captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, catholic groups are forced to provide contraceptives. but the pope wants his hat to be the only thing with a reservoir tip. (laughter) then, will cell phones be banned in cars? i'll call you with the answer on the way home. (laughter) and my guest, bill broad, has written a book about the science of yoga. he's about the meet the most inflexible person in the world. (laughter) arizona turns 100 today. finally catching up with most of its residents. this is the "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )

( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (crowd chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. happy valentine's day, nation. (cheers and applause) you have made an excellent choice ending your night with me. i am a powerful aphrodisiac. i'm like a human oyster only with less muscle tone. (laughter) of course, today is also the finals of the westminster kennel

club dog show. i love it! the pageantry, the excitement, the sexual tension. (laughter) i mean, when are that anatolian sheepdog and that judge's leg going to do it already? (laughter) and, folks, there are big changes in this year's show. for more we go to fox news' wirehaired pinscher. speak, shep, speak! >> the westminster dog show has dropped the dog food brand pedigree as a sponsor claiming ads like this one with a shelter dog with too sad. (audience reacts). >> stephen: wow, i know all dogs go to heaven but i hope there's a separate section for these uggos. (laughter) just imagine you're at home, you're watching cultured canine aristocrats, the epitome of class and e mat lat ainl glands and the next thing you're faced with this. >> shelter dogs aren't broken. (audience reacts) they simply experienced more life. do not pity a shelter dog.

adopt one. (audience reacts) >> stephen: oh, yes, i often say aww when i'm disgusted, too. now, don't get me wrong, folks. i'm sure shelter dogs are wonder in their own way! they're just not kennel club material. these dogs are the canine 1%. (laughter) the job creators for groomers, trophy makers, and judges that fondle ball sacks. (laughter) shelter dogs are a canine underclass relying on the dog catcher's safety net to take care of their out-of-wedlock pubpies. get a job! according to pedigree's communications director, pedigree was dropped because westminster is focused on the pure bred mission as well they should, madam. it's the same pure bred mission that led to such a strong stock of european royals. (laughter) how sad they had to put down the duke of gloucester for hip

dysplasia. grave little guy. so bravo, westminster kennel club for keeping your standards unsullied by the mixed breeds. i lift my leg to you. (laughter and applause) thank you. thank you. (cheers and applause) sometimes... you have to let them love you sometimes. folks, i have often warned you that president obama is an antireligious zealot which is surprising since he is also a devout secret muslim. (laughter) now he is launching a vengeful crusade against the catholic church which is especially hurtful since venge full crusades-- kind of our thing. jim? >> last month the obama administration said the new health care law requires religious hospitals, colleges, and other institutions to include contraceptive coverage in their insurance plans. >> stephen: translation: obama

is forcing priests to handout condoms at mass. (laughter) and i am outraged as a catholic. no, no, i am outraged as the catholic. (laughter) i am sorry, poabd, but you lost my respect in 2010 when you came out in favor of universal health care. i say if jesus wanted everyone to have insurance he'd have been crucified on a blue cross/blue shield. (laughter) and ill papa did not score any points with me for showing up at the grammys with nicki menaj. (laughter) i tell you, folks. there is nothing we american catholics enjoy more than defending the church's stance on contraception. it's a central tenet of our faith. as deeply held in our belief in marble, jesus on snack food and unintentionally hot school uniforms. (laughter) now through the 1968 papal encyclical cal humanae vitae the church teaches us that the

transmission of life is a serious role in which married people collaborate freely and responsibly with god. you see, to catholics sex isn't two drunk strangers getting their freak on at closing time. it's the mystical union of two people inspired to create new physical life while god adds a soul in a divine and ef-able, beautiful three way. so when you use contraceptions, you are not only sinning, you are cock-blocking the almighty. (cheers and applause) i got god's back on this one. but catholic bishops are especially angry because paying for con contraceptives contradicts a belief that those bishops hold dear: that catholics don't use birth control. which isn't easy because 98% of catholic women use birth control. (laughter) the other 2% are nuns.

(laughter) now, i know you may be wondering if i, stephen colbert, practice birth control. yes, i do. i practice natural church-approved birth control. it's like holding in a sneeze. (audience reacts) ah ah, ah, oh. (cheers and applause) i'll keep practicing. i'll get it one day. now, some in the liberal complain-o-sphere are saying if you have you take taxpayer money you have to take taxpayer rules and, yes, the church accepts a little federal money here and there. in 2010, catholic charities received $2.9 billion. but that's only 62% of their total revenue. after taxes, that's still 62% because they don't pay taxes. (laughter) and while that money came from all of the taxpayers, most of

whom aren't catholic, once the bishops lay their hands upon that secular cash, it's ran the substantiated into bishop bucks. (laughter) the cash flow of christ. which means the money now holds the belief of the catholic hierarchy and can be spent only on items approved at the highest levels. like massive legal settlements. (laughter) now, fortunately, folks, republicans are not taking this contraceptive mandate lying down. or even doggie-style. (laughter) jim? >> this attack by the federal government on religious freedom in our country must not stand and will not stand. >> the government doesn't get to decide for religious people what their religious briefs are. >> this president is attacking religion and is putting in place a secular agenda that our fore founders would not recognize. >> yes, our fore founders would not recognize this secular agenda any more than we recognize the term

"fourfounders." and they certainly did not use contraception or ben franklin would not have been so riddled with syphilis. (laughter) and as... it's a add story. it's true. sad. they didn't have it back then. just a tincture of mercury. (laughter) and as my fellow catholic rick santorum points out, this puts us on a slippery- slippery-- na, lubricated slope-- to tierney. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: you marginalize faith in america. when you remove the pillar of god-given rights, then what's left? it's the french revolution. what's left is france became the guillotine. >> stephen: yes, here's covering copays for birth control. here's beheading. it's that close!

so if catholic institutions-- like myself-- are going to be forced to provide contraceptives, i think we better be sure people are using them the way obama wants! nation, this is you. (laughter) this-- for those of you who aren't familiar-- is contraception. all right? i haven't used one of these in a while. (cheers and applause) okay. there you go. and this is obama's attack on religion. (audience reacts) (laughter) >> stephen: has l of the! ma zell of the! that tastes like freedom!

we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. people... i've always said people in glass houses should not throw stones. also, they should put some pants on. this is "tip of the hat, wag of the finger." (cheers and applause)

folks, i have never been a fan of seattle. for one thing, they have totally ripped off new york's idea of having a starbucks everywhere. (laughter) but i must admit, i was oddly moved by this story. >> a unique wedding in seattle this afternoon as people came together to witness the union of a woman and a building. that's right. in an effort to save a building frobuildingfrom demolition, a sn married it. >> i'm doing this to show the building how much i love it, how much i love community space and how much i love this neighborhood. >> stephen: you know what they say? when you fall in love with a building, if you like it, then you should have put a wing on it. (laughter and applause) now, who are we... who are we? it sound odd, who are we to judge this woman for wanting to marry a building? i mean, in college we all experimented with architecture. i had a huge crush on our dorm bathroom. and let me tell you, that thing was built like a brick (bleep) house. (laughter) now, i was ready to send a couple wedding gifts, maybe silverware or a length of copper

pipe until i heard this. >> i'm getting married on sunday. it's going to be a gay wedding. >> stephen: that building is a lesbian! (laughter) that's why i'm giving a wag of my finker to gay building marriage! don't tell me you can't find any good male structures in seattle! come on! look at the space needle! (laughter) that thing is hung like the chrysler building. and we all know that woman on female building is just a slippery slope to man on doghouse. (laughter) next up on t to the wag, there's nothing i love more than getting in my car and making phone calls. unfortunately, not everyone embraces america's constitutional right to tear down the highway while texting your best friend lou-dog. what's up, lou dog? the dog is loose!

ruff ruff! that's the dog, you don't want to let him off the chain. he's crazy! lou dog! (howls) (laughter) that is why... i could go on all night. that's why i'm giving a wag of my finker to those nervous nellies over at the national transportation safety board. listen to their latest assault on our fiber optic freedom. >> safety experts are calling for a nationwide ban on using cell phones to talk and text message while driving. and now the n.t.s.b. wants to take it a step further, banning all electronic devices in the car. >> stephen: what? all electronic devices? even my dashboard blender? (laughter) how am i supposed to make my famous cargaritas? (laughter) worst of all, this ban would even includes hands-free devices. you're telling me i learned to dial with my feet for nothing? (laughter)

folks, come on! (howls) (cheers and applause) i love lou-dog. folks, the only saving grace is that this ban on cell phone use in cars applies except during emergencies! so if you want to keep talking while driving, i am proud to intro introduce my new patented cell phone case "stephen colbert's hive talking" which is a bee's nest filled with hundreds of angry yellowjackets. all you do is just glue your cell phone to it, stick your hand inside and now you'll never lose the right to call your wife and say "honey, do you want know pick up anything at the grocery? oh, my god, bees in my mouth! bees in my mouth!" plus it functions as a g.p.s. as long as your destination is the nearest source of pollen. we'll be right back.

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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. my guest tonight is a science writer for the "new york times." is if he's also a democrat, he has hit my rage trifecta. please welcome bill broad! (cheers and applause) hey, thanks so much for coming

on. >> thank you. >> stephen: all right, sir. you are a two-time pulitzer prize-winning science writer for the "new york times." you won tons of awards for your work on writing about the challenger shuttle disaster, space weapons, infectious disease, nuclear jihad. now a book about yoga. after writing about such tragic and deadly things why write about yoga. slow news year? (laughter) >> no, i do it and it works. and it's one of the reasons why i can do all this hard-edge reporting. because it helps me relax. helps me center. i got hooked when i was in college in 1970 and i kept doing it and it has grown through my career. it's the counterpoint to all that bad stuff you're talking about. it helps me be a good journalist. >> stephen: okay, i don't know about yoga. i see people doing it and you're all, like, twisted and

contorted. >> yeah. >> stephen: it looks like an exercise for people in coach on an airplane. (laughter) why not... why not just... what is the benefit of it physically? i've heard about something called yoga butt. >> yes, yoga butt. >> stephen: is that true? is that a myth or is there really yoga butt? >> it's in there. yoga isn't one thing, right? there's a whole spectrum of things and i try to pick through what's the good and bad in all of it. >> stephen: what's the good? >> the science is very clear. it lifts your mood, lifts up your sex life and is great for help. >> stephen: go back to the sex life thing. you have an anecdote in here you say that... you have an anecdote that yoga has enable add woman to have a two to three-hour orgasm. true? >> there are people... >> stephen: is that true? >> i don't... that's been reported and it's reported in this book. >> stephen: the name of the book is "the science of yoga." why didn't you name it two to

three hour orgasm? (laughter) let's move some papers, sir! (applause) >> >> stephen: >> stephen: is that true. can people really control their body like that? >> today at rutgers university there are scientists doing brain scans on people who can put themselves into extended states of orgasmic bliss. they call it thinking off. (laughter). >> stephen: do you know what else will put you inne orgasmic bliss? an orgasm. (laughter) >> that's the old-fashioned way. why not try something new? >> stephen: okay. but there are... there are dangers to yoga. i got here... this is a human spine. >> model of a human spine. >> stephen: oh this is not yours? >> no, or a former practitioner. >> stephen: i didn't know if you did so well you could just pull it out. what can you do to the spine by yogaizing? >> yoga can help increase flexibility and do all kinds of

wonderful stuff, but there's also great danger, right? one of the myth butsing things the book does is talk about the dangers right up here in the neck region. there's this little artery that goes through there. if you start doing things like shoulder stand or plow position, bending, you can tear the inner lining of that delicate artery. clots will form, they'll go into your brain. the next thing you have a stroke, right? parts of your brain are dead. that's a bad day in the yoga studio. >> that would not be tranquil. >> it's not very centering. instead you here in the emergency room or 1-20 people who have these kind of strokes go to the morgue. so it's a serious thing. it's a a very low... i don't want to overblow it. it's a low risk but the consequences are very high. so people need to be careful. they need to pick and choose. >> stephen: what about this bikram hot yoga. it sounds incredibly popular. incredibly humid, 120 degrees.

just like a funky sweat pile. is it trying to reproduce, like, being in calcutta. >> calcutta, that was the inspiration. people love it because they get loose and flexible and they do things they couldn't do normally. physicians worry about it because that flexibility also produces wobbliness sometimes in your joints so you can be more prone to dislocations, sprains, that kind of stuff. >> stephen: do you wear the tight stuff when you here in there? >> no, i do yoga at home in the morning in loose pants and have... >> stephen: and nothing else? (laughter) >> i'm not going into the sordid details. >> well, it's been 3,000 years yoga's been around? >> i think four, five. but the modern stuff, surprisingly, the stuff that we do today was all developed in the 20s and 30s. >> stephen: what's real yoga? i'm an originalist. >> real owe yoga started out in

a sex cult. tan tray. >> stephen: again! you've really buried the lead. bill broad, the book is "the science of yoga. we'll be right weight loss programs can be expensive.

so to save some money, i just got the popular girls from the local middle school to follow me around. ew. seriously? so gross. ew. seriously? that is so gross. ew. seriously? dude that is so totally gross. so gross...i know. there's an easier way to save. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more.

>> stephen: that's it for the show; everybody. the dog is loose! (howls) good night!