ laughter ] after all, if you read the bible, you know jesus was a bully. he threw the money lenders from the temple-- because they were the mathletes! look at him at the cafeteria. hanging out at the cool kids table. "no, there's only room for these twelve guys, go sit somewhere else,you pharisees." [ laughter ] even though clearly there's tons of space on the other side of the table!

by the way, christian teens don't have to restrict their righteous bullying to gays. according to leviticus they should also torment their classmates who have tattoos, wear "clothing woven of two kinds of material" or are girls in their time of menstrual impurity. and don't just bully those girls, bully anyone who touches them, for they are unclean. and remain unclean until the girl gives the principal two turtles or two young pigeons to be sacrificed. [ laughter ] obviously we're talking about christians here. we can't have hindus, jews and muslims bullying us about having burgers, bacon and booze. there's only one problem with this amendment. it also allows bullying based on sincerely held moral conviction. and there may be some who are convinced that by inserting into a law written to prevent the

suicides of tormented gay children an amendment that justifies that cruelty by appealing to god, these republican senators are being immoral. and i just worry that next november those voters might pick on them. and that's the word. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. [cheers and applause] nation, i love dessert. that's why i always eat it first, as a reward for the salad i can't finish because i'm already full. but there's a special place in my heart for dippin' dots, the delicious dessert pellet created by flash-freezing drops of ice cream batter in liquid nitrogen. at last, we've fulfilled our dream of a dessert that looks like care bear scat. [ laughter ] that's why i was so devastated to hear that dippin' dots has filed for bankruptcy. this is a disaster, folks. dippin' dots was "the ice cream of the future."

if dippin' dots is in the past, we now live in some bizarre post-future time-scape. nation, this leaves a gap in the future-dessert continuum. what will we eat in the future now? hover pie? tiramisu on a monorail? heisenberg's uncertainty popsicle? [ laughter ] someone needs to take dippin dots' place as the ice cream of the future. i recommend stephen colbert's americone dream. chawses of. [cheers and applause] mmmmm mmmmm now, folks, -- folks. [ laughter ] unfortunately, i've been shaken by some terrible news from jerry of ben and jerry's during

his recent slumming on jimmy fallon: >> welcome you guys. thank you for our own flavor the big issue everyone is talking about -- is it outselling stephen colbert's ice cream? >> the flavor is doing really, really well-- but the short answer is yes, it's outselling stephen's ice cream. >> yeah, that's right. >> stephen: how is this possible?! my ice cream is delicious. and jimmy's is-- well, i don't want to crap on jimmy's ice cream because that would improve the flavor. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] these sales figures were hard enough to take. but then jimmy sank to a new low. >> i made another great stride in my ice cream flavor supremacy over my eternal enemy for six months, stephen colbert. we came up with a contest where

you can send photos of all the disgusting things you can do with colbert's ice cream besides eat it. >> stephen: all right, jimmy. [audience reacts] i'll do something with my ice cream other than eat it. i will use it to crush you! i will prove that mine is the ice cream othe future! [cheers and applause] are you ready? [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, please welcome from the physics department at ithaca college, dr. matthew c. sullivan and the quantum levitator! [cheers and applause] this say quantum leavation device, correct. >> it is indeed >> stephen: nation, as i'm sure you know, "quantum levitation"

refers to the phenomenon whereby the magnetic flux lines flowing through a type-two superconductor are pinned in place despite the electromagnetic forces acting upon them. i learned that from the inside of a snapple cap. [ laughter ] dr sullivan, can you confirm that if my ice cream quantum levitates, it will be the ice cream of the future? >> absolutely. that's just science. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: excellent! here we have some of my americone dream. it's available in mini cups which is jimmy's is not. okay? and i can confirm that it is delicious. now, are you ready to send my ice cream into the future? ice cream of the future, engage!

it levitated. it levitated. oh, jimmy, look. look, jimmy it's levitating. [cheers and applause] eat it, falon. eat the future! we'll be right back. hit it! [cheers and applause] [cheers an]

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody my guest tonight has a new book on religion and humor. i loved the open mic on the mount. please welcome father jim martin. [cheers and applause] hey, how is it going, jim? good to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: do you get that kind after applause when you say mass? >> every sunday. yes, right up here. you are hearing it. >> stephen: exactly. you are known to our regular viewers as not only a jesuit

priest in the culture editor of america magazine and author of jesuits guide to almost everything but more importantly you are the chaplain of colbert nation. >> much more importantly. >> stephen: a great responsibility. >> heavy burden. >> stephen: i hope it didn't get in the way why when you were writing your new book "between heaven and the motion to reconsider, why joy, humor and laughter are at the spirit of human life." i'm not sure i buy that. it never said jesus laughed it. says jesus wept. shortest sentence in the new testament. jesus wept. was he weeping with laughter? >> he shows a sense of humor in parables and the stories he tells. the problem is we don't get the joke because we're far removed from first century palestine. [ laughter ] >> stephen: so god is just too

hip for the room? [ laughter ] but the. >> but the people back then would have gotten the jokes we miss the irony. the idea that that one of his stories that a person would have a plank in their eye and criticize someone whos hey speck of dust in theirs would have been seen as hilarious. it falls flat in 21st century america. and there are other oceans i talk about in the book about his sense of humor and playfulness. he gives the disciples nicknames for example. like peter. >> stephen: calls him the rock. the rock between the ears pete. >> some have told me it's playful pun on his character, rocky basically. he calls two of the disciples jake and john sun sons of and thunderment exactly it's a critique about them being loudmouths or their mother earlier on said will my sons be

at your right hand. some scholars say it may be a playful way of talking about they are mother. there's his sense of humor. we miss it. i'm trying to recover it in the book. >> stephen: there's one point i thought he did laugh when the apostles are out in the boat on the sea and the big storm comes up and they are worried and they see jesus walking toward them on the water. and calming the waters around him. and peter says to himself, hey, if i've got faith, i should be able to do this, too. he steps out, takes a couple of steps. he sees his stormy, loses his faith and falls in. >> jesus says come on out, go ahead. i can see him smiling a little bit. >> stephen: he takes a couple of steps. he falls in. after a couple successful steps in the water he falls in like

wylie coyote looking down and going op! you know jesus must have cracked a smile when he saw him falling. >> at least inwardly steenchts that just physical comedy. what is funnier the old testament or new testament. the old testament has harsh words for joke tellers. >> also it has funny stories. abraham and sara when they hear sara is going to have a baby it says abraham fell on his face laughing. she laughs. god says why did you laugh. sara said i didn't laugh. god said yes, you do. they have a baby and named him isaac which is hebrew for he laughed. >> the religions don't giggle much together though. can laughter -- can laughter or

mirth as you say can that be in prayer? >> yes, because you know if we're in a relationship with god in prayer, any relationship can use humor and levitt. you can be joyful in prayer about things you are grateful for and smile about things that make you laugh at yourself. think to share your joy and laughter with god is very appropriate like in any relation shim i try to talk about that in the book. ways of doing that. >> stephen: i'm in the a comedian. i don't make up jokes that often. i have one joke about god. i'd like to try it on you. >> feel free. >> stephen: a guy commits suicide and goes to heaven, okay? he gets to heaven. god grow thes him there. the guy says i'm so surprised i'm here. first of all i thought there was no god. second of all, i thought if you killed yourself, you know, you were damned forever. god said you know that's a complicated issue.

everybody at least thinks about ending it, you know killing themselves at some point. god said even i thought of it. the guy said why didn't you do it? god said, what if this is all there is. [ laughter ] >> pretty good. >> stephen: father, thank you for joining me. father jim martin. the book is "between heaven a [cheers and applause]

>> stephen: that's it for the report. good night. [cheers and applause] - jack. got a minute?