>> jon: join us tomorrow night. >> ann romney has never captioning sponsored by comedy central captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to the "report," good to have you with us. thank you so much.

thank you so much. thank you for coming on this beautiful spring day. folks, if you know me, you know it is not often that the news shocked me. last time was when i was watching cnn in the tub with the t.v. balanced on the edge. (laughter) but, folks, it has happened again! president obama just returned from an economic summit in colombia. huge waste of taxpayer dollars. he was already in the district of colombia! seems redundant. (laughter) folks, there is only one story out of that summit that anyone is talking about. >> i can announce that the u.s./colombia free trade agreement enter into force next month. >> stephen: nice try! no, jimmy, i seem to recall another story that was, shall we say, mas caliente. >> sex, scandal and the secret service. >> before the president arrived in cartagena, several women-- some believed to be prostitute were brought to this hotel by

secret service personnel. >> $47 the amount a secret service agent would not pay a prostitute. it's being called the worst scandal in secret service history. >> stephen: yes, the worst. and i don't think that statement is overblown at all. (laughter) nation, i've got to tell you, i feel somewhat responsible here. you see, the secret service was here last week to protect the first lady and, like anyone who gets close to my virility, they obviously got their manhood jacked up. it's called being man jacked. (laughter) now, i don't know if it's the same team that was here but it wouldn't be the first time a visitor to this building had to seek professional relief after being here. (laughter) because-- and this is true-- according to the f.b.i.'s phone records, eliot spitzer called a prostitute in the car right after leaving my studio. (cheers and applause) i just want to stay bonnie

raitt, you've been warned. (laughter) find a legal outlet, hot yoga, whatever you girls do to blow off steam. (laughter) and conservative journalists for news max ron kessler knows who's to blame here. >> it really is just a symptom of the management culture about him, the president's secret service, which condones corner cutting and laxness. president obama continues to act as if really nothing happened. >> stephen: this is clearly the president's fault! we all know it's the job of the president to protect the secret service. (laughter) where the hell was he when those prostitutes came at them? (laughter) he swore an oath! he swore an oath! (cheers and applause) because now not only does america owe billions to china, we owe $47 to a colombian

prostitute. (laughter) a prostitute your grand kids will have to pay for! (laughter) nation, if you look at the news, you know that republicans and democrats are at each other's throats again after they've lifted up to jowls to find them. (laughter) but you see the democrats accused the republicans of launching a war on women then the republicans accused the democrats of the same thing. and at this point who can remember who in enacted reproduction health restrictions in 36 states including mandatory transvaginal ultrasound. (laughter) it's like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg. incidentally, that chicken better not be on the pill. you whore! whore! (cheers and applause) why did she cross the road? because she's a whore! (laughter) and i'll tell you something, you

don't learn that in school. but out of this whole debate, something has emerged that both sides can agree on. women exist. (laughter) they're all over the place. it's like suddenly every other person i see is a woman. and it turns out they can vote. 90 years now! (laughter) that's why this ugly war on women has morphed into a beautiful war for women. >> women are not an interest group. you shouldn't be treated that way. >> first lady michelle obama posting on twitter "every mother works hard and every mother deserves to be respected." >> one thing i know when where i am home full time they probably have a better pulse on the economy than even their husbands. >> first of all, there is no tougher job than being a mom. >> women were being referred to as a special interest group. is there's only one part of that phrase that's correct: women are

special. (laughter) yes. anne romney, a woman, is right. women are special. all women! harriet tubman! eva brawn. fergie. that syria killer charlize theron played in "monster." mrs. butterworth. all women! all equally special. (cheers and applause) the point is, women are the big prize this campaign year and both sides are fallopian it to win it. (laughter) that's why the obama campaign released this ad bragging about his signing the lily ledbetter equal pay for women act showing him with actual women. not to be outdone, the romney campaign put out bumper stickers saying "moms drive the economy." and they're also appealing to lady drivers with a female version of truck nuts, the camry toe. (laughter)

it protects the grill. it protects the grill. keeps bugs out and stuff. (laughter) well, i for one will not be outdone by others outdoing. so speaking from my side, ladies my side is right by your side. and i want to say that women are so amazing-- at not being men. (laughter) what what with the whole lack ago penis thing and the plumbing situation down which i can't even imagine, i can't... i agree with anne romney. you are all special, as unique as individual snowflakes with breasts. (laughter) which i've always said is the only way to improve on a snowflake. and to show my utter she-reciation i've given one of my staff members a makeover. here's one of my writers, meredith, before.

and here she is after. i didn't change a thing because you're all perfect just the way you are. (audience reacts) (laughter) i'm sorry if i'm getting choked up it's just... i'm just so emotional about obama's loose permissive atmosphere in a national hooker banging. it's so rude to women. well, now that i have validated the worth of half of humanity by acknowledging you exist i guess there's nothing left to do except pass on my pair of traveling pants. (laughter) (cheers and applause) because we're all sisters now. we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back to the "report", everything. you would not believe what these people have given me tonight. (laughter) thanks for joining us. nation, i hope you had a great

weekend, mine was a blast in that i spent it with people who loved to blast things. i was down at the national rifle association's annual meeting in st. louis. not to be confused with the decades-long gun show in east st. louis. (laughter) it is a four-day celebration of guns for the whole family. it was a wall of guns raffle and antique gun showcase, a seminar with ted nugent and, for the kids, carnival games like "pry the gun from charlton heston's cold dead hands." (cheers and applause) of course, the real firepower came from all the politicians shooting off their mouths. a star-studded lineup of conservative gun-loving republicans and mitt romney who, to be fair, does own a pastry gun so his chef can defend him against unrosettaed cakes. (laughter) but the speaker who lit up the crowd was newt gingrich who laid

out his vision of the second amendment. >> it is one of the unalienable rights eluded allude in the declaration of independence. we know this because the declaration starts with "the right to bear arms." it doesn't grant the right to bear arms it acknowledges their pre-existing condition. >> stephen: yes, the right to bear arms is a pre-existing condition. (laughter) so do not expect insurance companies to cover your gunshot wound. (cheers and applause) and newt knows where our second amendment rights come from. >> the right to bear arms comes from our creator not our government. >> stephen: amen, brother newt. (laughter) guns are the work of our on fish yent creator. why else would they perfectly fit into a human hand. (laughter) just one more reason why we

should be a god-fearing nation. he is packing heat. (laughter) but newt saved his newtlyest idea for the end. >> i believe the n.r.a. has been too timid. a gingrich presidency will submit to the united nations a treaty that extends the right to bear arms as a human right for every person on the planet because every person on the planet deserves the right to defend themselves from those who would oppress them. >> stephen: what a beautiful vision. (laughter) won't you help newt bring firearms to war-torn africa. (laughter) but it's not just the third world, folks. in 2009 weapons deprived england had 41 gun homicides. but if we arm everyone in the country, i know we can put a zero in that column. (laughter) after all, that same year we had over 9,000 gun homicides. that's three zeros!

(laughter) but i must admit, newt saying the n.r.a. is timid is a bit of the pot bellied calling the kettle black. because his own proposal for arming everyone on earth is kind of weak on gun rights. the man calls for a colony on the moon and yet nothing about lunar gun rights? (laughter) why, you're saying? why would i need guns on the moon, stephen? might i remind you a crescent moon is nothing but a full moon wearing a hoodie. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) wñwñwñwñwññ

(cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is considered one of the greatest live guitarists of all time. and you know it's not easy playing guitar when you're going down a slide. please welcome bonnie raitt! (cheers and applause) bonnie, thanks so much for coming, good to see you. all right, well thank you so much for being here. >> i'm thrilled to be here. >> everyone's so excited to have you here. >> you make our lives worthwhile stephen.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you very much. i shout that into a mirror every morning. (laughter) now, young lady, you are... off music career of 40 years, you are a nine time grammy winner, in the rock 'n' roll hall of fame, the blues hall of fame and yet "rolling stone" writer anthony decurtis said that you are vastly underrated. what do you want next? to be in the baseball hall of fame? (laughter) >> i think i've been pretty lucky. >> stephen: he says however great you are people don't know how great you actually are. >> i paid him to say that. (laughter) >> stephen: really. now did you... your new album is your 19th album. (cheers and applause) it's out on your own record label here called red wing. is it hard to start your own label? >> you know, when you're established i think it's easier,

you know, with the winter net and the way music is being delivered if you have a good prescription team you can do it yourself. >> stephen: one of the songs people know you best for is "angel from montgomery" which is a beautiful song. (cheers and applause) thank you for enjoying my question. and the first line of the song is "i am an old woman." now, when you first sang that song... >> (laughs) >> stephen:... you were not an old woman. and now you are also not an old woman. (cheers and applause) >> oh, thank you. >> stephen: but if you were, how would that change how you look at that song? does it change now that you're closer to the age of the woman who sang in that song? >> when i sang it i was 23, 24 when john prin and i first started out and i just to... used to sing it hoping i wouldn't waste my life and now that i'm four decades on i'm

just grateful that i had those choices-- as you were celebrating earlier. >> stephen: oh, by the way, you are a woman. (laughter) and i... i respect that. >> (laughs) i respect the fact that you're very special. >> i sense that and i'm also getting that heat you were talking about. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: be careful. i have a bean to pick w you. you're one of those activist types. you're a no nukes environmental lady, right? >> yeah, i knew this was coming. >> stephen: let me guess, you're one of those people who say don't use electricity. you have 11 houses and they all run on baby seal meet. (laughter) do you walk the walk, baby? >> i walk the walk. i'm not perfect but i try to conserve where i can. i switched the lightbulbs out, i drive a hybrid. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: but you don't sing songs about conservation, do you? >> i think my audience would probably take a hike if i did.

>> stephen: that's interesting because when i was younger people were singing songs about the political issues they cared about. i don't see that much anymore. do you regret that's not around anymore? >> with the occupy movement i think there's a lot more people interested in having a vocal... their points of view out there. there's a lot of political banter. especially on the internet. people can put up their youtube... some songs are a little pedantic or corny but other ones are great. >> stephen: i don't know what the word pedantic means but that's good. (laughter) speaking of songs you've got a song right now hitting the charts. >> yes. >> stephen: it is your reporting of the great jerry rafferty song... >> whose 65th birthday would have been today. >> stephen: it's called "right down the line." it's an incredible version. come back, play it for us? >> thank you. next time you'll sing with me. >> stephen: maybe. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) we'l

durn'it, this thing's runnin' slow. (cheers and applause) we'l bet you think you're pretty quick? yeah, i guess it is pretty quick. jesse?!? jesse? jesse?! much obliged. suddenly, everything else seems old-fashioned. ultrabook. inspired by intel.

>> stephen: here to perform a song off her new album "slip street stream" ladies and gentlemen, bonnie raitt. (cheers and applause)

♪ you know that i need your love ♪ you've got that hold over me as long as as i've got your love ♪ you'll 6-... you know i'll never leave ♪ when i wanted you to share my life ♪ i had no doubt in mind it's been you ♪ oh, baby, right down the line ♪ ♪ i know how much i lean on you only you can see ♪ the changes i've been going through left a mark on me ♪ you've been constant as a northern star ♪ the brightest line that shines it's been you ♪ oh, baby, right down the line ♪

♪ i just wanna say this is my way ♪ of telling you everything i could never say before ♪ yeah this is my way of telling you ♪ that everyday i'm loving you so much more ♪ cause you believed in me through my darkest night ♪ you put something inside of me ♪ you brought me into the light threw away all those crazy dreams ♪ i put them all behind it's been you, oh, baby ♪ right down the line

♪ ♪ ♪ i just wanna say this is my way ♪ of telling you everything i could never say before ♪ yeah this is way of telling you ♪ that everyday i'm loving you so much more

it was you, oh, baby, right down the line ♪ it's been you oh, baby, right down line ♪ ♪ it's been you, it's been you right down the line ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: bonnie raitt, everybody, theee announcer: fro