( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> i don't understand. they must be ashamed of something. what is this? >> this is "60 minutes." >> wow. captioning sponsored by comedy central

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) rz welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody.

thank you so much. please, first of all, before we start the show tonight i have to take a moment here to give a big shoutout to all my bronies. (cheers and applause) and i do want to reiterate that i do not know what that means. (laughter) nation, there are a lot of nieces out there very excited right now. nation, i hope you had a fantastic easter. i spent the holiday surrounded by family, going to church, and totally dominating my neighborhood easter egg hunt. suck it, tyler! i can't believe-- i cannot believe you fell for the old go check under the hedges trick. there was nothing under the hedges. i got all the eggs! including these three, i took them from him. i won easter!

you can win. (laughter) and mine wasn't the only display of east erat let civil. >> an easter sunday sermon in front of a church packed with tens of thousands of worshippers, at the pulpit the man they call god's quarterback. >> stephen: yes, he's god's quarterback. and evidently denver has higher standards than god. and the-- (applause) why tebow on easter? well, that's obvious. >> obviously it's our super bowl. easter is the resurrection of christ in which we celebrate in our faith. >> stephen: yes, easter is the super bowl of christianity. when we celebrate the triumph of the ultimate come from behind player, jesus christ. all judea had counted him out but emerged three days later and uttered those famous words, i'm going to disney world. (applause)

where he delivered the sermon on the space mountain. i'm sure you think that now that it's monday, easter is safe from the secular progressives out there but jesus isn't the only one without can surprise you. this is easter under attack. tonight, oh, he's packing. you better believe he's packing. tonight a disturbing attack from australia, where because of the time change i believe it's still sunday, or as they say, sday, mate. now i have always felt a special kinship with the land down under. after all, my irish great, great grandfather seamus connelly hadn't jumped off that sydney bound convict ship, right now i'd be doing segments like tip of the

bushwhack, wag of the dig erie do and alpha dingo of the week so i assume that australians celebrate easter just like us. except of course below the equator where jesus comes out of the tomb counterclockwise. but the aussies are about to eradicate the holyist symbol of easter. >> the easter bunny days may be numbered. the easter billby is gaining popularity in australia. >> promoting the easter billby is a promotion -- >> easter billby, this is an assault on the sacred ritual of dying a rabbit pink and gorging on its chocolate offspring. who wants a chocolate billby. you know, you know it's got a creamy vegemite center. plus it makes no sense. the billby is a marsupial unlike rabbits, they don't

lay eggs. and now, now i have got to go digging in its filthy pouch for my chocolate treats? they'll melt. besides, if you want to replace the easter bunny, you already have a native australian egg-laying mammal, the duck billed platypus. children will love the easter platypus. if they're good they get chocolate. and if they're bad he'll stab them in their neck with his venomous heel spike, just like santa. now folks, it's going to catch on. folks, it's officially the unofficial start of the 2012 general election. after a bruising republican primary season, the foreplay is over and like all republican foreplay, there was expensive, vindictive and ended with something pretty predictable. but now that mitt romney has the nomination pretty much nailed down, there's one question everyone's asking. who will romney pick as his

running mate. for months names like marth martha-- marco rubbio and paul ryan have swirled through the rumor mill. unfortunately, bain capital bought the mill and laid off all the rumor [bleep] (laughter) keep on going. well, keep going. well that's to the going to stop me from speculating wildly. which brings me to my new segment searching for mr. right. it is crucial that romney pick a running mate who will help him with the group he's weak with. women, hispanics, african-americans, evangelical chritsians, and republicans. now one man out there who would shore up support with the far right is iowa congressman and unblinking nordic-- steve king. you may remember congressman

king from this historic exchange during my congressional testimony. >> in iowa we know corn. and i thought was curious that on the farm where you harvest the corn i was watching you actually unload a crate rather than load the crate. so i was curious it looked like the corn was going the wrong direction. and i only presume they must have run the film backyards with. >> i was a corn packer and i know that term is offensive to some people because corn pack certificate a derogatory term for a gay iowan. i would like to apologise to representative king. i have since learned the correct term is cobb gobbler. well-- in the last week congressman king has repeatedly proven why he is the number one choice to be the number two guy. starting with this nuanced critique of obamacare. >> what i said is that in every decade, in every state there have always been

babies that were born, live and died. and some of them a long and healthy life, without ever using a dollar worth of health care expenditures. >> stephen: yes, in every state babies are born, all the time who are delivered at home, don't get any vaccinations, never see a dentist, make it through school without ever getting strep throat or head lies or pink eye or monohave perfect vision, never get sick as an adult, keep all of their mental faculties and die happily at the age of 110 surrounded by all their love og children who also were born at home and fever got vaccinated or sick. after all-- after al all-- americans were fine before modern medicine. they worked hard. raised families. and passed away of natural causes at the ripe old age of 28. reason number two king is the perfect veep.

steve king is looking out for small businesses. last monday he outlined how business owner kos avoid discrimination lawsuits from gay employees. >> i would think that unless someone makes their sexuality public, it's not anybody's business. so neither is it our business to tell an employer who to hire. if you don't know anybody's sexuality you can't discriminate against them. >> stephen: hear that, the gays, it's up to you to keep us from discriminating. because once we know you're gay, i have a natural desire to fire you. (laughter) >> stephen: and unlike gays, discriminating is not a choice. that's why i insist no one at the report tell me they are sexual orientation, from the lowest intern to my cameraman julian, right jules. all right, say hi to the wife and kids for me. so folks, we don't need anti-discrimination laws any

more than we need the americans with disabilities act. you hear that, disabled people? stop rubbing your disability lifestyle in my face. just let me continue thinking that you are a lazy man in a chair from the future. (laughter) and i say you go, steve king. and i assume this means you won't be telling us whether you're gay. although coming up with a great excuse to keep everyone in the close set a pretty big hint. so mitt romney, take a close look at steve king for the ticket. but not too close. you he might get the wrong idea. after all we're coming up on corn packing season. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. please, please, please sit down. are you very kind. rest yourselves. nation, if you watch this show you know i'm pretty happy guy for the most part. but to appreciate what we have every once in a while we all need to hit rock bottom. luckily when i need to get depressed, i can always count on the germans. (laughter) which brings me to the very first installment of my award losing segment, stephen colbert's shame

spiral. don't look at me, i'm hideous. oh god. what have i done. oh, why! >> stephen: nation, recently my self-esteem was shattered by one ms. joanna kwass-- kwaas, an 86-year-old german gymnast who just nailed this routine at the 2012 gymnastics world cup. (applause) she's 86! (cheers and applause) look at that!

that is 84 years older than the average chinese gymnast. and when she finished, i believe she walked off with bela karolyi in her arms. how is this possible? she is old enough to have retired from the aarp. meanwhile i break a sweat lifting a fork to my mouth. that's why i always use a spotter. so i will say, i will say my omelet this morning was a personal best. frau kwaas doesn't even have cellulite. i have some on my thumb. you know what, screw it. all right. i'm fat. i mean i try to work out. i run every day from the desk to the interview table.

that's got to be like two miles. i mean why else are my nipples bleeding when i get there i mean and sure, sure, sure we beat the germans in world war ii but look at that cartwheel. das ist eine schoene frau, this you beer granny is our competition now. and mom, i know you're 91, but are you going wake boarding! i'm talking a 360 butter slide nose bone. anyway, i've never felt so low and useless and old and sad. well, that's it for this week edition of stephen colbert's shame spiral. i'll see you next time when i catch a glimpse of myself under florescent lighting.

now go away, i want to eat my hurt. we'll be right back.

welcome back, everybody.

my guests tonight is a long time auto executive who has a book about the struggles of the soul of the american car industry. quick tip, that soul will last a lot longer if you get the undercoating. please welcome bob lutz. (cheers and applause) thank you. mr. lutz, good to see you again. thanks for coming back. all right, i have had you on here before. i sure know who you are. let's make sure the good people at home know who you are. you are the former vice chairman of gm. >> general motors. >> stephen: the number one car company in the world. >> again, yes. >> stephen: we'll get to that in a second. you also had leadership positions at ford, chrysler and bmw over the course of a 47 year career. >> yes. >> stephen: you also have a book called car guys versus bean counters. the battle for the soul of american business. which one are you, are you a car guy or are you a bean

counter? >> you really have to ask? >> stephen: i really do. it's my job. >> unless you have creative people who really want to deliver outstanding products or outstanding customer service, all of the bean counting and all the financing isn't going to do you any good. the problem is when you have the wrong people in charge. then the business goes downhill because all they look at is spreadsheets and they forget the customer. that's what the book is about. >> stephen: let's talk about getting the wrong people in charge, okay. because you were-- you were at gm when obama came with his dirty government money. >> right. >> stephen: that filthy government luker -- >> that was our taxpayer money,s that he okay. >> stephen: taxpayer money. the big auto bailout which was a complete failure. >> well. >> stephen: and a government overreach and a takeover of the auto industry that is the shame of a nation. >> have you been listening to rush limbaugh?

>> stephen: i've got a feed into my ear right now. now mitt romney, you're a conservative right. >> yes. >> stephen: we have to get behind mitt romney. okay, he's the candidate. >> i have to, exactly, yes, i will. i will do my duty. >> stephen: okay, you should, all right. just close your eyes and think pretty thoughts. >> exactly right. >> stephen: he said let's let detroit go bankrupt. >> i know. >> stephen: that was the right thing to do. >> no, well, i think he thought it was the right thing to do at the time. but it was an unwise statement and it would have been economic armageddon to let the automobile business go down. >> stephen: the free market would have handled it. >> oh, come on. >> stephen: are you not a free market guy. you believe in government intervention that is the kind of conservative you are? >> i'm a conservative pragmatist. and any country in the world would step in with loans for its automobile industry. >> stephen: this isn't any country in the world, sir this is america. (cheers and applause) you want to live in any country there are plenty of any countries out there.

this is the us of a, sir. >> yeah, uh-huh. >> stephen: so o 3w578a got to call the shots. what kind of cars is he designing. >> if obama called 9 shots, the government didn't call the shot its. the government provided money, wanted us to meet the law so general motors like every other company has to meet fuel economy regulations. but we're still do corvettes. we'll still do 5 -- horsepower, 560 horsepower cameros. on the other end we do chevrolet volts because we do have to meet the fuel economy laws. >> stephen: let's talk about the volt, okay. the volt, last time you were here the volt was coming out. >> right. >> stephen: in a year. now the volt has been out. now there is controversy out there. >> yeah. >> stephen: i have my friends at fox news have been out there. >> they have. >> stephen: the controversy is, you know, some say it's a failure as a car. >> right. >> stephen: some say it's dangerous. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: which is it ? >> (laughter)

>> gee, that's-- i have to think about that. actually, the car is a huge success. march was record sales, 2200 sold. and the expectation is it is going to be about 3,000 a month from here on out and it was also just recently named your pain car of the year by a jury of 50 european automotive journalists. i want to point out it's the first time in history that an american-designed and built car has achieved european car of the year. because they usually kind of disdain u.s. product. >> stephen: they're very. >>y. >> they have an enhanced sense of their own infallibility when it comes to automobiles. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: before we go, the most-- how old of a man are you, do you mind if i ask. >> how old what. >> stephen: how old of a man are you. >> 80. >> stephen: you're 80 years old. >> yeah. >> stephen: the most important question coy ask you is, do you do gymnastics?

>> not like that. >> i do do 40 push-ups every morning. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: doubles? >> stephen: stephen colbert versus an 8 o-- 80-year-old man doing push-ups. (cheers and applause) usa lam usa lam usa!, circumstances usa lam usa!, usa! (cheers and applause)

we'll be right back. bob lutz, everybody