join us tomorrow night at 11:00. your moment of zen. >> shaking hands with folks in medfield. beautiful place, quite a crowd today. >> how do you like this music? >> well, i likecaptioning sponsy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.or

>> stephen: tonight a new alternative to vaccines. suck it up and walk off that rubella. and rick perry unveils a new ad. i've never seen so much coyote blood. (laughter) >> stephen: then i sit down with notorious lobbyist jack abramoff who has written a new book about washington corruption. it's the perfect gift if you want to launder $26. vladimir putin has accused hillary clinton of instigating protests in russia. why don't they just do it already. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's right. i have actually never had an audience, i have never in all my born days had an audience chant the word "steve" (laughter) >> stephen: that's a little familiar. nation, you know me. i don't want to cause any panic but fur's not currently panicking that is reason enough to freak out. because our country is under constant threat from terrorists. i don't know who, but someone keeps dumping suspicious white powder on my lawn every winter. (laughter) >> stephen: luckily, folk, the department of homeland security is hard at work keeping us safe, especially the terrorist's number one target, western michigan it is like a mitten of death

pointed right at the heart of southern ontario. an islamic fundamentalists you know would love nothing more than to attack battle creek and take out our strategic reserve of frooted loops. (laughter) >> stephen: well, luckily, homeland security has provided ample funding to protect the terrified residents of the wolverine state. for more, we turn to fox new's senior anchor with play mobile hair, brett baier. >> 13 counties in the region have received $900 sno-cone machines courtesy of a homeland security grant. local media references state document claiming the machines have a variety of uses, among them making ice to treat injures. and prevent heat related illnesses during emergencies. and to provide sno-cones during promotional events. >> stephen: sno-cones! take that al qaeda! you see, al qaeda's from the desert. they've got no defense against snow, especially in

cone form. but the soft on terror-crats are mischaracterizing these machines as a frivolous waste of tax money so local michigan official david feldspausch set the record straight, quote. i don't like the term sno-cone machines because it sounds horrible. when you look at it as an iced shaving machine and its purpose, it makes a little more sense. yes, it is not a sno-cone machine t is an iced shaving machine. just like that excuse isn't bull [bleep], it's night rate rich budget fertilizer. he is not the only one defending this vital expenditure. for more we turn to wood-8 western michigan's finest news source. >> the justification for buying the sno-cone makers is medical rather than recognize vacation-- recreational. >> it does provide a means for ice packs for responders,

for volunteers to stay hydrated in a different way than just bottled water. >> stephen: that's right. it could supply first responders with much needed water and just as important leer, much needed banana-berry flavouring. and folks, that's not all it does. >> local emergency management agencies can also use the sno-cone machines as an attraction at public events when they are trying to attract volunteers. >> stephen: yes. it is an attraction for volunteers. would you like to risk your life battling terrorists for no money? what if i offered you a sno-cone? huh? nice? (cheers and applause) if anything, folks t is time to make more of these purchases. there is no reason that fighting terror can't be fun. as long as you frame it properly. for instance, this is not a cotton candy machine, it is a high-speed sucrose

centrifuge. than may look like a water slide but it is really a high drawallically actuated low friction body transport. the most effective way to deliver first responders to the injured if they happen to be in the splash pool. and this is not a bouncey castle t is an inflatable bouncey gitmo, which can be used to detain enemy combatants. first we load them up with cotton candy and then we make them feel barfy in the tum tum. nothing about that in the geneva conventions. now nation, you know in this tough economic times, you can be thankful you still have your health. and if you do not have your health, at least you won't be poor much longer. this is cheating death with dr. stephen t colbert, dfa. (cheers and applause) as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals.

prescott, not our fault since 1922. first up, vaccinations. >> ouch! >> stephen: in 1998 the british medical journal the lance et published a study that found that mercury preservatives in common vaccines could cause autism in children. as a result, today in eight different states more than one in 20 kindergartener does not get the required vaccinations. now the lance et has since declared the study an elaborate fraud. but how you can trust the lance et. they have a history of publishing fraudulent studies. so clearly vaccines are dangerous. luckily, some parents have found a safer alternative. >> a group of parents reportedly intentionally infecting their kids with the chicken pox virus. members with infected children are reportedly sending infected lollipops and saliva through the mail. >> then a healthy kid would lick t get chicken pox and wouldn't need to get the vaccine. >> stephen: yes, chicken pox

lollipops. it's got the delicious taste kids love with the proven effectiveness of something licked by a stranger. and they are guaranteed not to harm your kid's mental development. although if you are giving them mail-order lollipops licked by a stranger, your kids mental development may not be the main concern. (laughter) now unfortunately-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: unfortunately, folks, the government is taking this candy from our babies. >> well, not only do doctors say it is dangerous and crazy, u.s. attorneys say it's illegal. at least the part about sending virus-laden lollipops across statelines. >> stephen: oh, where do the regulations end? today we can't infect our kids with mail-order pox pops. tomorrow we can't fedex each other tainted meat lozenges. there go my christmas presents. now i will say this much, folks, you should never take

diseased candy from a stranger. instead, get it from prescott pharmaceuticals who are proud to introduce vacsa-iumees, a new line of infectious confections produced under the strictest laboratory company, mainly rubbing them on a subway pole. your kids will scream for and because of contagious treats like junior mint-ingitis. m-and embolisms. and goobers. side effects of vacsa-iumees may include conjunction junk difficultity is, shin squints and win, lupus or draw. next up, got help-- folks, the-- didn't expect that part. folks, the small intestine

is home to over 700 different species of beneficial bacteria. which is why come tax season i claim them all as dependents. but in rare cases people's good bacteria can die out at the hand its of harmful bacteria with dire consequences. >> allen was so sick, she couldn't eat for almost a year. all she could stomach were crackers and water. >> stephen: yes, crackers and water. os as mitt romney calls it, ethnic food. (laughter) >> stephen: so folks, just when doctors-- just when doctors thought there was no cure, they saw a light at the end of the colon. >> dr. dutta was willing to try something radical. something that has never been done before at his hospital, a fecal transplant. >> stephen: that's right, a fecal transplant. it's like a heart transplant but poop. (laughter) >> stephen: it turns out another person's feces can

restore your good bacteria. of course the treatment has its draw backs. >> poop, it smells like poop, you know, then you actually have to introduce it into the patient so, we had to go through the mouth. >> stephen: yes. it is official. doctors can now white you a prescription to eat [bleep] and live. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, folks, this got prescott thinking, if feces can help cure disease what about all of our other bodily wastes that is why prescott is proud to introduce vacsa-you-don't-want-to-know it is an all in one blend of every fluid, flake, froth and crust that seeps from or falls off a human body. it's got everything you can dream of, plus some things only the producers of saw

have dreamt of. but just say that here the poop is the in-active ingredient. side effects of vacs vacsa-you-don't-want-to-know include, you really don't want to know. well, that's it for cheating death brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. remember our motto wa, doesn't kill you, only makes you a repeat customer. until next time, i'll see you in health. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> welcome back, everybody. nation, the race for the gop presidential nomination is far from over. newt gingrich may be the front-runner now but by the looks of him he might get winded if there are stairs involved. the point is, it is still anybody's game here because my man rick perry just released a great new ad, jim?

>> i'm not ashamed to admit that i'm a christian. but you don't need to be in the pew every sunday to know that there is something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, when our kids can't openly celebrate christmas. >> stephen: yes. governor perry-- ooh, i agree. governor perry is right. thanks to the gays, our children can't openly celebrate the birth of our saviour in school, and yet these gays in the military can openly celebrate their favorite holiday, being away from their family, risking their lives in afghanistan. well, i for one-- am offended. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i for one am offended by those that would condemn the christmas lifestyle. they don't understand that unlike being gay, loving christmas is not a choice. (laughter) >> stephen: i was attracted to christmas at a very early age. i didn't totally understand

it but it got me very excited. i remember looking at a present and just aching for it. i saw a gingerbread man and i wanted him in my mouth. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, it wasn't until i moved to new york and saw the macy's pride parade that i had the courage to throw on my thigh high candy cane stocks and proudly chant we're here. we like reindeer, get used to it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i just pray, i just pray for a day when cringe el-americans feel free to don we now our gay apparel. well nation, like rick perry, around here we are not ashamed of who we are. we at the report want the world to know just how much we truly love christmas. boys, get out here! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: look at that. not one santa's helper but

two. all right. fellas, are you ready to get your sleigh bells jingling. >> most definitely. >> stephen: jimmy, drop the mistle toe. (cheers and applause) >> oh yeah. oh yeah, so many sugar plumbs are dancing. in your face, gays. governor perry, you're welcome. we'll be right back. go for it! (cheers and applause)

is. >> welcome backs, everybody. my guest tonight is a former lobbyist who served three and a half years in federal prison. i hope he knows this visit is not con ju gal. please welcome jack abramoff.

(cheers and applause) >> thank you, thank you very much. mr. abramoff, nice to finally meet you. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: boy oh boy, okay, so remind everybody who jack abramoff is, all right. or was because you are a changed man, correct. >> that's right, yes mi. >> stephen: you are a former lobbyist and businessman. you became a poster boy for washington, d.c. corruption. you served three and a half years for fraud and conspiracy and your new book is called capital punishment, the hard truth about washington corruption for america's most notorious lobbyist. what was it you were doing that made you so notorious? >> well, i was a lobbyist for openers. and i was-- . >> stephen: that is a legal enterprise it is legal -- >> it is legal. >> stephen: it is legal to be a lobbyist. >> most of the not rye et and things that-- not right

are legal, most of what i did was legal. i crossed a few lines and did things that are illegal, and was punished for it. >> stephen: like for instance, one thing did you was you lobbied for indian casinos. >> right. >> stephen: but then misappropriated that money for other purpose. that is one of the things that got you in -- >> not quite, but close. >> stephen: did you steal from indians. >> no. >> stephen: did you not steal from indians. >> no. >> stephen: because that is one of the founding principleses of our nation. (applause) >> i guess that's not a crime. that's more of a historical reenactment. i am a huge fan of some of your early work. because i agree with the supreme court that money equals speech and weren't you by spreading gifts around congress, you took people on golf trips. what else would you do to get in favor with a congressman or the congress's office. >> mules, taking them out

traveling. take them to sporting events. i bought about a million and a half dollars a year worth of sporting tickets which my staff and i gave out to members of congress and staff. >> stephen: do you think it was bad what you mr. doing. >> absolutely, yeah. >> stephen: what was bad about it? >> what is bad is that basically we were lobbying and what we were doing-- . >> stephen: but lobbying, lobbyists inform members of congress about the industries. >> correct. >> stephen: , the legislation that congress is passing will affect. who better to write our legislation. >> than lobbyists. >> stephen: right. >> indeed. >> stephen: they know what they are talk being. we know congress, the government can't do anything. >> right, they can barely read the legislation which is actually very convenient for lobbyists. >> stephen: they don't. >> they don't have time. >> stephen: so what's really wrong with it? >> what's wrong with it is when money gets involved. when a lobbying is giving money. lobbying is fine, petitioning the government. but when a lobbyist gives money or gives contributions or meals or tickets or prostitutes or whatever lobbyists do, it's a problem. and one goes-- i didn't get

prostitutes. >> stephen: i'm just saying, they came off your lips awfully quick, okay. i tell you what, we sell some books right now if you say that's in there. okay. but money is now officially speech. while you were in jail the supreme court ruled that money just is a-- it's been enschryned as a constitutional right so i mean, don't you feel like you're riding the wrong horse now? >> well, i guess lobbyists don't have a speech impediment if money is speech. >> stephen: they don't, they do it very eloquently. they have a megaphone made of cash. >> right, right, that's the problem. that's the problem for america and hopefully people will wake up. one of the reasons i wrote the book was to show people what's going on in washington. in fact what is going on behind the closed doors that they can't get behind,. >> stephen: what is the most corrupting influence as you see it, as cash? >> well, campaign contributions are immensely corrupting. where a lobbyist, for example, if you were a

congressman, and not to insult you but you if you were a congressman and i were a lobbyist and i wanted to take to you dinner and buy you a hamburger for $25. >> stephen: yes, that is a nice hamburger. >> well, it's washington. so i couldn't do that. you and i couldn't have that meal. that's a gift to you. but if i declared it as a fund-raiser and pulled out of my coat five, $5,000 checks and gave you those, i could still give the hamburger and we could be just fine. that's one of the problems in washington. >> stephen: let me write this down, i can do what? i can do five, $5,000 checks and i get a hamburger for that. >> yes. >> stephen: that is a really expensive hamburger. now what would you expect in return for that? like let's say that happened. the five, $5,000 check, the maximum gift you can give from five doifern different people, plus the hamburger, what will you get back from a congressman. >> what will you get and what lobbyists try get, is loyalty on the part of the congressman to anything the lobbyist that is going to ask for that is reasonable, quote, unquote,. >> stephen: well, come on, be specific. what did you get.

give me an example of something, you would say to yourself i shouldn't have been able to get that but i got it. >> i got a member of congress to introduce language into a reform bill, of all things, to enable a tribe in texas to get a casino. >> stephen: i don't see any problem with that. if-- you used to have a restaurant, right. >> yes. >> stephen: you ever think about reopening that restaurant? (cheers and applause) i hear that was a really nice restaurant. >> well, you know, when i was in prison i worked in the kitchen for part of the time. >> stephen: really. >> so i-- . >> stephen: that sounds like a high-class prison. was it a white collar prison. >> there aren't any white collar prisons any longer. >> stephen: oh, really? >> somebody should lobby to get those back. of course the lobbyists are going to be the ones that end up in there. mr. abramoff, thank you so much for joining me. sorry you went to the other side. jack abramoff, the book is

capital punishment. we'll be right back. -- we'll be right back. (cheers and applau>