( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, if you watch this show, if you are a frequent watcher of this show, and i hope you are, you know i wear many hats. pundit, journalist, and this one that says i'm a female

body inspecter. which-- due to a pending court case i legally must inform you is not an actual governmental position. once again, my apologies to doris concerns goodwin. now recently, folks, recent i added another hat, that of children's book author! (cheers and applause) thanks. with the public case of i am a pole and so you can. which is currently number one in "the new york times" best-seller list. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: advice how to and miss jane-- miscellaneous. that's right, advice, how to, and miscellaneous. in your face, the blood sugar solution by dr. mark hyman. number six, six, ouch.

plus kind of a creepy name for a children's book. now some might say why are you in that category, stephen. a pole can't give you advice. that story is a complete fantasy. or is it, people who say that? then why is i am a pole also number two on publisher's weekly's list of best-seller nonfiction? (cheers and applause) nonfiction. non, nonfiction. that means everything in this book actually happens. and i certainly, i certainly hope no journalist does exhaustive groundwork that proves me a liar. because the last thing i want is to be embroiled in a literary scandal over this clearly nonfiction book about a talking pole, finding his purpose in life and in strip clubs.

i controversy like that might land me in a teary eyed interview with oprah and that would destroy my sales. speaking of which, the only hard cover nonfiction book ahead of me is the passage of tower, the fourth volume in robert caro's expansive biography of lbj that took him ten years to write. this took me ten minutes to write. (applause) i'm winning. i'm winning! and of course my sales are smoking my fellow punditment i sold more than rachel maddow's drift, bill o reilly's killing lincoln and a blew the doors off sean hannity's 30 days to a thicker neck. (laughter) so folks, go buy this book. and it's great for mother's day which is already passed. but for next year. father's day, graduation, and don't forget to pick up

the audio book narrated by oscar winner tom hanks. all of my and tom's money from this audio book will go to us -- u.s. veteran, united states veterans initiative which help veterans transition back to civilian life. a little backstage anecdote. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, thank you. a great organization. a little kind of fun backstage anecdote. during the recording of the book, tom told me i reminded him of a young "forrest gump". thank you, sir. now folks, we all know that barack obama has been working hard to kill our economy. but it turns out there is something he's working even harder to kill. >> another senior al quite' quite's-- al qaeda leader taken out. >> al qaeda number two has been killed in a weekend air strike. >> we took out al qaeda's number two. and it's not the first time. in 2011, 20078 and 2 o 006

we also took out al qaeda's number twos. right now that must be kind of a tough position to fill. a promotion to number two? oh, mr. al zahiri, i'm flattered, but i promise i would coach my son's buzkashi team and it's my time to bring the headless goat carcass. now al qaeda on rattives aren't just afraid to move up, they're afraid to look up. because obama has carried out more than five times as many covert drone strikes as george bush. so what's behind the president's rightous kill spree? could it be he's just gunning for another nobel peace prize. good luck, sir. or could it be moral authority? you see, the president campaigned on a promise that he would shut down the prison at guantanamo but that turned out to be real hard.

so rather than sending prisoners to gitmo, he is taking the high road by sending them to their maker. as "the new york times" puts it, mr. obama has avoided the complication of detention by deciding to take no prisoners alive. it's brilliant. he doesn't have to worry about habeas corpus because after a drone strike, sometimes you can't even find the corpus. (laughter) the only problem is, the only problem is, folks, occasionally our drones quill civilians. but you know what they say? to make an omelet, you got to kill a few civilians. (laughter) unfortunately, killing civilians hurts americans moral standing. but the administration has a solution, and it's the isn't of tonight's word. (cheers and applause) two birds with one drone. folks, to make sure only terrorists are killed, the white house has sent

rigorous standards for without gets targeted. as counterterrorism advisor john brennan explained we only authorize a particular operation against a specific individual if we have a high degree of confidence that the individual being targeted is indeed the terrorist we are pursuing. this is a very high bar. yes, it is comforting to know that the administration has set the bar at the high level of killing the right person. (laughter) and folks-- here-- (applause) here is now, here's how the president picked who he will kill. >> he sits there with what he calls the baseball guards and chooses who lives and who dies. >> yes. obama gets baseball cards with pictures and stats on suspected terrorists, and of course a stick of steal gum which he gives to biden.

eventually, eventually the process must work because a senior administration official said that the number of civilians killed if drone strikes in pakistan under mr. obama was in the single digits. that's impressive. because those bombs are huge. and the administration has developed a brilliant system foreign suring that those building engulfing explosions don't kill noncombatants. they just count all military aged males in a strike zone as combatants. they reason that al qaeda is an isolated maniacal group so anyone with them is probably al qaeda. the same way that anyone at comiccon is probably a virgin. now-- folks (applause)

>> stephen: now, this isn't just the president executing innocent people around the world by fiat. there is an appeals process. the men are considered terrorists unless there is explicit intelligence posthumously proving them innocent. in which case, i assume, there is a legal process that unkills them. (laughter) now best of all, keeping keeping civilian casualties down by saying the civilians don't really exist could solve the president's gitmo problem once and for all. because you know that place is full of? it is full of known terrorists. he should shut that place down with some drone strikes. now of course, that might take out some guards, but using the president's own standard, they are military age males spending time with terrorists. they must be guilty of something. and if we just keep using

logic like that, none of us have to feel guilty about anything. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) new taurus is going to blow people away...

starting with the guys who built it. i haven't driven it yet. i'm going to try take it easy and warm up slowly. hi. do you get car sick or anything? no, is that a challenge? no, no. so with the 2013 taurus i can pretty much voice command anything. pretty much. you're going to be able to change your radio station,

make a phone call. all that you can do with just the sound of your voice. all of it? all of it. never have to take your hands off the wheel. never have to take your hands off the wheel... which is good when you're driving. ha ha ha. >> stephen: welcome back. thank you, everybody. thank you, folks. nation, i am no fan of new york city billionaire billion mayor michael bloomberg. he is turning new york into an organic slow food thanny state. first he banned smoking. then he banned transfats. then he added bike lanes everywhere. now it's nearly impossible for me to hit bikers on my drive to work. and folks, now he's gone too far. >> new york city mayor mike el bloomberg has touched off a nationwide controversy with his proposal to ban supersized sugary drinks. anything larger than 16 ounce kos not be sold in restaurants, movie theatres, food carts and concession stands. >> no more giant soda at the

movies for the entire family to share, no, the man says no, you can't have it. >> no more giant sodas? come on! this is america, the land of plenty. we haven't even achieved type iii diabetes yet. we're so close. and i don't know about you folks, but i can't drink less than 16 ounces. i need a soda so large that james cameron wants to go to the bottom of it. (applause) this ban, this ban will completely ruin my movie going experience. gi to the sin he ma to drink an oil drum of soda that makes me pee 30 times. by the way, i missed the end of they will ma and louise. how did that road trip go? can't waited for the sequel. how am i supposed to achieve proper refreshment by twoed so-- buy two sodas?

how does this even work, there's two straws. i have only got one mouth where i do stick the other one, bloomberg, you sick bastard! (laughter) make sure not to mix those straws up. but fine, fine. if this is our new reality, i guess we're all going to have to make some big changes. drinkie, come on out here, boy, come on out hering drinkie. dheers plaus -- (cheers and applause) this is drinkie, he's my pet giant drink. you may remember drinkie from previous episodes. he usually tries to kill me but i took him to a cup whisperer and he's much more obedient now. hey, buddy, you want to go for a drink? oh, look, look, he's wagging his little straw. okay, we'll go in a second,

drinkie, but first, why don't you just go over there and look at that sunset, okay. bye. just-- you just-- you just go stare into the sun, boy. you just don't turn around, drinkie. just-- just keep staring in the sun, drinkie. (laughter) i love you, boy. no! no! drinkie! knock, drinkie! no! he was so young. and so refreshing. is this what you want, bloomberg!, you monster, oh, drinkie, oh, oh. oh, i am so sad. i am so thirsty.

we'll be right back. oh drinkie.

(cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the author of a new book called a bunch of amateurs. a search for the american character. the search is over. i'm right here. please welcome jack hitt. (cheers and applause) jack, good to see you. how are you. >> all right. >> nice to see you again, you silver haired devil. now jack, you and i have known each other for quite a few year, both from charles tovn, south carolina. >> that's right, two south carolinas in the same room. >> charlestonians. >> dominion or something, two. >> i mean two. >> a quorum. >> right. >> stephen: all right, now jack besides being a

esteemed charleston yan, also a contributing writing for happener, garden and gun magazine, obviously, you are also the author of a new book, a bunch of amateurs, a search for the american character. okay. why, i got my own theory. but why are am muirs if your opinion the american character. >> well, from the beginning, everybody in europe thought we were a bunch of amateur yahoo!s, fools, unlettered people, self-made frontiersman, davey crockett types. and all the way up until i believe the europeans view of us really hasn't changed in those 200 changes. >> stephen: really, well we kicked their as in concord, did we not. >> we did. but that doesn't stop them from looking down their nose at us. europeans thought it was a fact that american men were smaller, weaker.

small never every sense of the word. and all of the our women were were more infertile an and-- our animals were even stupid. they thought the vapors of north america made us stupid, ignorant and mean. >> stephen: i didn't think coy hate europeans more. (laughter) but how did our-- so then did we embrace -- >> so we-- . >> stephen: franklin went over there and played the role of like the bumpkin. >> that's right, he put on the coon skin cap and met the king as this kind of, you know, this american frontiersman, he is probably the only sophisticat we had at the time, right. and yet he shows up there looking like davey crockett. and there is a great moment when john adams comes to sort of check on him because of course franklin is a famous womanizer and boozer. >> stephen: he is, yeah. >> right, i mean that was his reputation. even then.

and adams gets out 69 carriage and his lace and wig and powder and everything. and i like to think of franklin stepping out with the coon skin cap and-- . >> stephen: an nothing else on. >> he didn't promote air baths, that was exactly whats that what. >> stephen: did he really. >> yeah, nudity was a big deal for him. >> stephen: is that how he -- >> he was american's first nudist. >> stephen: is that how he thought americans were smaller in every way. i tell bhau i like about amateurs, okay. is that they are not the elite, okay. i don't trust the elite. okay, i'm just an average joe, you're just an average joe, okay. and the elite frown on guys like us without go straight from the gutter. americans fly by the seat of our pants. that's why the seats of our pants are so huge. (laughter) do you agree? is that really what makes america great is the fact that we are just kijd of making it up as we go along. >> not only that, but that we feel it is almost our privilege that we can just start over at any time in

our life. fitzgerald says that there are no second acts in america. but i would argue that there is nothing but second acts. we feel it is our our right to storm off to the garage and decide huh, i'm going invest the new car, the new energy source, the new facebook page, whatever it is. and we do this with a kind of cyclical regularity. so that is my case in the book, is that we always think that the age of amateurism is passed t was some earlier time, our grandfathers but actually it is a time that just keeps coming back around. i think is coming back now. >> stephen: since 50% of all college graduates can't get a job in the field they studied for, aren't we going to have a whole lot of new amateurs coming along. because it's got to be people who are doing it for the love of the game, right. >> right. and that is, in fact, happening. i mean there is a huge movement, you know, make magazine, the maker fairs, diy movement, amateurism is busting out all over. these diy workshops are popping up in every town. so america is in the grip of

one of its more creative periods at the bottom, right, at the amateur level. i was going to say, your friends on wall street are, who claim this new title job creators? you know, hi never heard that phrase before a couple of years ago. >> stephen: you should go to the clubs i go to. what up my job creator that is how we call it. that is what we call each other. we can call each other that. >> but these are-- these are bankers. this is-- . >> stephen: the bankers they create jobs in banks. >> no they spun jobs. the job creators are the amateurs at the that have the guts to walk out of a garage and decide i will take this idea and take it to the street and open a shop, you know. >> stephen: now you are a professional writer. how good could this book be? (laughter) jack, thank you so much for joining me. jack hitt, a bunch of amateurs, that's what we are. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: wow, welcome back. folks, before we g i just want to welcome the newest member of the colbert nation. olver campbell gwenn. con gattlations to the entire family w a name like that he's destined to grow up to be a 1920s bare knuckle prize fighter. oliver's second son born to my writer peter gwen who began work on this show

which has me suspicious that he has broken our strict company abstinence pledge. i mean one baby who is to say, maybe they shared a slurpee, i can hear that can happen. but two babies, i got a hunch somebody's been doing some extra kuric lar tip wag, so to peter and his family i would like to extend a sincere and heartfelt, cut it out. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org dee: that's a good shirt, charlie, i like it. you should buy that. - you like it? - yeah. okay, stand a little to your left, please?