the liberal media is doing their best -- accusing him of shady lobbying deals. >> as newt gingrich rises in the polls there's growing scrutiny into his work after he left congress. the times reports that through his health care consultancy the former house speaker made millions of dollars helping companies promote their services while gaining access to government officials. >> stephen: that is an outrageous accusation that a -- yes, boo. how dare you accuse of a congressman with no discernible skills of raining in cash by raking in cash and future fellow lobbyists. we know this isn't true because as newt's aides have pointed out, he is not a registered lobbyist. if he is not registered, ergo he's not a lobbyist. the same reason that i have not registered my audi a-8, so

legally it's not a car. [ laughter ] which is why i can drive it on the sidewalk. [ laughter ] today, newt categorically denied these scurrilous accusations. >> i did no lobbying of any kind, period. for a practical reason. let me be really direct, okay? i was charging $60,000 a speech. and the numbers of speeches was going up, not down. normally celebrities sell fewer speeches. we were selling more. >> stephen: okay? he doesn't need to lobby--he's a celebrity. he's bigger than brangelina and tomkat put together -- or at least his head is. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] $60k a speech.

as his attorney explains: none of mr. gingrich's clients paid him to adopt a position that he did not already have. >> stephen: yes, companies frequently pay celebrities like us to continue to believe what we already believe. for instance, it has been my long-held position that if you're looking for all-out refreshment bud light lime offers up the just-right taste you love with a splash of 100% natural lime flavor. [ laughter ] that's just who i am. i grew up feeling strongly that bud light lime is perfect for chilling at the pool, in the backyard, or pretty much anywhere. [ laughter ] i'm not being paid to say that. i receive money from the good folks at bud light lime because i happen to already think that bud light lime is the official beer of natural good times. [ laughter ]sand i absolutely l. [cheers and applause] okay. that's enough good times for now. [ laughter ]

of course -- [cheers and applause] of course, newt has some strong beliefs he hasn't made money off of-- yet-- like his hatred of barney frank. >> if you put people in jail you ought to start with barney frank go back and look at the lobbyists he was close to at -- at freddie mac. >> stephen: yeah, string him up! barney frank was close to the lobbyists at freddie mac, and gingrich should know because those lobbyists gave newt $1.6 million dollars. but that doesn't mean newt was close to them. i'm sure he waited until they left before he picked up the brown paper bag full of money. [ laughter ] and i'd say newt has won this fight, because on monday congressman frank announced his retirement. the man is a lion of the liberal establishment. from the looks of him, possibly the cowardly lion. [ laughter ]

even i have to admit though there have been some brave moments for this friend of dorothy. in 1987 frank became the first openly gay congressman other than all the founding fathers. [ laughter ] of course -- of course, whenever a titan of washington steps aside, the tributes roll in. like this one from bill o'reilly. >> if you challenge frank, he's in your face, if you point out his failures, he denies them. if you disagree with him on anything, you're a moron. >> stephen: high praise from papa bear. it's like he's describing himself. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] of course, not all remarks were positive, like this tweet posted by the tennessee tea party: >> good riddance you perverted sodomite piece of (bleep). >> stephen: sounds harsh, but in tennessee, that's the state motto.

[ laughter ] now, the president of the tennessee tea party tami kilmarx, quickly took down the tweet, saying it was posted without her knowledge, and thoroughly apologized on facebook, by saying: "while i privately and inwardly i may agree with the commentary, it is completely irresponsible for any one of us to write these kinds of commentaries." >> stephen: yes, it's fine to agree that barney frank is a perverted sodomite piece of (bleep) but don't say it out loud. [ laughter ] just like when a gay guy walks into a restaurant you don't scream, "hide your children! he's looking for new meat." you just cover your young one with a coat until danger passes. right? i'm right. we have to be tactful. i think kilmarx gave the

appropriate response, so-- let's tweet here it's irresponsible to say "this pic of tami kilmarx is why barney frank is gay." [ laughter ] hashtag, though i privately and inwardly agree. [ laughter ] now,i don't know what that future holds for frank, especially since he has pledged: "i will neither be a lobbyist nor a historian." for an ex-congressman, that only leaves felon or fully-clothed exotic dancer. [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ]ç [cheers and applause]ç ♪ wild thing folks, on a personal note, i'll be sad to see congressman frank go. sure, we didn't always see eye to eye, but he was one of the first congressman i got to better know.

so to honor his retirement, i'm pleased to present this encore presentation of my second-ever "better know a district." thank you for taking time between taxing and spending to talk to me. [ laughter ] congressman barney -- can i call you frank? >> it's my last name. say whatever you want. >> stephen: president bush, great president or the greatest president? those are the only two options i've got. >> i think he's been a disaster. >> stephen: i'll put you down for great. >> well, i -- >> stephen: it's the lower of the two. so i'll put you down for it. bush is great. barney frank 22nd september, 2005. okay. you are self-identified as a

group that has a lot of discrimination against them. what has it been like living your life openly left handed? >> very difficult. pencil sharpeners, for instance, are right handed. >> stephen: scissors. >> door knobs. >> stephen: i was born left handed. by the way, i believe you are born left handed it's in the a decision. >> right. >> stephen: my parents, especially my dad were pretty upset. they did everything in their power to get me to switch sides and go right handed. they even got me involved in this christian ministry youth group to get me me to go over to the right side. has your minister ever approached you about changing from left to right? >> my minister is a rabbi. >> stephen: you are jewish? >> yes. >> stephen: to sum up, you are left handed, jewish, as i learn

here, but there's something else about you and this is sort of the elephant in the room that i'm not naming but as a journalist i feel like i have to name it: you are a little overweight. does your wife like that you are overweight? >> i can honestly say to you whether or not i lose weight is of no concern whatsoever to my wife. >> stephen: okay. you've been called fairly hip. what is the last cd you bought? >> i don't think i ever bought one. my boyfriend gave me some. >> jon: sorry what? >> my boyfriend gave me one. >> stephen: oh, you are homosexual. my apologies. i didn't know. for not knowing. >> why would i be offended by the fact i didn't know. >> stephen: please -- i apologize for apologizing. >> let me explain the nice thing about me. ignorance does not offend me.

>> stephen: thank you very much as a journalist i should have known that so it doesn't happen in the future tell me who else is gay. >> elton john. let me think about else who. ellen degeneres. >> stephen: the one who dances? >> yes. ♪ >> stephen: thank you so much. >> your welcome. -- you're welcome. >> stephen: i'll go. we'll miss you. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ç[cheers ]

>> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] nation, i had the old iphone out earlier. i reminded me i'm a fan of

apple's voice recognition software siri. it's got all the convenience of talking to a woman on the phone without that annoying $2.99 a minute. [ laughter ] but now there's another reason to love her/it. because according to the new york times blog, she is pro-life. if you're in manhattan you ask to find an abortion clinic, siri responds: >> sorry, i couldn't find any abortion clinics. >> stephen: really? in new york? i think, they've got one at the top of the empire state building. the line is ridiculous. it's a total tourist trap. [ laughter ] point is, siri is clearly an arch-conservative woman. like laura ingraham, but less robotic. [ laughter ] and that's not the only way siri is earning her conservative cred. >> there's a personal assistant on the iphone. it might leave people left out. here is why: apple users that speak english with a foreign accent, including scottish, australian, irish, and other say that siri does not understand them.

>> stephen: that's right. siri can't understand foreigners which explains why she never laughed once when we watched. crocodile dundee together. [ laughter ] turns out siri is just as scared of illegal aliens as i am. i don't blame her. it's only a matter of time before she loses her job to some mexican yo-phone. [ laughter ] but it's not enough for siri just to ignore foreign users, she has to fire back. so i made a few modifications to siri. let me just test it out here. first let's try some scottish. (scottish accent) siri, can you direct me to the nearest kilt shop? >> siri: this is america. wear pants, you haggis-eating, bagpipe molestor. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: all right now for the british. (british accent) siri, where does the rain in spain mainly fall?

>> siri: why don't you go ask your stupid queen? or is she too inbred to answer?! [ laughter ] >> stephen: or for germans -- (german accent) guten tag-- i vould like directions to the local gim-nasium. >> siri: how can you live with yourself after what you did to the von trapp family? [ laughter ] >> stephen: know what? the republicans can't decide who to get behind, and siri is such a strong conservative voice. maybe she should run for president. but first, siri, have you had an affair with herman cain? >> siri: i was young and i needed the job. [ laughter ] >> stephen: oh you poor thing. we'll be right back. so sorry. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back,

everybody my guest tonight is a legendary broadway lyricist and composer whose new book is called "look, i made a hat." it's better than andrew lloyd weber's book, "look, i made cats." [ laughter ] please welcome stephen sondheim. [cheers and applause] nice see you again, sir. thanks for coming back. >> my pleasure. this is just like old home week. >> yes.

>> stephen: this is where you come to sell your books. and boy do you have one this time. last time it was "finishing the hat" and this one is called "look i made a hat." okay? >> it's a progression. >> stephen: it is. this book has in it "look i made a hat" this is the second half of your career. this is my favorite musical of all time, sunday in the park with george. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> stephen: when i was explaining to my mother why i wanted to be a pundit i read her the lyrics to finishing the hat. that is about an artist having to live with the loneliness of his art that his art is his love and his life. are you writing about yourself there? >> yes, to a certain extent. i'm writing about what happens

to everybody who writes or paints or composes, how you get lost in what you are doing, the word disappears and you sacrifice aspects of your life and you forget everything except finishing the hat. in this case it's about a painter who is working on a hat. it's just one of many hats but he spends all his time concentrating on this hat. he said look, i made a hat, now i have to make another one. it's about concentration. >> stephen: it never ends though. the art never ends. she's a harsh mistress, art. >> that's well put. >> stephen: i should write lyrics. [ laughter ] since the last time you were on you invited me to be in company. >> yes. >> stephen: which i did a -- [cheers and applause] >> i was thrilled that you accepted. i couldn't believe you would accept. >> stephen: i can't believe i did either. my performance has harry great interpretation of sondheim or

the greatest interpretation of sondheim? [ laughter ] i'll just write this down. >> well, you had to compete with charles who had done it originally and i think it came out well. >> stephen: okay. i'll put you down for great. now, can i ask you about the lyrics to the song i sang. it's called sorry grateful. i like things simple, sir. the chorus goes you always are what you always were can has nothing to do with all to do with her. if you look at that like an equation, all to do, nothing to do and those are fractions over the word with her. okay? math says we eliminating the all

to do,ymñr nothing toç do and l that is left is with her. >> that's true. part of it is sorry and part of it is grateful. >> stephen: right. but it's like he can't explain what marriage is like. >> that's correct. >> stephen: why not make your characters really sim minded? hakuna matata. it's a wonderful word. >> it's true. it's true. but people are complicated. speaking for myself. >> stephen: why not peppy, peppy, peppy stuff. like hey, you girls, beautiful girl how i'd like to meet you beautiful girl. let me call the preacher. >> if you asked i would have upped the tempo for you. >> stephen: seriously? >> yes. easy thing to do. sorry grateful. >> stephen: grateful happy why look for answers when none occur. you always are what you always

were which has nothing to do with all to do with her ♪ how about that? [cheers and applause] i want to take you to task for two of your works. >> okay. >> stephen: assassins that's in this book. it's a beautiful musical, don't get me wrong. it's a musical about assassins. you have kids who are impressionable. they are going to go to broadway, see this thing and grow up to sing and dance and shoot the president. you don't feel responsibility for that? >> yeah, they get killed at the end. >> stephen: so it's a happy ending. for steven sondheim it's a happy ending. all those assassins came to a bad end. so, if there's a lesson there it's don't assassinate. >> stephen: that's what i mean, keep it simple. you want the define book get this one, look i made a hat.

thank you so

(stage manager) we're back in two minutes! so are you going to ask out the head? the head? there are these two msnbc guys we keep seeing around, and we don't know their names, so we call them the head and the hair. how come? so what are you, like 6'2"? 6'5". wow. i see you're looking at my watch. what? it's cool, isn't it? that's a japanese pie watch. oh, okay. it tells time with those little pie pieces. each piece is six minutes. so right now, it's six times four. 5:30. that can't be right. my watch has these little hands

that go around and point at numbers. hey, that's awesome, possum. (stage manager) one minute! the point is, the hair is ridiculously good looking. it's true. he makes me nervous just to be around. (jenna) and the head is perfectly harmless and totally into ms. liz lemon. [liz laughs] not as much as he's into his pie watch. i think the head sounds perfect for you right now. low pressure, high nerd factor, come on. (jenna) if you're serious about getting your personal life on track, you need to work at it. okay, fine. i'll ask him out. i win. no, the french maid werewolf thing is cut. you're supposed to be hillary clinton right now. what? pete! gary! lutz! what do you think sounds like the better idea for a new show? a talk show without a host, just the voice of the dead lady from desperate housewives; or a reality show with a lot of super hot nannies who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight? never mind. this television programming stuff is just one unpredictable ass ache, and i want you to get it out of here. kenneth, please. come in. is this about the clementine i took off the actors' snack table? because the catering lady already talked to me.