teaching of evolution, or maybe he wasn't, the science isn't in yet. neil diamond has married 29 years his junior, don't worry, she'll be a woman, soon. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. you're very kind.

(cheers and applause) welcome to the report. glad to have you with us. folks, i got to tell you, the general election campaign is barely under way. and president obama is already resorting to ad homonym attacks trying to divide the country just when the republicans are trying to unite us against him. (laughter) fortunately fox & friends chief friend steve doocy isn't letting him get away with it. talking with mitt romney on thursday, doocy quoted the president's blatant attack on mitt. >> he said unlike some people, i wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. (laughter) >> stephen: unlike some people, oh gee, who could obama possibly mean. we all know when are you talking about someone being born into privilege it can only mean mitt romney so

petty. and it is bound to backfire on the president, because being born rich is mitt romney's greatest accomplishment. (laughter) and i believe it is a cowardly statement by the president, made all the more cowardly by the fact that he never actually said it. >> that's why we've got the best universities and colleges in the world. because somebody did the groundwork. we created a foundation for those of us to prosper. somebody gave me an education. i wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. michelle wasn't. but somebody gave us a chance. >> stephen: so he didn't say "unlike some people", unlike some people. (laughter) but, folks, that does not mean it was poor journalism. doosesy was practicing

journalism plus, by quoting the subtext. it works like this i don't give out hand jobs at the bus station. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: unlike some people. (laughter) and doocy's subtext must have seemed true because his version was quoted verbatim by "the new york post" and "the washington post". i believe in journalism, that's called picking up a deuce with your bare hands. now sure, the white house claims that the president has been using the silver spoon line since 2009 on the technicality that he has. >> folks like you and me, george, who have been unbelievably blessed, neither of us were born with a silver spoon in our

mouths. >> you guys know my background. we didn't come to the scene-- we didn't come to the scene we a silver spoon in our mouths. >> neither harry or i were born with a silver spoon in our mouth. >> that is the reason the three of us were standing here today, none of us were born way silver spoon in our mouths. but we got a great education. >> stephen: but just because the president has been saying it since 2009 doesn't mean it's not about mitt romney. he's been running since 2005. (laughter) in fact, obama's been taking potshots at mitt romney all the way back to his 2008 campaign with his pass of a gressive slogan, yes, we can, unlike some people. (applause) so that, so exslernt reporting, steve doocy. and i know good reporting. by am an independent newsman, not some self-satisfied

brown noser toting to the republican establishment, unlike some people. (cheers and applause) folks, you watch the show. you know, i'm a tastemaker. everyone wants my seal of approval. the alternative is my walrus of condemnation. there is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) nation, it can be tough to meet people out there, it seems everywhere you go the single people you meet are only into one thing, somebody else. but a new service is trying to change that. pheromone parties which helps people find their match based on scent. here is how it works. everyone going to the party sleeps in a clean t-shirt for three nights to capture their odor, and then brings that shirt in a ziplocked bag to the party. the bags are then placed on

a table where guests can smell them at their leisure to see if they want to meet the person behind the stank. it's doubly convenient because should you suddenly have the agonizing realization that you have been reduced to smelling old t-shirts to find a date-- (laughter) >> your head is already in a plastic bag, just zip it shut. plus-- (applause) >> i'm giving a wag of my finger to pheromone parties foreign couraging premarital smelling. read the bible, you must wait for the wedding day, after the priest says you may now sniff the bride. that's why we wear cologne, to keep us from smelling each other and falling into a wild, uncontrollable rut. once again, my apologies to doris concerns goodwin, using sense of smell to find

your soulmate say slippery slope, folks. pretty soon our young singles will have tawdry one-night stands with bounce dryer sheets and the snuggle bear. you slut! (applause) nice. next up, ever since republicans started talking about defunding planned parenthood democrats have accused the right of having a war on women. well, that's ridiculous. why would we go to war on women. they don't have any oil. the fact is, republicans care deeply about women. just women who haven't been born yet. and now in arizona, they're even looking out for females who haven't been conceived yet. >> arizona lawmakers have just passed three antiabortion bills, including one that declares that pregnancies begin two weeks before conception. it basically says that the gestation begins when you ovulate and not when you

actually-- when the egg is inseminated. >> they are not only pro-life, they are prelife. (laughter) >> so a big tip of the hat to the state of arizona for calling a woman legally pregnant two weeks before she is actually pregnant. that means, according to arizona law, any woman who is not presently men straighting is pregnant so con-- menstruating is pregnant. so congratulations, nana. she's not showing at all. she's not showing at all. she must be in like her 95th trimester. but you're not off the hook, fellas. remember, your sperm carries the chromosome that determines gender. so our balls are also pregnant. makes sense, i haven't had my period in years. this is so much responsibility. i mean i want to bring them up right. you know, people say playing mozart to your baby in utero makes them smarter.

so-- i think, um, i think it's time to play some -- -- (cheers and applause) >> a little, a little nut ms. ic to my magic flute. >> oh, i think i felt a little kick. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

[ children laughing, simple tune on piano ] be inspired. take a break. have some fun. learn and make. what's your nook? nook tablet. get it at your neighborhood barnes and noble.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, thank you. ladies and gentlemen, mitt romney has electrified the republican base. thanks to the inspiring worsd of his new campaign slogan, de facto. and m itt is really connecting to average voters like this casual get together last week when he accidentally came across these four random pittsburgh couples having a picnic with their pet flag stripey. but as sometimes happens during mitt's daily minute of respond tan aity there were 59 seconds of awkwardness, jim. >> romney is coming under some fire following comments he made about cookies from a pittsburgh area bakery. the owner of the bakery, a local institution decided to sends the presidential hopeful some cookies when he came to down but when the

moment of truth came romney did not seem impressed. >> i'm not sure about these cookies. they don't look like he made them. did you make those cookies. >> no, no they came from the local 7-11 bakery, or wherever. now it's a little rude but may i point out, he didn't fire them. it turns out the bethel bakery is the pride of pittsburgh. but how was mitt supposed to know that there is something pittsburgh is proud of? (laughter) people just don't get mitt romney's sense of humor. it's like that time he greeted nascar fans wearing dollar ponchos by saying i like those fancy rain coat os you bought, really sprung for the big bucks. it was a joke. he knows they're poor. that's why it's funny. folks, i am insulted, on top of everything else, i am insultsed by the idea that people are going to pick the leader of the free world

based on something as frivolous on whether he insulted cookies. they should base it on whether he harmed a dog. now for months commentators have been talking about the famous romney family road trip where romney tied their dog in a crate to the roof of the car. by the way, potential romney running mate, arrange your own transportation. well, the fact is we now learn shamous had a great time, just ask ann romney. >> the dog loved it he would see that crate and, you know, he would like go crazy because he was going with us on vacation. >> stephen: yeah, he loved it. in fact, he always asked for it, roof, roof, roof. (applause) that's why he loved it so much, that's why mitt's olds son tag noticed a brown liquid running down the rear window of the family station wagon. well, for some reason, that mysterious brown liquid has

turned out to be a stain on romney's reputation. but i for one am happy to report the romney campaign has found an obama dog story even more damaging. listen to obama's own voice describe food his stepfather fed him as a small child in indonesia. >> and away from the dinner table i was introduced to dog meat, tough. snake meat, tougher, and roasted grasshopper. >> crunchy. >> stephen: that was from obama's best selling book. it was either dreams from my father, or the sequel, dog meat from my stepfather. (laughter) it's fun, it's fun. i wonder what obama's favorite dish was, german shepherd pie with a side of bichon fries or lab radoodles with steamed cauliflower and hearts of pomeranian? hound cake. (laughter)

folks, i believe anything its president obama did as a ten-year-old is the same as anything romney did as an adult. (laughter) and i have found explosive photographic evidence that he supports pirates. someone has to help that woman, call seal team 6. we'll be right back.

♪ [ lil wayne ] ladies and gentlemen if you got anything from me. it's to find your thing and do you! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ because we all know it's not what you do ♪ it's how you do. ♪ and this is how we do.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks very much. my guest tonight is the subject of a if you documentary about his efforts to revise texas school books. i hope he brought his teachers edition because i'll be demanding the answers. please welcome don mcelroy. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you so much for coming on. >> it's my pleasure. >> stephen: now you are a former member and chair of the texas state board of education. >> that's right. >> stephen: all right, now please tell the good people why it's so important what texas decides is in textbooks. >> texas is such a big adoption state, they have so many textbook, they do it all at once with a lot of money. so it impacts the textbook publishers. they will be used in other states sometimes. >> stephen: between you and california you pretty much set the market for textbooks. >> that's what they say. >> stephen: you don't live in texas but if are you in

new hampshire, you might be using a textbook that you personally approved. >> possibly, at least major parts of it. >> stephen: so now there is a documentary called the revisionary, that you are a subject of, right. >> that's right. >> stephen: all right, jim, let's take a look. >> their godless left wing culture has taken over the mainstream media. they have taken over our universities. thousands of professors have converted our universities into left wing seminaries. and for the last two years with the help of their young converts, these so-called experts have taken over our national government. well, i disagree with those experts. somebody has got to stand up to experts. >> stephen: i absolutely agree with that, sir. someone has got to stand up to the experts. (applause) and i don't want-- and i don't want you to take this as an insult but i know you are a dentist by trade, correct. >> that's right. >> stephen: i don't believe that you're an expert in teeth.

>> that's right. >> stephen: i don't believe that science is in on cavities. why must we stand up to the experts? >> you know, when it gets to those good old evolutionists, they would have us believe so much that needs to be explained by unguided natural process. and frankly f you look at the complexity of the cell, i'm a skeptic. i'm a skepticment when i see that all of this is a result of unguided process and you see how complex it is, i have become a creationist. >> stephen: how do you believe the world began, how long has it been here and did we share the plan wet dinosaurs? >> yes. >> stephen: human beings and dinosaurs walked side-by-side. >> that's my personal view. >> stephen: is your personal scientific view. >> absolutely. >> stephen: okay, your personal, i agree with you, science can be a personal choice. (laughter) you. >> you know-- i love it. (applause)

>> well, i would like to say dr.is it is unreasonable. the atheist have its biggest problem. they have to have something come from nothing. >> stephen: i agree,. >> i teach my fourth grade sunday skol class what jonathan edwards describes nothing is what a sleeping rock dreams of. now you can imagine writing a book about what a sleeping rock dreams of? so they have a problem. the atheist have a problem. the evolutionists say they have a problem. >> stephen: i know what a sleeping rock thinks of, hot lava on lava action. >> yeah. (applause) >> . >> stephen: so go ahead. >> i am a creationist, and a creationist in time is not that big a deal. and it is my understanding of the bible, yahweh's book seems to be the simplist explanation, about the times. >> stephen: i think it would be even simpler if we took the textbook out and gave its kids the bible and said-- . >> stephen: any questions. >> explain what happened this in there. how did the world begin.

>> in the beginning god create the heavens and the earth. >> stephen: and the earth. >> and when i looked at the evidence for evolution, i found it unconvincing so i don't think he used, i don't think he used evolution to do it,. >> stephen: really? i agree with you but so few people agree with me. i don't think anything, i mean there is only one evidence for evolution for me. >> what's that. >> stephen: and that is the devil. he started off as an angel and evolve mood a devil. >> he did it pretty quickly. >> stephen: de it very quickly, one again ramtion, himself-- generation, himself that is why he tried to trick us saying everything he volume ofed. >> yeah. >> stephen: but the changes that you call ford in the textbook aren't just evolution. you also wanted to remove references to tom jefferson and his importance in the founding fathers. >> why was that. >> that's not true. >> we actually-- . >> stephen: i personally have chosen that it is true. (applause)

(cheers and applause) >> well, i'm really glad you brought up thomas jefferson. first of all, he is-- we as religious conservatives would have no reason to downplay thomas jefferson a fellow religious conserve tiferment. >> stephen: i don't care for the guy but if you felt like he had to be in your book, that is fichblt he took a razer to the bible, and that up set me you know that. >> absolutesly. >> stephen: why with would he tear out the miracles. >> his personal opinion. >> stephen: what is wrong with having a personal opinion about the bibe ohl, the bible is inner rant there are noer are rohrs in it. >> we don't share the same theology. >> stephen: okay. >> now. >> stephen: how do things get into text books because i imagine that experts wrote textbooks but in fact, they get voted on at a school board, as to what is true. >> what happens is-- (laughter) >> stephen: i'm just curious, i want to know, does the

school board decide what goes in or out. >> the school board decides what is in the standards. and the people that write the textbooks write the standards. and it is all about the standards. >> stephen: and if what they write doesn't meet your standards, what happens. >> if they don't, they will not be adopted. >> stephen: si have always been a fan of reality by majority vote. (laughter) doctor, thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) no, wait, wait, wait, don't leave yet, jon mcelroy, the revisionary is now in theatres in select cities. give it up. (cheers and applause) take a step. have a look. explore it all. find your nook.

what's your nook? nook tablet. get it at your neighborhood barnes and noble.

>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org i blew mine up, and now it smells like my mouth. - i never sleep on planes. i don't want to get incepted. are you going somewhere? - carol has a flight to raleigh-durham, so i'm going with him, and we're gonna drive out and spend a few days at an inn at nags head.