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whooo! whooo! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you're awfully nice. thank you so much. welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> beautiful (cheers and applause) thank you so much. folks, sounds like you had a good weekend. i did too. i myself saw its blockbuster movie prometheus. now director ridley scott's prequel to alien, or gladiator, i'm not sure. i have seen either one. unfortunately, prometheus was ruined for me by astrophysicist and friend of the show neil degrasse. first he wrecked titanic by pointing out that the night

sky at the end was inaccurate. (laughter) how i can lose myself in jack and rose's final good-bye knowing that the pleiades were in the long cedereal position. and yesterday, neil tweeted this. prometheus goes 35 light-years into space but charlize theron gaffees were half a billion miles from earth. yes. 35 light-years would place the crew 205 trillion miles away from earth, not half a billion which neil points out would put them only just past jupiter. okay, mr. big shot astronomer. we get it. you have a gps. you know where all the gas stations are between here and alpha centare. but nation, i'm not just annoyed, i'm also terrified. because if neil degrasse tyson points out everything inaccurate in movies and this was the only mistake he

found, that can mean only one thing, everything else in prometheus is true. the xenomorphs are coming for us. oh my god, charlize theron was here last week and i shook her hand. i'm infected! oh, oh, oh! kill me! oh, what's this. what's this coming out of me. it's just my belly. it's just my-- i had-- oh. >> (cheers and applause) had wings for lunch. still, neil, as a friend, do me a favor, and don't go see madagascar 3. i don't want to find out that zebra was lip syncing. now nation, you know me, you know the show, you know i'm a good catholic. so naturally i keep up with

the latest church news. the hottest vestments for summer. how to spruce up your nar-- narthex and the latest visitation of our lord this week a family in texas found jess news their shower grime. which confirmed what i've always said, scrubbing bubbles are instruments of the devil. well, folks, the big news is that the pope is finally bringing the hammer down on a subversive sect of extremists. >> tensions have been building for years between the vatican and america's catholic nuns. now the vatican has reprimanded some of the sisters. >> the vatican is accusing the largest organization of catholic nuns in america of falling out of line with church teachings and promoting radical feminist themes. >> that's right. nuns are radical fem cyst-- feminists. i'm not surprised, think about testimony all women living together without men wearing baggie clothes and burning incense. you throw in sarah

maclachlan you got lilith fair. here's what has got the holy see holy seething. >> american catholic nuns are being criticize by the vatican for spending too much time helping the poor and nursing the sick in instead of fighting against same sex marriage and birth control. >> the vatican praises the nuns for promoting social justice but slams them for protesting church doctrine on women's ordination and homosexual. >> oh nuns, clearly support the gay agenda. why else would they be on broadway. now of course, there's one nun in particular who has really got the vatican's-- in a bunch. >> strong words from the vatican condemning a book on same-sex relationships, remarriage after divorce, and sex. its author a catholic nun. sister margaret farley's book is called just love, a framework for christian sexual ethics. the vatican says the opinion is quote not acceptable. >> what in the world does a

nun know about sex? that would be like an ultimate vitting dvd released by the dali lama. he's kicking ass and making namastes. (cheers and applause) now its worst part, folks s that sister farley, no jim, no, sister margaret farley, that's better, sister farley has a section in her book on how women have found great good in self-pleasuring. oh, is that how you help the poor by teaching them to master bait. i'm sorry w a guy in my subway car this morning had it down. no help. (applause) now folks the church has condemned sister farley's book saying masturbation is

an intrinsically and grachly disordered action. wow. disordered. you got to be pretty bad at masturbation to mess up the order. (laughter) the bottom line is these nuns need to learn their place. which is at my desk. please welcome the head of network a national catholic social justice lobby sister simone campbell. thank you so much for being here. now now sister, you and your fellow nuns have clearly gone rogue, okay. your radical feminists. >> we're certainly oriented toward the needs of women and responding to their needs. if that's radical, i guess we are. but actually -- >> yes, yes, that's radical feminism. >> i don't think so. >> no, no t is. and by the way, sister where is the outfit where. is the outfit? >> did you burn it in one of

those wive el burning parties. >> we return to our roots. and in our history what we dressed in was the dress of the day, in simple dress so, that's what we do now. we dress in the simple dress of the day in order to touch people more directly. people used to get intimidated by those big habits and all that and we could not really walk with them in their life experience. >> dhufern should be intimidating a little bit. >> i mean actually i think you nuns should be intimidate add a little bit more. the pope and the vatican have said knock it off with the social liberalism. you're not socially conservative enough. you'll admit that. >> well, actually what i will admit is that we are faithful to the gospel. we work every day to live as jesus did in relationship with people at the margins of our society. that's all we do. >> okay. that's a cheap applause line, jesus. you can throw jesus in to anything and seem people are going applaud. >> well, you've got a buck

tour coming up. >> yeah, we do. >> starting thursday. you guys, you and some other nuns. >> correct. >> a bunch of nuns are getting on the busment that's a movie right there. nuns on a busment and you guys are requesting to go to nine different states. >> nine states. >> to different places where nuns are doing. >> doing great work and we're going to lift up their work but we're also stopping at congress offices, connal offices especially of congress people who voted for the house budget proposed by congressman ryan. and that budget undermines the whole fabric of our society. and people don't know it. we want to education people about what is going on in congress, and make sure that they push back against hijacking our nation. >> well now dow-- you do realize -- >> it's its least we request do for people who are suffering in this economy that are left out that are pushed to the margins. >> if we're just concentrating on the poor, helping the poor that leaves the rich out.

>> that's what the rich should be doing. >> no, listen, we need more help. the poor shall inherit the kingdom, right, of heaven. campbell can get through. a have a needle more than the rich man can get into heaven. i need help more than a poor person does. >> you need help to respond, to be generous. you know there is enough to go around if we would only share. it's this american ideal that we should just horde and hold on to the individual things that we have. >> jesus create-- jesus himself said i got mine jacked. >> jesus broke the bread and gave it to everybody and said eat and be filled. and there was enough,. >> if you share. >> well, i'm to the going to debate the gospel with a nun. (laughter) >> it's not fair. sister thank you so much for joining me. the head of network, a national catholic social justice lobby. sister simone campbell.

rz welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, you read the papers, you know that these are uncertain economic times. if facebook can't make money with a free service that offer those tangible benefit what hope is there for the rest of us? >> that's why you need to safeguard all your assets. cash, real estate, and of course fruit. but too often your fruit investments especially bananas are vulnerable to smooshing, jostling, or rough handling while pretending to use it as a phone. well, that ends now thanks to the banana bunker. the only all in one protection system that keeps your individual banana safe. and unlike the cumbersome banana protectors of your parent's day ba banana budget certificate easy to use. >> remove the cap, slide the

banana into the container. the main body then the cap. and it's ready to go. >> great. so where's the instruction video for the banana? how do you work this thing? theory, open banana. engage. awesome. well, folks, i just ordered my banana bunker. and i can assure you one thing. it cost $16, that's 6.99 for the bunker plus 8.55 for shipping and handling. yes, that's pricey but it will spare you the time and hum iliation of cutting off the bruised part or buying forebanana for 25 cents. which means the banana bunker pays for itself in only 64 bananas. and folks-- is it durable?

is it durable, just watch it in action. >> we're going to demonstrate the durability of the banana bunker with my friend michael and he's going to drop it from the fifth story building. there we are. and if you could do a close-up there is your perfect banana. >> perfect for all those times mi out on a fire escape with a banana that i am not eating. and when i reach for my phone or electric razor, my banana plummets to the ground. now i'm out on the fire escape without a banana like some [bleep]. (laughter) of course-- (cheers and applause) >> banana bunker as good as it is, it can't protect my apple. can't protect my apple,

obviously or my zuk ini. -- zuchinit just doesn't fit. also important, banana budget certificate not for plan takens, okay. fors that you need the plan taken paddock. (laughter) but stephen, you're wondering, (laughter) what about theft. banana bunker could be compromised by criminals. so tonight i'm proud to enter the growing fruit protection market with my adt certified home fruit security system. all dow is you just arm the system and your banana is safe and secure from even the craftiest of fruit burglars. okay.

now let's say i'm ready to eat my banana. i just enter my code which is my birth year, 1982, and it's banana time. >> okay, okay, all right, all right, fine, fine, 1964. and all right. (applause) see? now i can't eat it. if only hi put this in a banana bunker. don't let this happen to you. order today. we'll be right back. ;sww

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>> welcome back everybody. my guest tonight is an award-winning acter who stars in the upcoming, the amazing spider-man. >> so all this is about getting even if so i guess you must feel pretty good about yourself, right. am i right or wrong. yeah, thought so. well, thanks to this little escapade of yours i had to change shifts at work so you have to pick up at 09 clock. understood? >> is that understood. >> okay. >> good. >> she looks familiar. >> she's the girl on your computer. >> yeah. he's got you on his computer. i'm his probation officer. i am so glad they finally made a movie out of that awesome muts call.

please welcome martin shine. (cheers and applause) martin, so nice to meet you. sit down, sir. all right. i am really looking forward to that movie. i've only seen that part of it. but it look its really good. it's in 3-d too, isn't it. >> yeah. >> i can't wait to see that high school hallway in 3-did. that is exciting to see the lockers and everything. >> or martin sheen in 3-d. what must he be like in 3-d. with curley hair. >> yeah. >> curley hair. now sir, i'm torn to have you on the show. because i'm a big fan. you're a great actor. thank you very much. thank you very much. but you're also a superleftie liberal. and and you were also you're

like sister commie who was here a minute ago, sister karl marx. >> i love sister. >> you have repeatedly been arrested for acts of activity. >> it's outrageous. >> why, why are you such a leftie liberal. who inspired you. >> it had something to do with that same gospel she was talking about, you know. we're called to be a voice for the voiceless and be a presence for the marginal. and so if you have a capabilities and you don't have to work full-time, you're required to be on the line and serve the common good. >> i should pepper spray you right now! (laughter) >> just for good measure. well, you know t would be my own fault. >> it would, it absolutely would. >> let's talk about your friends out there, one of

the thin russ best known for is playing the president in the west wing. >> yes. >> you realize, you realize, sir, that you have ruined being a liberal president for barack obama. (laughter) because no liberal president can be as liberal or as presidential as bartlett was. >> oh. >> it was an idealized portrait of what it was like to be a democratic president. >> a liberal catholic democratic president, yeah, yeah, uh-huh. >> i thought that you would respond to that. >> no, no i'm a conservative catholic former presidential candidate, okay. (cheers and applause) >> back when it was something wow do as josiah bartlett would you put your jacket on like this. >> yes. >> do you know what mi about to do. >> yeah. >> you're aide would hand you your jacket like this. >> no, no, they wouldn't hand it to me. >> no, i would do it. >> your mike is on there, chief.

>> oh. >> so you're interested in seeing nobody hands it to you, you hand it to yourself. let me see, you go this, go, throw it over your head. directly. >> directly over your head. >> yes, yes. >> yes, now you're really feeling you're ready for battle. >> yes, indeed. >> feels like a piece of armour. >> you had an unhispanic name originally. >> it was originally geraldo rivera. >> no, no, i still have the name ramon es testify easy. >> you changed it.

>> i did. i started using martin sheen because i had difficulty getting a job at that time because there was such prejudice against hispanics. >> the latino prefer to be called. >> yeah. >> have quite a cultural impact on our country these days have you thought about taking the old ramon esteves back. >> if the acting gig doesn't work out i can always go back to ramon, yes, i thought of that. >> so ramon is not an actor. >> martin is an actor. >> what would ramon do. >> ramon did all kinds of things. he worked in a car wash in staten island. i'm familiar with the unskilled labor. >> so you have got a retirement plan. >> martin thank you some. martin sheen. spider-man. the amazing spider-man opens july 3rd. we'll roob right back.