(cheers and applause). >> jon: tomorrow night at 11:00... oh, my eyes are going blank. melody barnes, the white house director of (mumbling) will be on this program to discuss various (mumbling) here it is. your moment of zen. >> i'm hoping that i can possibly talk alaska into letting me get her eyelashes dyed since they are so pale. it would make your lashes, like, just pop out. i don't know, it's your decision. >> okay, t captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

>> stephen: tonight, a new challenge for the occupy movement: what else rimes with hey, hey, ho, ho? (laughter) then i am caught in a plagiarism scandal. listen, if the cops show up, call me ishmael. and my guest, mark whitaker, is the executive v.p. of cnn worldwide. i'll ask him if there are any plans to release wolf blitzer back into the wild. an italian woman left $13 million to her cat! well... hello! (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )

( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, folks, i'm going to tell you, when i hear you people chanting my name, you make me feel like a princess. (laughter) nation, let's get right to it because i have got huge breaking news. you're going to want to sit down to here this. if you're already sitting down, please stand up and then sit down again. are you reseatd? good. because i have some shocking news about donald trump's december 27 debate.

>> i've got about four people in my ear telling me that we've been able to confirm donald trump is out. he's fired himself, he's not going to moderate that debate december 27. >> all right, hold on. i've got four people in my ear, i've got two people in my lungs and one guy crawling up my ass to tell me the same thing. (laughter) and this just in. i can con narpl the donald the trump has pulled out of his own debate that all but two of the candidates had already pulled out of. (laughter) folks, this will be hugely embarrassing for trump if that were an emotion he were capable of feeling. now i assume the date conflicted with tramp's annual full-body gold leafing. but it turns out he has canceled for a more important reason. jim? >> in a statement, trump says he's pulling out to a avoid a conflict of interest for the republican party because he won't rule out independent runs!

>> the head of the republican party said that really it's inappropriate and he said it fairly strongly and i have a relationship with him. in fact, they had their biggest and most successful fund-raiser at my club in washington. they said it's inappropriate to be doing this, to be having the republicans show up to a debate where donald trump is the moderator if donald trump is going to run or even potentially run as an independent candidate. >> stephen: as an independent. i don't know. i mean, i think he should run in the republican party, although it might make more sense if he ran as a wig. (laughter) hey-o! michael, please, this is important. folks, i would be lying if i didn't say i saw this coming. donald trump is a friend, he's my best friend. number one best greatest friend of all time. we race yachts, we trade mistresses, i call him trump card, he calls me cold beer. that said, the guy's a boob.

he looks like a tan jell-o had sex with an old dish rag. (laughter) and i can say that because i love this man. and to honor the memory of trump mattering, it is more important than ever that tonight i reannounce my stephen colbert's south carolina serious classy republican debate. (cheers and applause) a lot of excitement. i didn't have to say that. we've set the date late to mid-january, mark your calendar. there's been tremendous interest so far, huge massive pendulous interest. everybody's talking about my debate. salon, daily beast, npr, the "philadelphia inquirer", pass mark circular. (laughter) and now it's going to be even bigger than ever with rick santorum and newt gingrich free from their commitment to trump. you still have a home in my debate, boys, i am delighted about newt. i am less delighted about santorum but still solid delight across the board.

okay, now the debate is going to be on a new network. it's going to be on animal planet. (laughter) now i am getting... i am getting some hot heat from national geographic. nat geo, natty g, they have the most natural sun scorched racks. the primo number one classiest tittys in anthropology. (cheers and applause) they're very nice. they're very nice. we're going to hold the entire thing at a zoo in the polar bear enclosure, let the polar bear pick the winner. all the candidates get pre-rubed with salmon. the finest say bars, lower prices. candidates, call me, write me, send an ed edible arrangement in the shape of the words "i'm in." note, no cantaloupe, honey dew only, melon of kings. moving on, nation,... (applause) everyone's excited about it. it's happenmenting, bank on it.

nation, it's almost the three-month anniversary of occupy wall street and i would buy these guys a cake but they'd probably just complained about the icing inequality between the top and the bottom layer. (laughter) but now they've been kicked out of our parks. i thought the drum circle pity party was over. but they've moved on to occupying something much more important-- our t.v. shows. jim? >> occupy wall street protesters shut down filming for the hit nbc t.v. show "law and order s.v.u." >> the show was getting ready to shoot an episode based on the occupy movement. t.v. crews even filmed a fake occupy camp but the real protest swarmed the t.v. set. >> whose state park? our state park! >> stephen: hey, why are you attacking "law and order"? that show is clearly part of the 99%-- of t.n.t.'s programming. (laughter) folks, just like in law and order there is a second victim-- the taxpayer. because it took 100 police officers to evict the heavily

unarmed protesters from the set. these nationwide demonstrations are expensive. just look at the generous portions of pepper spray and the billy club they are handing out. it's an all you can beat buffet! (laughter) but fortunately, there's a way to pay for these protests and it brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) let them buy cake. wisconsin governor and t.c.b.y. employee of the month scott walker knows all about protests. back in february, after he cut collective bargaining rights for public employees there were massive protests that walkers administration says caused $7.5 million worth of damage-- a figure that was later slightly modified to $270,000. (laughter) hey, they just rounded to the nearest $7.5 million.

well, cocover the cost of those demonstrations walker is now implementing a bold new policy which will require protesters to pay for the right to protest. $50 per hour per capital police officer. $50! for a cop! i say that's a bargain! i mean, this visionary initiative... this initiative will be phased in by december 16-- just in time for christmas. and, folks, walker's policy stands on firm constitutional ground after all, we all know freedom isn't free so it's logical that freedom of speech would cost money. i mean, if you think about it we wouldn't have a budget problem if we had been charging protesters all along. the government could have made a bundle off those hippies during vietnam! now i know... (laughter) i know what some of you 99%ers are thinking. how can poor folk afford to

exercise their constitutional rights? simple: the same way anyone pays for anything in america. corporate sponsorship. you see, one of the things... one of the things that they're protesting is a supreme court ruling that money equals speech. and let's face it. corporations can afford a ton of speech! corporations already fund sports stadiums, parade floats, even late-night television shows. which reminds me, i am parched. : ahh. (laughter) nothing about these protests would have to change. i mean, what's a tent but a live-in billboard. just slap a logo on there.

this protest at bank of america brought to you buy bank of america! that's win-win. and with enough corporate cash... (laughter) protesters could afford to protest this new pay-for-protesting policy. which i would recommend. because this law proves that people may have the right to free speech. but only money talks. that's the word. we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. you're very kind. welcome back. nation, i amman enough to admit when i am wrong. never happened before, but that's the theory. (laughter) that makes this so difficult. last week, my coverage of a vital news story was called into question by one of the most respected authoritative institutions in all of journal-- the ridiculist presented by seen then anchor and casper american anderson cooper. cnn, of course, the most trusted name in news and the rdidiculist a time honored staple in

journal. the font alone screams gravitas. it is the same type face used by edward r. murrow used during the bombing of london. (laughter) now anderson rightfully took me to task for a story i did on december 5 about a religious conspiracy theorist who claims to see fall phalluss in the denver international airport's at work. >> time now for the ridiculist. colbert did a story about what's going on in the denver international airport. >> what is going on in denver? no one has been able to crack the code-- until you. >> phallic symbol. phallic phallic phallic phallic. shaved phallic. somebody's butt. >> i did the story three different times six months ago on the ridicculist in june. that's when i did it. june. i hate to say this, mr. colbert, you, sir, are about six months

tardy to this particular phallus party. (audience reacts) >> gachl. and it was foolish of me to believe that even on my best day i could beat anderson cooper to a phallus party. (laughter) i'm sorry. i'm sorry. (cheers and applause) that's journalisticettes 10 1. once a news organization covers a story, it is off limits to every other organization! that's why after woodward and bernstein broke the watergate story, for the next six months the "new york times" simply ran the headline: see "washington post." (laughter) ander son cooper, apologize for riding your phallus tails. i know how painful that must be. from now on i will cover only stories that you do not-- starting with the shocking story

anderson cooper doesn't want you to know about. the phallic imagery on a.c. 3660. for more, let's head over to the phallus finder 9600. (cheers and applause) welcome to the phallus finder 9600 where sometimes a cigar is just a brown dry phallus that looks like a singh car. follow me down the rabbit hole to find phallus in wonderland. now, here is a screen grab of anderson cooper's attack on me. but, what's this? a phallus. (laughter) a phallus. a phallus. a phallus. (laughter) phallus. phallus. phallus. phallus.

phallus. (applause) phallus. another phallus. phallus. phallus. phallus. phallus. phallus. i rest my case. (applause) so, anderson cooper, i await your response. when i see you at the phallus party. do not be tardy-- also, what do i wear? (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight, the managing

editor of cnn worldwide has just released a new memoir "my long trip home." great, now i know how it ends. please welcome mark whitaker. (cheers and applause) mr. whitaker, thanks so much for coming on. you'll be able to answer this question before we go on. you're the managing editor of cnn worldwide why does anderson cooper have so many phalluss on his set? you saw that! well, you know his ratings are up. >> stephen: (laughs) oh, really. will they last for four hours, though? (applause) >> stephen: managing editor of cnn worldwide. what's the difference between cnn and worldwide? aren't they both worldwide? >> well, cnn worldwide is the parent company of the domestic network but also the international network and our digital....

>> stephen: why have an international network? you guys, most trusted name in news, right? >> right. >> stephen: knowledge is power. why give our news to people in other countries? (laughter) why not keep that precious resource for america so we stay a superpower? >> well, we also think that it's important for americans to know something about what's going on around the rest of the world. >> stephen: defend that statement. (laughter) >> well, look what's happening in europe right now. >> stephen: i don't know. i don't care. >> there's a financial crisis that if it went the wrong way it would mean the money in your savings account might disappear. >> stephen: that's why i use kag rands. >> there's the arab spring. krugerrands. it might affect our vulnerability to terrorism. so i think we're connected with the rest of the world. >> stephen: not just cnn, you used to be the managing editor

of "newsweek". >> i was. >> stephen: okay. for some of my younger viewers, what was a magazine? (laughter) >> a magazine was this thing between covers that you could leaf through where we did reporting about politics, we did investigative reportings. >> stephen: like a printed i had? >> and i've saved copys so my grandchildren will believe it. >> stephen: you've moved on to a memoir. your book is called "my long trip home. a family memoir." you're the product of a biracial marriage. your mother was a white woman from france, your father an african american, a giant in academia. you... air some dirty laundry in here about your family. as the product of a biracial family, don't you have a responsibility to say everything was just hukky dory?

(laughter) >> for a long time people who knew my parents-- my father came from segregated black pittsburgh became as you said a ground breaking scholar of africa. the first black ph.d. in politics from princeton. my mother came from france during the nazi occupation on a boat 14 years old with five younger sisters, refugees. her father, my french grandfather, helped hide thousands of jews from the nazis during the war. and they would say, you know, you should write a book about this. but, you know, i also knew there was an unhappier part of the story that happened after my parents got divorced, my mother had to struggle as a single mother, my father became an alcoholic. i became obese. >> stephen: you became obese? >> i became obese. >> stephen: so you're airing enormous dirty laundry. (laughter) >> but the story is about how we all recovered from that and we eventually reached reconciliation and forgiveness. it's interesting, now that the

book is out it's that part of the story that a lot of people are connecting to. >> stephen: did you feel like as a child of parents who perhaps were not perfect, do you feel like you are betraying them in some way? because i wouldn't want my kids to write things about me that... in wasn't in the most glowing terms. and i want to be very clear about that. (laughter) >> i consider a book to a tribute to my parents. my mother was the source. my father... i started writing this book after my father passeded away. in fact, it was a year after he passed away to the day to the hour that i woke up in the middle of the night and decided that i wanted to write the story. i wrote to entire book without having an advance or anything like that. i just felt that i had to do it. but my mother was a source for the book and she willingly talked about all these things and when i sent her the third draft she finally said "well, this isn't badly written, either."

(laughter) >> stephen: you said "yes, mother, i happen to be one of the leading lights of american journalist." >> she's a french literature professor so it's high prize for her. >> stephen: do you feel growing up... i want to get back to the idea of being the sewn of a biracial couple. did awful special responsibility to be a good or exceptional or to be representative of something? >> i felt-- and i think my younger brother felt-- like aliens. we didn't know anybody else who was mixed race but i... you know it's interesting because i think you see... the story of the family unfolds but you also see the story of america unfold. from a point where at the beginning of a book these two people meet and marry at a time when interracial marriage is still illegal in most states in new york the end of the book where just before my father has died a mixed race man is elected president of the united states. so it's a family story but also the story of the country. >> stephen: thank you so much

for sharng. mark whitaker, the book is "my long trip home." we'll be right back. (cheers and @@@@