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looking for something new. i would love better gas mileage. yeah... it kills me every time i he to go to the pump. that's it. i can't sit here a moment longer. i had no idea ford focus would have all this. this is awesome. does mileage matter? it's 40 miles... 40 miles per gallon. you've got active park assist. perfect. i usually have someone get out of the car and help me parallel park. but now, i don't need that. your mind is blown. it is. now, get a focus with up to $2000 cash back. get into the new at your local ford dealer today. the group of you have said "cool", maybe more than we've ever heard it before. (cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show, here it is your moment of zen. >> santorum supporters, why do you believe that ron paul would be in some sort of conspiracy to help mitt romney and you know what they said to mekong man? you want know tell you, right? >> stephen: tonight tr +*rbgs's a new way to help out the poor--

but don't worry, there's still dozens of ways not to. (laughter) then, the contraception debate heats up. note: heating it up is not an effective form of contraception. (laughter) and my guest is actor william shatner. good, because the studio has a massive triple infestation. (laughter) north korea agrees to suspend its nuclear program. kim jong-il must be rolling over in his shoe box! this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies

and gentlemen, welcome to "the "report"! (crowd chanting "stephen") that's good stuff. (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i can tell even from this distance that that stuff is pure and uncut. (laughter) good to have you with us, folks, nation two big g.o.p. primaries last night. michigan, the wolverine state and arizona the "hey, brown guy, pull over" state. it was really big wins for romney. i mean, taking his home state of michigan by a whopping 3.2%. (laughter) now to those looking for a champion to defeat obama, that seems a little weak but mitt really charged us up. >> we didn't really win by a lot but we won by enough. >> stephen: yes! there's your battle cry.

romney, 2012. enough. (laughter) god, i'm so scared. shake it off! okay, okay. i'm not the only one throughout who is a little mitt-bivalent. conserve 2 +*eu6 columnis column erick erick zorn who wrote "if republicans are not panic and trying desperately to pull bobby jindal in into the race tomorrow, the party leaders must have a death wish." yes! that's the ticket. we can stop obama with jindal's electrifying star power. jimmy, hit me with some jindal juice. >> as a child i remember going to the grocery store with my dad. >> stephen: yes! get bobby jindal out there. if he's not 35 yet, get him a fake i.d., we're desperate. somebody, anybody, rubio, christie, that lady who's not a witch! how about cuato? at this point he's more appealing to women than

santorum. (laughter) folks, i mean it! this is crunch time. if romney performs well next supertuesday then we conservatives know our duty. >> at the end of the day, most republicans are going to get behind romney. >> i think if it ends up being mitt romney, republicans, as they always do, will come together and support him. >> i believe we and we'll unite behind mitt romney. yes. >> stephen: one week from now we will most likely come together and support the guy we're hoping is not the guy. (laughter) jimmy? start the countdown to loving mitt clock. we now have... have... (applause). we now have six days, 23 hours and 59 minutes to find a replacement for this robotic plutocrat who couldn't hold the attention of cats with a can of

tuna. (laughter) but after supertuesday when this clock runs out on, let's say, "suck it up wednesday" we conservatives will dutifully love mitt romney's whole grain lightly toasted vision for a fibrous and regular america. (laughter) it will be good for us. of course, once romney is the nominee, he is going to face allout class warfare, folks, and it's all barack obama's fault. with his plan to eliminate the bush tax cuts for the wealthy, comrade barry here is pitting rich against poor. luckily the poor aren't buying it. and that brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) change we can believe in. ladies and gentlemen, according to a new poll by the congressional newspaper "the hill," 75% of americans think the wealthy should pay 30% or less in taxes. that's good news, rich people.

we got the poor in the palm of our hands. which reminds me... (laughter). don't know where they've been. and, folks, i think the working class are doing this because they know it's in their own self-interest and fox news analyst charlie gasparino knows why. >> most working class people realize that the more you take from the rich, the less it kind of trickles back to them. the bottom line is people want more of their income, they spend more. working class people work. they are dishwashers, they are bar tenners. people that drive cabs want know tip them. for a reason. i tip everybody. i get a hair cut for $15, i add a $5 tip. that's a lot. >> okay. so you actually tip the person who... >> i actually tip my bartenders very well. (laughter). >> stephen: yes, charlie gasparino tips his bartenders very well. (laughter) and they earn that money. they have to spend all night listening to a drunk charlie

gasparino. (laughter) the point is, folks... (applause). when we rich have lower taxes, we spend more and the poor benefit in the form of tips. here's how it works. let's say i'm a hedge fund guy and i take home $27 million. earned every penny. now, if my taxes... are low, when i go out to eat i throw the waitress a couple of bucks. i'm happy; she's paid to seem happy. (laughter) but if president obama changes my marginal tax rate, instead of $27 million, maybe i'm bringing home only $25 million. and if that happens the first thing that me, cavuto and charlie gasparino are going to do is punish the waitress! we can't afford the $13 now. hell, we might have to dine and

dash. so thanks to president obama the waitress can't make a living and has to turn to a life of prostitution. incidentally, prostitution, great tips. (laughter) now we have got... i say to help america, to bring this this economy back, to help the working poor we've got to do just the opposite. let's cut rich people's taxes completely because if we do it logically follows that doing so will make us rich people so generous that working folks can earn their entire income from tips-- as they should. in fact, a new bill in florida would allow employers to pay tipped workers a lower minimum wage. from $4.65 down to $2.13 an hour. (audience reacts) there's no problem there! florida is known for its generous tippers. (laughter)

i mean, the elderly know what a young person needs to survive in 1945. (laughter) of course, remember, this was very important, employers, you can pay $2.13 an hour only to tipped workers so obviously everyone should now be a tipped worker. for instance, i think a plumber wouldn't need a union paycheck if he got a healthy tip every time he snaked out your trap. now, the best part... (laughter). the best part is the plumber comes with a ready-made tip jar. (laughter) and wisconsin's teachers would never have been striking if, instead of a salary, the rich kids tipped them. you know, if the service was good. and this... (laughter). this new economic model would work even better for the most important job of all. voting.

right now we don't get paid for it. but i know that i would be willing to tkpwra +*es grease yr palm if you provide me with some good voter service. by, let's say, voting for a candidate who would cut your services and cut my taxes. (laughter) because working-class people only able to make a living wage by pleasing me so i might leave a few coins on the counter, that's some change i can believe in. (laughter) and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody. thank you, sir. nation, anybody who watch this is show knows i never rush to judgment. i wake up early, shower and shave, eat a full breakfast, then accuse you of being a horse molesterrer. (laughter) yes, i said "molesterrer." (laughter) this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) folks, president obama's recent tussle with catholic bishops has made birth control a controversy for the first time in years! it is such a fun throwback! i hope the next thing we're

arguing over is the gyrations of elvis' pelvis! we've got to keep our daughters away from that negro music! well, there's been a new money shot across the bow in the battle over contraception. 50 years after the advent of the birth control pill for women, a reproductive biologist in kansas says he may have come up with a compound that would essentially be the first birth control pill for men. >> stephen: folks, this is dangerous. (laughter) if birth control becomes widely available to men they might want to have a lot of sex. (laughter) that's why i'm giving a wag of my finger to the spermicidal maniacs to the university of kansas who developed this pill. any of us who have attended mass at the church of the immaculate santorum know... (cheers and applause) know that contraception is an

affront to all that's holy. and birth control has some unintended side effects. >> when you were campaigning in iowa you told an evangelical blog if elected you would talk about what "no president has talked about before. -- the dangers of contraception." why? >> what i was talking about is the increasing number of children being born out of wedlock in america. >> stephen: yes. contraception leads to more babies born out of wedlock. (laughter) the exact same way fire extinguishers cause fires. now we're going to... thank you. thank you. and if we're going to give men access to this birth control pill, we need to do it responsibly. every sperm that has potential to be a human being waiting to be born. so before we give men the power to just wipe them out, we must be sure that they see the face of that sperm.

(laughter) that is why i'm calling for a law requiring all men who want this pill so first submit to a transurethral ultrasound. (cheers and applause) totally noninvasive procedure with the exception of the ultrasound wand jammed up the wing-wang. (laughter) you just get it up there and look around up periscope! ping! you will... you men will think twice about taking that pill assuming you survive. now folks... (laughter). everyone knows... (applause). next next up, folks, everyone knows advertisers love the youth

demographic that's why my show is geared toward infants. oh, which reminds me, breaking news, peekaboo! (applause) that always gets me. i mean, where did i go? one of life's great mysteries. not supposed to know, i guess. that's why i was so excited by a brand new baby trend. for more we go to america's most trusted news source, two women swilling chardonnay at 10:00 a.m. >> so in brooklyn and apparently this trend started in australia they have something called baby chinno. they are cappuccinos for babies. one of the baristas in brooklyn is serving a handful of them everyday. >> yes, baby ccinos and their even younger beverage fetal lattes. so a tip of my hat for hooking babies on the foam dragon. anyone with a baby knows it's always impossible to get them up

in the morning. some sleep until nearly 4:00 a.m. according to one parent who brings her kids in for babyccinos, they just love the taste of coffee, i drink coffee everyday of the year so they like it, too. yes, parents, everything you do everyday your kids should do the same. for instance, a lot of parents can't have a coffee without a cigarette so it's time we started selling kids virjunior slims. you've come a long way, actual baby. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a legendary actor with a one-man show on broadway. i hope he realizes this interview is also going to be a one-man show. (laughter) please welcome william shatner. (cheers and applause) sir! what a pleasure. please. >> thank you. thank you. >> thank you. >> stephen: well, well, well, we meet at last. >> well, at last. it's a long-awaited moment in my life. (laughter). >> stephen: this is a bit of a clash of icons here. >> really? >> stephen: we're both renaissance men. >> we are. >> stephen: you, sir are an actor who start in shakespeare, you've done broadway, movies, t.v., you've got emmies for "boston legal," "the practice."

you did "t.j. hooker" "barbary coast" "(bleep) my dad says" memoirs, priceline, you're a horseman! >> the only demeaning thing is that you had to read it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: sir, it's the only thing that keeps my hands steady is having it printed. >> i notice you clean your hand a lot. >> i do, i do. i'm kulsive. now... (laughter). you've got a new broadway one man show. >> i do. >> stephen: it's called "shatner's world." >> what else would you call it? >> stephen: well said. are there anything since... everyone's talked about you for years, everyone knows bill... can i call you bill? >> no. >> stephen: okay. (laughter) bill, when people go to see this... are they really shocked. is there any... >> they're going to be shocked. >> stephen: what are they

going to learn about you? >> they're going to learn and be shocked about the entertainment, the laughs. >> stephen: but what about your past? this is a long career. what will they learn? >> they'll learn about love and life and music and horses about my career, about interviews, shows that i do that work and some that don't. (laughter). >> stephen: could this be part of your show one day? >> no, no, my friend, this is working so well. (laughter) >> stephen: my favorite show of yours is "barbary coast" from 1975. 14 episodes, it was a shame they took that off. >> a real shame. >> stephen: everybody, of course, knows you mostly for captain kirk. >> i know. (cheers and applause) and i do about 15 minutes on "star trek" but mostly about the national space and whatever else it is. national space administration... >> stephen: yes, it's so important i can tell. >> it's called nasa and i don't know what it stands for.

>> stephen: the rocket point. >> that thing that goes up in the air. >> stephen: i don't want to talk about, like, the episodes. i don't want to talk about all the different people you work with. i want to talk about you and... >> life and love. >> stephen: about "star trek" for a second. i just have to say just man to man. >> yes? >> stephen: how goddamn beautiful you were on that show. (applause) i mean, at the end of that... okay. >> man to man? man to man, look at that. the man is a weakling. weakling. great mind but no body. >> stephen: they did not need lights on that set. >> i was so interested in what i said i didn't hear you. >> stephen: you glowed. you glowed. you were a golden god. >> yes, i was. >> stephen: did you know you were beautiful? >> i did. (laughter) and i gloried in every moment of

it. >> stephen: why do you... >> why do you use the past tense? >> stephen: what? (laughter) because... because... >> yes? yes? >> stephen: now you're more beautiful. >> thank you very much. >.>> stephen: now you're beautiful on the inside. >> the inside is beautiful, but outside like a flower that's slowly dying and has its own beauty, that's what i am. >> stephen: like an orchid is beautiful in its youth but later gives us the shriveled vanilla bean which we can then turn into a delicious treat. (laughter) >> or thing a red scent of death that you know will renew itself in due time. >> stephen: exactly. we all be compost eventually. (laughter) now why do you do so much? don't you know at a certain point you can just phone it in? i've done a thousand shows. i'm phoning in tonight, i guarantee you. >> i know. and i'm on the other end of the line. this is terrible. >> stephen: hello? can you hear me now. >> no, i can't. >> stephen: but why do you do so much?

because it's there to be done. it's why did mallory climb the mountain? >> stephen: unsuccessfully. he died. >> true but he didn't know that until that final moment when he took that tumble. (laughter) up until that moment he thought he was going to make it. >> stephen: so you're still going up? you're going unmount shatner! >> exactly! and i will climb it to my death. >> stephen: you will plant your flag. >> yes, my flag. (laughter) if i take that pill. (laughter) >> stephen: we could do that this all night. >> no, we can't, i gotta go. (laughter). >> stephen: but, bill, as you've specifically asked me not to call you, it's been such a pleasure to meet you. >> i wish i could say the same. >> stephen: thank you very much. the show is "shatner's world, we just live in it." see it on broadway. >> it goes on tour.

>> stephen: what? what? >> it goes on tour! across the united states starting march 10. that's all i really wanted to say. >> stephen: well, then we'll cut everything else of the interview and just leave that. >> you might be wise to do so. >> stephen: mr. shatte shatner,k