- this program is rated tv ma-l and contains strong language and adult content. viewer discretion advised. - this is the comedy central roast of donald trump. [three 6 mafia's it's hard out here for a pimp] - ♪ know it's hard out here ♪ for a pimp ♪ when he trying to get this money ♪ ♪ for the rent ♪ for the cadillacs and gas money spent ♪ - let's go. - starring... - no, you have to. it's the president. - ♪ so i'm praying - good morning, mr. trump. - how are you? - hello, everybody. - i have a deal for you to finalize. - good. - ♪ when he trying to get this money for the rent ♪ - i like that. - ♪ for the cadillacs ♪ and gas money spent - thanks. - yeah, i'm getting him to the roast now. - and your roast master seth macfarlane. - ♪ you know it's hard out here for a pimp ♪

- ready? - they've got nothing on me. - the comedy central roast of donald trump. and now please welcome your roast master, seth macfarlane. [cheers and applause] - thank you. hey. thank you. thank you. good evening, ladies and gentlemen. i'm seth mcfarlane, and welcome to the comedy central roast of donald trump. [cheers and applause] or as donald calls it, the trump comedy central trump roast of donald trump trump trump trump trump. how do you prepare for a night like this? personally, i smoked a lot of pot. [cheers and applause] and clearly don't give a shit about this show. so i'm--i'm kind of the perfect host for this roast or for the oscars. [laughter]

before we get started, though, i do have some sad news. recently, the roast lost a very talented and beloved performer, and it would be wrong not to acknowledge him and to say how much he'll be missed. larry king died ten minutes ago. [laughter and applause] come on, larry, you're old. don't deny it. every time you lie, your balls grow longer. and we've got some other familiar faces up here on the dais. we've got whitney cummings and lisa lampanelli. [cheers and applause] very nice. um, you ever play fuck, marry, kill? let's see, i think i would fuck whitney, marry lisa, and kill myself. [laughter and applause] and my friend marlee matlin is here tonight. [cheers and applause]

it's fitting that marlee is here for the roast of trump, because marlee is appearing on the new celebrity apprentice. she will be competing for a charity that's yet to be announced, but will probably be some deaf bullshit. [laughter] what does that-- what does that mean? what am i doing? [laughter] and snoop dogg is here. wow. hey. [cheers and applause] now, snoop, be honest, please. when you were backstage, did you... you know, blow jeff ross? [cheers and applause] - yes. yes, he did. - okay. i'm gonna remember that. - now, since our man of the hour was foolish enough to agree to this, let's get started making one more piece of garbage with donald trump's name on it... [laughter] and take a look back at some of his other bad decisions.

- my name is donald trump. the name is hot, and it sells. i own everything-- jetliners, golf courses... i own virtually everything. [hip-hop music] no matter where i go in the world, people want me. so i had a lot of success. success. success. i believe in bragging about yourself. - do you name things after yourself because you're afraid you won't be able to find them? - ♪ i whip my hair back and forth ♪ ♪ i whip my hair back and forth ♪ - it's my real hair, believe it or not. you know, it's actually mine. - i know it's not a hairpiece, but i have no idea what it is. - looks like you killed a squirrel to me and put it right on top of your head. - it's the rosie o'donnell- donald trump war, and it's on. - rosie o'donnell's disgusting. i'd look her right in that fat, ugly face, and i'd say, "rosie, you're fired." i'm gonna fire the asses off

each and every one of 'em. you're fired. you're fired. you were the project manager, and you lost, and i didn't like what you did. - it is gonna be a [bleep] nightmare. - joan is not gonna be happy. [glass shatters] frankly, if you were running a company, you'd destroy that company. you're fired. you're fired. you're fired. - you know, it felt good to fire someone. - it's actually fun, isn't it? [rock music] ♪ [cheers and applause] - i still love you. - please welcome the second worst tragedy ever to hit new york city. ladies and gentlemen, donald j. trump. [cheers and applause] [bachman-turner overdrive's takin' care of business] ♪

- ♪ and i'll be takin' care of business ♪ ♪ every day ♪ takin' care of business - wow. - ♪ i've been takin' care of business ♪ ♪ it's all mine - nice. whoa. ♪ [applause] oh, boy, oh, boy. - you know, it's good to see you, donald. we've just met, but it's good to see you. tonight, we honor a self-made millionaire. he started with nothing, worked hard, and made a fortune. that man is fred trump, donald's dad. [laughter] [cheers and applause] that's right. for all of his self-starter bullshit, he's basically jaden smith with a comb-over. [laughter]

you're a grown man. you got hair like dennis the menace. what's going on here? did you--did you fall headfirst into a cotton candy machine? what happened? um, by the way, the producers have asked me to interpret that last joke for the handicapped person on our stage. duh, hey, situation... [laughter, cheers, and applause] rich guy have funny hair. and, donald, as long as i have you here, it's pronounced "huge," not "yuge." and here's another one. it's pronounced, "i am fucking delusional," not "i am running for president." [laughter]

that's right. trump says-- he says he's gonna run for president in 2012. [cheers and applause] but if his plan for america is to fire everyone, he's about two years too late. but for me, it's kind of tough to vote for a guy whose resting facial expression is "who farted?" [laughs] he also sells trump cologne, and, fellas, that stuff can really get you laid. basically, you pour it onto a cloth and press it to a woman's face until she... [laughter] stops struggling. but even when you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth, hard times can strike, and that's just what happened to donald. he was even forced into the ultimate act of degradation-- starring in his own reality show.

and soon the top-rated tv show in the nation starred a total asshole torturing people who were stupid enough to work with him. in addition to two and a half men, the apprentice was also a pretty popular show. this guy has an ego. when trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off. [laughter] [cheers and applause] all jokes aside, though, i was thrilled when they offered me the opportunity to roast such a brilliant, charismatic, totally self-made billionaire who i believe will one day run this country. then the facebook guy cancelled, and we got stuck with your bloated ass. so congratulations on your big night, mr. trump. [cheers and applause] and now, donald, let's get our first roaster up here to knock you down like the homeless shelter you had destroyed on the way here.

so as she huffs and puffs and rolls her way to the podium, please welcome the queen of mean, lisa lampanelli. [cheers and applause] - oh, thank you, seth. i love seth macfarlane. he's a handsome, well-groomed confirmed bachelor who sings show tunes. he's gayer than ryan seacrest's asshole. [laughter] i joke, seth. i love your work. i especially like that weird baby you made with the enormous football-shaped head. oh, wow, sorry, that was for my sarah palin roast. [exclamations] ah. look at marlee, sitting up there like she's normal.

hey, marlee. you read lips, right? what's my camel toe saying? [giggles] wow. look who it is. larry king. yes, larry king is a legend. in this business, larry king is known as a triple threat. at any time, he could have a heart attack, stroke, or shit his pants. [laughter] larry king is an elderly bastard. seriously, those suspenders aren't for his pants. they're for his balls. [laughter] speaking of old crips, snoop dogg is here. [cheers and applause] on a past roast, snoop claimed i wanted to bang him. please, if i want to bang a skinny black man

with braids, i'll call alicia keys. [laughter] - ooh. - snoop's not the only musical artist on the dais. marilyn manson is here. oh, i'm sorry. that's whitney cummings. you know, whitney, people in this business hate you because you're beautiful and thin. not me. i hate you because you're a cunt. [laughter] anthony jeselnik is here. i'll pause for a few moments so those of you at home can wikipedia him. [laughter] it's great you're here, anthony. what happened? is daniel tosh busy getting fisted in key west? [laughter] it's great to see my old friend jeffrey ross here tonight, doing what he does best-- sitting and watching funny people tell jokes.

wow, jeff, you're even uglier than you were last year. look at that hair. look at that mop. i've seen better hair on susan boyle's taint. [laughter] don't you laugh at a hair joke, trump. look at that helmet. what do you say to a barber to get that type of hair cut? "i fucked your daughter"? [laughter] situation from the jersey shore. you're all over television. and you have a book out. i tried ordering your book on amazon.com. amazon said customers who bought this book also bought a rope and a stool. [laughter] but enough about chachi. let's get to the reason we're all here tonight-- donald trump. donald, tonight, people will make fun of your looks.

fuck 'em! you've always gotten beautiful women. you've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. you've disappointed more women than sex and the city 2. you are the ultimate proof that money can buy good-looking pussy. if you were broke, you'd be fuckin' me. [cheers and applause] but that's all behind him now. donald is very happy with his lovely wife "insert name here." [laughter] i joke. donald's wife's name is melania, which is slovenian for "get that wrinkled penis off of me." in closing, i would like to thank you, donald trump, for letting me make fun of you tonight.

mr. trump, you are someone to be admired. you have overcome obstacles to become a huge success. you've put up more worthless hotels than an autistic kid playing monopoly. still you have made trump more than just a name. you've made it a brand. a brand. like massengill. because you're a bloated, stinky douche. thank you. good night. [cheers and applause] - coming up, larry king, snoop dogg, whitney cummings, the situation, marlee matlin, anthony jeselnik, and jeff ross.

[cheers and applause] - welcome back to the roast of donald trump. uh, now we do want to take a quick moment between cock jokes to acknowledge the loss of a brilliant comedian and one of the all-time great roasters, greg giraldo. [cheers and applause]

we want to thank him for all the laughs he brought us and recognize all the big laughs that he would have brought us here tonight. greg, we will miss you. [cheers and applause] well, tonight we are proud and happy to be joined by larry king. as a tv host, he knew exactly when to retire, but he stayed another 20 years anyway. [laughter] he has a spine like a question mark, as if his body is asking, "how did i get seven women to fuck me?" [laughter] ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a chattering pirate skeleton on loan from disneyland, my pal, larry king. [cheers and applause] - this is my career? it's come to this? it's a thrill to be here, roasting my dear friend.

to prepare for this event, i read jeff ross' book about roasts. jeff, my last pre-nup was funnier. [laughter] and unlike you, i wrote it myself. [laughter] let's take some calls. [laughs] [laughter] my good friend snoop dogg said that jeff's book was unreadable. but that's because snoop can't read. [laughter] if you're just joining us, by the way, we're here with lisa lumpy belly. [laughter] lisa is a shock comic, but only if you look at her face. [laughter] turn down your radio! coming up in this hour, we'll talk to mike "the situation" sorrentino. situation has a new fragrance out called the sitch,

which is also what you call yourself when you can't spell your own nickname. [laughter] by the way, caller, you have a question? [laughs] folks, you've got to try this garlique. it goes down easy, just like whitney cummings. [laughter] marlee matlin. marlee, always a pleasure. what on earth are you doing here? you won the academy award for children of a lesser god, and then nothing for years. i don't understand it. you were so convincing playing a deaf woman. [laughter] lansing, michigan, you're on the air. [laughter] and now snoop dogg. i love snoop. d-o-double-gizzle. that can't be right. snoop told me during the break that once he had a dna test that found he is only 71% black. is that true? unless my math is wrong, if you're 71% black,

you're 29% not guilty. [laughter] congratulations. donald trump is not only one of my oldest and dearest friends, he's also an american success story. when he graduated college, he put his shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, borrowed $6 million from his father, and started a career. [laughter] donald trump, without a doubt, you're a new york landmark, which means it's only a matter of time until you bulldoze yourself to build some gaudy, tacky monstrosity and put your name on it. [laughter] we'll be right back. [laughter] [cheers and applause] - great, larry. that's great, larry. [cheers and applause] - larry king. come on. [applause]

all right, snoop dogg is up next. [cheers and applause] that right there was my impression of the receptionist at a parole office. uh, make way for the most dangerous man in 1993, snoop dogg. [cheers and applause] [hip-hop music playing] ♪ - seth macfarlane. give it up for seth macfarlane, y'all. [cheers and applause] hey, yo, seth, fyi. ain't no niggas watching the cleveland show. [laughter] from me to you, no shit. i know we're here to roast donald trump, but, uh, i gotta give a shout out to my main man, larry king, in the motherfuckin' house. [cheers and applause] larry, you know how we is. larry is cool, but backstage, i handed him a joint, and he rubbed bengay into it. [laughter]

we got lisa lampanelli in the house. [cheers and applause] now, let me tell you, lisa is a stone cold freak. [laughter] lisa fucked larry king, don king, rodney king, and billie jean king in a burger king bathroom. [laughter] i mean, this bitch loves to eat, for real. if you want to fuck lisa doggy style, all you gotta do is put a bowl of food on the floor. [laughter] now trip. lisa's had so much sex with so many different brothers, we've even gave her rap names for her fat ass. notorious p.i.g. [laughter] you gonna like this one, russell. ton dmc. [laughter] busta busta nut in your face. [laughter] and my favorite, snoop chili dog in your motherfuckin' mouth. [laughter]

mm-mm-mm. hey, marlee. marlee. you so fine. having sex with you would be like rolling up on someone. you'd never hear me coming. [laughter] now trip. i walked past marlee's dressing room tonight when she was, uh, going over her lines, and it sounded like someone was clubbing a seal. [laughter] whitney cummings. look at your fine, little skinny ass sitting up there. i roll blunts fatter than you, but you've been passed around a little bit more. [laughter] but right now, things are popping for whitney, y'all. everybody in hollywood is talking about her, and they all saying the same thing. "i think that bitch gave me herpes." [laughter] this is an ugly business, man. i mean, look at jeff ross. [laughter] he's one ugly motherfucker. now, when jeff was born,

his mother shit during the delivery, and when she looked down, she thought she had twins. [laughter] that's why he's so corny. look at his droopy face, saggy skin, rubbery, wet lips. if jeff had a string hanging from his mouth, he'd look like lisa's pussy. [laughter] no, but seriously, though, i like jeff, though. you know why i like jeff? 'cause he would do anything to get a laugh except say something funny. [laughter] i gotta say a few more things about my girl snooki over there. [laughter] oh, that ain't snooki? oh, my bad. i'm sorry. all white people who act black look alike to me. sorry. [cheers and applause] so, uh, the situation's a rapper now, huh? shit, i heard his rhymes. the best thing you ever spit was seth macfarlane's jizz-izzle.

[laughter] check out your hair, your shaved chest, your plucked eyebrows. there used to be a word for guys like you, and that word was "gay." [laughter] i guess that's still the word. [laughter] hey, man, stop lifting your shirt up like a prison bitch, or else go out on the corner and get me some motherfuckin' money before i go upside your head with this coat hanger. [cheers and applause] now, it's time to talk about the real player-- don juan, donald trump, the donald. [cheers and applause] now, from me to you, donald, i wish i had half of your money. but for that, you need a 20-year-old's pussy and a divorce lawyer. [laughter] now, i may not have half his paper, but i got twice the dick, and you can believe that. [laughter] but on the real, though,

i'd love to fuck one of trump's ex-wives just to know what it's like to come into money. [laughter] - whoo! [cheers and applause] donald say he wants to run for, uh, president and move on into the white house. why not? it wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home. [laughter] [cheers and applause] but on the real, though. donald, you know i got love for you, man, and some real shit, and i ain't playin'. from one pimp to another, much respect. keep banking that scrilla, and after the show, come by my dressing room. i got a couple 19-year-olds in there, some sticky icky icky, and i'll get you so high that you'll fire yourself and put my name on the motherfuckin' towers. i'm out. [cheers and applause] - well done, snoop. great job. great. [cheers and applause]

- coming up, whitney cummings, marlee matlin, and the situation.

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[cheers and applause] - our next roaster, whitney cummings, can be seen this summer in her one-woman show, how to succeed in business without really swallowing. [laughter] she's got the body of a crack whore, but she's got the razor-sharp wit of a crack whore.

[laughter] now, some people say whitney struggles with bulimia, but i'd--i'd say she's actually pretty good at it. [laughter] please welcome the drag queen of mean, whitney cummings. [cheers and applause] - wow. keep it going for homo simpson. [laughter] i don't even know where to start. i guess i'll start with larry king, because, i don't know, tick-tock. um, larry king, you have had a heart attack, bypass surgery, you have heart disease, and you recently got stents placed in your coronary artery. take a hint-- god wants you to die. [laughter] the situation is here tonight. this is actually very exciting for me. [cheers and applause] yeah, clap it up. i actually love the jersey shore. the jersey shore cast is italian,

but at first i thought that they were mexican because they're so tan and they're always doing laundry. [laughter] the situation, you are ridiculous. what is it with that spiky hair? your hair is so black and fried, lisa doesn't know whether to eat it or fuck it. [laughter] and you need to stop tanning right now, mr. situation. you are so orange, snoop dogg should be wearing you while he's on his knees, blowing his cellmate. [laughter] whoo! people make fun of the situation. they make fun of the fact that he's always lifting up his shirt to show his abs. i endorse it. in fact, mr. situation, i suggest you lift up your shirt even higher so that it covers this situation. [laughter] [cheers and applause] snoop dogg is, of course, here. hilarious. a round of applause for snoop. come on, that was hilarious. [cheers and applause] snoop, you have butchered the english language in your music.

you have two gs in the word "dog." you use izzle and fizzle at the end of everything. you speak worse english than marlee matlin. [laughter] lisa lampanelli is here. lisa, thanks for making time to be here. i know you're very busy starring in i didn't know i was pregnant. [laughter] anthony jeselnik is making his first appearance on the roasts. this is the first time someone has lost their virginity around donald trump without him having to promise them american citizenship. [laughter] [cheers and applause] and now for the man of the hour, donald trump, everybody. give him a round of applause. [cheers and applause] come on. donald trump, you are known for your terrible haircut, and now i can see why. your hair sucks. you look like justin bieber caught on fire. [laughter] you're obviously very rich. donald trump is literally rolling in dough, which means he knows what it's like

to fuck lisa lampanelli. [laughter] donald, you are gross, nobody likes you, but you come back every couple years and nobody knows why. you're like the mcrib. [laughter] you got melania a huge 12-carat diamond engagement ring. you should not have gotten her a diamond. now she knows what hard is supposed to feel like. [audience ohs] - whoo! yeah! - you recently said that you wanted to run for president. that is such a publicity stunt. if i wanted to support a greedy whore who's pretending to run for president just to get on tv, i'd vote for sarah palin. [cheers and applause] i'd say stick to your real estate, but all of your buildings are hideous. the taj mahal in new jersey is horrible. there hasn't been a shithole that big on the shores of new jersey since the situation took it to the ass from pauly d. [laughter] [cheers and applause]

donald, you're also, of course, responsible for that awful show, the apprentice. the worst part of that show is having to stare at your face. your face is so big and bloated with such a bad hairpiece, i'm surprised it's not married to kelly preston, pretending not to be gay. [laughter] [cheers and applause] ah! on your show, the apprentice, you have had nene leakes from the real housewives, brande roderick, and lisa rinna. you've given more uneducated whores on-camera jobs than fox news. [cheers and applause] well, donald, thank you so much for letting us roast you tonight. you're such a good sport. and you're actually pretty handsome, when i see you up close, so if you ever want a fourth wife, hit me up on facebook. i love you guys. thank you so much, new york. [cheers and applause] - up next, the situation, marlee matlin, and jeff ross.

[cheers and applause] - welcome back to the roast. you know, this is a big milestone for the situation, because tonight is the official beginning of his 15th minute of fame. now... a lot of people laughed at him for hooking up with his co-star snooki. but, you know, italians are known for grinding organs with monkeys. no need to clap, he already has it. please welcome the situation. - thanks, jeff. [laughing] - [laughing] - can you believe this guy?

with his capped teeth, his hair products, and his fake tan? i mean... you're actually looking good, bra. now i know a lot of you people are here tonight to watch everyone shit on the dumb guy that all the italians are ashamed of and disgusted by. you know, lisa lampanelli. backstage she took my hand and shoved it down her pants, and i pulled out larry king's teeth! and snoop's two source awards. [chuckling] whitney, what's your deal? you look like the chicks i used to bang before i had all this money. - do it, baby, do it! - you're a chick, right? - yeah. - on the jersey shore, we call ugly chicks "grenades." but, uh, i actually wouldn't call you a grenade, 'cause you're not blowing up any time soon. hey, uh...

[cheers and applause] hey, jeff ross. what's up, man? - what's up, buddy? - jeff, me and you have a lot in common, buddy. - what's that? - we're both from jersey. and tonight's my first night doing comedy. well... - it's also your last night, just so you know. [cheers and applause] - all right, all right. enough of that, enough. all right, all right. i see you lookin' at me over there, anthony jezzle-nut. i know you're a little hater. but i know you're a funny dude as well. 'cause the other night i told one of your super-funny jokes to a supermodel, and she was laughing... while i was bangin' her brains out with a pile of money on the floor of my motherfuckin' mansion. so i got nothing against you, man. i got nothing against you. because she's, like, the fifth model this week to do that,

so... you know what i'm saying, right? maybe not. all right. [crowd booing] oh, boo. now let's get to the real situation. my man, donald trump. - whoo! - yeah, baby. - i mean, look at him. he's pimping. not a lot of guys can pull off wearing a hat like that. people are hating on him because chump is always firing people. but it's kinda okay, 'cause he completely let himself go anyway. donald... [crowd booing] - hey, whoa, hey, chill! you know what, donald? you got the tan, you got the laundry down. but you gotta hit the gym, pork chop. but donald. i like how you roll. i've seen pictures of your house. everything in your house is gold. who the fuck decorated your house, flavor flav's dentist? i'll say this, though. your wife is hot.

the best part is, she married you for love. yup. [crowd booing] she loves money. [crowd booing] oh! hey, what are you gonna do? heeeeeeeeeey! - come on, let him do his thing, come on. let him do--look. - all right. donald trump, you're a baller. you're a shot-caller. you run the game and give the buildings your name. you're the real deal. and i hope some day i can roll chump style. - you called him "chump," not trump. it's trump. you said, "donald chump." - really? well, maybe comedy ain't my game right now, but-- - it's all right. - why don't you finish it off? - could i just show them something? could i just show them something? - sure, show them. - you know the situation? - yeah. that--that definitely is the situation right there. they call me "the saturation." [crowd laughs] - or...or...you know what? actually, "the catastrophe."

but thanks for letting me here tonight. thank you. and before i go, real quick. i gotta say one more thing. mr. trump, i think you should run for president. i probably really mean that's a stupid idea. [cheers and applause] - coming up, anthony jeselnik and marlee matlin.

- all right, we wanna thank the pope for that marvelous speech. holy shit. all right, let's, uh...

let's be honest. our next roaster, anthony jeselnik is here because greg giraldo is dead. well, tonight... anthony jeselnik is going to leave his stamp on the roast. and tomorrow, he's gonna use that stamp to buy food. so please give a nice, warm meal to anthony jeselnik. - thank you. oh, seth mcfarlane, everybody. you know, at first i thought seth was just famous for the family guy. but then i did some research, and he's actually not famous at all. you know... they say you only roast the ones you love. so this is gonna be short.

it's been a rough year for comedy. not only did the world lose greg giraldo... [cheers and applause] but even worse... it kept jeff ross. you know, ross, you've been doing this for a long time, man. i mean, jeff ross has been roasting people since whitney cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother. you know, whitney cummings is one of the hottest acts in show business right now for no reason whatsoever. i mean, whitney has had more undeserved opportunities than a native-american applying for college. i mean, look at this dais. you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug-dealer, a pornographer,

and then eight white people. larry king is here. larry's been married eight times. eight times. jesus, man. you've got 99 problems, and bitches are all of them. larry king is so old, he's actually one of the jews that killed christ. of course, making fun of larry king for being old is like making fun of marlee matlin for being deaf.

it's fun. marlee matlin. are you even listening to me? - what? what? - it's good to see you here tonight, marlee. i was actually shocked to find out that you won best actress at the academy awards and not the special olympics. lisa lampanelli, you're cool. - [laughing] - mike sorrentino. great job, by the way. [cheers and applause] mike, you're doing really well right now.

you've got a ton of endorsement deals. you've got a cologne. a vodka. a workout video. i mean, you've got your name on everything. except a high school diploma. and sitch, i don't wanna tell you how to live your life, man. but if you spent half as much time reading books as you do chasing skanks, you probably wouldn't have aids. - snoop! yo...snoop! snoop! - and now for the man of the hour, mr. donald trump. donald, you've got a great sense of humor. you've been so happy to embarrass yourself on saturday night live and the casino business. you know, donald trump is such a douche bag,

that if you look up the word douche bag in the dictionary, there's a picture of spencer pratt. but if you look close, spencer pratt is holding up a picture of donald trump. and donald, i'm not even sure if you're aware of this, but the only difference between you and michael douglas from the movie wall street is that no one's gonna be sad when you get cancer. [audience ohs] - of course, mr. trump, despite everything i just said, you're a great sport for being here. thank you for letting me be here too. thank you very much. [cheers and applause]

- coming up, marlee matlin, jeff ross, and donald trump.

[cheers and applause] - all right. what can be said about our next roaster, marlee matlin? virtually anything, 'cause she can't hear shit. she appeared on the l word, where she portrayed a deaf lesbian. in fact, marlee has become a hero among deaf lesbians or, as they prefer to be called, earmuffs. please welcome my good pal, marlee matlin.

- well, thank you. as you can see, i'll be speaking with the help of my signer this evening, and to be honest, i'm a little self-conscious about my voice. because i've been told by thousands of people that when i speak it sounds like whitney cummings with a dick in her mouth. i guess i'm the perfect choice for this roast, because like the situation, i, too, have never heard the sound of laughter. in fact, the deaf community has a special sign for everyone up here on the dais tonight. snoop dogg.

the situation. anthony jeselnik. whatever. i don't even know who he is. larry king. seth macfarlane. whitney cummings. lisa lampanelli. and of course, over there is the legendary roastmaster general jeff ross. can you believe that he actually asked me out? i said, "jeff, i'm deaf, not blind!" i have to say, it's such a thrill to be up here with an esteemed peer like lisa lampanelli. i won the oscar for best actress.

and lisa won best in breed at the county fair. not many people know this, but i replaced her on the l word. apparently, the only way she would eat pussy is if it had french fries in it. marlee, i can't do this anymore! she's an oscar-winning actress and--i can't do this. i'm outta here. see you later! [applause] - what? i... can anyone else speak for me? can you talk for me? hello? - i might be of assistance! i will be happy to sign for the great marlee matlin!

ah, the hammerstein ballroom. speaking of ballroom, mr. trump, how are those spanx holding up? as a developer, donald trump has done so much damage to the new york skyline, instead of calling him the donald, they should call him the 20th hijacker! [audience ohs] - too soon! - donald always says money can't buy happiness. but it can buy the best eastern european whores new york city has to offer! donald has told many a tale of vivacious walkers of the night

and their mystical extra hole! they come from a faraway land to suck the blood and ill-gotten bank accounts from wealthy but stupid billionaires. tell us, oh, great trump, where are these women of who you speak who possess the coveted fourth hole? for we shall not rest until we have all experienced the pleasure of the four-hole eastern european whores that are currently doing blow in your dressing room. did i get that right? [cheers and applause]

- sounds good to me. - thank you, mr. trump. you're the best. this has been a real thrill for me. it's not often you get a boss that can laugh at himself. - now, please stop staring at my tits. - up next, jeff ross and donald trump.

- our final roaster of the night, jeff ross, is one of the fattest names in comedy. whenever he walks out on stage, my first instinct is to hurl an angry bird at him.

please welcome the roastmaster general, jeff ross. - well... this is exciting, trump. are you having a good time? - good time. - all right, well, tell your face. all right, i love this. russell simmons, man. it's great to see you, man. very cool guy right there. salute you and all you've done. are you here to sign marlee matlin to def comedy jam? and if you're just tuning in, folks, this is not a memorial for larry king. larry, i love you. you been a great sport tonight. give him some love. the former hunchback of cnn.

his first caller was alexander graham bell. i love you, buddy. and larry king live. even the title was an oxymoron. the first time larry covered an uprising in egypt, he interviewed moses. larry asked him if he thought the whole thing was a pyramid scheme. i love larry. he recently quit his show. he plans on spending his retirement opening a jar. since our last roast, the comedy world has lost a great friend, gary coleman. [laughter] he died recently from multiple aneurysms, which is kinda like different strokes. to gary coleman.

whitney cummings is back again. some of you may recognize her from her porn name, whitney cummings. whitney's so busy these days, currently working on three pilots. and that was just on the flight in. whitney, thanks for yelling your act at us like always. this was the first time marlee's glad she's deaf. actually, what an amazing woman, this marlee-- wasn't she funny tonight? that was awesome. [cheers and applause] that killed. wow. first deaf oscar-winning actress. you know what? and i met her before the show, and i gotta tell you people, what a cunt! i love ya, snoop.

snoop dogg, he's smoked so much weed, he actually had to write a song called, hey, what's my motherfuckin' name? lisa lampanelli. lisa's vagina is so big and full of black dudes, trump's turning it into a housing project. good idea, right, buddy? - not bad. - you know, lisa... her vagina is so beat up, its nickname is rihanna. all: oh! for some reason, donald, the situation is here for ya. i'm looking forward to the cancellation. [cheering] you're the best. i hear the next season of the jersey shore is gonna be shot in italy, is that right? i hope that's just a sneaky way of deporting you.

oh, he's all right. he's all right. let's talk about this guy, the guest of honor, my friend the great one, donald trump, everybody. [cheers and applause] you like my trumpadour? - looks good. - thank you. trying to honor you in every way i can. but donald and i have a lot in common. we both live in new york. we both play golf. we both fantasize about his daughter. ivanka, you're the most beautiful woman in new york. you really are. give her a round of applause. she's awesome. donald, doesn't it drive you crazy that you'll never build anything as high as me and snoop right now? 'cause donald's ego is so big, he videotapes himself masturbating

and then masturbates to that video. donald trump is such an egomaniac, he makes hitler seem like he wasn't completely sure how he felt about jewish people. melania, you look so beautiful tonight. give her a round of applause. she's been a good sport. so gorgeous. these two are so compatible because they both yell out donald's name when they climax. [high voice] "donald!" [low voice] "donald!" and now you're gonna run for president. don't you think that's a really cool idea, you guys? you'll keep 'em honest. you'll keep 'em honest, donald. personally, i hope you win, because i can't wait for the assassina-- i mean, the inauguration. donald trump, by sitting here tonight and letting us do this, you proved to every american voter that you have thick skin, that you can take a joke,

that you are a man of the people. and no matter what happens with the election, you will always be the king of new york city. [cheers and applause] greg giraldo, roast in peace. thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. - fantastic. great job. - up next... donald trump fires back.

[cheers and applause] - and now... at long last, we're going to see something very unusual. donald trump is gonna get up in front of cameras and talk about himself. but before that happens, i wanna see you all in the boardroom. donald, i would love to fire you off this roast tonight because someone needs to be held accountable for this hour and a half we can never get back. and i know what you're gonna say. you're gonna blame your team. and believe me, they are the worst, most incompetent bungling group of losers i've ever seen. but donald, it is your brand that's at stake. so get on up here and defend your legacy. defend yourself. as a man who was born with a silver stick in his ass...

a man who has everything except human emotions... a man who, in addition to everything that's been said about him tonight, has also done a lot of gay stuff... ladies and gentlemen, donald j. trump. - ♪ the best things in life are free ♪ ♪ but you can give them to the birds and bees ♪ ♪ i need money - ♪ that's ♪ what i want - ♪ that's what i want - ♪ that's what i want ♪ - ♪ that's what i want - wow. - ♪ that's what i want - thank you. what a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. especially here where i've made my name and fortune, new york city, great place. now, i know what you're thinking.

mr. trump, sir... why would you ever do this roast? honestly, it was worth it, because it's all going to charity, and they paid a lot, believe me. but the truth is, i specifically hand-picked these recession-era basic cable nobodies so that the city i love, the city that never sleeps, could finally get a well-deserved nap. this dais is the perfect metaphor for where america stands today. look at our economy. barely moving. gasping for air. and desperately clinging to life. very much like larry king. the only difference is, with larry,

we have a never-ending supply of gas. never ends. this great country of ours was built on its entrepreneurial spirit, and that spirit is best demonstrated by none other than my friend snoop dogg. [applause] his is a tale of do-rags to riches. it's true. it's true. he's very proud of that. that's why i'm so happy to see snoop sitting up here next to his former rival... biggie smalls, right here. i want to talk about one of the women on the dais. this amazing lady struggles with a seemingly insurmountable physical handicap. i speak, of course, of whitney cummings.

whitney's career is crippled by her foul mouth. to hear that filthy language from someone so marginally attractive is, frankly, very unpleasant. lisa-- or as i call her, miss usda-- i want you to be a judge at my next miss universe pageant. you're perfect. because like the universe, you're constantly expanding and filled with dark matter. but there are some things that have brought shame upon this great land of ours. besides lisa. i speak of the atrocities

that we as a nation must endure, like the jersey shore. a piece of advice, my greasy friend. you don't need to put all of that product in your hair. you just don't. look how great my hair looks, and i don't use anything. and it looks very good. what's the difference between a wet raccoon and donald j. trump's hair? a wet raccoon doesn't have 7 billion fuckin' dollars in the bank. very funny. okay. very funny. america is going through tough times, and we all need to laugh. true. i know that better days are ahead.

if we believe in ourselves and the way i believe in myself-- and i really do believe in myself-- then come june, if i decide to run, you'll have the great pleasure of voting for the man that will easily go down as the greatest president in the history of the united states. me--donald john trump. god bless america, and good night! good night. - ♪ money money money money ♪ money ♪ money money money money ♪ money ♪ money money money money ♪ money ♪ money money money money ♪ money captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com