captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report

thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much this is it, nation-- it's super tuesday! it's like the super bowl of politics, if the super bowl was one team slowly destroying itself. [ laughter ] and just like the superbowl, i have painted my face with my team colors: white. [ laughter ] and i'm having a little tailgate party. i'm cookin' up some brats here on the ol' smokey joe. [ laughter ] new mexico, -- mmmmm unfortunately, this isn't a real grill. "big government fire marshall" wants us to avoid "carbon monoxide poisoning." [ laughter ] joke's on him when you all get trichynosis from these uncooked brats. [ laughter ] and i'm gonna make my famous ten-layer dip, with one layer for each state with a primary

today. we've got potatoes for idaho, ham for virginia, some vermont cheddar, for alaska, some venison, and for ohio, a layer of rust. [ laughter ] of course, of the course -- you can't have a party without a batch -- batch of my famous american salsa. it's mostly mayonnaise with a dash of miracle whip. i've got a keg of beer, and in case romney wins, i've got a keg of caffeine-free diet coke. [ laughter ] and oh i'm mixing up margaritas. couldn't find my blender, so i'm using this transvaginal ultrasound wand. [ laughter ]

mmm. you know, usually at parties, this doesn't come out until after the margaritas. salty. and all this is because super tuesday is "the" deciding night. and the candidates have all been focusing on a key demographic. >> those blue collar voters who will be very important in the general election. >> rick santorum has talked a lot about his blue collar roots. >> gov. romney has tried to kind of loosen up. he's appeared at events without a tie, without a jacket, looking very casual. he's clearly looking to connect with blue collar folks. >> stephen: yeah, everyone's gettin' all relaxed and average to connect with blue collar voters. [cheers and applause] i'm gonna roll up my sleeves

i'm gonna roll up my sleeves and of course as an average joe break out the lunch pail and strap on my blue collar. now i'm just a working joe! hey fellas! let's head over to the factory-plant and foundry us some metal goods! [ laughter ] welding, am i right? some of my best friends own this company! [ laughter ] okay, that's enough relaxing. so let's get right to the results! nation, with zero percent reporting, the colbert report can officially project: nothing. [ laughter ] because we tape this at seven, and the polls close at eight. -- we tape the show at 8:00 and the polls close at nine. but i have gone to a lot of trouble here, and i gotta report the results of something.

so let's go to russia, where we are prepared to project that vladimir putin will once again be president of russia. very strong showing. in fact, in one precinct, putin won by a decisive margin of 1482 to 1, with an impressive turnout 107%. [ laughter ] evidentally, voters really responded to his campaign slogan "putin 2012: or he'll shoot your family." [ laughter ] and just now we have some surprising results from today's india state assembly elections, where rahul gandhi and his ruling congress party been kicked in the somosas by upstart challenger akhilesh yadav and his samajwadi party. it seems gandhi and national congress tried to curry favor with the state of uttar pradesh, only to learn it was a naan-starter. [ laughter ] chicken vindaloo.

[ laughter ] i'll have more results as they come in. gary thurston of baltimore, we should know at any minute if you have chlamydia. [ laughter ] listen, chlamydia is not a flower. sad. nation, i have never liked attorney general eric holder. i can't forgive him for selling out han solo to boba fett. [ laughter ] but he has done one good thing. he signed off on the drone strike that killed jihadi cleric and american citizen anwar al-awlaki in yemen. now holder's gotten a lot of criticism for the legal justification he gave for killing an american citizen. none. [ laughter ]

but this is the subject of tonight's word: do or die when they took out al awlaki last year, the obama justice department wrote a memo explaining why this action was legal, but then kept the memo secret. why? does killing american citizens somehow require eleven herbs and spices? [ laughter ] the colonel was in the military. [ laughter ] but yesterday the attorney general explained why it's perfectly legal to execute a citizen without trial. >> the supreme court has made clear that the due process clause does not impose one-size-fits-all requirements. due process and judicial process are not one and the same, particularly, when it comes to national security. the constitution guarantees due process. it does not guarantee judicial process. >> stephen: exactly. due process does not mean judicial process. the founders weren't picky.

i mean trial by jury, trial by fire, rock, paper, scissors -- who cares? due process just means there's a process that you do. [ laughter ] folks, from what i understand, the current process is apparently: first, the president meets with his advisers and decides who he can kill. then, he kills them. [ laughter ] the president has had these powers ever since congress passed the "authorization for the use of force" bill, after long and careful consideration three days after 9/11. [ laughter ] jim? >> in response to the attacks perpetrated -- and the continuing threat posed -- - by al qaeda, the taliban, and associated forces, congress has authorized the president to use all necessary and appropriate force against those groups. because the united states is in an armed conflict, we are authorized to take action

against enemy belligerents under international law. >> stephen: yes. it's perfectly legal to blow up al awalaki because we are in a declared armed conflict with yemen. [ laughter ] pakistan? [ laughter ] afghanistan? [ laughter ] i know it's a stan. i mean, we've got troops in enemy territory. terror! we're at "war with terror!" [ laughter ] therefore, the president can blow up any american citizen he chooses until we win the war by defeating the idea of being afraid. you know, as long as we're

calling something a war makes the president judge, jury, and executioner, why don't we let him call in drone strikes in the war on drugs? [ laughter ] how about the war on poverty? let's throw the homeless into gitmo. [ laughter ] and i certainly hope the president will use his newly explained authority to carpet bomb the cupcake wars. [ laughter ] and for those who still whine that all american citizens must receive "judicial process," before they're executed, let's meet them halfway and put judge's robes on our missiles. [ laughter ] because if we're going to win our never-ending war against terror, there are bound to be casualties, and one just happens to be the constitution. and that's the word. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]

thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. thanks, everybody. [cheers and applause] they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. but after a concerted effort to cram meat through my belly button, i'm going back to my mouth. this is thought for food. ♪ folks, i'm a chocoholic. that's why i was so upset when i saw this. >> critical news today for candy bar lovers. they're making them smaller. the mars company have said they will stop selling chocolate products with more than 250 calories in them by the end of next year. and that, my friends, means no 500-calorie king-size snickers

or milky way bars. >> stephen: i would cry, but my tear ducts are clogged with nougat. [ laughter ] according to the mars company, the change is to promote, quote "responsible snacking." oh, great. now, i need to snack responsibly. can i get that nestle crunch with brown rice? [ laughter ] could i get just the ikes, with the mikes on the side? and i'll have just an m. i'm driving. [ laughter ] i don't want a smaller bar. i want a bar so big, that while i'm eating one end, the other end is still rolling off the factory line. you don't buy it -- you get a subscription. [ laughter ] this is a sad day for america's mouths, ladies and gentlemen. i remember when we led the world in snacks-ploration. when the russkies hit us with sputnik, we hit 'em back with the top secret whatchamacallit program. [ laughter ] we still don't know what it's called. and america won the space race

of taking up the most space! [ laughter ] america must not retreat. we must continue to dream of a future with fudge-covered treats so large, that by the end of the decade, america will put a man on the moon pie. [ laughter ] next, folks, it's been six glorious years since taco bell addressed late-night hunger with their revolutionary "fourth meal." [ laughter ] which, of course, falls between dinner and waking up on a foosball table covered with your own filth. [ laughter ] you've been there. but brace yourself, folks. because once again, americans are expanding their mealtime horizons. >> do you ever get that mid-morning hunger after you've already eaten? why not just have a second breakfast? experts say more on-the-go americans are consuming more morning calories over several

hours instead of sitting down to one big breakfast plate. >> stephen: finally! [ laughter ] second breakfast. for too long, we've been stuck with strict government-approved time-slots for cramming things in our face slots. [ laughter ] and i don't know about you, but i always get hungry after breakfast. in fact, sometimes i get hungry during breakfast. i need something to tide me over while my fork moves from my eggs to my potatoes. [ laughter ] but what i love most about second breakfast is that it has roots in legend. >> gentlemen, we do not stop till nightfall. >> what about breakfast? >> we've already had it. >> we've had one, yes. what about second breakfast >> stephen: little known fact: in tolkein's original draft, the rings of power were made of onion. [ laughter ]

folks, like columbus eating the new world, we must explore new vistas of mealtime. not just breakfast, but second breakfast post-breakfast pre-brunch brunch br-lunch lunch. dinner prequel. appetizers, appe-teasers, twilight buffet, dinner, supper, nosh, fourth meal, midnight snunch, sleep-breakfast, dream-ppetizers, and pre-dawn fondue nightmare. [cheers and applause] wow, all this food talk is making me hungry. i could go for a king-size snickers. no! i'll have to go with three regular ones. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]

hello. my guest tonight has a new book for passover. i have four questions for him. please welcome, jonathan safran foer. [cheers and applause] good to see you again. thank you so much for coming. all right, sir, you've been on the show before. you are the author of extremely loud and incredibleibly close.

>> yes. >> stephen: everything is ill luminated. now you have given us the new american haggadah. all right? i obviously know what this is and what it means. [ laughter ] but for those few members of my audience who are not jewish, what is this and what zit mean? >> very few probably. but the haggadah is the users manual for the most widely celebrated jewish holiday passover which is the annual retelling of exodus from egypt, one of the oldest continually told stories. >> stephen: something to do with passover which is why we have an extra chair for elijah. >> usually a glass of win, too. >> stephen: there you go. it's actually margarita. [ laughter ] don't tell him how i made it. [ laughter ]

so this story -- didn't this story already exist? it's called exodus. >> yeah it's -- >> stephen: so you think you can improve on mosess. you've got some matsa balls, body. this is the one revise the most times. 7,000 editions of it that have been created. wherever there are jews there are new haggadahs. >> stephen: every single generation there's a new jew who says i could do better. it's not bad don't get me wrong. >> it's tuning the instrument. >> stephen: how do you tune it? the story goes the israelites are enslaved by pharaoh, right? who is forcing them to provide contraceptive coverage? >> yes, that's about right and the jews groaned and god heard the groaning and god came down

and, you know, through the corse narrative that includes ten plagues most -- ten plays which most are familiar with. >> stephen: what is your favorite plague. >> frogs locusts. >> stephen: it's less of a plague and more like a gift. look, frogs. it doesn't say the frogs devoured their eyes. >> i take my kids to aquariums so -- >> stephen: exactly. so every jewish family has one of these? >> what you do it is try toll make it felt instead of read. we have a new translation by nathan englander which is more accessible, more clear, more engaging than any other haggadah. we have commentaries are jeffrey goldberg. >> stephen: that makes sense because exodus say series of

unfortunate events. >> that would have been a great title for the book. >> stephen: it would have been. what drew to it. you tell original stories but it might the least original storism it's in the a slam but why tie yourself to a narrative someone else has established. >> the answer was in the question. it's the at least original story. it's very familiar. it's been told by more than 100 again rages of jews. it's one of most widely recognized stories across cultures. it's been borrowed by social justice movements. it tells us to experience the retelling torque be characters inside sortie rather than just sit back and receive it. to do that you have to create a documenting that is engage, confrontational, provocative. >> stephen: does everybody read it together? >> people do it differently. ideally the parents sit down for a meal. in my case it was parents,

grandparents, cousins, teachers, people wandering through town. we would move from the beginning to the book to the end sometimes skipping large sections. >> stephen: i understand family has people over. you might have a different copy for everyone. everyone gets their own copy of haggadah who is there for the meal. >> this is true. >> stephen: cha-ching, snriet absolutely. >> the world population of jews falls within the margin of error of the chinese census. we're not talking about that many people. a koran would have been more so. >> stephen: have you thought about rewriting the koran? >> there's always tomorrow. >> stephen: not if you rewrite the koran. [ laughter ] jonathan thank you so much for joining me. the book is the new american haggad

>> stephen: that's. that's it frort, everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org