captioning sp captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! welcome to the "report"! (cheers and applause)

good to have you with us, welcome, everybody. thank you so much. welcome! (cheers and applause) folks, i've got to tell you, it's good to be back with americans! because i spent last night with hollywood. (laughter) watching the three hour liberal cluster fart known as the oscars. (laughter) now, i'm a huge fan of billy crystal but i was shocked that in the opening film he appeared as sammy davis, jr., in black face! then for the rest of the evening, no black face. (laughter) you've got to commit. did sammy davis, jr., ever stop pretending to be a black man? no, it's a shonda! well, that's not what made me mad. this is what made me mad! >> i grew up in new zealand

pakistan. (speaking french) >> stephen: we have outsourced our self-congratulatory stroke fest! (cheers and applause) this is the movies that are destroying america! fracking. oscar edition. first up "the artist" which usurped five trophies last night including best actor, best director, and best picture. now, i didn't see this movie. i don't see any film that doesn't have the number "2" or the word "furious" in the title. (laughter) turns out the artist is a black-and-white french film about the golden era of silent movies. sorry, francois, but if i wanted

to pay money to see a black-and-white relic i'd buy the "new york times." (laughter) and naming this best picture is an outrage! when you buy a movie ticket you are paying for sound and light and plenty of it. (laughter) when i go to the movie theater i want the brightest loudest movie imaginable. a cacophony of bright colors, dazzling lights and deafening explosions. if it doesn't produce epileptic seizures, i demand my money back. (laughter) i go in with a fight stick. that's why i say the famous film of 2012 was "transformers: dark of the moon." >> our planet will survive! >> stephen: but the liberal eliteist stops over at the academy motion pictures arts and

sciences didn't honor it because it didn't have pretentious cinematography or period set design or a plot. (laughter) that ends now, folks, because i am proud to present le film de la transformateur: le noir de la lune! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: l'oscar, s'il vous plait. the next movie attacking our freedom, the iranian film "the separation." by the way, if iran isn't seeking nuclear weapons, how could my graphics department make that explosion so big?

(laughter) the persian menace nabbed the oscar for best foreign language film, a bunch of propaganda about an iranian family struggling with divorce, an elderly father suffering from alzheimer's and a child caught in the mid-who will just wants both parents to keep loving each other. this is an iranian plot to enrich my emotions. (laughter) and these fools gave iran its first-ever oscar! which means they finally have the vital gold-plated core necessary to arm a nuclear bomb! (applause) i mean, remember... am i the only one who remembers? we would never have defeated japan without joan crawford's best actress oscar for "mildred pierce." (laughter) but academy, listen to me carefully, academy, all is forgiven if next year you just honor a movie opening this friday.

"the lorax." (cheers and applause) now, don't ge me wrong! don't get me wrong, folks. i'm no fan of dr. seuss. not after what those kids did to pop. (laughter) he suffered massive internal hemorrhaging. (laughter) now, i didn't like this book, okay? first of all, it was a book. (laughter) second, it was an environmental j.d. about a little orange tree hugger trying to kill the good producing jobs that was being created with nothing more than unwanted truffula tree tufts. (laughter) but i do like this movie because it's nearly 70 different product tie-ins and everybody know it is more tie-ins, the more good something is. (laughter) that's why my favorite movie and favorite candy is apocalypse now and laters. (laughter) (cheers and applause)

of course those of us with of a certain age remember the adds. (laughter) but i love one lorax product tie in more than any other. >> who delivers outstanding fuel efficiency without compromising the joy of driveing? mazda. and who received the only certified truffula tree seal of approval? mazda. and who... >> i don't know, you've only said it like a billion times! >> only mazda could renaj driving with revolutionary sky active technology. >> stephen: yes, the lorax is selling the new mark kotsay da c.x. 5 crossover s.u.v. now, it's not a polluting

vehicle, it's a hybrid in that it uses a combination of gas and oline. (laughter) i personally think dr. seuss would only be disappointed that the lorax has only 70 product tie ins so the producers of the movie i say this sellout is not quite enough. i'm demanding more branding of loraxian stuff. with what you can buy, the sky is the limit. a filet-o-fish meal with real humming fish in it. filmmakers get cracking the market is lack ago splendiferous scene made of fracking or the fine something all people need, indeed you'll succeed if you sold us a sneed. or if you only take all the truffula tufts off the trees by the lake, they're comfy and thick as the thick irony of the lorax and seuss hocing big s.u.v.s. (cheers and applause)

we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) hey ladies. this movie is not for you! and neither is dr pepper ten. 23 flavors from 10 manly calories. it's what guys want. like this! catch phrase!

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: you're very kind! welcome back, everybody. why not? nation, tomorrow is the michigan primary and mitt romney knows he's got to win it. so on friday he gave the speech of a lifetime at detroit's ford field. >> g.o.p. presidential candidate mitt romney's big economic

speech in detroit was dwarfed and overshadowed by its location-- ford field. while romney drew a crowd of about 1,200 people yesterday, the 65,000 empty stadium seats... well, kind of hard not to notice those >> yeah, there were a lot of empty seats but the important thing is mitt really connected with those empty seats by also being plastic and uncomfortable. (cheers and applause) he's back. jim? >> this feels good being back in michigan. you know, the trees are the right height. (laughter) >> stephen: once again, romney is the only one with the courage to address the issue of michigan tree heights. (laughter) meanwhile obama remains suspiciously silent on our national tree altitude controversy. don't get me started on those

sequoias in california. look, i'm flattered but i'm not into that life-style. then to clinch the crucial michigan primary mitt went to florida to see the daytona 500 where he proves he's just an average motor head. listen to him gush on local radio about closely he follows nascar. >> not as closely as some of the most ardent fans but i have some great friends that are nascar team owners. (audience reacts) >> stephen: we all know that feeling! we all that feeling. what young nascar fan doesn't have his bedroom wall plastered with posters of owner jack roush? (laughter) the roushter! folks, this is the ticket for romney. if he wants to win, dhoshd more of this regular guy stuffbhat he obviously loves. i mean, he should eat hot dogs and say "i love hot dogs,

they're just the right length." (laughter) "the mustard is yellow. that's the right color. the bun has the right bred di then he should mention he goes yachting with his friend carlisle hot dog, iv, the great grandson of the inventor of the hot dog. (laughter) but as great as romney did, rick santorum is confident. he's already looking past michigan to his real opponent, president obama. >> president obama once said he wants everybody in america to go to college. what a snob! (laughter) there are lots of people who go out and work hard everyday and put their skills to task that aren't taught by some liberal college professor trying to indoctrinate them. >> stephen: yeah, what a snob. obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. well, pardon me, your highness, but some of us weren't handed a ticket to harvard by being the biracial son of a single mother on food stamps. (laughter) must be nice. (cheers and applause)

santorum thank you. thank you. (cheers and applause) rick santorum understands the real american dream-- that if you work hard enough your children can have fewer opportunities than you did. (laughter) and santorum knows something even more dangerous about college than the risk that our children might succeed. jim? >> 62% of kids who enter college with some sort of commitment leave without it. >> stephen: now i have no idea if that's a real statistic so i'm going to take that on faith that he didn't yank that out of his ass. (laughter and applause) i'll let some college grad look it up on his fancy internet. (laughter) the point is, a person of faith cannot go to college without losing their belief in god. i mean, look at rick santorum. he has a bachelor's degree, an m.b.a. and a law degree.

he's lomb almost completely lost his faith. he enrolled as a freshmen at penn state he was a 14th century monk. (laughter) it's not just four-year colleges folks. our godless president over here has been pushing a plan to send young people to all sorts of atheist ivory tower institutions. >> tonight i ask every american to commit to at least one year or more of higher education or career training. it can be a community college or a four-year school. vocational training or apprenticeship. >> stephen: vocational training? how dare you, sir? you want to send our good god-fearing children to i.t.t. and they'll come back as truth spouting atheist gay truck mechanics. (laughter) (cheers and applause) i am dealing with this problem

right now. my furnace in the studio has been on the fritz so i had to call in one of these radical leftist repairmen. hank, how's it going over there? >> hello, little god-man. are you anxious for your magic hot-air machine to work again? perhaps you should pray to the invisible bearded father in the sky. >> stephen: hank, you were a devout baptist before you went to trade school. >> oh, yes, but upon learning the nuances of h.v.a.c.-- that's heating, ventilating and air kk to the uninitiated-- the idea of an omniscient cloud man seemed quaint. it is science not yahweh that cools you in the summer and heats you in the winter >> i know that, hank, but h.v.a.c. doesn't explain all the mysteries of the universe? >> i was once like you-- drunk on the opiate of the masses.

then two years plus evenings and weekends as devry revealed the emptiness behind your religious delusions. (laughter) god is dead and base board heating is an abomination! (laughter) >> so what's the problem with my thermostat. >> god only knows. >> stephen: thanks, hank, we'll be right back. (cheend

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. my guest tonight is an american woman who became king of a village in ghana. either a or sasha baron cohen is shooting a new movie. (cheers and applause) please welcome king peggy! (cheers and applause) your majesty, thank you so much for joining us. >> thank you. >> stephen: now this is a vest very interesting story we'll get to in just a moment but first you couldn't have dressed up for me? >> (laughs) >> stephen: is this the official crown you're wearing? >> yes, it's an official crown i'm wearing. it's not gold because i can't take the gold with me right now >> so the gold back in ghana? >> yes. >> stephen: your fascinating story is in the new book "king

peggy, an american secretary, her royal destiny and the inspiring story of how she changed an african village." first of all, explain to the good people of america-- my kingdom-- (laughter) how you became... you're an american citizen now, you were born in gonna. >> yes. citizen now. how you became the king of this village? >> well when my uncle passed away they did the rituals and then i was chosen because i was the first woman so they did it three times to make sure i'm the woman they wanted. >> stephen: so he passes away. did you know he passed away. >> no, i didn't know. they called me at 4:00 in the morning. that has changed my life after today. >> stephen: i would imagine to go from secretary to king would change your life. >> so it's really special. >> stephen: so first of all why king, why not king? >> i'd be a lousy queen because the king is supposed to be in charge of all the executive

positions but if i become a queen, i'd have to listen to the king because i'd have to collect all the data from the town and then talk to the king about it and the king doesn't really work on it i would do everything. >> stephen: so there's a queen over there right now. >> yes, yes, yes. >> stephen: what's she like? (laughter) >> she's okay. >> stephen: is she a bit of a drama queen? >> (laughs) >> stephen: you get along? >> yes, we do get along. >> stephen: so let's go back to how you were chosen. so he passes on, they do a ritual where they... where do they go for this ritual? >> they go to ancestors and pour libations. >> stephen: what's is this lie brags? >> it's schnapps. >> stephen: so in ghana they pour this naps on the ground to find their king? the ancient african schnapps?

why sch napps? >> in the ancient days the people gave them schnappss. then what happens? >> they pour it on the ground and it these steam up. >> stephen: and in the middle of the night you wake up and what do they say in >> they say you are a king for all time right now. which was really something that i wasn't expecting and i was really happy that i was chosen because for a secretary to be a king, not everybody is going to be a king. >> no, that is... i hope you're holding on the the movie rights to this. (laughter) you know who would be great? queen latifah as king peggy. (cheers and applause) fantastic. it's a natural. >> that would be nice! >> stephen: how big is this village? >> we have about 7,000 people. >> stephen: and as king what do you hope the do? >> at the moment... when i went there the town was in a mess. i've been able to help them with

the help from the people of the united states by going to www.kingpeggy.com and they help us to bring water. when i took over there was no clean water and i'm trying to raise funds to have an ambulance for them because they don't have an ambulance and most of the time the people die along the way when they try to take people for medical achievement. >> stephen: so you're a good king? >> i'm a very good king. i'm very good king. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so choosing your leader by pouring schnapps on the ground seems like a fairly effective electoral system. do you think we can use that in the united states? would you team will? because... >> well, we're talking about two different cultures. >> stephen: though we drink a fair amount of schnapps over

here, too. >> this isn't pepper meant schnappss. this is real. >> stephen: what is that like? >> it tastes wonderful. >> stephen: does it taste wonderful right away or after? (laughter) >>p

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: t