>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11. here it is your moment of zen. >> when you get the individual tax base -- i'm losing sound here, aren't i? i tell you these batteries were made by washington, d.c. >> stephen: tonight, donald trump makes a controversial claim. he says he has "not" been bobbing for cheetos. [ laughter ] then, egypt holds the first round of its presidential elections. the winner gets buried with a hundred mummified cats! [ laughter ] and my guest charlize theron stars in the new film "snow white and the huntsman." so that's what jon huntsman is doing now. [ laughter ] romney wins the texas primary.

congratulations, mitt romney. you've gone from presumptive nominee to 'sumptive nominee. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen's name] [cheers and applause]

thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i can't lie to you it's a keep this high. [ laughter ] thank you for joining us. nation, it was memorial day yesterday. i hope you had the traditional cookout with good friends, good laughs, cold beer and sober reflections on the grim tally of two centuries of war. and, of course, vodka watermelon. [ laughter ] i've been off for two weeks and tons of news has happened. so let's get right to the news that matters most to the average american. this is who's honoring me now. ♪ [cheers and applause] over the break, i accepted yet another peabody award for the broadcast excellence. jim? this is our second peabody . growing up, i always dreamed of winning three of these. [ laughter ]

good work, peabodies -- you're two-thirds of the way to fully recognizing my greatness. [ laughter ] and i couldn't be happier to receive another one, mostly because i broke the first one trying to shove the giant coin into a vending machine. [ laughter ] bought me a diet pepsi and for change, i got two people's choice awards. [ laughter ] now, the peabody's nice, but it pales in comparison to the real honor i received. >> maxim's 100 beauties have been named. for the first time there's a male member of the hot 100 club. >> stephen: i am one of the hottest women in the world! boom! [cheers and applause]

i am the first man to make maxim's hottest women in the world. finally! these child-bearing hips are paying off! this is historic. i'm the rosa parks of men that maxim readers want to see back up that bus. [ laughter ] beep beep beep beep beep now, i didn't come in at number 1, but i was awarded the sexiest number. >> stephen colbert was number 69. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: 69!!!! that is hot! as long as the 6 and 9 got married first. [ laughter ] according to maxim, i'm hotter than christina hendricks, nicki minaj, sophia vegara and,

oh yeah, the other 3.3 billion women in the world. [ laughter ] fellas look at your girlfriends if you are at home watching. she's uglier than me. [ laughter ] okay? but don't feel bad ladies. because i'm proof that you don't need to be a busty super-model to be hot. you can still be sexy with a b-cup. [ laughter ] now there are 68 women who are allegedly hotter than i. most notably, my guest tonight who comes in at number 16, oscar-winner charlize theron. fantastic actress, but hot? c'mon! look at her. [ laughter ] i don't see it. i just don't see it. and that's from a movie where you know there were hours of make up. i mean, she looks like a monster.

imagine what she looks like without it. well, she'll be out here in just a little while, and you can judge for yourself who's hotter. anyway, maxim has proven that no award is beyond my reach. so i expect to also win the westminster dog show and motor trend car of the year. i won't tell you where, but i do have a cup-holder. [ laughter ] but there was some disturbing news over the break. barack obama is still president. [ laughter ] or is he? because real estate billionaire and basketball with tooth veneers donald trump has found

new evidence that barack obama was not born in hawaii. no surprise to me. i always found that whole hawaii thing pretty implausible. by that i mean, the state of hawaii. and their word for hello is the same as goodbye? bull(bleep) -- or as the hawaiians say, "aloha." [ laughter ] i mean trump's new evidence is obama's 1991 author bio that was written by an assistant at a book agency that says obama "was born in kenya." everybody's saying this was just a clerical error. but trump knows better. quoth donald "he didn't know he was running for president, so he told the truth." [ laughter ] right.

because trump knows when you're running for president, you gotta get creative with the truth. >> i have a great relationship with the blacks. i've always had a great relationship with the blacks. >> stephen: see? that's a bit of a stretch. maybe not all the blacks. i'm sure there's a couple who don't care for him. [ laughter ] now, i'm happy to say mitt romney is not distancing himself from trump. in fact, they are appearing together tonight at a fundraiser in las vegas. sin city. somebody's drinking coffee tonight. [ laughter ] of course, this coziness has led to criticism from the usual lefty liberals like original drummer for the dead george will, who said this this week on this week's "this week."

jim? >> the cost of appearing with this bloviating ignoramus is obvious it seems to me. donald trump is redundant evidence that if your net worth is high enough, your iq can be very low and you can still intrude into american politics. >> stephen: yes, george. [ applause ] i believe i've proven that. [ laughter ] and trump did not take it well. he tweet-hammered george with "george will may be the dumbest(and most overrated) political commentator of all time." of all time. that includes that numb-nuts. cato the elder. no, jimmy. not cato the younger. cato the elder. yeah, this douche nozzle. "carthago delenda est" my ass.

[ laughter ] cato the elder fans out there tonight? all right, no, no, no, it's all right [speaking spanish b.c. b.c. besides, mitt can't repudiate the donald. he has to keep his eye on the prize. >> you know, i don't agree with all the people who support me, and i guess they don't all agree with everything i believe in. but i need to get 50.1% or more. >> steve: yes according to pot ticks polls obama leads mitt romney polls obama leads romney 45.6% to romney's 43.6%. how's mitt gonna get that to 50.1%? up here? he's already got the fiscal conservatives and the social conservatives already mixed in. it's not enough. trump gets him the birthers. but now he's got to reach out to the 9-11 truthers [ laughter ]

alien abductees [ laughter ] doomsday preppers [ laughter ] sasquatch hunters [ laughter ] sasquatches or sasqueetch. (bleep) that's still only 50%. that last tiny sliver is going to be tough. who represents such a miniscule portion of americans? wait, i've got it! all mitt needs are the blacks who like donald trump. [ laughter ] >> winner is arrest sino hall! darsenio [cheers and

applause]>> stephen: welcome ba, everybody. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] folks, i try to keep things light around here, but as a newsman it's my responsibility to bring you the ugly truths about our world. brace yourselves: it contains other countries. [ laughter ] this is unamerican news. ♪ that is the reluctant smattering

of applause i believe other countries deserve. thank you. [cheers and applause] last year's egpytian revolution is now entering its sixteenth month. that's kind of a long arab spring-- which of course was predicted by the arab punxatawny phil alexandria ali. [ laughter ] he's the leader of an underground extremist weather-predicting sect, the marmot brotherhood. [ laughter ] he popped up, saw his shadow, and was immediately taken out by a predator drone. [ laughter ] of course, i've been paying close attention to the egyptian presidential elections. what kind of democracy will emerge? the first round of voting is over, and from an initial field of 13 candidates, egyptian voters narrowed it down to two promising contenders: from the conservative mohammed morsi -- no relation to morrissey. [ laughter ]

he's a member of the muslim brotherhood, which is kinda like the sisterhood of the travelling pants, only they don't allow their sisters to travel, or wear pants. [ laughter ] he's facing off against secular former military officer and prime minister under hosni mubarak, ahmed shafiq, who promises to "restore security with an iron fist." which is why, if things don't work out for him in egypt, he could run for office in arizona. after all it's a desert, and they've already begun mummifying their current ruler. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] egyptians are so excited about these candidates, they're taking to the streets! >> in tahrir square last night thousands of young revolutionaries came out to protest. they said they do not like ahmed shafiq, the former member of the mubarak regime. and at the same time they certainly do not want the muslim

brotherhood who is going to base the egyptian state on islamic law. >> some people are already chanting, "down with the next president." >> stephen: yes, down with the next president! hey hey! ho ho! tbd has got to go! [ laughter ] this may look bad, but there's nothing to worry about. look at the facts: nobody likes either candidate, angry protesters are screaming in the streets, and only 46% of registered voters went to the polls. which means egypt has finally achieved american-style democracy! [ laughter ] fork america! -- for america! because democracy isn't about getting everything you want! it's about not getting most of what you don't want! egyptians understand this. look at the sphinx. that was a compromise between voters who opposed a giant

statue of a man and voters who opposed a giant statue of a cat! [ laughter ] that's what we americans are going to do this fall. in november, we'll go to the polls, hold our nose and pull the lever for the guy we hate the least. romney 2012! wait. wait. what if we put him on a cat body? we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight plays the wicked queen in the new film "snow white and the huntsman." let's find out who is the fairest of them all. please welcome charlize theron. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. good to see you. >> hi. >> stephen: well, well, well. >> competition, huh? >> stephen: absolutely. >> yeah. >> stephen: how does it feel? not the only hot lady on screen right now. [ laughter ] are you used to this? >> i'm just number 16.

>> stephen: just number 16. how did you get to 16 when you are so fat? [ laughter ] you don't mind if i play head games. >> in all the right places oh, yeah. >> stephen: thank you for the image. you're in this new movie out there. you play a wicked queen. let's show the good people this woman not being so nice.

>> i will avenge your father who was too weak -- >> stephen: that's some dark -- [cheers and applause] >> them are my fighting words right there. >> stephen: yes, they are your fighting words. this film seems kind of a dark for a fairy tale. is this a disney snow white or like a grimm fairy tale. >> grimm. >> stephen: like grinding up the kids and making pies fairy tale? >> serve it up with the onion. this say throwback to the brothers grimm. they are really dark. the original had the queen send out for her heart and have her heart and her liver cooked up in onions. really, really dark. we didn't go that dark. >> stephen: sounds delicious. >> okay "hannibal".

[ laughter ] >> stephen: you get your youth from devouring the youth of other people in this movie. >> or as we call -- it's like botox in medieval times. >> stephen: you grab them and suck the life force and youth out of them. i do that to my interns. suck their vitality out of their bodies. this is why i like you. me and you have a lot until common. >> stephen: your character is not the hero and yet she's so beautiful. because the other girl there, the vampire girl, what is her name? >> kristen? >> stephen: the vampire girl doesn't look as pretty as you do in this movie. you are prettier in this movie than she is. aren't the prettiest people -- listen to me now. one hot woman to another -- [ laughter ] aren't the prettiest people

always the heros? if she's the bad person in this what is that say being look going? what is wrong with look going? >> i don't think it's so much about the narcissism and vanity of it. i think it's really what lies behind it. i don't think narcissists are vain. they are obsessed obsessed withy because it symbolizes power and self worth. it's sad that this story was written in 18 something something and here we are still today and women -- this story still resonates because we're -- women still do the same -- i heard this amazing quote. men age like fine wines. women age like cut flowers they tbhilt a week. it's got to stop. >> stephen: i'm a beautiful woman. i've made the switch from hand some man. i should have stayed a hand some man. >> you should have stayed.

>> stephen: i might switch back. >> you will have an easier time. >> stephen: might be a painful switch back. [ laughter ] >> can i -- >> stephen: you're also -- [ laughter ] tell it like it is, man. >> kit be done. >> stephen: you are also in a movie coming out called promethesis. i'm obsessed obsessed with that. will you just tell me when your character at any point bursts out of someone's chest. >> i'm not kidding when i say there's probably a sniper in this studio who would take me out if i said anything about that movie. >> stephen: okay. so the answer is yes. [ laughter ] charlize theron thank you so much for joining me. [cheers and applause] charlize theron charlize theron, "snow white and the huntsman" in theaters this friday. the 16th