>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> this would be the campaign everybody watch, right now would hope for, root for, give up their vacations to watch. think of it former senator rick

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much! welcome to the report. good to have you with us.

>> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: oh, that's nice. not bad, not bad. ladies and gentlemen, i, i conot blame you for being amped, because my guest tonight is america's first lady, michelle obama. ( cheers and applause ) not bad, not bad, not bad. now, naturally, my studio is crawling with secret service. ( laughter ) you can't see them, but they're there. watch. ( laughter ) that's for the best. now, mrs. obama is here to mark the first anniversary of joining forces, the program she launched with dr. jill biden to support our military families. and since that is now the focus-- ( cheers and applause ) oh, yeah, give it up. and since this is now the first

lady's focus, it can mean only one thing-- child obesity is solved. kids, go to town on that oreo pizza. it's good for you. of course, i support the families of the troops whole heartlet, whole troopedly, and support famedly. but, of course, i want to do more, which leaves me just one question, and it's tonight's word. ( cheers and applause ) folks, in my daily life, i don't see that many members of the military because the troops and their families make up only 1% of the u.s. population and not the 1% that belongs to my tennis club. ( laughter ) now, i-- i have done my research on the troops-- that's all the "hurt locker." -- but it turns out military families challenges even i

didn't know about. according to the department of defense, the unemployment rate for military spouses is over three times the national unemployment rate, because military families move 10 times more often than civilian families, and you would not believe who u-haul charges to drive a truck to bahrain. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, on top of that, there are over 150,000 single parents serving in the military, and there is very little in-country child care, at least until the pentagon developed a cameo baby bjorn, and frequent deployments don't just affect human family members. we've all seen the touching reunions between returning soldiers and their dogs. >> daddy's home. >> stephen: almost as moving as reunions between soldier asks their cats. ( laughter ) >> daddy's home!

( applause ) >> stephen: i gotta tell ya, that gets me right-- hold on, hold on! okay, okay! ( laughter ) so how can we help? well, we could all enlist so there would be shared sacrifice and fewer deployments, but unfortunately i have been diagnosed with a rare medical condition called pre-traumatic stress disorder. one woman, randy cairn, whose husband serves in afghanistan says the answer is as simple as neighbors helping neighbors or at least not dropping a dime on them. >> i have a neighbor who has called the board of health on us because my grass got too tall because i was juggling a lot, and when i was free, 3:00 in the morning wasn't a really good time to bring the lawnmower out. >> stephen: no, it's not.

3:00 a.m. is drunken weed backing time. ( laughter ). of course, that neighbor who complained could have just mowed her lawn but maybe he didn't realize she's a military spouse. as the first lady has said, it's very easy for us to recognize the men and women in uniform because they're in uniform, but their families, serve, too ( cheers and applause ) yes. well said. so i believe that the answer is clear-- the families need to start wearing uniforms. ( laughter ). we can make some new ranks. wife first class, brigadier husband, first petty tween, bombardier grandma, and drill sergeant baby. ( laughter ) drop and give me a lode in your pants! because once we can see the military families, we won't forget their sacrifice any more than we forget the sacrifice of our troops. i mean, i talk about the war in afghanistan all the time.

all right, all right. that's enough. you know what? that's the word. because, folks, i do support the troops in my own way. the number one problem facing our veterans is translating their military skills into civilian jobs. so i supported a vet by retraining him to do the most crucial job in america-- mine. ( laughter ) jim. >> to help america's veterans, i traveled from my own studio all the way to my own studio. ( laughter ) where i trained up marine veteran sergeant brian escodido. brian, good to see you. >> good to meet you. >> stephen: all right, you ready to become a pundit? >> yes, sir, i'm ready to do this. >> stephen: let's go into my studio to teach you how to do it. >> all right. >> stephen: all right. okay, we're locked out. does anybody have a key? that will help. do you have another one? that one fell. once inside, i showed brian the key to powerful pontificating, a

great-looking desk. that's the seat that the pundit sits in, and-- not quite yet. it's a very powerful machine back here. it would be like putting a toddler, you know, in the seat of an 18-wheeler. >> don't want to do that yet. >> stephen: no, you could jackknife it. you might notice that these books are all duct taped together because i've never read one of these books, not february my own. the important thing is not to read books but to have books. did you read my book? >> yes. >> stephen: really? >> no. ( laughter ). >> stephen: next i walked brian through the nuts and bolts of broadcast excellence. i'm looking at your resume here, a few words come immediately to mind. selflessness, leadership, courage. unfortunately, none of those apply to punditry. ( laughter ) how are you at nodding silently as if you are listening? >> i am married, so...

( applause ). >i think it's beinga well-infor. >> stephen: no, being confident about what you're saying. okay? you don't have to be well informed. what are you an expert at in the marines? >> explosives. >> stephen: what are you an expert at as a pundit? >> oh, explosives, you know-- k- >> stephen: no, you are an excerpt at everything. it doesn't matter what the subject is. you have an opinion, and that opinion is the right one. is that clear? >> yes. absolutely. >> stephen: okay, ask me asking about anything you think i don't know about. >> what's the capital of myanmar? >> not in this economy. ( laughter ). >> that didn't make any sense. >> stephen: or did it? >> no, it did not. >> stephen: it doesn't have to make sense, brian, because they're call "talking points." all right, i've got a few of them right here. just look into the camera, and read those one at a time. >> not in this economy.

>> stephen: great. let's do the next one. >> in the heartland, average folks get it. q. that's good.i totally believe average. >> i would expect that from an activist liberal. >> stephen: that's what i'd expect from an activist liberal. when wlet's run you through thes facial expression-wise. show me listening. ( laughter ) show me surprise at what i just said. too much, too much. you're not a damsel in distress. ( laughter ). so, yeah, that's good. that's good. show me fear. >> i am incapable of showing fear. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: okay, this is very important. do not be afraid to make up statistics in your argument. did you know that 53% of americans believe the taxes on the top 1% are already too high? >> i'm not sure that is accurate. >> stephen: it is not. it could be. i don't know. i made it up. but the important thing sididn't

go too high with my ( bleep ). all right, i stayed at 53% because that means i'm winning because a majority is on my side but it's not so high that somebody is going to go google my ass, got that? >> yes. >> stephen: you know, brian, mrs. obama launched an initiative last year to summit the troops and that's what i'm doing with you. if she could just how hard i am supporting you right now, i can only imagine what she would say to me. >> thank you for your service to your country. all americans owe patriots like you a debt that can never be repaid. you are a true national treasure. >> stephen: well, thank you for noticing, ma'am. >> i'm not talking to you, stephen. i'm talking to brian ( applause ). ( cheers ). >> stephen: oh. >> i just want to say thank you to you and all those who serve our country. >> stephen: asking you want to say to me? >> yeah, from this angle, your hair's getting kind of thin? >> stephen: what! really?

>> oh, yeah. have you thought of shaving your head? >> stephen: no! is there anything else you want to say? >> i don't know, stephen. this is your imagination. >> stephen: well, then say i'm a national treasure, too. >> oh, sorry, stephen. ( static ) the connection's bad. i must be going through a tunnel. gotta go. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ). >> stephen: hm, i have to get a better imagination. of course the most essential compoabt of full contact punditry is physical conditioning. i put brian through his paces. come on. >> all right. >> stephen: all right. number one. all right. you want to accuse the other person poe, you're wrong. >> no, you're wrong is there no, you shut up. >> no, you shut up. >> stephen: not only can you cut someone's mic off, you can smash money's mic. get my mic. we have bob, bill, tom.

that's los angeles, that's new york, that's washington, d.c. all right, keep all of that in your mind. come on! come on! get it! cut his mic! cut his mic! you smell like roses. >> you smell like roses. >> stephen: camera two. >> bill. >> stephen: cam roone. >> tom. >> stephen: camera three give me camera one. >> bob. >> stephen: bill! never give it back to me. where's bob? find him. >> bob is in new york. >> stephen: bob is in los angeles! >> ah! >> stephen: why would bob be in new york? you really think bob is ready to anchor the inning news in new york city? you have a lot to learn, my friend. good, good! get it! thanks very much. don't give it to me! let's try it again, one more time. ready? two, three, one, two. where is tom? >> tom, bob, bill. boch. >> stephen: three, one, two,

4. whooo! ( cheers ) you have learned which camera to talk at. i had nothing left to teach. all that remained for brian to become a pundit was looking great in a suit. nailed it! ( cheers and applause ) let's do it, buddy. get in there. all right. you feel that power well enough through your buttocks? >> oh, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: all right. anything you want to say? >> we'll be right back. ( applause ). >> stephen: all right, that's enough. don't get too comfortable. get out thereof. come on. we'll be right back. watch it.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a graduate of princeton university and harvard law who currently works in the white house. please welcome first lady michelle obama! ( cheers and applause ) madam, first lady, thank you so

much for coming on ( cheers and applause ) thank you for coming. i apologize. they normally don't cheer for me that long. ( laughter ). thank you so much for coming back on the show. >> it's good to be back. thank you for having me. >> stephen: you were here almost exactly four years ago. >> yeah, but we weren't here. >> stephen: no, no, no. we were in philadelphia. it was during the campaign. the first time you were on my show, you were not the first lady. now you are. >> yes. >> stephen: that's called the colbert bump ( cheers and applause ) you're welcome. you're welcome. now, let's bump joining forces. tell me what it is and how they can get involved. >> jill biden and i started this initiative to make sure that this country, which is a grateful nation, that we make sure that we do whatever we can to honor the service of our troops, our veterans, and their families ( cheers and applause )

and this is the one-year anniversary, and we've had -- >> stephen: you launched it one year ago today. >> one year ago today, so we're celebrating the anniversary, so thank you for having us on, on our anniversary. but people have really been stepping up in some amazing ways. i mean, we have seen people hiring our veterans and finding wonderful flexible opportunities for spouses, because employment is a key issue for these families. >> stephen: unemployment for returning vets was way above the national average. >> it was. >> stephen: where is it now? >> we're seeing it decrease at some pretty significant rates. so-- ( cheers and applause ) but until we get to zero, we still have a lot of work to do. we want it see that number at zero because this isn't just about benefitting these men and women. i mean, these people are bringing in skills that actually improve the bottom line of companies. because these are some of the most highly trained, highly skilled, disciplined people that we have in our society, the best

this country has to offer. so we all need to do our part ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: team players, clearly team players. i have only one criticism, is that it's joiningforces.gov, right? >> it is.goff. >> stephen: it makes it sound like big government. is there any way we can help the troops in the private sector? >> absolutely. our motto is everyone can cosomething. it isn't big government. government has a role it play but it can't do everything. everyone has to step up in ways big and small you. >> stephen: know what i think would be a great reason to hire someone who was in the military at your private business is that he-- with the stories he tells of his previous job, he'll really make the interoffice complaining sound trivial. >> absolutely. >> stephen: raise moral in a significant way. >> it's hard to be a whiner around a veteran. >> stephen: it really is. >> it makes it tough. >> stephen: as someone who has appeared on both my show and

has also appeared on i carly. ( laughter ). >> yes. >> stephen: which of us do you think has more gravitas as a broadcaster? >> well, that's a tough one. >> stephen: yeah. >> i carly is about 16, and she's real deep. ( laughter ). >> stephen: right, she is very deep. ( applause ) >> stephen: i should add-- i should add some random dancing to my show. >> we can try it ( cheers and applause ) maybe later. >> stephen: maybe later. >> i'll be able to judge better when this is over. i'll let you be. >> stephen: we have to go to commercial. can you hang out and talk some more after the break? >> absolutely, i would love to. >> stephen: good, because if you don't i have no show. we'll be right back with

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. once again, first lady of the united states, michelle obama is joined by nirs ghentalman of coal bar nation, me. as i said before and the audience knows this, you're the first lady of the united states. >> i am. >> stephen: why did you take on this issue of americans helping out military families? first ladies can pick their own agenda. >> yeah. >> stephen: lady byrd johnson was beautifying our nation. hillary clinton was our health care system. nancy reagan was just no saying. why does this and childhood obesity the two things that appeal to you. >> when i was campaigning, i got to meet these military family. i was traveling around, talking to mostly spouses and, you know, i was awed by their sacrifice.

i mean, these folks are-- you know, you cited some of the statistics. they are moving more often than any average american does. they're expected to sometimes, you know, their children are going to schools, changing schools nieb, 10 times in their entire educational career. but the thing that struck me is that they do it with grace. they do it without complaint. and i was inspired. i said on the campaign trail that if i had the opportunity to serve in this role, that i would try to be their voice and tell their stories because i think that most americans are like me and like you, we are not a part of the military community, so we don't understand that sacrifice. >> stephen: well, i did-- i did-- i did serve in iraq for almost a week ( cheers and applause ) almost a week. ( applause ) so i consider myself a veteran. >> you know, you're right. >> stephen: which is why i hired myself for this show.

>> you're right. and you did a good job. great hire. >> stephen: thank you very much. you are popular. ( applause ) you are-- ( cheers ) do you ever lord over the president the in fact that you're more popular than he is? do you ever say, "watch it, or i might not campaign for you?" >> i might try that when i get home. >> stephen: have you endorsed him yet? are you prepared to do that? >> i am prepared. i'm endorsing my husband, barack obama. i think he will be a phenomenal president. he has done a phenomenal job. he's my man. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good luck, good luck. good luck with the election. >> thank you. >> stephen: you know, since you're on the show tonight-- >> yes. >> stephen: i feel fairly comfort that the president is watching this broadcast right now. >> probably. >> stephen: i believe we have a photo of the president watching right now. ( laughter )

okay. he seems to be enjoying it. he seems to be enjoying this interview very much. >> he is concerned. he is deeply concerned. >> stephen: that is a well-expressed opinion. don't get me wrong. >> i can see it. >> stephen: but we have a resident expert pundit here at the stephen colbert. brian, what are your thoughts on this important issue? >> not in this economy. ( applause ). >> stephen: well said. mrs. obama, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: it's an honor to have you. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: first lady michelle obama. we'll be right back. thank you.