( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at

11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> is it okay to call a woman that? >> i think it's a compliment of sorts. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by medi captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report," everybody. thank you for joining us. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you so much. oh, nation, anybody who watches

this show knows that i am a huge player in rock 'n' roll. so naturally i am fan of seattle's experience music project. the rock 'n' roll museum that keeps the music alive with their annual conference. it's a weekend long music festival in the tradition of woodstock, but unstead of jamming to your favorite band, you're jaming to a series of panel discussions and presentations of scholarly papers. you know their motto: less rock, more talk. well, this year's conference has so many amazing dissertations like, when bobby went bob, the assassination of r.f.k. and the collapse of ring-a-ding urban masculinity, and i love a pride parade, temporary spaces and split sides kitsch among lgbp marching bands. [laughter] of course, i was into lgbt marching bands way before their

kitsch became politicized in temporary spaces, and yet, ladies and gentlemen, once again they have rejected my work, so it is time for my award-lacking segment, who is not honoring me now. [cheering and applause] once again my scholarly paper did not make the cut this year. they have rejected self-love in an elevator, appolonian images of hedonism, eroticism and the mechanized urban landscape in post-comeback aerosmith. if you can believe that. they said that my anthology was false and they couldn't hear a sickle. anyway, i'll read it to my musical guest tonight or he will not be allowed to leave the building. folks, i'm not trying to make you paranoid, but everybody knows that you are. this is the threatdown.

[siren blares] now, i have always been a devoted follower of televangelist and slowly deflating mylar balloon pat robertson, and it is for ministry like this. >> something happened along time ago in haiti. they got together and swore a pact to the devil. islam is not a religion. we assume jewish people are very thirsty. what about bestiality. he likes to have sex with ducks. those who are involved in martial arts before they start are actually inhaling some demon spirit. >> stephen: it's true. without the demon spirit, how else could a jony new kid in town beat the mighty cobra kai. no mercy! but lately pat's been worrying me. for instance, last month he said this about the 2008 financial crisis.

>> we should start putting some of those bankers in jail. there hasn't been one single prosecution. there were all kinds of shady dealings during that financial crisis. people were complicit all the way up the line, and none of them have been held accountable. >> stephen: it is so sad when an old man begins to fiengd -- find his mind. pat is exhibiting all the signs of age-related mentia. i couldn't figure out what brought on the sudden personality change, but pat said this. >> it's time we start locking up people for possession of marijuana. park audience reacts]. >> stephen: calm down. which brings me to threat number three: stoned pat robertson. no wonder he's always making those age-defying pancakes and age-defying shakes. he's got age-defying munchies.

come on, pat! jesus said he would make you a fisher of men, not a phish fan of men. folks, we must stop pat before the 700 club becomes the 420 club. [laughter] next i have never trusted muslim-americans. why would they live in america when there are so many people like me who don't trust them? [laughter] that's why i was outraged when they were given their own reality show, tlc's all-american muslim. shame on you, tlc. stick to what you're good at -- wholesome american entertainment like elderly hoarders trapped under a pile of urine-soaked newspapers or three-year-olds made up to look like hookers. well, last week tlc cancelled all-american muslim and the reason why confirms my suspicions. >> the reality show all-american muslim won't be back for a second season due to low

ratings. a reality show following the lives of muslim families in dearborn, michigan. turns out they were too normal. >> too normal. nation, this proves that muslims that muslims aren't real americans, because real americans who go on reality tv aren't normal at all. they are radical extremists who spew hatred russia prone to acts of senseless silence, an i'm pretty sure they tan using enriched iran yum. [cheering and applause] but just because... but just because these militantly boring muslims are off the air, we cannot breath easy because of threat number two, shah's of sunset, bravo's new reality show about rich persian americans living the high life in los angeles, or as it will now forever be known, teroangeles. >> to outsiders it looks like we live a gloom -- glamorous life.

and, in fact, we do. >> we don't work in buildings. we own them. >> you look amazing. image is everything. >> i don't like ants, an i don't like ugly people. >> stephen: they're just like me. i'm alsorism and i don't like ugly people. and i also spray my balls with drakar noir. i cannot get enough of sassy openly gay razor. >> what's wrong with you people? why are you wearing flip-flops when you have a fung gus. cover that mother [bleeped] up. i hate [bleeped]. i hate the people that come to sales. they are usually ghetto. fat women squeezing their fat feet into shoes that don't fit. it looks like they're baking bread in the shoe, you know when the meat just kind of sticks out because the shoe is too tight. do you see this?

do you think this is easy? do you see this? perfect. eat with this then. >> stephen: perfection. i love him! do you think this is easy? uh-uh. look at that. what am i doing? god, stop it, colbert. these people are a threat. i can't be thinking iranians are great. sure, these people fled to america, but you know there's more fabulousness back home. we can't let this reality show dew dupe us into loving iranians the way "queer eye for the straight guy" tricked us into liking gays and the way "america's next top model" convinced us to like thin, beautiful women. if we start watching shah's of sunset, it's possible that not only will we not bomb iran, this nuclear crisis will be meade indicated not by iran but by israel and iran sitting down to cocktails with andy cohen.

finally, the number-one threat to america, bears. [cheering and applause] folks, if you've never heard me warn you about these killing machine, the chances are you've been living in a cave. and if you've been living in a cave, chances are you're dead from a bear attack. it's bad enough when they were mindless marauders, but now a british researcher says he has witnessed for the first time ever a brown bear using a stone tool to exfoliate. ladies and gentlemen, bears have gone metrosexual. they're moving from man-eating to manscaping. it's a direct threat to the safety of our spas. soon they'll be full of grizzlies getting mani pedis so they can tear us limb from limb without breaking a claw. i for one will never go in for a

facial again. i might come out without a face. are those cucumber slices over my eyes for hydration or a garnish? we'll be right back. [cheering and applause]

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, it is primary night in alabama, mississippi, hawaii and

american samoa. now, i pretaped the show, so no one tell me who won or where american samoa is. [laughter] whoever wins tonight, they will be plain spoken folk. because while obama drones on and on with his sat words, there is no topic that these gentlemen cannot explain using phrases no more complex than "i like to eat y'all's cheesy grits." i mean, just listen to how rick santorum breaks down global warming. >> the dangers of carbon dioxide, tell that to a plant how dangerous carbon dioxide is. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. tell that to a plant. like my house plant robert here. who for some reason is supporting obama. hey, hey, hey, bobby, do you want obama taking away carbon dioxide that you need for photo synthesist?

everybody knows that before industry and cars earth had no vegetation. that's why factories are called plants. okay. read a book. they're made of you. [cheering and applause] stupid. stupid plant. of course, romney also knows how to make complex subjects simple. watch him punch holes in the president's so-called energy policy. >> look at his energy policy. what is his energy policy. you can't drive a car with a windmill on it. >> that's right. >> you can't drive a car with a windmill on it. because if you put a windmill on top of your car, then where does the dog go. [laughter and applause] but nobody but nobody is better at keeping it knowledge-free. than gingrich dprich.

listen to newt describe one of obama's crazy alternative energy schemes. >> if you read the president's energy speech, he's in cloudy cukoo land. the biggest issue this fall will be drilling versus algae. i think this summer as gas prices keep going up, one of our campaign techniques should be to have people go to gas stations with a jar of algae. [laughter] and say to people, would you rather have the good evening f gingrich solution of drilling and having more oil, or would you like to try to put this in your gas tank. you can't make this stuff up. >> stephen: you can't make this stuff up, but newt can because exxon has committed $600 million to developing this technology in cloud cuckoo land. besides, algae fuel will never be able to power the spaceship that will take us to newt's completely feasible moon colony.

i really just wish we had candidates like these years ago so we could have explained the stupid truth behind stuff like the telephone. so let me get this straight, i'm going to talk into a box and my wife will hear me? but who will get my wife out of the box? you can't make this stuff up. and hold on there, sport, you want to cure my syphilis with mold you grew on a hunk of bread? no thanks. i prefer to remain blind and insane, an i'm pretty sure these gentlemen feel the same. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> steph,

everybody. my guest tonight is a multitalented musician with a new album called "break it yourself." if he's talking about the music industry, it's too late. please welcome andrew bird. [cheering and applause] thank you. hey, mr. bird. thank you so much for coming on. a lot of big fans in this building. >> yes. >> stephen: sir, you're unique among some musicians because you've built this slow popularity over 15 years. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: you're like a rag

soaked with gasoline. [laughter] and tonight, boom, i'm dropping a match on it called the colbert bump. are you ready? are you ready to be super famous? >> yeah. i think i can handle the burden. >> stephen: can we talk about your music for a second? >> sure. let's. >> stephen: the song you're going to play tonight, it is called "eye on eye." >> all right. >> stephen: and it features... thank you. please do not applaud my questions before they're done. it features whistling, glocken spiel and it was inspired by talking about the tumor that's a fatty mass of hair. >> it's like a tumor that replicates parts of cells in the body like teeth or hair. >> stephen: that's pretty obvious pop song territory. why don't you take more risks? >> i go for universal subjects

like that. >> stephen: we've all been there. we've all had a fatty mass of threet and hair. >> that part isn't in the song because that's disgusting. >> stephen: speaking of fatty mass of teeth and hair, you worked at renaissance festivals. >> yes. >> stephen: kid you also play funerals? >> a few. >> stephen: which is sadder? [laughter] >> you know, of course the funeral is sadder, but the renaissance fair tests your sense of dignity, though. [laughter] >> stephen: i'm going to ask you a very personal question that one of my writers provided. it goes like this: your music is emotionally evocative. hype theltically, one of my writers can't listen to the album without thinking of 2006. he had a crush on a friend who made it clear that nothing was going to happen, but after halloween party where he was dressed up as gay and lincoln

and she was dressed as raggedy ann, they made out for hours with that album repeating all night only the have her say next day it was a big mistake, she loved somebody else. can you suggest how he could get that association out of his head so he can listen to your music again? [applause] >> a friend of mine says you just think of private dancer by tina turner and that oblit rates anything. >> stephen: for me you just go "by mennen." can you stick around and do the song? >> sure. >> stephen: thank you,

♪ ♪ and the flowers and the trees all laugh when you walk by ♪ ♪ and the neighbors' kids... what does being true to yourself have to do with being healthy? everything. ♪ but you're not ♪ you're the one ♪ one, one, one, one, one ♪ the one ♪ one, one, one, one, one ♪ the one ♪ one, one, one...

eyeoneye from his new album "break it yourself," ladies and gentlemen, andrew bird. ♪ go ahead and congratulate yourself ♪ give yourself a hand a hand is yours ♪ in the harden hours ♪ and i here it heals itself it's too much ♪ and you're getting too close your getting too close ♪ you're getting too close to

your soul ♪ is you've done the impossible now ♪ took yourself apart made yourself invulnerable ♪ no one can break your heart so you break it yourself ♪ bringing your own break it yourself ♪ bringing your own break it yourself ♪ bringing your own break it yourself ♪ bringing your own break it yourself ♪ bringing your own oh, oh [whistling] ♪ go ahead and re-eyeoneye

yourself ♪ give yourself a hand a hand is yours ♪ and you go ahead and bring it all ♪ go ahead and stretch it all go ahead and read inside ♪ dare to protest it makes this boy and girl, two eyes ♪ too ridged, all the sadness a hundred stories high ♪ and you re-eyeoneye and it's eyeony,yoneye,yony