>> londonberry new hampshire, our first call this morning for judd gregg. go ahead. >> i was wondering what-- do you think you need to-- and also how big is m captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining me.

thank you so much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome my friends. if i'm not mistaken, you sound like an angel chir calling me to destiny. you know me, i try to keep a low profile. ask anybody who subscribes to the stephen colbert 24/7 low profile web cam. (laughter) for some reason the media is the-- recently it because of ppps recent presidential p- p-p-poll. jim? >> according to a recent poll five percent of south carolina primary voters would pick colbert more than

would pick jon huntsman. >> colbert narrowly trails perry. >> stephen colbert is shooting up to 5%. >> colbert is ahead of jon huntsman. >> i was reading that stephen colbert would do better in south carolina than jon huntsman. >> stephen: yes, i am officially beating jon huntsman in south carolina. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you creche. -- very much. proving what i have always said, if voters want a different version of mitt romney, they can always just wait a few days and it will be mitt romney. (laughter) now clearly my fellow south carlinians see me as the only viable mitt-ternative. folks, i tried to run for president of south carolina in 2008. and folks, i got hurt. i don't know if i can put myself through that again. >> ah. >> stephen: thank you. (laughter) anyway, clearly it's a tough

decision. i would not want to be in my shoes. but i am. and folks, they're incredibly expensive. (applause) >> stephen: colbert superpac paid for these babies. (laughter) and that's the problem, folks. presidential candidates cannot coordinate with superpacs. >> you can-- are you giving any direction or advice to winning our future of the -- >> none. >> are you affiliated with them at all. >> i'm not affiliated with them at allment i don't talk with them at all. >> there's a bright division between what i do and what any superpac can do. >> superpacs have to be entirely separate fray campaign and a candidate. i'm not allowed to communicate with a superpac in any way, shape or form. >> stephen: romney is not communicating with the superpac in any way, shape or form. the exact same relationship he has with voters. instead, superpacs are often run by people close to the candidate.

the pro romney superpac restore our future was founded by romney's lawyer, winning our future the newt gingrich superpac is run by a former newt staffer. and the rick perry superpac make us great again was started by mike toomey who was perry's chief of staff and co-owns an island with dave carney, perry's chief strategist. but just because you spend time on an island with someone does not mean you coordinate with them. after all, gilligan never even learned the professor's real name. so this is a difficult decision. i've talked it over with my spiritual advertiser, i've talked with over with my money. but i haven't yet talked it over with my money's spiritual advisor. please welcome former fec chair general counsel to the 2080 mccain campaign and my personal lawyer, mr. trevor potter. trevor, thank you so much for joining me tonight. (applause) trevor, trevor, you see these shoes? you see those? pretty good. trevor, here's the problem.

i need your help. can i run for president and keep my superpac? don't sugarcoat it. >> no. >> stephen: okay, that's a little less sugar than i was hoping for. why? >> you cannot be a candidate and run a superpac. that would be coordinating with yourself. >> stephen: right. and i would go blind. but here's the thing, i love my superpac. and i love the money. i mean just look here this is how much i have raised. >> that is shocking. >> stephen: isn't it. >> but you can't have the pac. you could have it run by somebody else. >> stephen: wait, what, wait, what? someone else can take it over. >> yes. but someone who you would not be coordinating with in terms of pac ads and strategy. >> stephen: oh, trevor, i wouldn't want to even create the appearance of electoral

skulduggery if that is a word i can say on a family show. but i think there might be a guy, jon? jon stewart, everybody. (cheers and applause) jon stewart. thank you so much for being here. trevor, jon, jon, trevor. thank you. jon, thank you so much for being here, jon, let me ask you, are you here to offer to take over colbert superpac. >> jon: i'm not even going to diminish-- i won't offer, i'm honored. i would be honored, but i can-- if i may. can we do this, because you and i are also business partners. >> stephen: yes. >> jon: we're about to open up that combination bagel shop. >> stephen: and travel agency. >> jon: yes, from shmear to eternity.

so i don't know-- . >> stephen: is that a problem, trevor, is being business partners a problem? >> being business partners does not count as coordination legally. >> stephen: great. >> jon: all right, well-- that's pretty good. >> stephen: yes. >> jon: i assume there's reams of complicated paperwork to be executed before we transfer the reigns of power with something as critical to our very foundation of democracy as a superpac. >> stephen: trevor? >> i brought the one document with me. >> stephen: good man. >> jon: that's excellent. thank you very much. >> stephen: all right. >> jon: that's double-spaced. >> stephen: okay. >> jon: beautiful font. >> stephen: i sign here. >> jon: very interesting, all right. >> stephen: and then i believe you sign there. >> jon: okay. i would be happy to do that. is there any sense, by the way, how much money we have in this thing because as the guy who is running it, i

would-- . >> stephen: there's -- >>. >> jon: oh-- . >> stephen: no, no, later, later. >> jon: all right, all right. (applause) >> stephen: trevor, there you go. all right, jon. prepare yourself. here we go, trevor. trevor, if you will, colbert superpac transfer activate. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: colberting, colbert superpac is dead. >> jon: but it has been reborn the definitely not coordinating with stephen colbert superpac!

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: are you okay? are you okay, jon. >> jon: i believe i have a pure cash erection right now. >> stephen: you want to put a bag of frozen peas on that. >> jon: i certainly will. now that i have the superpac-- can i run ads supporting stephen colbert who i believe in very deeply, perhaps attacking his opponents who i don't believe in at all. >> yes, you can, as long as you do not coordinate. >> stephen: well that's interesting. >> jon: red flag. >> stephen: i am busy. >> stephen: of course, have a show. >> jon: i can legally hire stephen's current superpac staff to produce these ads that will be in no way coordinated with stephen.

>> yes. as long as they have no knowledge of stephen's plan. >> stephen: well, that's easy. i don't know what the hell i'm doing. okay, jon, i guess you'd better leave for fear that we would coordinate with each other. i cannot let you know my plans. >> jon: i don't want to know. la, la, la. >> stephen: from now on i will just have to talk about my plans on my television show and just take the risk that you might watch it. >> jon: i don't even know when it's on 11:30 monday through thursday. >> stephen: yes, thank you so much, jon. thank you so much for coming. >> jon: thank you. >> stephen: gentlemen, i think our work here is done. bring it here, bring it in here. okay. on your mark, get set, noncoordination! jon stewart, trevor potter, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you. well, well, folks, someone

should get that man out of my studio. well, now that that is all cleared up, nation, i have a major announcement to make. for over a day now the people of south carolina have been crying out for someone who can restore our nation's former greatness to its current perfection. well, america, that someone is now. i am proud to announce that i am forming an exploratory committee to lay the groundwork for my possible candidacy for the president of the united states of south carolina! i'm doing it! drop them, jimmy. whooo, whooo, whooo! and with your help, and possibly the help of some sort of outside group that by am not coordinating with, we can explore taking this country back. thank you. god bless you all! and god bless citizens united. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: whooo!

>> stephen: oh, hey.

welcome back, everybody. nation, i hope you know whenever a friend of this show is under attack i leap to their defense. that's why i was so up set about a recent attack on "new york times" puzzle editor will shortz or as we call him in our anagram club-- now wiz here has been catching heat for a clue in last saturday's crossword, back in hip-hop. the-- wach in hip-hop the answer was illin which i knew immediately when i read the answers on monday. but web blogger julyie ann smolinski got up up in his grill saying the clue reads wack in hip-hop and the answer is illin, these are not the same things at all. ah, 4 letter word is a sound produced by fingahs. but if you step to will shortz he will beat you down and across. this is why dear julyie ann accord together diction' of

american slang edited by ron ert chapin illin means stupid insane, wack defined as worthless, stupid. the dictionary defines illin as bad, uncool so it seems to me the clue is fine. damn, girl, you just got shortzed. he pulled out tony thorne, faculty lexicographer at king's college in london, ph to the d. well, once again i got to settle it. after all, i have been a "new york times" crossword answer and i am a hip-hop legend ever since yassin bey bequeathed to me the name mos def which i believe stands for most definitions. and here to help me deconstruct the meaning of illin is the only authority with a licence to ill, please welcome head grammarrian of the beastie boyz, mike d. thank you soph much for joining us. sit down. (cheers and applause)

welcome, welcome. dr. d, what an honor. mi sure you've heard all about this tragic drive-by shortzing. >> well, it's all the talk of the hip-hop community, stephen. >> stephen: so mike, whatcha whatcha whatcha think. >> well, mr. shortz and miss smolinski make salient points when easyy e states in boys in the hood how he is bored as hell and wants to get ill, we can infer that getting ill is the opposite of boredom, a form of diversion, if you will. >> stephen: true. because wanting to get ill where does he go, to the spot where his home boys chill. >> exactly. point, miss smolinski. however if if i may point ton earlier work, the first modern usage of illin appears in runny and c's recording you be illin in which they cleverly observed you preceded to eat it kuz you was in the mood but

homes, did you not read t it was a can of dog food you be illin. >> stephen: well, i think we can all agree that eating dog food for din certificate most certainly wack. >> precisely. point, mr. shortz. >> stephen: so if i'm hearing you correctly, right now it is a tie. >> not so fast, dr. colbert. i refer you to 1986's anthemic time to get ill. in this case, being a fragment of mentally ill. and therefore an exertation to abandon's one inhibitions as opposed to acting badly. >> stephen: well, it would be clear then, my friend that will shortz has been mike denied. >> fairly julyie ann smolinski is the vickar and if i may, mr. shortz, you be illin. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, beastie man mike

d. we'll be right back

>> stephen: thanks so much. folks, my guest tonight is the go to source for insider washington gossip, i'm going to ask him which senators have gotten jowl tux, please welcome michael en. (cheers and applause) -- mike allen. >> stephen: thank you, mike, thank you. >> thank you very much.

>> stephen: yeah, you got to get some shoes like mine, man. everybody's going to be wearing these. now what do you have there? >> this is the iphone. >> stephen: i know it is an iphone but why do you have it. >> everything is live on "politico", we don't wait around. we don't wait until we get in the green room so if you make news here like you did earlier it is already tweeted. we already have a story up. >> stephen: you have a story up already of the historic news i made earlier tonight. >> "politico" is so fast we already have, we have analysis of your prospects in south carolina should you choose to make an even more historic announcement. so-- . >> stephen: what are the prospects for me in my south carolina-- still in exploratory stage. >> should you proceed you will be strong on the coast, you will be good in college towns, clemson, columbia, charleston. >> stephen: come on, i love my tigers and my game cocks, all right. >> and you are going to-- but i have bad news, you have a ceiling. your sealing acording to

"politico" is 5% but-- . >> stephen: how do you know my sealing is 5%. i'm starting at 5%. my floor and my ceiling are at 5%. >> you have another percent, it is going be a big factor. >> stephen: i got to lose some weight. >> big factor is the winner breaks, how fast is stephen will get back to, odd for you-- . >> stephen: let me take the hammer to you for a second, okay. you're one of those washington insiders, aren't you. >> i'm from california. >> stephen: you were were from california. now are you somebody who is so invested in the machinations of washington, d.c. i see that this year people don't want to hear that. >> there's the thing. >> stephen: people want to hear the real story. >> hammer, hammer. >> stephen: the people-- want to hear the stories from little towns like davis station or 96 or clemson or columbia or charleston or murrells inlet or monks corner or somerville or aiken. these are the real stories,

or hell hole swamps, those are the real stories. >> that's right, and do you need to know what is going on in the real mark which contrasts with this studio. >> stephen: oh this is the real america, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you people at "politico" and "politico" play book have been following the candidates what are the things that we don't know about these candidates that you have seen from the amount of time you spent with each one, like gingrich, what don't he know about gingrich. >> he's very humble. we did we're doing a series of ebooks about the campaign. the first one, the right fights back is out, 299, a great buy from random house and we did an interview with newt gingrich two weeks later it was in the ebook, he says watch this campaign. he said it will be like watching ray kraft build mcdonald's or sam walton build wal-mart. >> stephen: he seems to

enjoy french fries and as far as wal-mart, i assume that means he is not offering anyone health insurance. okay what about romney, what about romney. we know, we know what these people look like when they say, what do they smell like. i imagine romney smells like sort of an antiseptic pepper mint. what is he really like in person. >> he may seem like a pepper mint, but behind the scenes can be tough. we're told by people who have run afoul of him when you get in trouble with him that is a mitt-frontation. >> stephen: really? >> and you don't want a mitt frontation. >> stephen: i really don't like the sound of it. so he's not pepper mint, he's more of like a country nugget. >> sometimes he needs a pepper mint too. because you might think that he looks clean cut. >> stephen: he does look like current cut. are you saying he has some sort of-- really, he's a

dirty whore. what are his vices. >> when he's off camera he eats pizza. >> stephen: he eats pizza. are mormons not allowed to eat pizza. i think that is really a hard selling point for a religion. >> his other vice, kfc, eats fried chicken but pulls the skin off. >> stephen: that guy sounds fun. mike allen thank you so much for joining me. the play book 2012. the right-- we'll be right back. thank you, mike.

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