than calling papa john's italian food. [cheering and applause] besides... that was good. that was good. besides, miss chinky eyes was asking for it. just look at her real name, minhee cho. "minhee," really? you're telling me that's not playing into the stereotype that asian people are tiny? i mean, they're small, but they're not guatemalan. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> i hope mitt romney can count on your support on tuesday and together we can get our country working again. thank you for your captioning sponsored by comedy central

[cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." [ female announcer ] want to trade your little o for a big o? thank you [audience chanting "stephen"] try k-y brand intense. just a few drops of this unique, scientifically proven formula increase a woman's sensitivity come on. making her big moment feel even bigger. really? i tell you, folks, i couldn't learn more at intenseeffect.com. have seen that coming. [laughter] thank you for joining us, everybody. nation, huge night. the new hampshire primary is finally here. now, i don't know who won. normally i broadcast live at 11:30, but once again i am taping my show at 7:00, sacrificing reporting the hey.everyone, meet my boyfrie!d results of the all-important new that's the guy i was telling you about. hi! i'm diet dr pepper guy. let me get you a drink. hampshire primary so i can get an early start preparing for the even aller-important south wow. i just didn't believe you. oh, i know! carolina primary, which most he thinks a drink as satisfying as has no calories!

experts agree is extremely next. it's true. [laughter] it is just two weeks away, which and diet dr pepper has the 23 flavors you love. means i have to get home to put it just tastes so good! my pig in the smoker tonight. [laughter] the secret to my sauce is to age oh no... it under a waning moon. anyone got a mop? none of that north carolina waxing moon bull [bleeped]. it taints the meat, particularly the taint meat. now, besides, i can already call new hampshire. it was over at midnight when the town of dixville notch, population nine, announced their returns. >> we have a count, and it goes as follows: two votes for jon huntsman and two votes for mitt romney. it's a tie. mitt romney with two, jon huntsman with two. >> stephen: a 2-2 tie. unprecedented. and remember, the winner of the dixville notch has gone on to be the republican nominee in every election since 1960, which must

mean that the 2012 republican nominee will be mitt romney and jon huntsman stitched together in a human centi-g-o-pede. [laughter and applause] you see, the back candidate is stitched on to the front one's let's say dixville notch. the question is, and it's the only question, who will be the head? the smart must be's on romney. actually, all the money's on romney. in fact, romney's only got one tiny vulnerability, the years he spent as a heartless corporate raider at bain capital extracting millions from troubled companies by taking them over, firing their work forecast and then chopping them up to sell the pieces to the highest bidder with no regard for the lives destroyed. [laughter] but that's all the past. everybody. thank you very much. nation, thank you so much. folks, nation, more on new hampshire in a moment, but mitt will breeze to the white house as long as he never first, we turn to the scandal

reminds voters what bain capital engulfing the obama white house, did. >> i like being able to fire a new book ominously called "the people that provide services to obamas." me. it has revealed a shocking [scratching record noise] secret from 2009 the president does not want you to know about. >> stephen: what? >> new controversy over an [scratching record noise] "alice in wonderland"-themed halloween party at 1600 glad i had my turntable here. pennsylvania avenue. >> johnny depp was standing at a table at this party greeting boy, romney really stuck his guests dress as the mad hatter. foot in his mouth with this one, >> they're having "alice in which is the spiciest thing he's wonderland" parties o when the unemployment rate is 9.9% in the eaten in years. and, of course, of course the country. >> this big, decedent, media and the other candidates have jumped on mitt like newt hollywoodesque-type henry viii gingrich on a younger, healthier bash. >> apparently the people at the wife. party were drinking punch out of blood viles. >> it was so exextravagant gantt [applause] that guests drank fruit punch jim? >> on a day that's pretty important for the romney from blood viles. >> stephen: this party was so campaign, he makes one of the biggest gaffes possible and extravagant that managed to anger not one but two doocys. jokes about how much he enjoys firing people. >> it's a deeper comment about how he thinks. >> it gives the impression that tweedle dee and tweedle dooce. he searchly does not carement >> governor romney enjoys firing

people. i enjoy creating jobs. >> huntsmans does have a good [applause] but why? why, folks? i ask you, why are these obscene track record there. for two years he was ambassador details coming to light only now? >> the white house went out of to china, and they've added the way to cover this up, to millions offing jobs. but folks, these attacks are keep this quiet. >> they covered it all up unfair. because of the perception that as romney explains. >> things can always be taken it looked like they were having out of context, but as you know, a good old time at taxpayers' i was speaking about insurance expense. >> here we are with what's a companies. >> stephen: yes, mitt was talking about giving individual minicofferup, if you will, so to citizens the right the fire speak. their insurance companies, which >> yes, an old-fashioned hush would hurt those companies job, if you were, so to speak profit, making them vulnerable to takeover. and as you were. then mitt could enjoy firing and this malice in blunderland those people. in context. continues to deafen. and this taking romney's words about insurance out of context is totally different than when oh, oh. [cheering and applause] romney put out an ad taking thank you. thank you. trademark. obama's words about john oh. and did white house spokesman mccain out of context last november. eric schultz crank up the spin that was fair. as romney explained. machine, saying, "if we wanted >> what's sauce for the goose is this event to be secret, we now sauce for the gander. probably wouldn't have invited >> stephen: yes, sauce for the goose is now sauce for the

the press corpses to cover it, grander. okay. release photos on flickr and and everyone knows you can't put release video on the white house gander sauce back on the goose. web site. it's all gander-y now. well, that's just hiding in plain sight. that's the oldest trick in the if a chef did that to romney's book. of course, all of this begs the obvious question. goose, he would fire him. >> if we didn't know about this, what else is going on in there and enjoy it. that we don't know about? [laughter] >> that's a legitimate question. nation, i'm in no position to >> stephen: yes, it is. judge other people. and, folks, i have heard disturbing rumors that every year they hold a pagan druidic now i am. [laughter] this is "tip of the hat, wag of tree-lighting ceremony, and last the finger." year it was hosted by a [cheering and applause] translewis -- translewis nt fire folks, whoever gets the giant. republican nomination is going dangerous man. to work hard to overturn obama but, folks, one detail of this halloween party that has angered obamacare. now, obviously people are sick out there, so what do we do? me even more than the fact it was held for the children of our luckily republican candidate military is the fact that the rick santorum has the right perspective. at a recent campaign stop, original chewbacca mingled with invited guests. santorum was asked how he feels what the hell is chewie doing in about the "50,000 americans who die every year with no health wonderland? care."

well, rick looked deep inside chewbacca, chewbacca would never sip tea or play croquet using and said, "i reject that number completely, that people die in flamingos as mallets. america because of lack of that is so not canaan. health insurance. people die in america because he is a ferocious wookiee people die in america." you can't argue with that logic smuggler who travels the galaxy, because you can't argue with that logic. never leaving han solo's side but clearly, folks, there is for the life debt when han still a problem with all these people dying. which is why i'm issuing a wag refused to kill chewie at of my finger at dead people. imperial command. i would love to see the queen of hearts try to execution [laughter] for disrespecting the sanctity chewbacca with one snap of those of life by choosing to be dead. mighty paws. it would be off with her head. hey, i got nothing against dead [cheering and applause] people. i come from a long line of dead plus, plus... plus when would he people. find time to leave his home hell, some of my best friends are dead. world of kashyyyk. but when it comes to health, the to join the mad hadder at the dead need to take some personal white house. he doesn't even celebrate responsibility. as santorum continued, people halloween. he celebrates life day with his make poor decisions with respect father itchy, his wife malla and to their health and their health care, and they don't go to the his son lumpy. emergency room or they don't go everybody knows that. to the doctor when they need to. no matter how much george lucas wants us to forget 1978's "the yet if you're dying of cancer, it's your own fault for not star wars holiday special.

going to the doctor, and if you " so these people know that. can't go to the doctor because you don't have insurance, then [cheering and applause] it's your own fault for not having a job. and if you don't have a job because you're dying of cancer, get yourself to a doctor. [record scratches pawrns what is wrong with you? always there. other... [cheering and applause] so... if any obama voters are still clinging to their support of this man, consider this: your other than the cancer obviously. president used his hollywood connections to throw a halloween [laughter] we have a serious health care party for our troops' kids and problem in this country, folks, and dead people are not making it any better by burying their then told us about it. heads and the rest of them in and if that being a scandal doesn't make sense to you, let the sand. i say these so-called sick me put it in more understandable words: people dying just a way to get us to want obamacare. it's all a conspiracy. why do you think they call them 'twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. all mimsy were the borogoves and "cemetery plots"? the mome raths outgrabe. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] finally, folks, i have had it up to here with our overly sensitive, prime minister c.

culture, and but up to here i mean the average height of a guatemalan. [laughter] about right. yeah. that's why i was so angry when i heard this: >> papa john's pizzeria in new york fired the cashier over this racist receipt. if you look closely, you can actually see how an asian american customer is identified as "lady chinky eyes." >> stephen: really? they fired the cashier for that? [laughter] yes, she called her "chinky eye," but lady chinky eyes. that's a sign of respect in the orient. all papa johns was trying to do was make sure the pizza got to the right customer. if they hadn't putten lady chinky eye, it might have ended up in the hands of countess total lesbo or admiral spic butt.

i'm giving a big tip of my hat to papa john's for putting service before sensitivity. calling her lady chinky eyes is no more culturally insensitive ashlee! ashlee! ashlee! ashlee! what were you looking for when you bought your edge? um, i was definitely looking for fuel economy. that's the whole reason we, we wanted to look at the ecoboost. can you talk a little bit about the style of the edge? um, well, i think it's very hip. i even have several guys were like "whoa, do have twenties on those". like, don't even know what that means, but i guess it's cool. (laugh)

everybody. folks, my guest tonight has a new interview show called "moyers and company." i hope that means he's interviewing corporations. please welcome bill moyers. [cheering and applause] mr. moyers, thanks so much for coming on. i've always wanted to meet you. >> same here.

>> stephen: thank you very much. well, i have enjoyed your work ever since the joseph campbell interviews you did. >> 25 years ago. >> stephen: 25 years ago. that's how i found out they was the hero with 1,000 faces. now, sir, we've got the pleasantries out of the way. it's hammer time. all right. >> hammer away. >> stephen: you are often considered like the reasonable man's reasonable man. [laughter] >> somebody has to do it. >> stephen: right. you keep a calm voice. you never attack the guests on your shows. [laughter] and i'm here to call bull [bleeped]. okay. it's all an act. you sandbag and shift people with calmness and facts. how is that any better than what i do? >> you're from the south. you must know the difference between a hoot owl and a scrooch owl. the hoot owl crashes into the

hen house, knocks the hen off the perch, catches it. the scooch owl comes in quietly, gemmily, snuggles up next to the hen, starts talking gently to the hen. the next thing you know, there ain't no hen. i prefer that. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: i would like the see you and dan rather in a folksy-off. i think you might be able to take him. you used to have a show call "bill moyers journal" first in the '70s and then from 2007 to 2010. then you had "now with bill moyers." you were a special assistant to president johnson, including two years as the white house press secretary. when you were press secretary, did you at any moment withhold information from the white house peace corpses or did st. moyers always go with the truth?

>> i used to hold information from the president. that's much more dangerous. >> stephen: really? you're the reason vietnam failed. you would just told him it was a quagmire, i'm sure johnson would have pulled him out. >> our credibility was is bad we couldn't believe our own leaks. [laughter] >> stephen: i like the owl one better. okay. so now you have a new show called "moyers and company." >> right. >> stephen: what is the new show? >> it's a look at america through the experiences of a lot of people who don't make it on most television shows, for example, "this this week i havee sherlock holmes and dr. watson of political science, jacob packer of yale and paul pierce talking about how washington served the rich in the last 30 years and turned its back on the middle class. >> stephen: wait, wait, wait. don't you mean the creative class? you mean they have served the

job creators of this country, or don't you believe that we need capitalism to create jobs? >> absolutely do, but capitalism is out of control thanks in no small part to citizens united, the supreme court decision that said that a corporation is a person, even though i doesn't eat, drink, make love, sing, raise children or take care of aging parents. you cannot have a people's democracy as long as corporations are considered people. they're just private institutions. >> stephen: do you understand... do you understand... [cheering and applause] excuse me. give me time to nail him first. [laughter] you understand that you sound like a racist. that southern accent is not helping you. okay. you're saying that some people, because corporations have been people since 1886, santa clara, southern pacific railroad. am i going too fast for you, dad. and you're saying that some

people just aren't people in the eyes of bill moyers? >> that's right. that's right. >> stephen: oh, yeah, sure. let me ask you, do any of these "not people" fund your show, bill? >> one of them who is full of good people funds my show. mutual of america has been my sole corporate funder for 25 years. >> stephen: you're biting that hand that funds you. >> they don't seem to complain. >> stephen: let's talk about where politics is going in the united states. you say corporations have undue influence over our government, true? >> true. >> they tone government. >> stephen: they don't own the government. they just express their opinion through the speech that is cash. [laughter] okay. again, that's another part of the citizens united ruling. money equals speech. i've got some great news for corporations' right to speak because we just got this in. mitt romney has won the new hampshire primary. 35.6%. mitt romney famously said this summer, "corporations are

people," my friend. >> a friend of mine in texas said he will believe corporations are people when texas executes one. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: so you're racist and blood thirsty. bill, thank you so much for joining us. [cheering and applause] bill moyers. "moyers and company." check your local listings on public television. we'll be right back.