captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to "the report," everybody! good to have you with us. thank you so much. [audience chanting "stephen"]

thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. nation, last night i told you about donald trump's plan to host a republican debate. he's absolutely the perfect person to do it. you don't have to take my word for it. ask drum. >> this is a news max debate. news max is a powerful organization, good organization, and they asked me to do it. i said i would do it. the candidates have come up to trump tower. i've gotten to know them. everyone wants my endorsement. i represent millions and millions of people. you know, you just have to look at the web sites. but i remember just millions of people. >> stephen: millions of people. and that's just his make-up team. now, unfortunately jon huntsman, ron paul and mitt romney have all said they would not appear at his t debate, so trump's debate is going down his gold-plated crapper. so to fill the enormous void, last night i announced that i

would be hosting stephen colbert's south carolina serious classy republican debate. [cheering and applause] yes. i'll join you. i'll join you on that one. i deserve it, don't any i deserve that a little bit. and folks, folks, it's happening. we're doing it. we have set the state in stone. some time in january. okay. let's get that stone. okay. it's going to be on animal planet. they haven't returned my calls yet, but they're busy. it's wallaby week, the wallaby, of course, the greatest marsupial ever to hop the face of australia. sorry, kangaroo, you're yesterday's news. the point is animal planet, call me or don't. i got a million other networks interested, bet, oxygen, cinemax, that's right, all the g.o.p. candidates nude in the champagne room putting them on the glass, but tasteful. now i feel for donald. he called me last nightment he cried. we talked. he was a gentleman about it.

i got all the respect in the world for this guy. okay. that said, he's a punch line. [laughter] he's a pile of joke dust coughed up by carrot top, classiest vegetable top prop comic in the history of vegas. what i'm saying is the king is dead, long live the king, i am the king of debates. this will be the finest debate ever televised. all the candidates are invited, including john mccain, back, back from redemption island, best surprise twist in tv debate history. and they're going to be surrounded by elegance up on the stage. each podium getsers own chandelier. the audience all have dimmer switches. if they like what a candidate says, they turn it up. they den like it, they turn it down. all scientific. and i'm going to have experts for the questionsen on the economy, mike greenlay, foreign policy, eva longoria. great lady, number one caboose in prime time. makes kelly ripa look like a hog at the trough.

i can say that because kelly is a friend. kelly, lose some weight. so this is the most real actual debate ever. i am on the south carolina republican primary like white on the republican primary. [laughter] you want to know how much i'm on it, folks? you want to know how much i'm on this primary? just look at today's any times. they have some story about me getting a referendum on the south carolina ballot. throw it up there. colbert pushes corporations are people referendum. look. look, folks. i don't know where reporters get these wild ideas other than my press release and the follow-up phone interview. [laughter] but here's the truth, here's the truth: i love south carolina. it's my home state. and it's from that rich culture that i get my love of liberty, my personal values and my chemical dependency on barbecue sauce. i love it even more than i love colbert super pac. you know our motto, say it with

me: making a better tomorrow tomorrow. you're good. when we founded my pac nine months ago, nation, i promised you would be players in 2012, your voice would be heard in the form of my voice. and you would be heard on the issue you cared most about, corporations are people. and, folks, they are people. if you public a corporation, does it not bleed? now, technically i doesn't, but it does sue, so do not public them. -- prick them. folks, i was thrilled last month when i got the sample ballot for the south carolina republican primary and i saw this referendum: in order to address the matter of corporate personhood, the enfranchised people of the sovereign state of south carolina shall decree that corporations are people or only people are people. do you like that referendum? [cheering and applause] do you like that?

i do. i like that referendum a lot. that's almost exactly how i would have phrased it. in fact, that's almost exactly the wording i sent to the south carolina republican party two months ago along with a sizeable cash offer to put this referendum on the ballot. jimmy, let's see the referendum again. okay. now put up my e-mail. now do some csi stuff with it. [laughter] whoo! [applause] it looks like colbert east super pac is in the pole position. now it just goes to show you what unlimited... it just goes to show you what unlimited super pac money can do.

also, super pac paid for the sunglasses. so i got you your referendum, nation. unfortunately last month the south carolina supreme court ruled that non-binding advisory questions like this one couldn't be placed on any presidential primary ballot. really, south carolina supreme court? no non-binding questions? i believe that south carolina deserves the right to vote for something that couldn't possibly have an effect. after all, jon huntsman's on the ballot. now, unfortunately, folks, unfortunately the g.o.p. of south carolina will not challenge this ruling. so instead, can't believe it, i turned to the democrats, specifically south carolina democratic chair dick hard hart footlyian,. i asked him if he would

challenge the ruling. joining us now to do our super pac's bidding, please welcome south carolina democratic chairman dick harpootlian. dick, thanks for coming on. good to see you. all right, dick, now, i have not seen you since 2008. all right. i tried to run for president in south carolina, and you're one of the guys who got me kicked off the democratic ballot. [audience booing] yeah, yeah. now why on earth four years later would you be helping me? does it have anything to do with the fact that i have unlimited cash? >> stephen, that probably is the only factor that would affect us here. >> >> stephen: it seems to make a difference in south carolina. >> it is the difference. >> stephen: this referendum about corporate personhood got kicked off the ballot. we're trying to challenge that ruling. we're trying to get these referendums put back on the ballot so the people of south carolina can decide whether

corporations are people or whether people are just people. so why is it important to you to prove that corporations are people? >> well, actually, with all due respect, we would disagree with your position that corporations are people. we think people are people. >> stephen: you only say that because you're a people. that seems kind of racist of you. >> the constitution of the supreme court guarantees that. don't they get a trial by a jury of their peers and the gecko or geico from the jury box it sittg there? how long do you carry this. >> i think corporations should carry guns and get married. can you challenge this ruling? do you have standing in this case? >> we have standing. we filed a petition this week. >> stephen: waited a second. you're a democrat. how can you have standing in

south carolina? i thought the republicans make you live under the stairs like harry potter. >> we've asserted ourselves for you. we're fighting for your rights. >> stephen: so what's happened so far? >> we filed the petition. >> stephen: that's it? >> yep. >> stephen: okay. so do you think that we'll get a rehearing on this issue? >> [long exhail] >> >> stephen: wow. you really are a democrat. i don't know why you guys don't do better in south carolina. >> you make a appointment perhaps i ought to decide things. >> stephen: if you get a rehearing and we win the rehearing, will this recommend rough and all the other referenda go back on the ballot? >> i think there is a significant chance the republicans could put it back on their ballot. >> stephen: what if the republicans don't put it on. could the democrats issue a referendum if i paid for it?

>> if you paid for it? >> stephen: yeah. >> oh, absolutely. >> stephen: i like that. are you ready to make history, people? [cheering and applause] [cheering and let's do it. south carolina's democratic chairman. we'll be right back. >> stephen: welcome back,

everybody. thank you so much.

folks, please, sit down. folks, the cain train has been permanently derailed and now the question on everyone's minds is who is next. and what form of transportation will they compare themselves to? i can't wait to see whether santorum or perry will be the first to claim the rickshaw. you see, there's a lot of talk out there about jon huntsman now thanks to a recent huge ad buy in new hampshire. >> him. >> the world is literally collapsing and no one has shown up we can trust as a conservative. >> who actually has a chance to win. >> our government's flabby, bloated and weak. why haven't we heard of this guy? >> stephen: good question, cranky old man in close-up, maybe you haven't heard of this guy because the ad you're in was only recently financed by a big corporate sugar daddy,

literally. >> jon huntsman getting a little monetary help from his dad. >> some of the money that's going towards these ads came from jon huntsman's father. >> his father has deep fathers and is funding the super pac. >> stephen: and daddy can afford that sugar. jon huntsman senior is the billionaire founder of huntsman chemical and the huntsman container corporation, which invented the styrofoam fast food burger clam alcohol as well as the styrofoam in many fast food burgers. now, folks, i've got my own super pac, and i know candidates and super pacs cannot legally coordinate their messaging, luckily jon huntsman and his dad are not coordinating. >> we don't talk about those things. we can't. >> stephen: see. they know the rules. they don't talk about it. they restrict their dinner table conversation to things like, "hey, dad, do you want some more chicken and did you know that

i'm campaigning only in new hampshire where massive ad buy would really be great. pass the peas and the money." plus huntsman hazlett it be known that he does not want to be seen as having an election delivered to him by his father's wealth. he wants to earn it, just like he earned his position of chairman of huntsman corporation working his way up from his first job out of college, vice president. personally, i think jon huntsman should be grateful his dad is going through a super pac because a parent with unlimited cash could make commercials that might be embarrassing, like this. >> america's broken. we need a strong leader like jon huntsman with a proven record of achievement, for instance, at just 18 months, johnny started using the potty all by himself. he's a visionary who could read before he entered preschool. it's not every three-year-old that knows the word.

>> don't forget the christmas pageant. >> karen, i'm talking. >> he was a little wiseman. people forgot all the baby jesus. >> science fair silver medalist. >> so handsome. [laughter] jon huntsman junior, the nicest boy. >> he breast-fed

♪ ♪ ♪ mom? dad? guys? [ engine turns over ] [ engine revs ] ♪ he'll be fine. [ male announcer ] more people

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american to join russia's ballet. ly make sure he stays on point. please welcome david halberg. [cheering and applause] david, thank you so much for joining me. all right, sir. get your defenses up because i'm going the lay into you right now. okay. americans don't defect to go to the bolshoi. the russkies defect to come here. why are you trying the lose us the cold war? >> stephen, the cold war is over. >> stephen: it was until you did this. [laughter] then you handed them a victory. why dance for the bolshoi? >> you know, i love challenge. i love risk. >> stephen: there's nothing risky or challenge in the united states? you want risk, dance on fire. i'd go see that. do the firebird on fire.

>> stephen, for me it was really an opportunity to experience something totally different and russians don't defect anymore, and americans obviously don't defect, so i saw really an opportunity, and someone that... no one has done this before. i'm really the first person to have done this. >> stephen: right, no one has been this much of a traitor to the united states. okay. you are benedict arnold in slightly tighter pants. [laughter] okay. why not dance in an american company? >> i am certainly with an american company. >> who are you with? >> american ballet theater in new york city. i have been with them for ten years. >> stephen: so you're with the american ballet theater and the bolshoi at the same time? >> that's right. >> stephen: so you're a double agent. you're giving away all of our ballet secrets. >> there are american ballet secrets. and i'm happy to share them with russians. the russians have been unbelievably accommodating. they've been so welcoming, so

warm. i was kwai surprised. >> stephen: did you meet vladimir putin? >> no. >> stephen: i bet he's a good dancer. he can do everything. he can scuba dive, he can kill tigers. he can do it all. >> the bolshoi is very much part of the culture there, and political dignitaries are at the ballet all the time. i've had the opportunity to meet a couple of them but not putin yet. >> stephen: let's get down to your origins here. you were born in south dakota. >> born in south dakota. >> stephen: grew up in arizona. >> grew up in phoenix, yeah. >> stephen: what's a guy in south dakota and arizona doing ballet? why aren't you doing the boot-scooting lie dance and eating a chili dog? >> first i saw fred astaire on tv. he was my main inspiration. i was obsessed with him and what he did. he was unbelievably on the silver screen, secondly, as an artist, there is this calling that everyone speak up when you

have... when you love what you do, and for me that is dance. as an artist i had this natural calling. i was never pushed in ballet, forced to be in ballet. it was my own dedication, my own obsession really. and that's true even to today. >> let's talk about dance and obsession. i saw that movie the "black swan." did you see that movie? >> of course. >> stephen: is that true? are all you guys crazy? do you have visions you have feathers coming out of your body all the time? >> if the movie got anything right, it's the fact that we are crazy and dedicated for our art form. >> stephen: also in that movie they are like humping 24/7. okay. did they get that right? >> yeah, i mean, in the movie... >> stephen: let's stop right there. this is a family show. it's family show. we will be right back with a performance by the bolshoi ballet's david halberg. stick around. [cheering and applause]>> steph,

everybody. here now to perform a selection from tchaikovsky's "nutcracker," ladies and gentlemen, david halberg with "he saw."

♪ ♪ [cheering and applause] ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ [cheering and applause] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: good night. captioning sponsored by captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.or