>> that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> what is interesting to me, i know are you getting wired

up about the $4 shrimp, and i brought you a couple of 70 cent shrimp from right across the street. >> even that is m captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i like it!

i like it! i like it! yes! welcome to its report, everybody! thank you so much! nation, you know, i believe that america's greatest days are ahead of us. that's why every so often it is important to remind ourselves no, they're not. (laughter) because otherwise barack obama might get credit for it. so you can imagine how i felt this morning when i turned on fox news, only to face my worst fear. good news. >> we just came out of march madness. >> sob excited about spring. >> that opening day today, round one at augusta. >> almost easter so you can give up your lent. >> east never three days. >> i mean how dog, the weather is great. >> uh-huh. >> we have no complaints. we're just happy people. we got some good news. on the jobs front weekly jobless application fell to 357,000. and the arrow is down as you

can see. that is the lowest number that we've seen in four years. >> stephen: martha, i thought we were friends? a lot of us are working very hard to remind america that this man is destroying our country, but then you and happy hammer come along with your pretty green arrow and take a big sunshine dump on our rain parade. (laughter) if only-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i can't believe it. if only someone could bring us back to earth and then keep going until we're six feet under. and it would help if he resembled a con iving funeral home director, jim, have you got anything? >> clearly the trend line is a good one, stewart. >> yeah, the trend line is good but i have to point out to you, martha, that the downside move, the fewer number of people applying for unemployment claims, that has stalled. we've gone from 400,000 six

months ago to 35-- 350, 360 now and we haven't moved lower for the past four weeks. so we've stalled coming down. that is not particularly good news. >> stephen: thank you for that perspective. (laughter) >> stephen: things are getting better, but they're not getting more better any faster. just the same amount of better which is worse. (laughter) well, i want to echo stu barney's sentiments and remind you, it's always brightest before the dusk. and the fragrance of the sweetest blossom carries with it the first whiff of decay. (laughter) even the perfect ininfant you cradle in your arms will one day grow old and die. and your friends won't be there to comfort you because they'll be dead too. remember the good times and more importantly, remember that they are over and can never happen again. ashes, nothing but ashes. the happiness you feel today is merely the platteau from

which you will soon plummet. and during that freefall, you will remember that you left the stove on. (laughter) barack obama. now fortunately there's more bad news. because crime rates are soaring somewhere, probably. especially gun violence. it just keeps going up no matter how many guns we buy. that is why i am introducing a new segment that punishes criminals by talking about them on tv. tonight on colbert's very wanted. >> oh my god. >> a neighborhood under siege. >> that explosion rocked me and my wife, we were like wow, what is going on. >> stephen: is there a serial criminal on the loose? this is colbert's very wanted.

these are manatees. noble, haunting, lethargic. as beautiful as they are endangered. but you might know them better by their street name. mailboxes, yes, frozen in place these novelty mailboxes bring years of joy to owners and passersby alike. that is until things go terribly wrong. which is exactly what happened just weeks ago in cocoa, florida. >> nothing bad has ever happened in this neighborhood. other than my mailbox. >> reporter: homeowner denise hasty told us about her box. >> i've owned a manatee mailbox for 20 years. i dress up my manatee for every holiday. and when there's not a holiday, since we're in florida, i make him or her a

boy or girl. >> but which is it, a boy or a girl. >> the mailbox went both ways, male and female. i don't have a manatee fetish. i just loved my manatee mailbox. >> stephen: but that love came to a shocking end on the night of february 14th. >> the st. valentine's day massacre. about 10:30 p.m., i was in bed asleep. i heard a huge explosion go off. the house shook. the windows shook. i jumped out of bed. >> stephen: emergency workers were poised to respond. >> 911, what's your emergency? >> i never called 911. (laughter) >> hello? hello? >> stephen: neighbor john anthony recalls coming perilously close to going outside. >> i was like wow, i wanted to go out but i was watching tv and i didn't get off my butt and go out, so-- .

>> stephen: the following morning denise discovered the awful truth. >> put my robe on. ran outside, the debris was all over the street, all over the yard. the only thing was left was a stub, the bottom portion of the manatee. and again, i was just like oh my god. >> stephen: again, neighbor john anthony. >> i was coming home from work and i drove by and the next thing i know, i see the manatee doesn't have a head. and you know, i just-- i actually had to stop the car and back up and look. and that's when i'm like what the [bleep] what the [bleep], i couldn't believe it. the man a too-- manatee head was blown off. >> stephen: what the [bleep]. >> my manatee had no known enemies. >> stephen: so what could is caused this be in the manatee's head to blow off? this was a job for the svu, sea cow victim's unit. >> my hunch is that some

explosive device was placed into the mail becomes blowing up the manatee. >> stephen: forensic scientist larry. he drew us a picture. >> at this point we would need an explosives or ballistics expert who can provide more information about this event. >> stephen: what we have in front of us is a 20-year-old manatee of indeterminate gender that has been blown apart by a small explosive device. >> stephen: ballistics expert peter dizic. he discovered the shocking answer. >> it was a small bomb that did this. >> stephen: a bomb. who would do such a thing? >> it is obvious that the person without did this wants to demonstrate that i have tremendous power. >> stephen: dr. steven reich, forensic psychologist. he takes us into the mind of the manatee mute later. >> they want to demonstrate to an inadamant object i have power.

i much potent. i am big. i am strong. >> stephen: his chilling insights left us with a single question. were we dealing with a serial criminal? >> i couldn't and i wouldn't say that. >> stephen: but i could. i knew what i had to do. head to the archives and pull the cold case files. >> you want every request since when? >> stephen: i want them all. manatee lives are at stake. i didn't care how long it would take. i had to find a pattern. and finally, here it was. 2001, a case in fort myers, florida, with our sicko all over it. doris the manatee's skirt was pulled down. but that was just the beginning. the mute later was getting bolder, developing a taste for manatee mayhem. and sure enough, ten months later he struck here in peaceful crystal river, florida. >> this is mr. manatee. >> stephen: he is the one on

the left. joanne is on the right. >> the manatee is part of our family, i guess, because he's always here. >> stephen: an he's always dressed in costumes to match the seasons. so imagine her horror when a week before christmas 2001, mr. manatee was violated. >> when i went out the door, i am going to get the paper and all of a sudden it hits you, santa suit is begun. >> stephen: gone, mr. manatee was stripped. naked. joanne later received the crumbled santa suit, along with his handwritten note, exactly the kind of clue that could break this case wide open. >> it reads, "to the heckmans from the grinch" >> stephen: handwriting analyst roger rubin. at first he thought the note was a deadend. >> it is so stylized and so artificial that it is virtually impossible to see the nature of the person who

wrote it. >> stephen: dammit, roger, give me something to work with. >> the manatee mute late certificate a highly trained, very intelligent person as well. and clearly with criminal intent. >> stephen: finally, a solid profile. i could feel the mute later out there, taunting us. >> it worries me that there is someone out there that's capable of doing such a serious thing to a mailbox. >> stephen: yes, but we were closing in on him, right? >> no, not necessarily. i think this is actually very, very hard person to quote catch. >> stephen: . >> i don't think will you be able to catch this person. >> but until that happens, i think manatees are going to be in great danger. >> stephen: so lock your doors, america, because no matter where you are, as long as it's mid south coastal florida and you have a manatee mailbox, the mute later could strike at any time.

we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

welcome back, everybody, thank you very much. nation, you know if you watch this show you know i'm a journalist 24 hours a day, including when i'm asleep. which is how i scoop the competition with my recent expose, america's pop quizzes, why didn't we study. also why is the teacher on mom y are my pants, oh god i'm falling, i'm falling. and my quest for the story extends to my morning commute. today as i was driving through the lincoln tunnel i captured a story of hope with my iphone. for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of commuting through the lincoln tunnel, let me paint a picture for you. imagine taking 250,000 jelly beans and pouring them through a single drinking straw where all the jelly beans are pissed because they're late for work. well, today i was one of those swrelee beans. stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and this is true, when a guy on a dirt bike

blew by my car, popping a wheelly in the lincoln tunnel! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: then he changes lanes and he looked back at me like yeah. and i'm like [bleep] yeah, whooo! so he pops another wheelie! this guy is a total bad ass! i mean you can get a particular for changing lanes in the lincoln tunnel. clearly america is back, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) this, this, this huge, huge bald stick it to the man live free or die attitude has been a vital part of this country ever since george washington jumped the delaware. (laughter) only problem, only problem he didn't stick the landing. that's how he lost his teeth. folks, this lincoln tunnel

guy is the spirit of america. and so am i wall street i focus on the road? no, i was videotape cc rider here. and guess what, guess what! the cops can't touch you. we're under the hudson river. i believe that's international waters. you can gamble down there. this guy certainly was. now the end of tunnel mr. dirt bike dropped back and asked me to text him the video from my phone. but i forgot your area code. i didn't write it down because i was driving and videotaping, and writing would have made it dangerous. so i hope that broadcasting will be acceptable instead. and by the way, my name is stephen colbert, and i have a television show. (laughter) (cheers and applause) we'll be right back.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight has a new novel called the wolf gift. quick tip, remember to keep your wolf gift receipt. please welcome anne rice. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ms. rice, thanks so much for coming on. all right, madame, you are the author of 31 novels that have sold over a hundred million copies worldwide. many different languages. everybody of course knows you from the vampire novels. they are probably the biggest thing people know you from. now you have a new novel called the wolf gift. now i assume from the title this is about a wolf without

learns the true meaning of christmas. (laughter) true? >> no, no, actually, he just learns how to be a werewolf, a man learns how to be a werewolf. >> stephen: how do you learn how to be a werewolf, aren't you bitten by another werewolf to become a werewolf. >> that is what happens to this young man, rubin golding, my hero. he is 23, he is a reporter. and he gets bitten. >> stephen: rubin golding, is he jewish. >> well, actually, no, he actually isn't jewish. but he might be his background. i haven't gotten into the back store eve the ancest ree yet. i might do that in the second book. >> stephen: because i'm not sure if man flesh is kosher. >> well, it that would be a problem because he does definitely get carried away. and he does eat man flesh. >> stephen: he does eat people. >> he does. >> stephen: now this is a problem for me. well-- i hope this is a problem for him. (laughter) >> it is definitely a problem. he wants to figure out why this happened and what he can do with his power. and he ends up feeling that it is a kind of a gift. >> stephen: okay.

here's my problem. (laughter) i read all your vampire novels. i loved them. they, you know, they-- i felt after i read interview with a vampire, the first one, i kind of felt like i, my multiwas full of blood. honest to god from reading it. i'm not sure whether i should recommend it to my brother. i did, i recommended it to my brother, i got to let you know, i kind of feel like i'm a vampire now. but what i liked about those is that these people are damned. it's not a happy experience for them. but now-- the sparkley vampires we have now, it's all just glamour, glamour, let's get married. >> yes. >> stephen: dow feel like these new vampire novels pervert the good story of vampires? it's a deal with the devil. >> well, i don't know if it is a deal with a devil. >> stephen: really. >> i think vampires are a metaphor for all of us, the outsider. >> stephen: vampires are obvious leigh a metaphor for gay people.

>> true. >> stephen: but what are werewolfs, werewolfs are hispanics. >> no (laughter) >> stephen: but monsters-- monsters are always-- monsters are a metaphor for ourselves. >> yes, that's it. that's it they're a metaphor for us. we're outsiders. we're predators at heart. >> stephen: o oh yeah. >> and we're outkasts and the werewolf he is a good metaphor for that just like the sram pair was a good metaphor for that. >> stephen: can we talk about outkast force a second. >> sure. >> stephen: you madame ver famously reembraced catholicism. >> i did. >> stephen: about a couple 10, 15 years back, right. >> i did. >> stephen: and you said you're to the going to write any more vampire novels you are all, you know, christian at this point. and how long did you do that. >> 12 years. >> stephen: okay. now you are no longer a christian, correct, no longer a catholic. >> that's right, that's right. >> stephen: now you realize you were a catholic long enough to know that you are going to hell, right? (laughter) >> yes. >> stephen: okay, you will have plenty of monsters to write about firsthand when

one of them is stabbing you in the hiney with a red hot pitchfork. you realize that. red hot iron coffin for all eternity, you are a heretic. >> maybe that will happen. and maybe it will not. >> stephen: don't worry about it, oh, really. >> maybe there is no hell. and maybe there is no devil. >> stephen: maybe there is no devil, maybe there is no hell. coin toss, oh, heads, i win. tails, you lose the biggest thing you can. your i mortal soul, why, why would you risk that, anne rice. >> i don't think i'm risking it, mr. colbert. >> stephen: you you could be wrong. >> i could be, that's true. >> stephen: why not weigh a doubt against a certainty. >> it's not a certainty for me, that things exist. it's just not a certainty at all. i don't-- i can't believe the christian belief system. >> stephen: really. >> i can't belief there is a definite while goes around the world trying to get people to commit sin. i can't imagine the psychology of the devil. i can't imagine what his day

is like. >> stephen: but you can understand the psychology-- but you can understand the psychology-- he's busy. he's been very busy with you, i can tell. (laughter) >> stephen: you can't understand the psychology of the devil and historical figure, but you can understand the psychology of a werewolf and a vampire. >> fictional figures, yes, i can. i k absolutely. >> stephen: okay, all right, whatever lets you sleep at night. (laughter) now have you thought about combining all your different novels, vampires, werewolfs and jesus because what about jesus who is a were savior and he has to fight a vampire juddas. >> no, no, i would rather pass on that i would like to pass on that. i have done two novels about jesus that i put my heart and my soul into. >> stephen: you don't have a soul. (laughter) >> i did at the time. >> stephen: you did at the time. >> you're still looking for that thing.

>> stephen: anne rice, thank you so much for joining me. the wolf gift. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) am [ man ] the game of life with the prius c,

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