( cheers and applause ) glos that's our show. >> no teleprompters, no written speeches, the opportunity to see what's in here, what's up here. and what's burning d captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, it's the beginning of lent. luckily, i didn't give up thunderous applause. ( cheers and applause ) then, do corporations know too much about us? if you're a corporation, you already know my answer. plus, my guest is house minority leader nancy pelosi. but if she's here, who's getting nothing done in congress? ( laughter ) nevada has approved driverless cars, proving there's nothing they won't gamble on. this is the "colbert report."

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: nation, if you're wondering why i'm speaking the pope talk, it's because today is ash wednesday, the beginning of lent, wherein goodicals like myself make a personal sacrifice

for 40 days to become closer to god. last year, i gave up something truly important to me as a catholic-- being catholic. ( laughter ) it was tough. it was tough. but i did get some great bar mitzvah gifts. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, folks, i gotta tell you, you can ask these people-- i still haven't decided what to give up this year. ( laughter ) i thought about going with the classic-- you know, chocolate, but that's impossible since the introduction of mint dark chocolate m&ms. i mean, i love god and everything, but these things are like crack. speaking of which, i definitely can't give up crack. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that stuff is highly addictive, yet reasonably priced. ( laughter ) but i gotta find something to sacrifice that i both enjoy and know i can stick to giving up.

oh, wait, okay, i got it. nation, and god nation, this lent, i, stephen colbert, do solemnly swear to give up high-fiving conquistadors. ( laughter ) now i know what you're thinking-- why not something easier like fist bumping lions? ( laughter ) but as america's most famous catholic, i need to set a good example, all right. wish me luck. folks, regular viewers know that i have succumbed to lin-sanity. he is the biggest basketball story since the game was invented by the aztecs who, of course, succumbed to lin-smallpox. oh, i love a good aztec joke! come on, up top, amigo! ( applause ) >> stephen: i'm sorry.

i'm so-- ( cheers and applause ) i-- i'm so sorry, dan diego juan carlos. it's just that i made a very specific promise to god. >> come on, don't leave me hanging like the serpent quetzalcoatl. >> stephen: it's lent. >> you used to be fun. you changed. >> stephen: man, i'm going to have to smoke so much crack to forget about this. ( laughter ) ( applause ) moving on. folks, you know, there was a time when americans lived in small communities. neighbors would look out for each other, lend you a cup of sugar, help you paint the house, band together to drive out the irish. these days, with big cities and the internet, we feel increasingly isolated, especially if you join google plus. of course, of course, we have faith that god is looking out

for us, but you don't know for sure until you die. luckily, the free market provides an all-knowing power that's a little more tangible, and it brings us to tonight's word ( cheers and applause ) surrender to a bear power. as human beings, we all crave to be known and not just in the biblical sense. ( laughter ). thankfully, there's someone out there who knows all about us here on earth, retailers. folks, you see, they know us because when we're checking out, they're checking us out. for instance, a company called infosys makes shelving units that have sensors that can tell how long a customer lingers at the display. so, men, for the first time, a rack may be staring at you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but no one-- no one really

understands-- ( cheers ) no one really understands their customers better than target. according to the "new york times," target's databases know your age, whether you are married and have kids, which part of town you live in, how long it takes you to drive to the store, your estimated salary, whether you've moved ream, what credit card you carry in your wallet, and what web sites you visit. yes, target knows what web sites you visit. and if you're watching this on the web, they now know you know they know. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but gathering the information is only part of the equation. the rest is equations. using something called predictive analytics, target doesn't just track when you buy sheets. they know what you're doing between them. >> target looks at everything that women buy. and what they have found is if a woman all of a sudden starts buying unscented lotion and then starts buying certain types of vitamins like zinc and

magnesium, those are all signals that that woman is pregnant. using their computer algrisms, they'll be able to determine, within a two-week window, when she's due. >> stephen: they can sense you're having a baby without even meeting you. they're like an obgyn kenobi. target knows when you've missed your period, period. ( laughter ) for example, a fawgths recently stormed into a target angrily waving coupons for baby supplies that were mailed to his teenaged daughter. now, a few days later, when the manager called to apologize, the man said, "i had a talk with my daughter. it turns out there's been some activities in my house i haven't been completely aware of. she's due in august." ( applause ) just in time for not-going-back-to-school sales. the point is-- plawz.

( cheers ) ( applause ) the point is, target knew this girl better than her own father, and everybody knows that knowledge means profits. people tend to shop at the same places every week, and it's hard for stores to change those habits. but during periods of transition, like having a baby, the customer is ripe for retail conversion, and the marketer who knows they're in a weakened state can scoop them up like the gentle loving hand of a predatory cult. ( laughter ). now, as one-- ( applause ) as one target marketing analyst explained, "we knew if we could identify women in their second trimester, there's a good chance we could capture them for years." yes, the mission is to identify and capture. they're like a marketing strike force. and, folks, if i have just one

quibble, it's that target, like god, is reluctant to reveal itself in our lives. >> target found if they sent pregnant women a bunch of ads for baby stuff and that woman had never told target she was pregnant, a certain percentage of those customers would stop going to target all together. they didn't like being spied on. but if target camouflaged what it knew, if it, for instance, put ads for cribs next to lawnmowers, then the customers who offed those coupons just assumed that they were random. >> stephen: yes, target works in mysterious ways. ( laughter ). but, folks, once you accept-- once you accept target into your heart, you'll find they're everywhere, watching over you during the most important passages of your life. now, true, they may not be able to stop your wife from cheating on you, but they can notice she's buying perfume and lingerie and then send you a coupon for a hot plate for your

new studio apartment. and they cannot keep your son from being gay. when they figure out before he does, they can send hem a coupon for a free dvd because i believe season two of "glee" is not a choice. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so retail nation, take solace in the fact that target will always be there for you in the most troubled times. when you look back on the beach of your life and see only one set of footprints, you weren't alone. that's when target was selling you flip-flops. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and that's the word. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hi! i'm sorry. you caught me-- you caught me pretending to eat my traditional commercial break bowl of rice-a-roni, the san francisco treat. i've had a lifetime supply of this stuff ever since i came in second on "wheel of fortune." ( laughter ) i could have sworn there was a

book called "war and peach." ( laughter ) little trivia, folks-- san francisco is also the name of a city, which is the subject of my 63rd part of my 434-part series, "better know a district." tonight, california's eighth district, the fightin' eighth! ( cheers and applause ) the san francisco area was once populated by the native american tribe the ohlone, who believed humans were descended from the trickster god coyote, who played a big trick on them in the 18th century when the spanish killed them and took their land. ( laughter ). no! i can't. >> come on! >> stephen: go away! ( laughter ) 40 days of this!

( applause ) in 1906, the eighth was struck by an earthquake which leveled san francisco and markedly the last time anyone could afford to live there without six roommates. ( laughter ). in 1967, 100,000 hippies gathered in the hate ash brie neighborhood for the summer of love, quickly followed by the autumn of antibiotics. ( applause ) and who has the sourdoughs to represent california's aight? none other than house democratic leader nancy pelosi. ( cheers and applause ) who famously once said this... well, thank you for doing this. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: considering our history, this is very big of you. >> i'm sorry-- i'm still not coming on your show. >> stephen: when we return, she's coming on my show ( cheers and applause ). we'lle e

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome bark, everybody. my guest tonight swore up and down she would never appear on my show so don't tell her this isn't the set of the "price is right." please welcome democratic leader, nancy pelosi. ( cheers and applause ) madam speak ethank you so much for coming on.

well, you you know, you said you'd never come on here but do you-- do you often break your promises? >> well, this is part of my lent resolution, to do good work, be kind to republicans, so here i am. ( laughter ). ( cheers ) >> stephen: thank you, thank you. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: ( nice with the latin. you're a catholic, i'm a catholic. why no ashes? >> later. >> stephen: later? you know, this is broadcast at about five minutes to midnight. you have to get on it. >> it's california it's three hours earlier. >> stephen: exactly. it's a loophole that jesus didn't anticipate. ( laughter ). adam, you know, i'm grateful that you came on, but you have attacked me. >> yes. >> stephen: you have attacked me in the sprn of of my superpac by saying superpacs and i, specifically, am hurting democracy. what do you mean? >> i think if we want to cancel elections and just have the

wealthiest people in the america-- andun what their names are-- give millions, tens of millions of dollars, we can just ask them who do they want to be president? who do they want to run congress? who do they want to be governor? >> stephen: that would be polite. >> no, that would be a pl plutocracy, and we are a democracy and our founders intended that the people would decide not-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right, now you've hit on something. you've hit on something. in the citizens united decision, the supreme court made two years ago, they said because corporations are legally people, and because people have the right to free speech and because money is speech, therefore, corporations have the right and individuals and unions to spend unlimited amounts of money in political speech. so why do you not want people to have the right of free speech? >> well, i do, but -- >> stephen: but these are people. and you don't want them to speak with their money. ( laughter ). >> are the me say i want them to disclose. i think the public has a right to know and we want people to

stand by their ad. if they're going to have tebz of millions of dollars they're putting up for a candidate or cause the public has the right to know by whose authority is this coming to them. >> stephen: this is part of the disclose act. tell people what the disclose act would do. you have a fettivish for transparency. >> actually, this is would be good for you. because your americans for a better tomorrow, tomorrow, could become americans for a better tomorrow, today, if you could -- >> stephen: we can't do that because it's tomorrow. >> not in california. >> stephen: oh, exactly. tomorrow-- ( applause ) california is still 1967. ( laughter ) okay. so how does this help? >> well, it helps in this way. first, we want to disclose. the people have a right to know whose money is coming in there, instead of some few-- the bank roll of a few determining the outcome of elections rather than the voices of people, disclose.

stand by your ads. win the election, reform the system, overturn the supreme court decision by amending the constitution and give the vote and the voice and the power to the people. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: but if people knew-- ( applause ) thank you for applauding the corporations. ( laughter ) but if people knew what businesses were giving millions and millions of dollars to individual political candidates, isn't there a chance that the consumers would retaliate against those businesses by not buying their products? >> that's why the businesses don't want to disclose. >> stephen: exactly, because it's not fair to, say, brawny towels. >> for example -- >> stephen: for people to find out that the koch brothers own brawny towels and own the republican party. >> exactly. ( laughter ) and want to own the presidency. >> stephen: of course you want to own the presidency because if you keep the receipt,

you can change him for a new president if you don't like him. that's just logical. that's business. you don't believe in business, madam. i say let the free market decide who represents us. >> well, that's interesting for the free market, and i support the free market. but i also support free elections. >> stephen: can i talk to you about something? can we talk about congress in general for a second right here? you've been in congress awe long time -- >> 25 years. it's my anniversary. that's why i'm here. >> stephen: thank you. >> i'm here for my 25th anniversary. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: they are holding hearings in the house of representatives right now about women's reproduction. okay. it's a bunch of guys up there. >> right, five guys, five guys. that would be all right for hamburgers but not for -- >> stephen: what do you have against five guys up there holding this? aren't guys really the ones who should be talking about reproductive rights because

we're the ones who have the responsibility of telling the lady it's really her responsibility. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> you have defined the problem very well. >> stephen: thank you very much. but-- did you think when you startestarted in congress 25 yeo that you'd be debating contraception 25 years later? >> well, i knew over the years that we tried to tell people that this was an issue in congress, but, frankly, they didn't believe it. >> stephen: as a conservative catholic, i don't understand it, either. rick santorum and i,un-- you know, we love making babies. ( laughter ) ( applause ) what's-- what's wrong with that? why are women-- why are women so obsessed with controlling their own body? ( laughter ) >> this is a women's health issue. and the size and timing of family -- >> stephen: size does not matter, madam. ( laughter )

isn't it a question of women's rights? >> not women's rights. it's a women's health issue which is very important to every family. a mother's health and the health of ther children as she and her husband and their doctor and their god decide what that is. but it isn't up to five guys sitting around the table in washington, d.c. to determine what that-- what that size and timing will be. now, i have five children. they're all grown, i have grandchildren -- >> stephen: congratulations. >> yes, yes, yes i'm very proud of that. i am, should i say, a practicing catholic, by the book-- i love my church -- >> stephen: i don't need to know. >> more information. >> stephen: don't need to know, don't need to know. >> i respect what mr. santorum thinkthinks and believes for hi, but i think-- i think that it would be wise for the dwam to tn to understand, maybe they need a lesson in the birds and bees or whatever it is, but there has to

be another way. >> stephen: can we make a deal? >> anything. >> stephen: this disclose act, is it fortunate you? >> yes, it's very important. >> stephen: if i throw my weight behind the disclose act, if i support disclose act, will you encourage the democratic members of the house of representatives to do my "better know a district" series? >> it's a deal. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's a deal! let's put california's 8th up on the board! looks like somebody just sparked up some medical marijuana. nancy pelosi, everybody. the disclose act. it's got to happen. we'll be right back.