making less than $40,000 and a millionaire will see his taxes drop by almost 5%. >> there's a technical term fory comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org>> stephen: toniy takes new hampshire then out of habit fires everyone in new hampshire. [laughter] then threats from space. did you know there are two bears, a lion and a scorpion up there? [laughter] and i sit down with george stephanopoulos, the anchor of abc's "this week." i'll stump him by asking about next week. [laughter] congratulations on your new baby, beyonce. one word of advice: ♪ if you feed it then you better put a bib on it ♪ this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central

[theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everybody. good to have you with us. [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] folks, thank you so much. folks, that could not have been more beautiful if it had been sung by a half-worth bard. tough life, those half-worth bards. nation, unless you live in a cave, i'm sure you've heard that yesterday's new hampshire primary was won by mitt romney. and if you do live in a cave,

i'm guessing you voted for ron paul. the man came in a strong second. now, former utah governor and obama ambassador to china jon huntsman had bet everything on new hampshire, but he came in third at 17%. last night he rallied the troops. >> i'd say third place is a ticket to ride, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen: yes, he's got a ticket to ride, and we don't care. [laughter] because unfortunately everybody knows what the results of new hampshire mean. >> romney is now clearly the favorite to win the nomination. >> i think it's set in stone. it is. at the end of the day, people are probably going to end up going to romney. >> if he has in his mind wrapped up the nomination and he's off to the presidential campaign. >> this guy is the inevitable nominee.

>> he's inevitable. >> i guess he was inevitable after all. >> stephen: yes, now that romney has won a non-binding caucus by eight votes and a plurality of the vote in one of the smallest primaries in the nation, he is a juggernaut. you know what, folks, i'm starting to see it: president romney. it could work. sure, he's not the warmest candidate or the most conservative, but, you know, he's there. [laughter] and let's be honest, i've seen this coming for a long time. it's not fireworks, but, you know, i should just grow up and accept it. it's like an arranged marriage. [laughter] i should think of myself not as a voter, but as a 12-year-old indonesian girl promised to the rich old man from a nearby village. you know... [laughter] they look happy. though he may smell of wine and fish, he is a successful man.

i shall sell his nets. oh, mitt, oh, mitt, what am i going to do with you? i cannot tell if i'm missing something or i'm just afraid to let myself be happy. i'm so confused. you know, if this were a romantic comedy, i'd get advice from my perceptive gay best friend. >> stephen! >> stephen: andy! how are you? andy cohen, everybody. from bravo. >> stephen. how are you? i came as soon as i heard. >> stephen: i'm fat. >> no, you're not. no, no you're not. >> stephen: you always know what to say.

anyway, here's the thing. >> tell me. >> stephen: i don't know about this guy mitt, who is coming on to me so hard. [laughter] >> wait, mitt, is that this big shot private equity guy? >> stephen: yeah, i mean, he's stable and he's got great hair. >> how is he, you know, behind the podium? > stephen: actually, he's a it will boring. >> kind of stiff? >> stephen: yeah, and not in a good way. [cheering and applause] >> oh, my god. >> stephen: look. what were we talking about? >> i have no idea. >> stephen: seriously, andy. everyone says he's the best i can do, but he's good, no great. >> sounds like half my orgasms. do you want my advice? >> stephen: yes. >> when you know, you know.

>> that waiter just earned himself a tip. >> stephen: uh-huh. andy, i think he deserves more than just a tip. >> you are so, so bad. >> stephen: i am. >> stephen, that incredibly handsome waiter is right. follow your heart. relationships should be passionate, like a honey moon salad -- lettuce alone, no dressing. >> stephen: i never thought of politics in terms of salad before. [laughter] but suddenly i realized, andy was right. i wanted arugula and endive, but i was getting iceberg. would i ba sal milk regret it? >> stephen you're, more than the salad. you're the main course. any candidate would be lucky to

order you. by the way, it's pronounce on-deev. >> stephen: what a bitch. [laughter] thanks, andy. you're the best. >> remember, follow your heart, and thanks for lunch. >> stephen: andy cohen, everybody. [cheering and applause] oh, oh, you. he's right. if i'm not totally in love with mitt, i can't commit, but what choice do i have? he won in iowa and new hampshire. it's over. >> going into south carolina, the big question here is whether mitt romney sew this thing up with three big wins in a row. >> it's all about south carolina. no republican has ever become president without winning south carolina. >> it will really come down i think to south carolina. >> ultimately this is all going to be about south carolina. we all know this.

>> stephen: yeah, we all know that. my home state of south carolina is where presidents are chosen and occasionally seceded from. but, i mean, really who is the option? everyone in the republican field has already had their "i'm not mitt" moment. i just wish there was some fresh face, untainted by the process, that could just swoop in and save the day. >> a new poll of likely republican voters in the upcoming south carolina primary have 5% going to stephen colbert. >> the south carolina native colbert is not even officially on the ballot, but he's still getting 5%. >> stephen: oh, my god! it's me. [cheering and applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] it all makes so much sense. andy told me to follow my heart. and my heart always leads me to

me. [laughter] and i am so not mitt. look how different we are. [laughter] i'm the one with the glasses. but wait, wait, wait, that's crazy. these guys have been running for a year now. how could i ever compete with an established candidate like governor jon huntsman? >> public policy polling decided to go ahead and poll it with stephen colbert in the race. have you seen this? >> no. >> look at this. [cheering and applause] >> i was on his show recently. i'm going to be looking for the colbert bump in south carolina. >> >> stephen: i'm sorry governor huntsman, i guess the colbert bump reflected off of you and bounced back to me. that happens in the rare instances when my guests are whiter than i am.

wow, ladies and gentlemen, i just... i don't know what to say. this just got real. a major pollster has me at 5%, ahead of the third-place finisher in new hampshire. i got to ask: what do you think, nation? should i run for president in south carolina? [cheering and applause] thank you. thank you. ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, i hear what i'm asking you to say, but that's a really big decision. first i need to pray on it. okay. god's good with it. but obviously i still have to go home and sit down and talk it over with my money. [laughter] so please join me tomorrow night when i will make a major announcement here on "the report." there will be special guests and

historic decisions, and if you're not careful, you just might learn something. we'll see you tomorrow night. good night, everybody. oh, i have to do the rest of the show. sorry. we'll see you after the commercial break. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> steph,

everybody. thank you very much. nation, i know that as a

journalist it is my job to keep you terrified. if you're not watching the show right now with a load in your pants, i've dropped the ball. well, folks, i've got some good news, there's terrible news, which brings me to tonight's edition of "stephen colbert's end of the world of the week." nation, if you like me, some nights you just lay on your back looking up at the stars and wonder, when the hell is that contractor going to finish patching my roof. but now it turns out the sky might actually be falling. chicken little tried to warn us, but we would mott listen. instead we put him on xanex. that's all because of a plummeting russian spacecraft known as fobas huh. i hope i'm pronouncing that

correctly. russian is a strange language. the spacecraft was used to explore one of mars' moon, using the russian method of opening up and deploying continually smaller versions ofist. [laughter] the spacecraft stalled before leaving earth's orbit. , which means sense. after all, it coms from the land of stall-in. thank you, michael. so this ruse i can satellite is hurdling back to earth this weekend with its full fuel load of 8. 3 tons of hydrozine, which is highly toxic, extremely unstable, corrosive to the skin and exposure can lead to pulmonary edema, seizures, comas or deaths. so in russia they use it to water down their vodka. so just where is this molotov cocktail of doom headed? according to experts, debris could fall anywhere along a vast

stretch of the earth's surface that includes the cities of new york, london and tokyo. new york, london and tokyo. i would hate for it to land on one of those cities. and love for it to land on the other two. now, scientists will say there's very little chance that the plummeting debris could cause any harm, but i am not taking any chances, folks. that is why i will be spending the entire weekend wearing my patented space debris repelling hat. okay. it has a minitrampoline up top that should rappel any shattered of hypersonic space metal to come my way. this is the space metal, this koosh ball. beta testing complete. [cheering and applause] of course, i may not... i'm not

sure i'm going the want this level of protection. ouch. [bleeped]. [laughter] sometimes fashion is painful. i may not want that kind of protection because there is a chance that this hunk of debris could do something cool like contain mutating space rays that can transform me enter a superhero, like gamma radiation that would turn me into the hulk of yo gamma gamma radiation. that's it for that week's stephen colbert's end of the world of the week. tune in next week to find out what will kill us all. i'm going to guess 5-hour energy. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> steph,

everybody. my guest tonight is the new anchor of abc's "this week" with george stephanopoulos. that's funny. that's the name of the old anchor. please welcome george stephanopoulos. [cheering and applause] thanks so much. hey, george. good to see you again. how's it going? all right, sir. that's the big news. what is this? >> i heard you were running low. >> stephen: you want to do a couple shots? >> let's go. >> stephen: all right.

let's do it. okay. you first. >> go ahead. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: there you go. now, george, i imagine you need a hit of whisky after this debate on saturday night. >> that was fun. >> stephen: we'll get to that in a moment. talk about you're returning to "this week." >> going back. >> stephen: great show. you're going back. but isn't that greedy because you're staying at "good morning america." what's next? are you going to take jimmie kimmel show? >> i asked about, that but it's in l.a., so i can't do it. >> is it going to be permanent? >> at least for the election year. >> stephen: good luck. >> good luck to you in this election year. >> stephen: thank you very much. we will see. we will see. now, you used to be one of the guys who goes on shows like

"this week" with george stephanopoulos, trying to spin the liberal plans of your george soros masters, the cap and trade. do you ever wake up screaming thinking, i can't go be that guy again who had to face a guy like george stephanopoulos? >> no, it's fun. >> stephen: really? could george stephanopoulos take apart the old george stephanopoulos when he tried to come in and spin his plan? >> no question about it. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. and when you announce you are coming on. >> stephen: if i announce, george. you have to give me some space. this is an incredibly important decision, an i'm asking you and the rest of the moda to respect my and my family's privacy. >> good choice. >> stephen: can you try to do that, be ethical for once? [laughter] let's talk to the declaiferred candidates. okay. the debate on saturday night, what was the vibe in the room? was it electric? what's it like at one of those debates? >> in the last debate back in

iowa, they were really ready to go. saturday night not so much. they were trying to feel their way through. >> stephen: so is it difficult to be a member of the press in front of a republican audience? i'll give you a specific example. you got into a section there where you were talking about contraception. you were asking questions about contraception. why was it so important? why were you talking about contraception so much? don't get me wrong, any guy sitting next to die an sawyer for that long at least thinks about it, but why did you make it part about the debate? >> it was about the right the privacy. one candidate said he believes the state have the right to ban contraception. >> stephen: let's watch a snippet of it. >> governor romney, do you weave that states have the right the ban contraception or is that trumped by a constitutional right the privacy. >> the idea of you putting forward things that states might want to do that no state wants to do and asking me whether they could do i or not is kind of a

silly thing i think. [applause] >> stephen: okay. okay. he's basically saying you're a silly little child. and the audience is going, yes. what did it fel like at that moment? >> at that moment, i'm thinking, i really want to win this bet. >> stephen: what was the bet? >> die an sawyer bet me that i couldn't get mitt romney to say contraceptions are working just fine. i won. >> >> stephen: from the number of children he has, he has no idea how they work. okay. is it inevitable for romney now? that's the talking point right now, that .3% of the electorate has spoken. it's romney. >> yeah, i mean, if he wins south carolina, i saw you maybe fun of everybody, but he's going to be almost impossible to beat.

>> >> stephen: i'm not making fun. i'm celebrating. >> there is one man who can beat him in south carolina. >> i know, george. i shave him every morning, and i'm not going to reveal who that man is. [cheering and applause] there's some talk that joe biden, vice president joe biden and secretary of state hillary clinton, they switch jobs and obama goes on the victory because he's got first female vice president. what are the odds? >> everybody is talking about that. >> stephen: great story. >> almost as good as you running. but there are three places it's not being talked about. hillary clinton's office, joe biden's offense and president obama's offense. >> stephen: you think they'll stay where they are? >> steep >> i'm pretty sure. >> stephen: it could still cause excitement.

what if they stay in their places but they have sexual surgery and we still have the first female vice president. a john travolta "face-off" situation. >> we would be saying president stephen colbert. >> stephen: it does have a ring. george stephanopoulos thank you so much for joining me. george stephanopoulos, host of almost everything on abc. we'll be right back. [cheerin