>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> they had the hungry muppet, the starving muppet. you look out there. we have medicaid, a record number of people on food stamp. we have s-chip. we have w.i.c.c. there's all these programs out there to take care of hungry kids captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

airport (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: welcome to the report, thank you so much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. boy, folks, thank you so much. i've got to tell you, i absolutely needed that, ladies and gentlemen, because i'm exhausted. i am going to need a little help to get through tonight's show. got here, you know it was a little five hour energy do it for me. although you know what, i only need this for a half an hour. so-- there you are.

whooo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whooo! i can feel my heartbeat in my hair! i will fistfight a shark. now folks, you see, i am so tired tonight because last night i was in our nation's capital at the kennedy center honors which pays tribute to our nation's greatest creative artists by giving them suspended stolen from mork from or october. last night the kennedy center honored jazz saxophonist sony rollins, rock 'n' roll hall of famer neil diamond, broadway legend barbara cook. world renowned cellist yo-yo ma and meryl streep. is there anything meryl streep hasn't won? oscars, golden globe, last year she was named professional bull riding's

rodeo clown of the year. when she jumps in the barrel, you believe it. now last night it was my honor to honor yo-yo ma. jim, honor me honoring him. >> tonight we celebrate the greatest living cellist, tonight we chellibrate, if you will. that from the new book i'm writing, a 1001 cello puns. all i need is a thousand more puns. (laughter) but i think it's going to sell because there's always room for more cello. (cheers and applause) now folks, my honoring did to the gun noticed. audience member and gop front-runner newt gingrich released this actual tweet today. stephen colbert was brilliant at kennedy center honors tonight. newt gingrich said i'm

brilliant, okay. and newt reserved his twitter feed for things of the utmost importance like these actual tweets. i ate a reeses peanut butter cup for breakfast. and calista got me a reese's peanut butter egg. it is good too. and folks, for the record, newt did not say that because he's a lobbyist for reese's, they gave him 1.5 million dollars because he is a well-known chocolate historian. now folks, everybody knows that i am a conspiracy theorist, or am i? i want the answers to all of the biggest mysteries. what happened to amelia earhart. is stonehenge really's a merry-go-round built by druid carnies. where in the world is carmen san diego? but the most important conspiracy is the end of the mayan calendar, december

21st, 2012, which many experts say predicts the apocalypse. the signs are every where. the economy is cratering. uprisings are spreading across the globe. this is happening. (laughter) spooky stuff. but how exactly will the end times end? this is, mysteries of the ancient unknown. 2012, end of time. america, long may she wave. but how long no when the end times come, the last words you hear just may be -- >> welcome to denver international airport. >> the denver international airport, it may look like a transportation hub but

conspiracy experts have long speculated that there's something more sinister going on. >> there's a lot of strange things about this airport. >> secret bunkers filled for a 2012 apocalypse. >> to bring americans in on aircraft, disappear underground, into prisons and execution centers. >> denver airport's runways resemble a nazi swastika. >> many believe it's being used for government cover-up. >> supercreepy. >> what the hell is this? >> what the hell, indeed. obviously not all of these theories can be true. so we went to find out, what the real story here. >> the real story here is denver international airport is, we're an airport. >> stephen: this is airport spokesman jeff green. >> he doesn't want to you knows what's really going on here. >> what's really going on here at the airport is we are operating flights in and out on a daily basis.

we're operating just like any normal airport. >> and? >> and -- >> anything else? >> nope, that's it. >> think again. >> strange art. mysterious architecture. what's going on no denver? no one has been able to crack the code. until now. >> william taply is a sweet 72-year-old man who loves the outdoors, working in his garden and exposing the truth. so while others spout crack pot theories about aliens and hidden bunkers, william taply has discovered the answer that was in our face the whole time. >> phallic symbols. >> you know, i see a lot of phallic images in the denver airport. in fact, i'm accused that i see them everywhere, and believe me, i don't. >> phallic sim poll, fallic,

fallic shapes. >> somebody has bought phallic, worship,. >> that's right. what william taply knows is this, first that you can never have too many nice striped polos. and second, that from the colourful murr alls to the famed blue mustang to the airport layout o the creators of this airport had one thing in mind. >> to allow airplanes to takeoff and land. >> no, not that. >> phallic symbols. >> phallic symbols. >> how did william taply develop this remarkable eye for the phallus. >> i did not understand that i had this gift. it's a gift from the holy spirit. >> a gift that has earned taply not one but two self-bestowed titles. >> william taply also known as the third eagle of the apocalypse and the copro phot of the end times. >> and a responsibility to spread his message in the best way possible ♪ i know

some of you don't agree ♪ ♪ but the denver art is for pornography ♪ ♪ if you want ♪ peace of mind ♪ don't look now ♪ you'll feel safer blind ♪. >> do people see what i see or not? i admit a lot of people don't see. but they don't have trained eye in art as i have. >> stephen: an eye that is like a phallus-seeking missile. just look at what taply has found. starting with the airport's demon horse. see if you can spot the hidden phallus here. >> let's take a closer look at the main on this blue demon horse. these sure look like phallic symbols to me. >> wow, he really does have a gift. i would have gone with the giant blue penis and scrotum, but it's not just the art,

it's the airport layout itself. >> i believe it's call kd the baggage handling area. it's definitely in the shape of a male part wnsdz and there's more. >> what does do you suppose this street name is that runs right down the center. you guessed it, that's pena boulevard. >> you are kidding. >> no, minot kidding. >> why else would it be pena. >> it is named after fredericko pena who was mayor of denver at the time that the denver international airport was concepted. >> con septembered, like a baby is concepted by putting a pena in a vaginia. but what is taply's right. >> if i'm right, then there is probably also a pubic hair area. >> stephen: heuer -- sure makes sense. >> i guess you could call this the pubic hair area. what dow suppose the name is. >> harry b combs parkway. >> harry b comb, and will you never believe the name of the road that shoots right out of the tip of the

airport. >> interstate i-70. >> fair enough. >> and the obvious question, why so many phallo ourx ses has an equally obvious answer. >> the denver airport, they have set up as an alternate-- to the united states it indicates how the world's elite are going to protect themselves. that's what those images are all about. that is what the sexual image is about. and they mistakenly believe that if they give homage to satan he will protect them. and they are so wrong. >> solis enup, denver, we're on to you. but taply says we need not fear. >> warning people is definitely a very important part of the prophecy but it is not the complete message. there is also a message of hope ♪ doom and gloom ♪ coming soon ♪ listening to third egg ellie to mo, b ♪ ♪. >> stephen: america, we need not worry while william taply has his eye on the balls. >> here we see the testicle area.

>> are we still talking about that. >> stephen: no, jeff e we're sing being it. >> everybody. ♪ don't ♪ let them win their game ♪ be-- all their messy seed ♪ ♪ (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> send me a private message to my youtube account. >> stephen: we'll be right back. >> (cheers and applause) >> stephen: or will we? we will, we will.

(cheers and applause)

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. nation, today is a sad day for america's tomorrow. because the day before yesterday, herman cain suspended his campaign. that is a shame. he touched so many people. (laughter) folks, this comes after scurrilous allegations of a 13-year long affair with an atlanta businesswoman named ginger white. last month when cain was accused of sexual harassment, she surged in the polls and raked in the cash but his campaign simply could not survive allegations of a consensual relationship. of course ever the statesman, cain left us with a reminder of his trademark el consequence. >> let me leave with you this. and i believe these words

came from the pokemon movie. life can be a challenge. life can seem impossible. it's never easy when there's so much on the line. >> stephen: yes. stirring words. it reminded me of when ronald reagan challenged america to be great again by saying scooby dooby do, where are you? we've got some work to do now. but perhaps the most overlooked tragedy of cain quitting is how it will affect his book, this is herman kane. as i'm sure you remember, cain's autobiography ends with this stirring prediction, well, i'm just about at the elevator up to the family quarters, but bear with me for just a minute more as i confirm who

i am. it's obvious i'm the president of the united states of america. just think, a few days ago o that didn't seem ridiculous. (laughter) >> stephen: what a sad country we live in. so herman ca companyin won't have to recall all of his books. i have taken the liberty of writing an epilogue you can paste into your copy. it's available on colbert nation.com to print out. suddenly i hear the alarm ring. i slowly open my eyes and realize it was all just a dream. then i snuggle up to the woman i love lying beside me and i think when i get home i'm going to tell my wife all about that. the end. (cheers and applause) now mr. cain, i know you've dropped out.

please, please reconsider. i realize you said no. but human certificate that hasn't stopped you before. we'll be right ♪ ♪ ♪ mom? dad? guys? [ engine turns over ] [ engine revs ] ♪ he'll be fine. [ male announcer ] more people are leaving bmw, mercedes, and lexus for audi than ever before. take advantage of exceptional values during the season of audi event.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has been called the michael jordan of nascar. in that he's the closest thing nascar has to an african-american. please welcome jimmie

johnson. (cheers and applause) hey, nice to meet you, sit down. all right. well, first of all, i'm a huge nascar fan. >> i was thinking that. >> stephen: i only have -- dish got one criticism, are you ready for this? >> please. >> stephen: could you slow down? because how fast you guy goes. >> depends on the track but 210 would be the top speed. >> stephen: you see at that speed, it's hard for me to see the advertisements on the car. >> right, right. >> stephen: if people want to understand the beauty of nascar, not everybody gets it, what is the thing that you think that people need to understand about the game. baseball they say it's all in the pitching or it's all in the hitting or it's all in the steroids. what-- what is it in nascar that people have to look for, the uninitiated. >> it really is a team sport. i think a lot of people focus on the driver, because that is who you see on the

course on the race on a sunday afternoon. but the driver is a piece of the team. we come dpoint row there are six guys that go over the wall to work on the car and at the shop that i drive for, we have around 515 employees that build my race car and three other race car force my teammates. so it's big business. it's a team sport and we are athletes. >> stephen: and i've been in one of these cars. i mean, and they're not luxury vehicles. it is bare bones in there, right. now you have sort of become part of it, you're totally strapped in. like that car is an extension of you. >> from a safety standpoint woe want to contain the driver and not let the head or neck move in any direction. it can go forward but our head is encased in and maybe two inches of a gap on the left side so that you can turn your head. the rest of your body is almost in a cocoon just to protect new a crash. >> stephen: how many of those nascars are actually decepticons. >> just a couple. >> stephen: just a couple of them.

is there any doping in your sport? i will take that as a you bet there is. >> i don't. >> stephen: you don't dope. >> no. >> stephen: you have never taken steroids to make your pedal foot bigger is there steroid testing. >> there is, yeah. we do have a pretty strict drug policy in our sport. >> stephen: how do you work out. because what do you do you deal with. what is the most what we think of as classically athletic aspect to nascar. >> sure. i think from a physical standpoint wore's in the car from the shortest race is three and a half hours in distance, up to five and a half for the longest race. >> stephen: five and a half hours in the car. >> correct. >> stephen: so are you more worry bode crashing at 125 miles an hour or that you drank too much ice tea before you go. >> some guy does have a problem with that. they have a small tank and can't quite make the distance. >> stephen: that's what the seat covers are for. >> correct. if you ever see a guy

pouring water on hi himself in the victory lane, there si a reason. he's trying to dilute something. he's had a problem. it's not champagne straying out. >> no. >> stephen: listen, we're all adults. >> we are. >> stephen: well, are you sharing both the joy and the stress of it with the rest of the world w your new game jimmie johnson. anything with an engine. >> yes. >> stephen: so what dow mean anything want engine. >> pretty much anything. >> stephen: you can race anything. >> i have these two motorized bar stools that are very popular at my house. and they were the inspiration for the game. >> stephen: motorized bar stools. >> correct. >> stephen: that is encouraging drunk driving. are you-- no example for our children, sir. >> i didn't say you had to have a drink in your hand but you can get your spot at the bar quicker. >> stephen: is it difficult for to you sit in a vehicle right now, that chair that has wheels on it and not want to race it? >> i like to race. >> stephen: you want to race. >> you want to race.

>> stephen: let's go. come on. right down here. now here's the rules, twice around, this coffee cup is the finish line. >> okay. >> stephen: you ready to do it. >> let's do it. >> stephen: call it. >> go (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: jimmie johnson, five time sprint cup champion. we'll be right back.