>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here's your moment of zen. >> the question i have to ask my wisconsin voters right now is has this done something good

>> stephen: tonight, america has a brand-new export. good news-- unless the export is your job. (laughter) then a new assault on traditional marriage. now we just need an old assault and a blue assault. and my guest, second lady of the united states, dr. jill biden is here to talk about her new children's book. it's about a boy named joe who loves choo-choos. (laughter) celine dion says she's sick of the theme from "titanic". so now it's unanimous. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause)

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (crowd chanting "stephen) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for that ovation. just from the sound of that it sounds like you could do it over and over again. (laughter) welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us in here; out

there. nation, all eyes are on wisconsin tonight and the hotly contested recall election deciding the fate of republican governor and living fifth grade school photo scott walker. now, we taped this show earlier in the evening and the results aren't in yet. i'm tivoing it so no one tell me how unions end. we'll have more on that story tomorrow but, first, folks, you know that i do not flinch at unpleasantness. when the doctor tells me to turn my head and cough, i refuse. (laughter) instead, i gaze deeply into his cobalt blue eyes as he cups my scrotum. (laughter) but even i have been willfully ignoring a terrifying trend dominating the news. >> the college student tellsly he killed a housemate and ate part of the victim's heart and brain. >> miami police say one homeless man attacked another on a busy highway in broad daylight and chewed the guy's face off. >> tonight an international

manhunt far porn star accused of sending body parts to members of government. what the hell is going on here? >> is a zombie like attack part of a growing trend in american cities? >> stephen: that's right. cannibalism is the hot new trend. and you thought saggy pants were annoying. and, folks, there is a terrifying new name for this horror. >> is zombie apocalypse. >> the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. >> apocalipsis de los zombies. >> stephen: apocalipsis de los zombies! (cheers and applause) it's worse than we thought, folks. they're undead and after our jobs! (laughter) so to try to calm everyone down this week, the centers for disease control issued this actual statement. >> the nation's top emergency doctors declaring there is no zombie apocalypse.

>> this is a direct quote from the c.d.c. it says "the c.d.c. does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead." (laughter) with zombie like symptoms. the c.d.c. is reassuring people, look, there are no such thing as zombies but they did issue a statement which... (laughter). >> stephen: yes. it does make one wonder. after all, something has clearly eaten trace gallagher's brain. (laughter) bauds, folks, everyone knows zombies don't exist. or do they? (laughter) see, protest though they may, just last year the c.d.c. issued a very different report. >> better safe than sorry. that's what the center centers r disease control has to say about being prepared for a zombie apocalypse. >> it started with a simple blog post on the centers for disease control and prevention web site filed under "public health

matters." the title: "preparedness 101: zombie apocalypse." >> stephen: sure, back then they said it was a tongue in cheek campaign, but whose tongue in whose cheek? (laughter) could it be that the c.d.c. changed their tune because now they're zombies? (laughter) i mean, it makes sense, the zombies would be attracted to saoeupbts. i mean, they're intellectual elites. all they care about is brains! (laughter) nation, you know me, i'm not one to judge-- i'm number one to judge. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) nation, these days we're all trying to slim down personally i'm a weight watcher. not the club, i just watch people who are overweight. so far i haven't lost a pound but i have been tasered twice.

(laughter) luckily japanese scientists have come up with a great new way to help people ban the bulge. >> hirosi's diet goggles use a shape altering algorithm make items of food appear larger than they are relative to the consumer's hand. a digitally enlarged oreo cookie can make the mind believe that one is enough. (laughter) >> yes, glasses that make your food appear larger. or just put them on backwards to make your ass appear smaller. (laughter). (cheers and applause) so that's why i'm giving a tip of my hat to these japanese diet glasses because they get results! >> when asked to eat normal-sized cookie, he hirosi s test subjects could manage up to 12 in one sitting before feeling full. when the cookies were digitally enlarged one and a half times in a second sitting the test subjects on average reduced their intake by more than 10%. >> stephen: incredible!

instead of eating a dozen oreo cookies in one sitting they ate just 11! (laughter) swimsuit season, here i come! who knows? with the help of these diet glasses, one day instead of being removed from my house by a forklift i can be removed from my house by a block and tackle. (laughter) but the researchers are still working out a few kinks. >> hirosi says the technology is far from perfect. oreos are one thing but odd-shaped foods like bananas will confuse the system. (laughter). >> stephen: well, that's no big deal, we'll just have to eat nothing but round food. hamburgers, doughnuts and pizza. (laughter) and to reward ourselves for sticking to our diet, cake. (laughter) but only 11. (laughter) next up, despite america's financial woes one sector of our

economy is booming. >> a fascinating new report in "time" magazine reveals the united states is the world's top exporter of something you would not expect. >> it is sperm, of all things. (audience reacts) the u.s. is, in fact, the gold standard of sperm. >> stephen: that's right. america is the gold standard of sperm. (cheers and applause) which means it's only a matter of time... (cheers and applause) yes, give it a hand, if you will. (laughter) america's the gold standard of sperm which means it's only a matter of time before ron paul tries to put us on the sperm standard. we can keep our reserves in fort knocking boots. so, folks, i'm giving a tip of my hat to u.s. sperm exports which are up as much as 40% in the last five years and is predicted to be a $4.3 billion industry in 2013.

once again, we've been saved by the invisible hand of the market. (laughter) which has clearly been very busy. (laughter) best of all, folks, this is one job we don't need mexicans to do for us. unless that's your thing. (laughter) so why is our red, white, and goo in such high demand? because in many countries donors can't be paid or remain anonymous which hurts supply. whereas in america anonymous donors received up to $500 depending on education and height. so if you're 6' 2 with a master's in art history, congratulations, you're finally employable. (laughter) well, folks... (cheers and applause) i want to do my part to help the american economy. that's why i'm introduce ago new line of formula 401, my premium

man seed. this time specially formulated for the international market. for france, i am putting out, formula four-eau-one. (laughter) each box contains a supply of my three-star michelin rated gourmet me-brie which i produced while pretending to be trapped inside an invisible box. (laughter) (cheers and applause) and for south america, there's formula 401 extra picante in honor of the latino's beloved sport of soccer it took me a full 90 minutes and i never used my hands! (applause) finally on sale now, ask for it by name. finally dealing with the death

of a beloved pet can be difficult, folks. i remember losing my pet rock in the mid-'70s and having to bury him outside. turns out there was a mass grave in our own backyard. i think the neighbor's kid was some kind of psycho. (laughter) that's why i'm giving the next tip of my hat to dutch artist bart jansen. after his beloved cat orville was hit by a car, jansen wasn't emotionally ready to bury him six feet under so he opted for six feet over. jansen collaborated with a taxidermist, fitted orville with rotors and landing gear to create what the artist calls the orvillecopter. (audience reacts) i know it's unusual, but jansen was just going through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, taxidermy and helicopter. (laughter)

this innovation in bereavement technology will make it so much easier to help your kids adjust to this kind of loss. now you can just say "i've got some bad news about patches, but i've got some great news about that dirt bike you wanted!" (laughter and applause) we'll be right back. (cheers and

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back! thank you very much! nation... thank you, folks. nation, it is june and that means wedding season. traveling to see all your old friends, staying in fancy hotels, picking the perfect gift to celebrate a lifetime of love. sorry, i always get so emotional on how much i spent on other people's weddings.

folks, all that joy can barely contain my rage over president obama's recent endorsement of the gay marriage. (laughter) i have long warned that letting the gays marry is a slippery slope to even freakier stuff. well, folks, i was right. >> one north dakota woman didn't want to wait around for mr. right to make her happy so she married herself. she says at one point in her life she was very unhappy until she discovered the love she craved had to come from within, from herself. so she chose to marry herself in a commitment ceremony in march. >> stephen: this comes as a serious blow to people from north dakota. your state finally gets a woman and she decides to marry herself. (laughter) i'm so sorry, rick. he's so lonely. and this woman is not alone in her love of aloneness. self-marriage ceremonies have

also taken place in the netherlands and taiwan. wow! first you have the balls to marry yourself then you make it a destination wedding? (laughter) once self-marriage becomes the norm, imagine all the societal pressure. your friends will be like, hey, you've been with yourself for 48 years and you're still not entkwaeupblged? what is he/you waiting for? and then you'll have to go home, sit yourself down and ask "where is this going? you've met my entire family, they think of you as their own son." (laughter) and you'll be like "could we please not talk about this now? i'm trying to watch game of thrones, give me some space! we're together 24/7 for christ's sake. you're smothering me, i can't even take a crap alone!" "well, i'm not getting any younger." "not this again!" "do you even want to have kids?" "i'm not sure how that would work." "yes or no, time to fish or cut bait." "fine, let's get married."

but it would never work. and i know, folks, because back in 2006 i held a contest to find out which of my audience members would become mrs. colbert and the answer surprised a lot of us. >> me? i'm mrs. colbert, too? i'm so happy! i'm so happy to be my wife! >> i now i'm a modern bride so i kept my last name. (laughter) and, hey, nobody loves me more than i do but self-marriage just didn't solve my problems because once you make it official all the passion goes out of it. i stopped dressing up for myself and let's just say i got super boring in the sack. so it's with a heavy heart that i announce that tonight i am entering a trial separation from myself. (audience reacts) no, no, no. the way i see it, folks, is that if i truly love myself i should let me go.

but if i don't come back i was never mine to begin with. thank god i signed a prenup. (laughter) we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey, there! welcome back, folks. my guest tonight has a new patriotic children's book. finally we can stop teaching our kids about that socialist collective down in whoville. (laughter) please welcome dr. jill biden. (cheers and applause) dr. biden, thanks so much. i will not pass that up. thank you so much for coming on. >> thanks for having me.

>> stephen: this is a big get for me because i've had your husband, the president, the first lady, you are the last piece of my four-piece collectible set. (laughter) and as the last you must be the most important. >> i must be, exactly. >> stephen: you were the hardest to book here. (laughter). >> stephen: madam, can i ask you something? i'm confused about something. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: you are the second lady of the united states. >> that's right. that's right. >> stephen: which does not mean you are second at being a lady, you're just as lady like as the first lady. >> exactly, exactly. >> stephen: just different position. and yet you still work. >> i do! >> stephen: you're the first second lady to ever do that. >> that's right, i teach at a community college in northern virginia. i teach english. >> and... why? >> well, because i... >> stephen: first of all, why teach english? (laughter) i'm not a fan of reading. >> well, i teach because that's my passion and politics is not really my passion so once we

were elected i was in the classroom four days after inauguration and i said to my husband, you know, i've got to do... i've got to teach. i have to do what i like to do and he said "absolutely." so i've been there ever since. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: couldn't you phone it in at this point? just say "i don't have my lesson plan today, i'm the second lady of the united states, deal with it." >> (laughs) actually, many of my students don't know i'm second lady of the united states. >> stephen: really. >> no, because it's a community college... (audience reacts) i don't mean it that way! (laughter) no, i... >> stephen: the secret service guys in the front row don't tip them off. >> wait a minute, let me go back. (laughs) it's because they're working, they're going to school, they're raising children and, you know, a lot of times they just don't

have time to watch t.v. to see that i'm second lady. so a lot of them are surprised if they see me on t.v. and... which has happened. and... >> stephen: they might see this. >> they might see this. and then they'll say "what were you doing on report report? >> stephen: a lot of people's friends say that. what were you thinking. now, you've got a new children's book called "don't forget, god bless our troops." you're not saying don't forget god, bless our troops. >> no. >> stephen: you're not telling god what to do. what inspired you to write a children's book. >> well, i felt after traveling around the united states and meeting with so many thousands of military families that many americans don't have the experience... don't know what it's like to be a military family or they experience or don't know how resilient and strong our military families are. >> stephen: now, your son served in iraq, correct? >> he did.

and actually bo was in iraq when you went over there. so i don't know whether your audience knows but you were there in 2009 when my son was there and bo told me how much it meant that you came over and that entertained our troops. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: well, it was our pleasure to do so. our pleasure to do so. now, i actually... i also have a children's book, it's called "i am a pole and so can you." (laughter) can we make a deal? can we make a deal that i tell people... anybody who buys my book also buy this book. on amazon i want it to say "people who bought i am a pole also boat don't forget, god bless our troops." >> oh, yes, they go together. >> stephen: my pole spends a little time as a stripper pole. do you have anything spicy in this or is it all... more appropriate? >> well, let me just show you my pole. (laughter) now my pole is a flagpole.

(applause) >> my pole is a flagpole, too. (laughter) >> but my granddaughter natalie do this. >> this is her story about when her dad was deployed. >> oh, that's lovely. do you look to any other second ladies for inspiration. for instance, perhaps happy rockefeller or fluoride calhoun from the 1830s. >> definitely fluoride. >> stephen: she's a big inspiration to us, she's from south carolina. >> no, i'm just... you know, i'm jill biden and i'm a military mom, i'm a teacher, i'm just me. second lady. captain of the vice team. >> stephen: captain of the vase team? (applause) well thank you so much for joining us. dr. biden. the book is "don't forget. god bless our troops." we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) cq