>> stephen: tonight does the dictionary have a liberal bias? well, why else don't they even mention ronald reagan until r? then a new international food crisis. german chocolate cake has invaded polish sausage. and my guest samuel l. jackson is making his broadway debut playing dr. martin luther king, jr.. wow, they have really retooled spider-man. newt gingrich says he's against gay marriage. that explains why it's the only type of marriage he hasn't tried yet. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central

( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. (cheers and applause) good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. good to have you with us. and a merry christmas, nation. and it is about damn time, i got to say. so far this year i have really been letting christmas down. it's my last week of shows before our christmas break and i have been soarly remiss in my bell jingling, my yule logging and my angel

harking so i'm making up for it tonight. i'm cramming a full advent's worth of cheer on to my set. jimmy let's deck my halls, buddy boy. all right, look at all this good stuff. (cheers and applause) i got a great deal-- i have got a great deal on all this stuff. the trick is you take one thing from each lawn you pass on your way to work. now first i've got my wreath down here and of course my christmas balances. actual size. and over there i've got my three wisemen, melthior, balthazar and abominable. of course you remember the true meaning of the season. i have a nativity scene with my peabody where the baby jesus would be. but i want to stress this is accurate to what the manager would look like if jesus had won a peabody award.

(laughter) >> stephen: an of course, folks, no christmas would be complete without mistle toe. (cheers and applause) oh boy, oh boy. oh, hey. hi there. later. (laughter) so merry christmas, everybody. to all my jewish viewers, happy jesus's birthday. (laughter) nation, folks there are three kinds of people in this world. those who can count, and those who can't. this is tip of the hat wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up, folks, the latest edition of the so-called american heritage dictionary has added one of my favorite words. anchor baby which they accurately defined as a child born to a non-citizen moth another a country that

grants automatic citizenship to children born on its soil, especially such a child born to parents seeking to secure eventual citizenship. much more accurate than wikipedia which defines them as a child born to a non-citizen moth never a country that ron paul's-- 2012, ron paul 2012, ron paul 2012. but now, folks, after a complaint by the immigration policy center, a group that supports the far left radical idea of having immigrants, the dictionary has add the word offensive and redefined anchor baby as a disparaging term. which is why i'm giving a wag of my finger to the lexi-qou ards at the american heritage dictionary. folks there is nothing offensive about the term anchor baby. as illegal immigration opponents bob dain told fox news, what's offensive about anchor baby isn't the term, but the practice of having a baby on our soil to game the

system. damn straight. it's not the word anchor baby that's offensive, it's the act. same thing with chinese fire drills. why are those orientals always trying to delay traffic at our intersections? well now-- i'm writing that down-- well now that anchor baby has been declared offensive i hold little hope for my submission grappling baby. known, the all too common o concerns of a pregnant woman in mexico aiming her birth canal at america to launch her baby over the border so that she can climb in using the umbilical cord. and folks, folks-- (applause) >> stephen: if you don't think this is happening, if you don't think this is happening you are living in a dream world. that's why i'm calling on the department of homeland security to deploy thousands of volleyball players to the border to spike these little

criminals back to mexico. point, america. next up, folks, we are just 22 days away from the iowa caucus. and newt gingrich has a double digit lead. baffling the washington predicto, but folks i'm not surprised. he has got a good head on his shoulders, and a lot of it. plus, he's not afraid to think of new ways to make us all afraid. so i'm giving a big tip of my hat to newt gingrich for repeatedly alerting the nation to an underreported threat, the electromagnetic pulse. >> electromagnetic pulse is essentially a peculiarly sized nuclear device that becomes a giant lightning strike. it knocks out all the electrical appliances, the electromagnetic pulse attack was literally destroy the country's capacity to function. >> yes, an electromagnetic pulse would disable all electrons devices, all computers. the entire power grid shut down leaving to the

unthinkable. we would have to listen to those amish bastards say, we told you so. now newt is not the only one who is concerned with becoming emp-mageddon. so is her majesty's secret service. >> one single electric light -- >> emp. >> a nuclear device in the upper atmosphere, creates power, a radiation surge that destroy its everything with an electronic circuit. >> stephen: yes, bond, james bond. agrees with gingrich. newt gingrich. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and just like bond, gingrich is calm under pressure, a little cocky and is frequently seen with different leading ladies. plus his half million dollar line of credit at tiffanies

proves he knows diamonds are forever. and as david brooks pointed out, newt has called for a permanent lunar colony to exploit the moon's resources. hmmmm, sounds to me like newt is a moon raker. and newt has also pointed out that a mirror system in space could provide the light equivalent of many full moons so there would be no need for nighttime lighting of the highways. hmmmm, hmmmm, giant solar mirrors also seem familiar. >> shining like diamonds in the sky. >> stephen: let the plot die another day. no, wait, wait, jimmy, it just occurred to me, all those schemes were from the

villains. that means gingrich isn't bond, he's blofeld! (cheers and applause) tip of my hat, you know he's in the top 1%. which means he's creating jobs for all those evil henchmen. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause) >> welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. thank you. nation, while the presidential race is the big news here in america, europe is facing a crisis that cannot be ignored. of course i'm referring to norway's tripling butter shortage. jim. >> the entire nation of norway is now facing a butter crisis thanks to a popular new low car be fat-rich diet. we're told expect butter sales soaring 20% there in october and 30% last month. now the country's entire stockpile is gone. >> stephen: norway has no butter. and they have no hope of rebuilding their butter reserves, considering how long it takes to milk a reindeer. they keep flying away.

but the most shocking part of the story is that they're going crazy over a high fat low car be diet. clearly norway has just discovered at kins. how big is that time difference? i just hope they're prepared for y2k. but folks, it's definitely better than their last fad diet, the nor wedgean herring glenns where you eat herring once then swear off food forever. now with butter going as high as $740 a box, it is no surprise that on friday a russian man was caught trying to smuggle 90 kilos over the swedish border into norway, 90 kilos of butter. for of roughly the equivalent of one cinnabon. now brace yourself, norway, because are you about to be overrun by the butter cartels. desperate butter mules will

be swallowing condoms filled with land o lakes and pushing them on the streets of oslo to spread heads tweaking on short bread. butter king pens will be meeting by the docks to move bails of fresh churned golden cow, then testing its purity in the back of a truck by baking apple turnovers. things are going to get ugly and delicious. well, in their time of need let me just say to all my norwegian viewers, in your face, america wins again. because we live in a butter-toppia. we've got stick butter, tubbed butter, whipped butter, honey butter and spray butter. we've so many goddamn kinds of butter that we have produced a product called i can't believe it's not butter. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: because if you pick up random object in the united states, there's a

good chance it's butter. at our state fairs we carve butter into historical figures. we deep-fry entire sticks of butter in other butter. but of course if you are talking about pure, una dull traded butter flavor i believe you cannot beat it fresh on the cub. hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. i tell you what, tell you what, norway, that could use some more butter. hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and you know what, i can feel the pounds just melting off. you know this will be a good time for, a commercial break. we'll be right back.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. merry christmas. merry christmas to everybody. my guest tonight, starred in over 100 films including "pulp fiction" and it's making its broadway debut playing dr. martin luther king, jr.. in france they call civil rights a-- with rights. please welcome samuel l. jackson. (cheers and applause)

hey. >> did i catch new the middle of a phone call? i don't want sfwourpt you if you are a busy man. >> i was tweeting your audience out there, a twitter feed. >> stephen: oh really? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now thank you so much for coming on. we've never met before. >> no, we have not. >> stephen: no, we've never met before that sounds like the beginning of a magic act, now we have never met before. i'm a big fan. >> thank you. >> stephen: i have loved your work ever since, really "jurassic park", that is when i first became aware of you is that you were the one computer programmer who was not a jerk. >> thank you. >> stephen: do you get eaten in that. >> yes, i did. only my arm is left at the end of this that film. >> stephen: wow, that is some solid acting. you have been in over 100 films and now you are making your broadway debut in the mountaintop. >> yes. >> stephen: all right, this is a play about martin luther king.

it's the night -- >> last night of his life, night before he is assassinated. >> stephen: he has just given the i have been to the mountaintop speech. >> yes. >> stephen: can i take issue with you for a second. >> go ahead, knock yourself out. >> stephen: my understanding is this play humanizes king. >> okay. >> stephen: why, why would you want to humanize a hero like that? it's martin luther king, not martin luther human. >> i feel you, i feel you, i get that, i get that. >> stephen: don't we need larger-than-life figures? >> well, we have heroes but we look at them, we see them giving speeches. we have this hugena new memorial and everything else. >> stephen: on the mall, i have seen that been there it's beautiful. >> did you like that t didn't look kind of asian to you. >> i'm sorry. >> stephen: i don't see race. >> yes, dow. >> stephen: no i do not see race. >> you don't see race. >> stephen: i don't he are you a black man?

>> no, but i heard about the grapple baby, that looked pretty racist to me. >> stephen: no, no, no, no. no, nor, i see nationality, that's different. >> okay, all right. so we're actually educating young people and i guess other people to the fact that dr. king was under a lot of pressure as that icon that you love so much. >> stephen: absolutely. >> that had fears. he was very knowledgeable about of his imminent death. he knew he was being followed and harassed by the fbi. he was a loving family man who spend a lot of time away from his family. sow spent a lot of time on the phone talking to them. and we just want people to know that the sacrifice he made was a great one, as an individual, and not just-- there have only been a few people like him on the

planet, right, agree with that, right. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i think he is an extraordinary man, extraordinary man. >> nd you got jesus, gandhi, martin luther king. >> stephen: ronald reagan. >> ronald reagan i-- . >> stephen: are you, by the way, this is a serious question i asked before, are you an african-american because as i said, i took king's lesson to heart and i don't see the color of everyone's skin. i only see the content of their character. >> really? >> stephen: yeah. >> awesome. unfortunately, i don't have that luxury. >> stephen: really? >> no, no i'm not a racist but i see race because i want to identify what's going on and cultural background is very important. >> stephen: we talk about race. we make it, we make racism worse. >> well, i means that's like saying-- what? (laughter) >> i like the way you bind yourself to that. >> stephen: well, i have to. because racism is so

tempting. >> really? >> stephen: oh, absolutely, racive. is so tempting because if i get to say here is me and my group and we're great and your group isn't as good as my group, that is a very seductive feeling, that i don't have to do anything to be better, i can just say i am better by the virtue of my race. it's a very lazy way of thinking. >> really. >> stephen: so i have to blind myself to the reality of people's skin color so i have to earn the fact that i'm better than everyone. see, and again you haven't told me whether you are a black person or not. and you know what, that's your right. that's your right to not tell me, if that's something that you don't want me to know, that says something very interesting about you. >> i'm not black, white or anything. i'm a movie star. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well that-- tha

that-- that is one group i wouldn't mind belonging to. does that feel good? >> totally dope. you have no idea. it's a feeling i can't explain to anybody. i try and act like it's not a big deal. but it's a pretty big [bleep] deal! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: but you're on broadway with the great angela bassett. >> yes. >> stephen: how does it feel to be a broadway star? >> its phenomenal. i did theatre for 19, 20 years before i got discovered. and there's nothing like the feeling of being in front of a live audience and sharing the energy. like being with these guys. (cheers and applause) >> the live, the sharing of energy between us. >> stephen: i want to see what that is like. i think these guys are the greatest audience in the

world. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that does feel fantastic. >> so what i am trying to find out though is it's not a word. i'm going to say this anyway. so-- because your mom was a freedom marcher. >> stephen: my mother was at the march on washington in 1963. >> really? all right. >> stephen: and you were inside the womb. >> stephen: yes, she was pregnant with me, you got all these nonracial viewings. >> i think that's yes don't see-- that i soak in king's dream. >> through the waffle of the placenta. >> right on, right on, right on. >> all right. >> and where was your dad. >> stephen: if you weren't there yet. >> where was your dad. >> stephen: he was working. he was working. oh, i see you are implying that my mother was married to a classman,-- you are implying that my mother was

married to a black man. >> i can feel that. >> stephen: that is the vibe you are getting off me. >> i can tell you got rhythm. >> stephen: that's the content, listen, as a possible half black man, i am offended. (laughter) >> stephen: samuel l. jackson, thank you so much. (cheers and applause) samuel l. jackson now appearing on broadway on the mounto ♪ ♪

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