captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> assad apparently sent his wife god gave me you as a gift. >> he's got a soft side, at 99 cents a pop. >> he personifies evil, but

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!

>> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. ( cheering ) thank you. folks, i've got to tell you, it was-- with an opening like that, you make me feel like it's my first night. ( laughter ) nation, i have always said president obama was an al qaeda coddler. and now his administration is proving it again. >> elderly travelers could soon get a break at airport security. starting monday, the t.s.a. will test new procedures for passengers 75 and older. they can leave their shoes on for one thing, same with their light outerwear. >> stephen: what! are they crazy! have you seen their shoes? ( laughter ) those things could be made entirely of plastic explosives. wake up, t.s.a.! old people are powder kegs. gold bond powd ebut still.

they're disgruntled, they have nothing to lose, and they hold extremist views on many groups. i can't even repeat what my aunt rita said at thanksgiving about the spaniards. let's just say we won't be serving sangria again. folks, i have also alzheimer's been suspicious of these geriatric jihadist. plus i did some internet research, and i discovered they are already training. ( laughter ) ( gunfire ) it's only a matter of time before she shoots up a cracker-barrel because their lemonade is too damn sweet! what did a spaniard mix it? i say we nip this in the bud and send our elderly to gitmo. just tell them it's florida. they never go outside anyway. ( laughter ) ( applause ) warping. you've been wander. nation, there's an issue that has become a cudgel against the republicans there this campaign. it's contraception, and i am

tired of talking about it. so instead, i'm going to mime about it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) another now i can talk about it again. this is a palette cleanser. ( laughter ) and it's important to talk about this so-called controversy. because it's threatening the livelihoodhood of radio host and tater-tot in casual wear, rush limbaugh. >> the advertisers fleeing from rush limbaugh is growing. 141 companies have officially bailed on limbaugh's radio show. among the latest, acura, i.b.m., american express, mcdonald's and the u.s. army. >> stephen: yes, the army is pulling out of rush. ( cheers and applause ). meanwhile-- ( applause ) meanwhile, they're staying in

afghanistan to negotiate with the taliban who evidently have a better track record on women's issues. ( laughter ) and now, premiere radio network which syndicates el-rush-bo, has canceled all its national ad spots for the next two weeks which is its sole source of revenue for the show. things have gotten so bad, folkes, rush may have to start a pledge drive. ladies, donate now, and will get this free tote bag, put all your-- put all your fluff stuff in there. ( applause ) for the walk of shame. and, folks, these accusations of sexism are totally unfair to rush. just ask rush. >> you hocan i be anti-women? i even judged the miss america pageant. >> stephen: yes! what more does he have to do, judge playmate of the year? ( applause ) plus, rush is just exercising his right to free speech.

and while it is shocking that rush would exercise anything, this is america. we must defend the principle symbolized by lady liberty, unless she's on the pill, whichn which case she is a giant, green tramp. oh, she'll lift her lamp and open her golden door for anybody. your tired, your poor, and not just one-on-one. she'll take on huddled masses. everybody line up for a peek under her toga. the real victim-- the real victim here is rush. this whole birth control controversy started with that georgetown law student, sandra fluke. whose testimony was no fluke. >> jim, tonight we're going to connect the dots for you. >> follow me here. president obama on the ropes with the economy and specifically with women voters, gets mrs. fluke to create a controversy, and the liberal mainstream media puppets play along as scripted. >> it's all part of a plan. it is not accidental.

none of this stuff just happened. whoa! lookie over there what judd happened. it's all orchestrated. >> there's no doubt in my mind, in my investigator's mind, that this woman from the very beginning was what they call "run" by very powerful people. >> oh, yeah she's awe pawn. >> stephen: oh, yeah, she was run by powerful people. she's a pawn. i mean, what's the alternative that a 30-year-old woman had her own thoughts and feelings about reproductive rights? ( laughter ) come on. what do you take me for, a girl? ( laughter ) ( applause ) but despite the democrats' pathetic attempts to derail it with the so-called republican war on women, the g.o.p. presidential race marches on, or in the case of newt gingrich, shambles on, stops for breath, and then makes a small purchase atative 's. yesterday, the inevitable

nominee, mitt romney appeared on fox news to reiterate his campaign's core message of hope. >> i made a lot of money. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: now, i'm going to tellue. ( cheering ) that is a guy i would like to have a beer company with. on tuesday, mitt dominated the primaries in hawaii and american samoa after previously winning in the marianas islands and guam. no surprise mitt does well in the pacific. the natives mistake him for an easter island head. ( laughter ) but rick santorum is not riding off the island. yesterday, he went down to puerto rico to pick up some delegates, or delgados. and rick did not pander, especially when the subject turned to what puerto rico would have to do to become a state

saying, "like any other state, there needs to be compliance with federal law, and that is that english needs to be the principal language." folks, folks, it takes serious cojons to go to puerto rico and to tell them to stop saying cajons. i mean, ( applause ) ( cheering ) rick's formula is simple-- you speak english, you become a state. i don't know what's taking d.c. so long. ( laughter ) now i know, i know, puerto ricans have been speaking spanish, or as my aunt rita calls it, taco talk-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) since teen 08. try some flash cards. try the rosetta stone. it's that tough love that will get rick racking up delegates

all over the map. next he will tell voters in wisconsin to lay off the cheese, fattyes, and voters in indiana to speaka the english. santorum is reminding puerto ricans to be in compliance with federal law, english needs to be the principal language. and, sure, there is no such special law. ( laughter ) but it sure feels like there is. and rick santorum always speaks what feels like the truth. for instance, last month, when he spoke out on the dangers of socialized medicine. >> in the netherlands, people wear different bracelets. and the bracelet is, "do not euthanize me." half the people euthanized every year, 10% of all deathes, half of those people are euthanized involuntarily because they are older and sick. >> stephen: shocking, and turns out, not true. ( laughter )

evidently santorum's comments about the netherlandss were yanked out of his nether-parts. but that disappoint matter. as his press secretary explained to the netherlands news leader-- >> as a dutch reporter i have to ask you something what he said about holland and euthanasia. he said people wear bracelets in holland that say do not euthanize me and people are involuntarily euthanized. do you remember him saying that? >> yes, but a lot of these things, it's a matter of what's in his heart. >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ) it's just a matter of what's in his heart. and in rick santorum's heart, dutch doctors push old people in wheelchairs up to windmills and let the blades chop their heads off. and then combined them into a paste-- grind them into a paste and use that paste to plug cracks in the dikes and turn their skulls into wooden shoes.

the point is, as long as it's in your heart, it is true. that is why right now to show my support for rick santorum, i am going to tweet what is in my heart about rick, regardless of whether or not it's true. ( clears throat ) let's see here. rick santorum has body hair in the exact shape of his sweater vest. ( laughter ) hashes tag, in my heart. send. ( laughter ) rick santorum, you keep speaking what's in your heart as long as it's in english. ( laughter ) and i am sure you'll get the nomination, or at least feel like you have. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back. change for just a little money?

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day, and to get in the spirit, i have filled the studio with poisonous snakes so i can drive them out like st. patrick. don't worry, audience-- they never come out unless there's a loud noise like cheering or clapping or chanting my name. unfortunately, back in me ireland, not everything is so festive. it seems that the high exchange rate between the euro and the danish krone is causing sky-high prices for one of denmark's hot exports to ireland, danish sperm. ( laughter ) you see, the irish import all their sperm from denmark, rather than produce their own because of their lack of regulation for donating sperm and because in ireland, no one's allowed to move their hands. ( laughter ) ( applause ) well i am not-- ( applause ) i am not-- i am not going to sit here while the isle needs me.

that's why i'm proud to introduce my new brand for man's seed for the ireland market. stephen colbert formula four o'one, fresh from my barney stone. tipo the morning to you, the tip, of course, the most sensitive part. i'm glad to help out my fellow irish and this weekend i will be tearing it up at the local traditional irish pundit gathering at o'hanrahan's. i play the boren, hannity played tin whistle, oh, reilly step dances, and chris matthews is on the potato. i always wrestle with how to honor the old sod on st. patrick's day, but this year it will be easy thanks to a special package i received from an actual irish whiskey company who shall remain nameless because there was no cash in the bag. no free rides. they also included this authentic irish cultural

garment. ( laughter ) ( applause ) finally, finally, someone treating the irish with dignity. ( laughter ) too often these days we're stereotyped as ex-cia operatives on the hunt for their kidnapped daughters or fighters of gray wolves or mentors to the batman. but at least, around irish product is respectfully representing my people as drunken amish. ( laughter ) ( applause ). in fact, i was so inspired they prepared a whole line of ethnically accurate headgear for the holidays. if the good people at manischewitz are watching right now, might i recommend this week sending out this passover party hat. ( laughter )

( applause ) ( laughter ) why-- why is this hat different from all other hats? because it is in no way offensive. ( laughter ) now, let's see. if you'll excuse me, if you'll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, i am going to indulge in some of my traditional foods from my homeland. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheering ) bowl of lucky charms, and of course some fresh cut irish spring. ( laughter ) oh, the spirits of the season. and then i'm going to stab an englishman in the neck. ♪ [ male announcer ] introducing new dentyne split to fit pack. it splits in to two smaller, sleeker packs that fit almost anywhere so you can take them everywhere. dentyne split to fit. practice safe breath.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has been called the premiere combat journalist of his generation. he's about to meet the premiere combat avoider of any generation. please welcome dexter filkins! ( cheers and applause ) hey, dexter. nice to meet you. please, sit down. you're a pulitzer prize-winning journalist. you're the author of the book "the forever war." and now you work at the "new yorker," true? >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, when you're in a war zone, what was the latest one you were in? >> ah, pakistan. >> stephen: okay, you're in

pakistan, things are getting hairy,un, maybe you're trying to stay away from the bad guys our find out where they are. does it ever occur to you-- the work ter"new yorker" why don't i do movie reviews or draw the cartoons about the psychiatrist dogs. >> i have thought about that. i have thought about that. >> stephen: assad in syria is crush, the resistance of his people right now. >> right. >> stephen: and last month, two journalists mccree colvin and anthony shadid died covering that war. anthony shadid has a recent book called "house of stone: a memoir of home, family, and a lost middle east." why do people like and you colvin and shadid, why do you go do it? as americans, isn't it suspicious that you even care about other countries? ( laughter ) what is it that draws you-- i mean, there's a war on women here.

why not cover that? >> you just said it. i mean, if you take syria. i mean, here's a government that was not elected. and they are-- they are-- they are waging war against their population. they are shelling cities. they are-- they've killed at least 7,000 people so far. they've tortured people. they've arrested people. and what they want more than anything is they want to be able to operate in secret. they don't want the rest of the world to know. and so when people like anthony and marie were doing, they were both friends, is they just wanted to get in and talk to people and talk to real people and find out what was happening. and then get out and tell the rest of the world. >> stephen: do you feel like a sense of mission? is this like a vocation to do this or this is just a job and your job just happens to be more dangerous than mine? >> it's a job. it's a job. i don't have-- i have absolutely no point of view that i'm trying to put across. >> stephen: really? >> no! i mean, i think, in fact, what you find-- or what i find-- whenever i've gone into one of these places, whether it's

pakistan or yemen, where i was last year, or afghanistan, where i'm going in about a week, what you find out is everything you thought before you got there was wrong. >> stephen: what did you learn you thought you knew about it from other journalists who had gone in? >> yeah, but you can-- you can-- you develop inevitably-- anyone would-- preconceptions. it's not that the preconceptions are wrong. what you discover is things are unbelievably complicated, and they're much more complicated than, say, when you come home and you turn on the tv and you hear somebody-- some retired colonel shouting from a tv studio, i don't know what he's talking about. it's not the country that i saw. and so-- >> stephen: this is the thingy don't understand, is someone still needs to make the argument to me why we need other countries. ( laughter ) >> well-- >> stephen: because i have preconceived notions about everything east of cape cod. ( laughter )

what's the worst place you've ever been to? >> pakistan. >> stephen: pakistan? >> yeah. >> stephen: are you ever-- do you ever hope that a war would break out in, like, fiji? ( laughter ) >> yeah. i mean, i have to say, the first war zone i ever went to was sri lankathis, island in the indian ocean. and i haven't been to fiji, but sis ri lanka is extraordinary. i covered this kind of scene of a massacre, and i went back to my hotel, which was right on this beautiful beach in this gorgeous harbor, and i had lobster that night for dinner. so it-- that happens a lot. some of these places are actually pretty gorgeous. yemen is stunning. it's amazing. but it's-- >> stephen: really? >> but it's like the end of the world, too, you know. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you know what, i've been doing coverage of the entire world from inside a