>> well... (boos) you can shout down speakers, my friends, but it's hard to etch a sketch the truth away. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome.

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you so much, everybody. please, heroes, have a seat. nation, last year, we were all swept up in the excitement of the arab spring. especially in egypt last february when young prodemocracy protesters filled cairo'sica tear square and ousted longtime strong man hosni mubarak. it was a traumatic time for egyptians and an even more traumatic time for the bathroom at the tahrir square party party. ( laughter ) now it's a complex situation so let me recap what has happened in egypt. 5,000 years ago, settlements in the valley united to form the first dynasty. then pyramids, cleopatra, blah, blah, blah, cut to last

february. president mubarak steps down handing temporary power to the military. then in november, egyptians voted in their first free parliamentary elections, handing a strong majority to the conservative islamic muslim brotherhood. then there was a presidential election with 13 candidates that led to a runoff between the muslim brotherhood. egypt's top court appointed by mubarak dissolved parliament and claimed all legislative power for itself. the brotherhood refused to capitulate. they held presidential elections, both candidates claimed they won and now officials are delaying announcing the winner and no one knows who's in charge. they even checked for babies in the baskets on the the nile. nothing. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, looking at the big picture, i think the answer here is obvious-- egypt needs a strong leader with experience. and a bold vision for beating his opponents with truncheons,

hosni mubarak. he's a u.s. ally. and it's time to bring him back. there's only one problem. >> this is cnn's breaking news. >> the state-run middle east news agency in cairo is now reporting that hosni mubarak is clinically dead. >> he has had a stroke. he has had a stroke in his heart. he's had a heart attack. his heart has stopped. he has been dead. he's been in a coma. >> he's ling to life. >> hosni mubarak is on the brink of death. >> today his supporters say he's been taken off a respirator and it doing much better. >> it just so happens that his friends here he's only mostly dead. >> stephen: yes, hosni is a friend and the fact that he was dead last week really has me worried about his health. ( laughter ) hosni, your people need you. stay strong. stiff upper lip. well, stiff everything.

( laughter ) nation, i never throw caution to the wind. it will whip back into your eyes and blind you. this is the threat-down. ( cheers and applause ) first up, folks, i've never cared for penguins. too much dark meat. but now, i have a new reason to be repelled by these krill-sucking creeps. a natural history museum in england just unearthed an unpublished 1915 report from south pole explorer george 11et on the sexual habits of penguins followed by 11et's second report, "i'm not a pervert. there just isn't anything else to do at the south pole." the edwarrian adventurure reports the frequency of sexual activity, auto erotic behavior and seemingly aberrant behavior of young unpaired males and females, including necrophilia, sexual coercion, sul and

physical abuse of chicks, and homosexual behavior. shocking. that's just the tip of the iceberg. and we all know the tip is the most sensitive part of the iceberg. ( applause ) and so, folks, threat number three-- sicko penguins. ( laughter ) nation, our kids look up to these flightless freaks. mad gas car, surf's up, happy feet. i'm tell you why those feet were happy. somebody was suck on their toes. it won't be long before our kids are carrying lunch boxes with penguins giving a beak-around. "this afternoon i saw a most extraordinary sight-- a penguin actually engaged in sodomy upon the body of a dead white throated bird of its own species. the act occurred a full minute and the whole act was gone through, down to the final depression of the cloaka.

by the way, the final depression of the klokua, is penguin for money shot. well i think we all now know why the "never had a blooper real for "march of the penguins." it seems kids start experimenting with drugs younger and younger. why do you think they're all losing their teeth? that kid's a tweaker. it's worse than we imagined. >> there is a surprising new discovery in newborn babies and that's positive tests for marijuana even though the infants and their parents have no trucks in their infants. >> five brands of baby soap triggered the positive test, the soaps contain traces of it, hc, the active ingredient in marijuana. >> stephen: no wonder pottedheads have such impeccable hygiene. all of this brings us to threat number two-- stoner babies.

( laughter ) folks, it all makes sense. they lie around in their filth all day watching yo-gabba-gabba, and giggling at the stoupest stuff like dangling car keys. ( laughter ) finally, the "atlantic" is reporting just how vulnerable the homeland is to terrorism. of all the victims of terrorist attacks last year, u.s. citizens made up .001%, adding a comparable number of americans are crushed to death by their televisions or furniture each year, which brings me to the number one threat in america-- terrorist furniture. ( cheers and applause ). ladies and gentlemen, my fellow

americans, i mean, we should have known our furnishings were if league with muslim fundamentalists. we've got ottomans hiding in plain sight. sometimes with afghans. as it's only a matter of time before we're all radicalized by our furniture. trust me-- you spend enough time trying to put together an ikea entertainment center, you'll be ready to murder someone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please. very nice. welcome back. regular viewers of this show know that as sweden, the entire country's twitter feed has been turned over to a new swede every week to drum up interest in sweden. but by handing it to every tom, dick, and pored vote, it has embroiled the country in controversy because so far the official tweeting swedes-- or tweeds -- have discussed

masturbation and asked what's the fuzz with jews? i can answer that one. the fuzz is called pez. so last week i stepped up and graciously offered t to be the voice of sweden, but monday, sweden respond, "colbert will have to wait." ( laughter ) no one tells me to be patient! that makes me so mad! calm down, colbert. count to 10. one. to claim what's rightfully mine i have launched operation artificial swedener, urging you, members of the colbert nation, to bombard the swedes on twitter until they give it to me, and you unleashed a twit-skrieg, and according to the latest report

from the local dot-com, swedish's premiere local online news source, to sweden to reveal colbert twitter news next week. we are so close nation. i have swedish fever. i've got stockholm syndrome. ( laughter ) but, folks, there's only one obstacle standing between me and the swedish tweeting supremacy-- johanas carlson, head of p.r. and social media, "of course we're very flattered colbert is interested, though we're concerned he may not be able to give an authentic view of the country." how dare you, sir! i've made a long study of your nation's history, from its founding by hagar the horrible, to its renowned herds of snow giraffes. now, i've been nice about this but sweden has been the

aggressor. first, sonia abramson, the jew-fuzz girl, said, forget about your swedish twitter account obsession and told me to stuff our swedish meat balls. really. well, sonia, kiss my lincolnberry. ( cheers and applause ). i'm sorry for the salty talk. and the current holder of the swedish twitter throne, ellen forcellieth, hiding behind one of sweden's native potted palms, gloated in this tweet-- just enjoying that i've got something that colbert wants and can't have. it true. i want freedom from talk good grammar. colbert sad. and colbert also want that twitter feed. and if i'm not granted control

of@sweden by this time next week, i am never thought when i started this show seven years ago, that i would ever be saying these words, "the colbert nation will cut off all diplomat relations with sweden." i've got to. i'm sorry. ( cheers and applause ) i've got to. don't i have to? i have to do that. ( applause ) of course, first thing we'll do, of course, is expel your ambassador dolph00grin. of course, i am a man of peace. so before things get ugly, let me make a last appeal with the words of sweden's greatest living poets, benny and bjorn. ♪ if you change your mind i'm the first in line. ♪ i'm still free take a chance on me. ♪ if you need let me know gonna

be around. ♪ if you got noplay to go if you're feeling down. ♪ if you're all alone when the gritty birds have flown. ♪ honey i'm still free, take a chance on me. ♪ gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie. ♪ if you put me to the test, if you let me try. come on, sweden! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a cosmologist whose new to be is about why there is something instead of nothing. i'm guessing because his publisher gave him a deadline. please welcome lawrence kraut. ( cheers and applause )

thank you for coming on. let's get the c.v. out here. it is not unimpressive. you are a cosmologist. >> not a cos moatologist. >> stephen:moatologist.>> stepho ask you for a manny-pedy. the new book is called, "a universe from nothing: why there is something rather than nothing." a book about the ultimate question. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: okay, doctor, sweep away thousands of years of mystery and a awe at creation tt let the greet minds in civilizations all over the world to lead to one point-- a single divine loving creator. destroy it. why is there something instead of nothing?

>> it's really easy, because nothing is unstable. in fact, there's no evidence for anyidatey. everything we know about the laws of physics, which are remarkable and have changed everything about the way we think about the universe what, nothing is and what something is-- this table here is mostly empty space. >> stephen: this table cost me $500. you telling me i got ripped off? ( laughter ) let's go back, go back a second, okay. nothing is unstable. what do you mean that nothing is unstable. nothing is nothingness. >> physics has changed what we mean by nothing. nothing is an empty space, a boiling, bubbling brew of virtual particles popping in and out of existence. >> stephen: that's not nothing. that's something. why are those virtual particles there? because of laws of quantum mechanics and they tell us even though you can try and count and see what's there in empty space, you'll see nothing but in fact one of the biggest mysteries and the reason i wrote the book one of the greatest discoveries, in

fact, empty space weighs something. >> stephen: empty space weighs something. >> in fact, it's the dominant stuff in the universe. >> i am never going to lose those last five pounds. >> never, and in fact-- worse, because in fact, unlike normal stuff you may have learned in high school high school that gravity sucks. in fact it doesn't. with empty space it's repulsive and forcing the universe to expand ever faster. >> stephen: so the nothingness is forcings apart. >> it's forthing us apart. we're not going to be forced apart but the galaxies are. >> stephen: you say-- you say-- you say-- you haven't been rubbing any of that baby shampoo on your head, have you, with the t.h.c. in it? >> no comment, no comment. >> stephen: leave may a hair sample. we'll check it later. okay, you say there are three different types of nothing. >> that's right. >> stephen: what are the three-- i didn't know there was such a variety. a sampler platter of--

>> i would have thought you would be an expert on it. >> stephen: on nothingness? >> there are three different kinds of nothing. first empty space the nothing of the bible, an eternal dark, empty void -- >> stephen: you mean like a true hard vacuum. that would be-- >> most people would have thought that would be nothing. >> stephen: that's what i think nothing is. false alarm. >> but then if i tell that you kind of nothing sultully is unstable, if you wait long enough, that kind of nothing will always produce particles. >> stephen: by saying it will-- >> if you wait long enough the laws of quantum mechanics tell us partles will burp out of empty space and fill up a universe. >> stephen: to me that sounds like the empty space may be empty to us but it is some sort of sheathe or membrane between us and some other reality. >> there's absolutely nothing there until there's something. >> stephen: what's the second type of nothing? >> okay, if you don't buy that,

you might say that's not nothing because there's space. >> stephen: yeah. >> if you apply quantum mechanics to gravity, then in fact space itself becomes dynamical, and universe and spaces themselves and time can pop into existence where there was none before. >> stephen: so in some theoretical end space, before the moment of creation, there-- there-- there can be no time and no space and no energy? >> and no energy, zero energy. >> stephen: and suddenly from nowhere and from nothing comes something and somewhere. >> and it sounds like the ultimate free lunch, and it is. >> stephen: it is. >> it is. and what's remarkable is it's possible without any super natural shenanigans. >> stephen: stop with that. >> why? >> stephen: why do you whyv-- why is what you're doing-- whatever this is-- obviously because i am not in the priesthood i can't understand the values on the blackaboards

you people down-- where are you? >> stephen: >> that's why i wrote the book. >> arizona state. >> stephen: you preach of theoretical physics. you can explain to each other what you mean by your language of mass, and i have to take that on faith. >> no, in fact you should be skeptical. >> stephen: i am. >> i know. that's why i had the arguments in the book -- >> stephen: but i will never read it. you should buy it. >> buying it is important. >> stephen: buying is good. ( applause ) why does why-- why does what you're saying have to be an attack on my god. that's all you've done is attack attack my god the last few minutes. >> all i said is you don't need him. >him. >> stephen: that's an attack. >> the universe as we understand it-- we've changed our minds about the universe. we learned that the universe is more remarkable than anything we ever thought before. and in fact, changing your mind

and in fact being wrong is wonderful. shu try it some time. it's really amazing. it means that it-- it means that-- the fact that the universe is more remarkable than the fairy tales that were talked about by brawn's-age literate peasants before we knew the earth orbited the sun -- >> stephen: so you believe there's no god. >> i don't even use the word "believe." >> stephen: there is no god. >> there's no need for god. >> stephen: is there god? what would you say? >> there's no evidence for god. there's no evidence for god. >> stephen: let me ask you something-- if there is no god, okay, if there is no sin called god, if he is nothing can't something come from him? ( applause ) >> lawrence kraut, thank you so much. lawrence kraut "the universe from god." we'll be right back.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report. i want to thank lawrence kraut. the book is captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org