you are a [bleep]. you're a [bleep]. you're a dumb [bleep]. - you thought of that today? - yeah, earlier. - nice. [dog snorts, party horn honks] [ cheers and applause ] okay. hi. oh, boy. thank you so much for coming tonight. i'm so excited. this is gonna be a real treat. everything has to be perfect, um, 'cause it's my special. and i think, uh, it started off well. i mean, the weather was beautiful already, so we have that. um, i think if you live in a city

as gorgeous and fun as new york and -- and the weather is as perfect as it was today, it's impossible to have a bad day. [ applause ] this morning, i woke up from this real sexy, sex...sex dream! [ laughter ] man: oh! well... [ cheering ] yeah, sex dream. [ laughter ] yeah. um, where i was, uh, making love to george washington. [ laughter ] or, rather, he was making love to me, and i was just keeping real still... [ laughter ] ...like it's done, um... and things are going better than i could have ever dreamed of. [ chuckles ] which is ironic. um... when halfway through, out of nowhere,

my vagina just turns into this avocado pit, and george washington was like, "what the [bleep] is that?!" [ laughter ] um, i was like, "oh, i don't know. i'm sorry. oh, god." wanted to die. thank god i woke up, 'cause [chuckles] i don't know how i would have gotten out of that mess. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, i am so excited to introduce a special guest on the show tonight. um, i'm so surprised that he agreed to do it. i've been working with him, uh, since the early '70s, off and on. but anyways, uh, kurt, could you bring him out, please? thank you. [ cheers and applause ] kurt, um... thank you, kurt.

[ cheers and applause ] kurt is, um -- kurt's my comedy partner, and, um, we both wanted to do the special, but because i am more famous, they said just i could have a special and kurt could, um... do the props. yeah. so... doing them pretty good. doing pretty good. big break for you. big break. [ cheers and applause ] all right. you can...leave. go! okay. um... [ clears throat ] ladies and gentlemen, um, please put your hands together for my wingin', singin', dancing bird! [ piano playing up-tempo music ] hey! [ giggles ] oh, no.

[ laughter ] [bleep] um... [ telephone ringing ] [ coughs ] oh. s-scuse me. hello? hi. no. yeah, i got the note. [ laughter ] yeah, well, y-you got to go south, you got to go south, so... [ laughter ] i'm doing it... now. not so good. okay, well, do you think you can make it for the last -- hello? [ sighs ]

um... kurt? kurt? what's up? what's up? the bird is gone. aw, geez. that dude's unreliable. i don't know what i'm gonna do, 'cause i -- the rest of my set was all with the bird. it was gonna be singing and dancing and gymnastics. i know what you can do. you can do the best one-woman show i've ever seen and you're too afraid to perform. oh, kurt, i -- first of all, this is a comedy show and not as an intense, gripping drama. so... kristen, the world deserves your drama. now give drama to the world! [ cheers and applause ] [ clears throat ]

♪

um, a one-woman show that i have been working on for the last five years, um, about a woman that has shaken history to the core. and that woman, of course, is anne boleyn. and i am so excited to present to you the first act of my show, "anne boleyn on fire." [ laughs ] um... but, um, before i do that, before i break into anne --

because once i become her, there's -- there's no coming back, um, all the layers -- uh, i just want to dedicate, uh, this performance to someone who has stood by my side through all of it. and he's been my dramaturge and my boyfriend, and it happens to be his birthday tonight. and, um, i know he's gonna hate me, but what better way to celebrate than in front of everybody? scottie, could you come onstage real quick, just for a quick birthday? and then that's it. come on, come on. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughing ] aah! [ cheers and applause ] mmm. [ laughs ]

oh, wait! whoa, whoa, whoa! um, whoa, whoa. uh, before you sit back down, i have one other birthday surprise. we have been dating for a long time now. and every day that i'm with you is like the happiest day of my life. and i cannot imagine spending a single day without you. just the thought of it makes me suicidal. [ laughter ] and, um, i've been racking my head, trying to think, "oh, what can i get scottie for his birthday "that he doesn't already have? he has everything." and then i was like, "oh. there's one thing that you don't have." and that is, um, to ask you... if you would marry me. no. [ laughter ] have a good show. [ applause ]

uh, i was being serious. [ chuckles weakly ] hey. we got to keep doing the show. [ sobbing ] all right. um, uh, ladies and gentlemen... "anne boleyn on fire." [ cockney accent ] 'ello. my name is anne boleyn.

and this is my story. [ blows air ] [ dramatic music plays ] [ exhales sharply ] mmm! oh! hello! welcome to my castle! it's a beautiful day in london, is it not? ooh! but what's that i see on the horizon?! why, it looks like a cloud with the ominous threat of a storm. oh, wait a minute. that's not a cloud at all. why, that's king henry viii! [ dramatic music plays ] [ gasps ]

oh! thank you, king henry! they're beautiful! but don't these belong to your wife, catherine of aragon? what?! what do you mean, divorce her?! that's not allowed! oh. well, i guess you are the king. you certainly are. [ normal voice ] is it because you're still in love with your ex-girlfriend? is that why you're -- no. [ grunts ] [ dramatic music plays ] [ grunts ]

oh! [ cheers and applause ] is it because you had a gay scare? is that why? 'cause we're also -- ooh! you made me gay!

[ telephone ringing ] oh. [ laughter ] excuse me. hello? oh, hey. oh, great. yeah. no, it's the best show i've ever done. [ chuckling ] yeah. yeah. killin'. [ voice breaking ] mm-hmm. mm-hmm. yeah. what?! oh, that's awesome. okay, i will. um, that was, uh, my bird. [ laughter ] uh, he has a lot of pull in hollywood.

and, um, apparently, he, uh, got me an audition for "law & order: svu." [ cheers and applause ] i know. i know. um, it's a -- it's a wonderful part. it's the part of the chubby grocer. and, um, if i book it, it is gonna change everything for me. it's a really good part. it takes place in this 24-hour grocery store, where my character, the chubby grocer, works. and in it, um, detective benson and detective stabler are coming in to question me after recently discovering the mangled corpse of my best friend, jennifer, who's been severely murdered... [ laughter ] ...and raped -- "svu," um... by our -- by our teacher, mr. gaines. um... i mean, by a suspect on the show.

sorry. oh, thanks. there's a prop in it, too. there's a cake. [ laughter ] ♪ bum-bu-m-m-m-m oh! hello, detectives! welcome to the store! is there something i can help you find? no? well, i hope you don't mind if i help myself to something. it is my birthday, after all. thank you. sweet 16. yeah. [ scoffs ] i hope it's better than 15. those were some rough times. ooh! mmm! chocolate. [ laughter ] mmm. my favorite. it's a little melty. where was i this morning? um, well, i was helping my best friend, jennifer,

study for our exam for mr. gaines' class. why? she's what? dead? no! no! no!! [ sobs ] she can't be! she was my only friend! that's why i was working at this [bleep] of a store -- so we could get out of this crap town! no, we were not lesbians! we were much more than that. we were bestbians. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ bum-bu-m-m-m-m

thank you. that is -- that is good.

uh, before i, uh, get off the stage, which is gonna be very hard for me to do, 'cause this is the only time i ever really feel alive... um... is that good? how's that? um, a couple weeks ago... [ mumbles ] some more on my hand. hurry! hurry! um, a couple weeks ago, a good friend of ours, um, disappeared, and he hasn't bothered to make contact with any of us. and we're really worried. he's been very depressed. have you heard anything yet? nothing yet. i'll keep watching the phone. okay. um... [ clears throat ] and so, um... if you see him, if you're out and about, wherever you are,

and you happen to spot him, he's pretty easy to pick out in a crowd. uh, he's very small. he's about two inches. um, he's green. his name's clarence. he's a caterpillar -- not that that matters. um...and i have a picture of him, too, just so you don't give me the wrong caterpillar -- i'm so mad. um... what's this? this is weird. "clarence's journal. keep out"? maybe this will shed some light on where he went. um..."june 24th. "i'm a caterpillar. "someday i'll be a butterfly. yeah. that's the lie they've been feeding me my whole life." [ exhales sharply ] "june 30th. "ate too many leaves today.

"feel fat. "greta came over to show off her new wings. "they were beautiful. "what a bitch! i'm so in love with her." that's not good. "july 2nd. "dreamt all night of flying. "woke up excited. "looked in the mirror. still a caterpillar. "july 24th. couldn't go outside. "couldn't stand to be mocked by greta and her new friends, "with all their goddamn pretty colors. "sometimes i think i just want to take a knife to my ugly caterpillar throat and end it"? oh, my god, clarence! "leaf dead. "dead leaves. die, die. dead." i have no idea where this is going. "dead, die. "too sad to write. "perhaps it's time i took my transformation into my own hands." [ gasps ]

oh, my god. oh... no!!! no, clarence! why?! why?! [ cheers and applause ] well, i found him, so you don't need to bother looking for him. clarence is with me now. george washington? [ cheers and applause ] ahoy! freedom will call us by our first names! what? that's a george washington quote. i don't know -- it's a private quote. kristen! we have some unfinished business.

[ gasping ] man: ♪ we had the specialest times ♪ ♪ that anyone has ever had [ laughs ] ♪ we had the specialest times ♪ ♪ and i think i've fallen in love ♪ [ laughs ] woman: ♪ we had the specialest times ♪ ooh. ♪ and i think i'm falling in love ♪ ♪ give me your hand ♪ look in my eyes ♪ i need you, and i realize that ♪ ♪ we had the specialest times ♪ oh! uh, thank you so much! that's my show! good night! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we had the specialest times ♪

-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com [cheers and applause] >> ladies and gentlemen, mr. wyatt cenac! [cheers and applause] >> thank you. thank you very much. i-i really appreciate that. um, and thank you so much for coming out. i know it's really cold outside, and you all didn't have to do that. you could have stayed at home and, you know, watched television or something. i'm sure there are crime scenes that need investigating. housewives that need to keep it real, or...

also because--no offense, but this show is not for you all. like, this-- you guys were impatient, and you came to see me tonight, but i'm actually doing this for television. there are cameras around, and this is for tv. like, this is for these people. like, hey, you guys good? how you doing? you on the couch? yeah, look at you. mmm. what are you eating? that looks good. you know what? get cozy; take your pants off. you can do it, yeah. not like these idiots. they were impatient. i don't even know who they are. they're just a bunch of meat-filled skin bags i found. you know what? i'll see you later. i'll see you at home. i'm sorry. i didn't mean that. i just had to say that for tv's benefit. you all aren't meat-filled skin bags. you're all lovely people, but i had to say it for tv. 'cause i love tv. tv--i'm biased, because tv pays my rent, and tv is the best roommate

you could ever have. it is. tv never leaves dishes in the sink. with tv, when you come home, tv's never bugging you with stories about how peggy in accounting is an ass [bleep]. 'cause she wouldn't take your time card after 5:00. come home, and tv's just like, "oh, man, you'll never believe what's happening in afghanistan." oh, that sounds depressing, tv. "you're right, you wanna watch two ladies make out?" yes, i do. yes. thank you, tv. don't worry about your half of the rent. [laughter] i was at a party recently-- 'cause i have friends who invite me places. but i was at this party, and i was talking with this group of people, and in this group,

this guy starts talking about how there was a robbery in his neighborhood. and i was like, "oh, that reminds me of this episode of law & order"-- which, it actually reminds me of, like, every episode of law & order. but before i could finish, the guy cuts me off, and he's like, "i don't watch tv. i have better things to do." which, then i felt bad, 'cause i was like, oh, maybe he's poor. [laughter] but then everybody else in the group starts chiming in. they all hate tv. like, this couple-- they knew the exact date they threw out their tv. they celebrate the anniversary of when they became boring. and then there was this guy, and he's talking about how he threw out his tv, and he reads all these books, and he's gotten so much healthier, and he's lost all this weight-- mm-hmm. no. no. then this one lady, i think she was just trying to fit in, and she was like, "i threw out a 42-inch plasma.

i gave it to a hobo." and everybody, like, clapped for her. and now i'm feeling embarrassed. i feel like i've just shown up to this party with a booger hangin' off my [...]. like, that's how embarrassed they made me feel. that i showed up to a party with no pants on and something that belongs in my nose on my penis. and now the whole world knows about my secret booger penis. and now they're starting to yell at me, and they're just like, "i don't know how you can watch it. it's such a waste of time." and i finally, like, i lose it. i'm like, "all right, calm down, everybody, just calm down. okay, you know what? i get it. you all hate tv. you hate tv, that's fine. but you know where else you can find terrible stuff? in books." you think snooki's a piece of [bleep]? read her book. yeah.

everybody you hate on tv-- they probably have a book. there are some [bleep] books out there, books that'll rot your brain. they'll ruin your eyes if you read 'em in the dark. but nobody ever seems to lose their [bleep] when a new twilight book comes out. no. nobody's ever like, "ew, books are ruined. they're ruined forever. "get 'em all out of my house. they're yucky! no! throw out all the pulitzers. from now on, i'll get my information the old-fashioned way-- by reading deer scat. ooh, here's an interesting tale about a deer that ate carrots. yep, those are carrots. i'm gonna have trouble putting this down. i think part of the reason

i get so annoyed by people who hate television is because i have a neighbor who is one of these tv-hating people. she hates television, and she's really snotty about it. like, really snotty about it to the point where she'll come over to my place and she'll hang out, and then if the tv's on, she'll roll her eyes, go back to her apartment, crochet herself a bird bath. and then to add insult to injury, she'll jack up her stereo and start blasting npr through the walls. now there are certain things that you can blast through a stereo. you can blast hip-hop. you can blast heavy metal. you can't blast all things considered. and just think i'm gonna be like, "oh, [bleep]--are they talkin' about that new michael chabon book?" that's my jam! turn it up! i want to hear what they have to say about his perceptive use of metaphors.

i don't even own a car, but i love when the car talk guys talk about leaf spring suspensions. but that's what my neighbor does. she's really, really snooty about the fact that she hates tv. she's also really, really attractive. and i've never had an attractive neighbor before. never had. normally, my neighbors tend to be old people, or what seems like an army of parentless children. i just assume they were, like, whisked away in the middle of the night by peter pan... and then somewhere along the way to never never land, he got sick of 'em and dropped 'em off in a studio apartment in a dominican neighborhood. but now i have an attractive neighbor. and i've watched enough television that i know what's supposed to happen. like, i know that we're supposed to hang out, like, go to the local

coffee shop, complain about our relationship problems, our friends are like, "you two should get together." we're like, "no, we shouldn't. should we?" maybe we both get jobs at a chocolate factory, and the conveyor belt's moving too fast. we have to start jammin' chocolate down our mouths and down our shirts. the holidays come, we're both snowed in, can't go home for the holidays. power goes out. we're forced to hold each other for warmth. next thing you know, we're making out. by sweeps, she's moved into my place, we've turned her place into a detective agency. that's what's supposed to happen, but she doesn't know that, 'cause she doesn't watch tv. [cheers and applause]

>> recently, i was in my apartment, i was hanging out with a friend of mine. we were riding up and down

the elevator. it's what we do. we're adults. we can do that. but we were hanging out, and we were talking about the show top chef. i like the show. it's a fun show. [cheering] yeah. my very attractive, tv-hating neighbor happens to get on the elevator with us, with her laundry, and we're just talking, and she overhears us and she starts screaming at me, "shut up! shut up! don't ruin it!" and i'm like, "whoa, slow down. i'm not talking about a movie. i'm talking about a tv show. don't worry. and they're not gonna turn it into a book." i mean, if they do, it's a cookbook, and--spoiler alert-- the ending's delicious. she snaps at me, and she's like, "i know what top chef is. i love top chef. i watch it all the time on my laptop." you own a tv.

and not just any tv, this little self-righteous jerk owns a super tv. 'cause she owns a tv that allows her to watch tv, play scrabble, and poop at the same time. if i want to do that, i have to drag a trash can into the living room. chances are, whoever i'm playing scrabble with doesn't really appreciate it. but a computer is a television. let's just close that loophole right now. a computer is a tv. it's called computer tv. i love computer tv. i watch it at work. that's how i keep up on all my stories. and by "stories," i mean cat videos. i love cat videos. i love cat videos. i saw this one video of this cat... and he--

this cat, he jumps into this box, and then he jumps out of the box, then he jumps back into the box, and just when you think he's gonna stay in the box, he jumps back out of the box! and he does this over and over and over again for 9 minutes and 38 seconds. i know, 'cause i watched the whole [bleep] thing. i loved it! i loved it. and millions of people have watched this video. millions of people love this video, they've seen this video of this cat jumping in and out of this box. it's really popular. and i was thinking to myself, i wonder how other popular things do on youtube. i was thinking, you know who's popular? the president. he's a popular guy. he also makes youtube videos. don't know if you know that. he considers himself something of a filmmaker. he does; he's got his own little youtube channel. and i figured, i wonder how one of his videos would do compared to this cat video. so i went to go look

at one of his videos, and it was a video where he was talking to people about what you could do to help those in the gulf region who have been affected by the gulf region... 500 people had watched that video. 500. i felt so bad that i kept hitting refresh over and over again. 'cause this is the president of the united states, and he is getting his ass handed to him by a cat and a box? that's embarrassing. like, i feel so bad for him, that i feel like anytime he's in town, i just want to run behind him with some cats and some boxes. like, just throw 'em in the background. don't tell him, but just let them hang out in the background and do their thing, 'cause their approval rating never goes down. it doesn't. people love cat videos. here's how much people love cat videos-- i love cat videos. i hate cats!

that's ridiculous logic. i hate the boston red sox. i don't go buy season tickets to go see the boston red sox, 'cause that would be stupid. but i love cat videos, and i don't know why. i wish i understood why, and i've tried to understand why. i've spent many hours thinking about why. i figured, you know what i'll do? i'll just read the comments that other people have left on these videos, 'cause maybe that could give me some insight as to why i like them so much. so i started going through the comments, and it's typical stuff, like, you know, "ha ha ha ha ha." "r.o.t.f.l." which i know that means, "rolling on the floor laughing," but i like to think it means, "reaching out to fellow losers."

i'm going through the comments, going through the comments, and i finally see this one comment that stops me in my tracks. there's a comment, it said, "oh, my god, i want that cat. that [bleep] is adorable." here's the thing... this cat was not black... it was adorable. that was the right adjective... but i don't know what this cat did to become a [bleep]. like, it's just a cat happily jumping in and out of a box. like, i could understand if it was jumping in and out a box of newport cigarettes. that's an adorable [bleep] cat. that is. 'cause he's gotta be really tiny to jump in and out of a cigarette box. how could you not love that? or--or if the box

represented the duality of trying to live in a homogenized society while at the same time struggling to hold on to your fragmented cultural identity... [cheers and applause] and because those two worlds are constantly in conflict, you must jump between them like a [bleep] cat. [cheers and applause] but to just call the cat a "[bleep]" 'cause you don't know any pronouns, that's silly. calling a cat a [bleep]. here's my other problem with this-- you call a cat a [bleep], then you can't go and get mad when other people want to use that word, 'cause you're throwing it around like some kind of black smurf. smurfs never got mad at that. if gargamel was like, "i'm feeling pretty smurfy,"

no smurf was ever like, "uh-uh, homey, "hold up a second. uh-uh, no, you need to smurf that right now. no, see, let me explain something to you. that is a term of in-smurf-ment between me and my smurf brethren, so you need to smurf the hell on out of here, take your damn [bleep] cat azrael with you." "go."

>> i have a friend who recently turned 30 years old. he had other options. that's what he went with. but for his 30th birthday, he wanted to celebrate. he wanted to do something big, so we were like, "okay, what do you want to do? you want to go skydiving? you want to go to a strip club?

you want to get a big steak dinner? what do you want to do? he was like, "i want to go to medieval times!" [cheers and applause] which at first, i thought that meant he wanted to make a time machine. which that i was actually cool with, 'cause i was like, "oh, that's great," like, we'll hang out, bond, as we try to figure out how to make a flux capacitor. and, you know, i mean, we'd go back in time, bet on super bowls and warn ritchie valens not to get on that airplane, you know? you can save who you want. i'm gonna save... [cheers and applause] that's not what my friend wanted to do. he wanted to go to medieval times, the dinner and a show place. which, i don't know if any of you have ever been there. [cheering] no! no! do not listen to these people! do not listen to them. they do not care about you.

these people are not your friends. if someone invites you to medieval times, they are not your friend. they do not have your best interests at heart. you need to throw nickels in their face and cut your losses, which are really just the nickels you threw. here is medieval times, if you've never been. it's--you show up to a castle, which is typically in a place that doesn't need a castle. at no point in time has anybody ever needed to attack or defend lyndhurst, new jersey. but you show up to this castle, and there's a lady there in a wench outfit, and she's like, [british accent] "welcome to medieval times. are you ready to step back into the middle ages?" [normal voice] "yes, if that's what

we're doing, sure. point me in the direction of a witch. i want to burn it." 'cause that's medieval times to me. not... [english accent] "would you like more grog or diet grog with your garlic bread?" [normal voice] that's not medieval times. that's false advertising. it's the same problem i have with build-a-bear workshop. i really want to build a bear. i do. he'd have, like, polar bear legs, grizzly bear's torso, kodiak's arms, but a panda bear's face. so that way he mauls you like a bear, but he eats you like... [humming] do you think medieval times will be open in the future? like, not ten years from now, but like centuries from now? like, i don't see why it wouldn't be. it's a business model that works. it's family fun that also appeals to a 30-year-old's sense of ironic whimsy.

i just wonder if in the future, will they still be doing the same crappy versions of middle ages, or might they move on to ruin another part of history? you know, like the gang wars of the late '80s and '90s. like, you walk in, and there's some dude dressed up like a cholo, in, like, dickies and a wife beater. [english accent] "welcome to medieval times. what's that you claim, vato?" [normal voice] some of you might be confused-- why did i choose an english accent... for what i was describing as an east l.a. street tough? i could put this on you all, and i could say, maybe you need to open your minds. maybe, just maybe, a single mother from liverpool got herself a job in los angeles, but the only place she could afford was in south central, and her oldest boy allister got caught up in that life.

i could say that. a more reasonable explanation is this-- if you know anything about history, you know that the annals of history erode over time. this much is true, if you've ever seen any movie like 300 or gladiator or ben-hur, movies that feature greeks, spartans, romans-- in all those movies, all those people always have english accents. what makes you think mexicans will escape that same fate? mm-hmm. no. but medieval times of the future would be cool, you know, you get to go in, and pick, like, blood or crip. you eat your dinner as you watch dudes do drive-bys on each other. and some lady in a housecoat comes running out, like, "my baby! my baby! look what they did to jerome!"

the buffet is just funyuns and 40-ounces. you get to call the waitress "bitch." when she gives you the check, she also gives you a failure to pay child support notice. [english accent] "take care of your [bleep] baby."

chances are, you're not made of money, so don't overpay for motorcycle insurance. geico, see how much you could save.

>> i went to my high school reunion recently. i didn't want to go. i really didn't want to go, and i thought about it for a while, and i was like, "you know what, wyatt? you're doing all right in life. why not go rub it in other people's faces? oh, i'm cuter than you remember? well, too little too late, father plappenger. this ship has sailed, sir." i should clarify that i went to an all boy's catholic school. i probably should have lead with that. i actually enjoyed going back for my high school reunion. i had a lot of fun. it was nice to catch up with people i hadn't seen in a long time. i saw these two guys that i used to always hang out with in high school.

these two guys-- dwayne and casey. we used to always hang out together. always hung out together. and we're catching up and all these memories start rushing back. dwayne and casey-- they used to always have snaps competitions with each other, where they would snap on each other, tell, like, "yo mama" jokes and stuff, you know, like, "yo mama's so fat, she's probably got hypertension." i don't know. it was never really my thing, and they knew that, so they'd snap on each other, and then whenever they got bored, for fun, they'd snap on me, 'cause the best i could ever do was, like, "uh, well, your mom's so dumb, she didn't graduate high school? and has therefore had to work menial job after menial job to provide for you and your family. i guess it's not really a slam as much as a story of triumph." that was the best i could do.

but we're catching up, and all of a sudden, dwayne, just out of nowhere, snaps on casey, and casey snaps on dwayne. and they're going back and forth and back and forth, and i'm like, "[bleep], i know how this game gets played. i need to come up with my own snap for when they snap on me." i'm like, "think, think, think, think, think." and this was the snap that i came up with" "yo mama is like darfur. everybody feels bad for her, but nobody really wants to help her." yeah. snaps competition, pretty much over. it was then just me standing awkwardly by myself. not even father plappenger will touch me. that was the thing, though, when i was a kid, when i was growing up, like, that was one of those things-- you had to be good at snaps.

like, if you weren't, you weren't black. and when i was growing up, there was all this pressure to be black. maybe not if you were chinese, but for me, it was something i felt. and you had to fit this idea of what black was, so you had, like, you had to do snaps, and you had to play basketball, and you had to love hip-hop, and maybe at some point you applied to be in the crips. like, you didn't have to get in, but at least they have your resume on file. you know. you had to be so black that your big [bleep] had a big [bleep] of its own, and if you weren't that black, people were like, "oh, you're a sell-out. you're an oreo." and that's the term for a black person who's considered a sell-out, 'cause they say that you're black on the outside and white on the inside. recently, i learned that the term for a hispanic person who's considered a sell-out is a coconut. and an asian person is called a banana or a twinkie.

i don't think people would be so compelled to be sell-outs if it didn't sound so damn tasty. it's like, "[bleep] you, you oreo!" "[bleep] you, "what's that, i'm popular and delicious? thank you. [cheers and applause] now if you'll excuse me, this oreo's gotta get back to his math homework. [humming] ♪ i love math [humming] ♪ dave matthews band " i have a native american friend, and i was talking to him one day, and i was like, "hey, man, what do they call native american sell-outs? do they call 'em 'apples'?" and he was like, "no, people don't call us [bleep]! they forgot we [bleep] live here!" and then he turned into a raven,

and he flew away. ♪

♪

>> i moved to new york about two and a half years ago. i like new york. i was born here. i lived here as a baby, so it's nice to be back, yeah. [cheers and applause] yeah, it's very nice to be back. it's changed a lot since i was a baby. it has. when i was a baby, everywhere you went,

there was just shapes and colors everywhere. they have really gentrified the hell out of this place. my old neighborhood, on the corner-- or what i think was the corner-- was this amorphous yellow blob. and now it's a chipotle. i miss that blob. as much as i love living in new york, when i first moved here, i was really homesick. i missed all my friends back in california, and i had, like, a routine in california, i had stuff i did. and i missed all of that, and so i never left my apartment. i would just stay there and call my friends back in california all the time. and one day, one of my friends was like, "look, wyatt, you need to get out of the house. you need to go do something." i was like, "it's boring." she was like, "you live in new york city. it's the most exciting city around." i was like, "[mocking]" which--that's how i pout. and my friend was like, "look, this is what i want you to do. go grab the newspaper, open it up to the calendar section, and whatever the first thing

is in there, i want you to do that." i was like, "[mocking]" so i went to get the paper. "[mumbling]" i had to go down to the corner. "[mumbling]" got a paper. "[mumbling]" i wasn't gonna read it on the corner... "[mumbling]" so i got the paper, i come back in my apartment, i open it up to the calendar section, the first thing in there is the westminster dog show. and i am like, "i am not doing that." my friend's like, "why not?" i'm like, "i'm a black dude. i have a reputation." my friend was like, "oh, get over yourself. "if anybody gives you a hard time, tell 'em you thought it was a dogfight." all right, that works. so i head to the westminster dogfights. which, if you've never been, they have 'em at, uh, madison square garden, and i'm crossing the street about to enter, and standing in front

of madison square garden, two members of the ku klux klan. i know this because they are wearing the white robes with the pointy white hoods looking like what i assume a ghost in a geometry teacher's nightmare looks like. "you're gonna be visited by three spirits-- one's a rhombus." "i can change, quadrangle, i can change!" but they're standing there, and they're handing out pamphlets, and my first thought is, "i want one of those pamphlets." but i don't feel like i can ask for it. like, i don't feel like i can walk up, like, "pardon me there, fellas, do you appreciate irony? you don't. all right, fair enough." i want a pamphlet, and i'm trying to figure out how to get a pamphlet. i'm like, "how do i get one of these pamphlets?" and i see this teenager, a young white kid, and i see him and i stop him, like, "hey, man, you see

those ghosts over there? i will give you $20 if you go grab me one of those pamphlets." kid's like, "all right," so i give him $20, he walks across the street, grabs a pamphlet, keeps walkin'. and now i'm mad, not just because he robbed me, or because i might have been unclear in my directions... but also because i think i just made a racist. i literally gave him a scholarship to hatred university. [cheers and applause] and i still don't have a pamphlet. like, i want a pamphlet. and i see them hand one to this lady, and she kind of looks at it and throws it to the ground, so i run behind her, i grab it, and i'm like, "ah-ha!" i read the pamphlet, and this

is what the pamphlet says. it says, "the westminster dog show is just like the ku klux klan, because they're both into pure breeding." which seems like a stretch. like, i don't know anybody who's ever been run out of their neighborhood by a pack of poodles. doesn't really happen, but i guess if dogs are racists, it gives some credence to that whole [bleep] cat theory. i read a little further down the pamphlet, it says, "this message courtesy of your friends from peta-- people for the ethical treatment of animals." i'm like, "oh, okay, these people--they're not from the klan; they're from peta. and they're either stupid, or this is the worst dry cleaning mix-up in history." like, i have to assume that there are two racists somewhere, like, at a cross burning, wearing

"fur is murder" t-shirts. just confused. [cheers and applause] and somewhere else there's a korean dry cleaner just laughing... and eating a cat. i want to open a racist bakery. i'm gonna call it, "cake, cake, cake." [cheers and applause]

>> i want to go to a tea party rally. i do, i really want to go to a tea party rally. for the obvious reasons--that i'd clean up with the ladies. but i see 'em all the time on television, and they are angry. like, those are some angry, angry old people. they are. i have not seen old people that angry since the end of cocoon. they're so mad. you watch, like, the coverage, and you see them, and they're calling the president a socialist, and they're calling him a nazi, and some even have posters where they've taken a picture of the president, and drawn a little hitler moustache on him. and whenever i see that, i just want to go there with a sharpie, and just draw that out into, like, a full moustache, and give him a beard and a mohawk, and when they're like, "what are you doing?" i'll be like, "now it's a mr.t. party rally!"

yeah. "i pity the fool who doesn't have health care." i do. that's ridiculous. that's a third world problem. we're a first world country. what the [bleep]? [cheers and applause] thank you. your applause just gave everybody health care. but it's so crazy, 'cause, like, there's no reason to go and put a hitler moustache on a picture of the president. there's no reason to do that. like, the only reason to do that is if you're trying to piss off nazis. 'cause i'm sure there is nothing that pisses nazis off more than seeing their beloved leader's signature look on a biracial guy. [german accent] "what? no! that's the exact opposite

of what we were talking about!" i assume nazis just gesture like this. they're just hateful penguins. [german accent] "it doesn't make sense on obama! and it definitely doesn't make sense on michael jordan!" why is michael jordan doing hanes commercials with a hitler moustache? how does that happen? how does nobody tell him that's a bad idea? did he just dribble a basketball onto the set, and people were like, "well, you know what they say, you can't stop him; you can only hope to contain him." how does that happen? the only explanation i have for that is that michael jordan has no real friends. 'cause a real friend doesn't let that happen. a real friend--they don't let you drive drunk. a real friend-- they hold your hair back when you're throwing up. a real friend doesn't

take you to medieval times-- ben! and a real friend doesn't let you leave the house in a hitler moustache to go sell underpants to people. uh-uh, no. that's what happens to jerk-off captains in police academy movies.

>> i've started masturbating on the ground recently.

it's my way of pouring out a little for the ladies who aren't here anymore. it's all right; i can do it. i'm single, so there's nobody there to judge me. my friends--they're all starting to get into relationships and settle down, and i'm one of the fewle down, single people left. and so they've taken it upon themselves to set me up on dates, typically with the only other black person they know, which tends to be the security guard at their office building. "what? you and trachelle have so much in common. you both don't know who vampire weekend is." "she can protect you." i've tried to get them to stop. i want them to stop doing this, so i've started telling them

i'm into weird [bleep]. "oh, you don't want to set me up. i'm into weird [bleep]. i'm into, like, scat porn, and cosplay." one of my friends was like, "oh, well, you should meet maggie." "no, i shouldn't. mm-hmm. no, keep maggie the [bleep] away from me. mm-hmm. no. no, no, no, no, no, no. you know what? i'm sorry. i'm sorry. when i said 'cosplay,' i meant women that like to have sex while doing bill cosby impressions." totally different, like, [imitating bill cosby] "hey, daddy, i want you to play with my boobies. and then you pull out the puddin' pop, and za-ba-zu-ba-zu-ba-zu-ba, za-ba-zu-ba-za-ba." i... i dated a jewish girl recently, which was cool. [cheering] my [bleep] and balls are very open-minded when it comes to religion. they are. they just want to learn.

i dated a jewish girl, and she was cool, except she was really high maintenance. you know, and actually, let me just say, she was not cool. she was so... crazy. i was trying to be nice, but, no, [bleep] it-- i'm not gonna-- she was crazy. like, she was really, really high maintenance to the point that, like, no matter where we went, she would always take three or four hours to get ready, no matter where we were going, and she had this weird thing where she wouldn't eat at a restaurant that had more than two locations. so she wouldn't eat at, like, fast-food joints, but she also wouldn't eat at, like, a chili's. which--[bleep] you. that's a neighborhood restaurant. she wouldn't give [bleep] jobs. no, she wouldn't do that. she'd make her overweight friend allison do them. yeah. one day, allison and i had had enough. allison more than me.

but i was just, like, i was so sick of it, i went to her and i was just like, "what is your problem? why are you so high maintenance?" she was like, "i'm a jap." "you're a racist. what the hell do japanese people have to do with you taking three and a half god dang hours to get ready for something?" she was like, "no, stupid, jap-- jewish american princess." oh, my bad, and apparently the bad of any japanese person who's ever been offended. two jewish girls go running through a forever 21, like, "you're getting two pairs of boots? oh, my god, you're such a jap!" at the same time, though, good for the jews. seriously, good for them for taking somebody else's slur and making it their own. good for them. i'm just curious to know when they're gonna take the word "[bleep]" for themselves like they took the word "jap." 'cause they can have it, 'cause black people-- we've pretty much used the [bleep] out of it. we're calling cats "[bleep]." we're done.

we've gotten as much toothpaste out of that tube as we're going to. jewish people can have it. they can make a cute little acronym out of it, same as they did with jap. you know... nice israeli girl... great education... rich. [girl's voice] "oh, my god, you should date rachael, she's such a [bleep]!" that's our word. that's black people's word. we own it, 'cause we say "[bleep]," and everyone else says, "'n' word." which i feel sorry for every other word that starts with "n," that at some point, you know, maybe thought it was the "n" word. words like "nickel," or "nasal," or "ninja"--'cause i'm sure at some point, they all thought they were the "n" word. they thought that they were the word that starts with "n," that when you said "'n' word," someone was like, "what? oh, no, trachelle,

i know this man did not just call me a ninja. uh-uh, no. uh-uh, hold my earrings, girl. no. holds 'em. holds 'em. he wants a ninja, i will show him a ninja. uh-huh, he is about to have himself a vampire weekend." thank y'all very much. [cheers and applause] captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com (cheers and applause)

good evening, new york!! (cheers and applause continue) thank you very much. thank you for coming out. thank you so much for being here and straight away as well, let me thank you for something else. and that is i see that no one yet is filming this on their cell phones and i appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up, really. people sitting there saying, "well, i want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me." (laughter) "later would be better. later and smaller would be better for my sched." that--that technology has fundamentally changed the way we will watch news forever now because we will never not see something ever again.

(laughter) to the extent that if something happens in the world and there is not at least some kind of footage of it, deep down we're gonna start to doubt it ever actually happened in the first place. we don't engage in anything anymore. no one watches anything. they just want to make sure they record it for posterity. that seems to take the dignity out of any event, and it would have altered history if we were to behave like that. look at the crucifixion. (laughter) i promise you if this technology had been around then, all you'd have seen underneath jesus christ was people doing this. "oh, this is great. (applause) "this is fantastic stuff. "oh, wow. this is great. "double rainbow. "double-- i'm getting this. "i'm getting it. i got it. "i got it. i got it. i got it. "let me just upload this now. i've done it."

and yet, we're now so jaded by everything, so unimpressed by anything we see that even that moment, even the poetry of that moment, "my god, my god, why hast thou forsaken me?" if you were to upload that to youtube and scroll down into the comments, i promise you, the only thing you would read would be "this su-u-u-cks." "this is s-o-o-o g-a-ay." now, look, look, i think we're all aware that joke has split the room. (laughter) largely between those people going to heaven and the rest of us. so, all right. okay, point taken. let's discuss a lighter subject now-- race. (laughter) now, where-- where are we in terms of race relations? that's a difficult question to answer, isn't it? everyone has their own idea.

yet something happened to me, recently, which i think pinpoints exactly where we are. i was in d.c., and i was walking back to my hotel with two of my friends who both happen to be african-american, and i am entirely supportive of that choice. i think it's great. i've told them that. i think it's great. i think he's very brave. and they should just keep-- keep on keeping on. that's what i-- personally, i think. and then the front of the hotel, there was two glass doors, and they were both slightly ahead of me as we got there, and they both reached out and took a door and opened it, and just instinctively, i just walked straight through. (laughter) and i said to them, "wow, that felt (bleep) amazing." and they laughed and said, "yeah, i bet it did. "i bet it did. unfortunately, you were born 100 years too late." and i said, "well, not even 100 if you think about it, "come on, i mean, 50 years would have still comfortably

put me on the sweet spot." and we were having this terrible conversation. three friends laughing, having this appalling discussion as we were walking down the stairs into the hotel lobby. and at the bottom of the stairs standing on his own, having heard every single word was-- i promise you this is true-- the reverend jessie jackson. (laughter) (applause) it was like watching the entirety of black history cross over one man's face in a second. what do you say? what do you say to a man who was standing next to martin luther king when he was shot? what do you say? "does this not in a way show how far we've come, reverend? "does this not really show that all your work paid off? "this relationship here? "should you not be happy about this, reverend? "and if you are happy, do you mind telling your face?

'cause you look very angry." another incident happened, i was just-- this was just a few weeks ago here in new york. i happened to run into another friend of mine who again happens to be african-american. we started shaking hands and he wanted to move the handshake into one of those handshakes, but i don't--i don't personally like to do that, those. i don't think i can carry them off. and so i started fighting him back down into this and he started fighting even harder to bend it up and we started getting involved in this impromptu arm wrestle on the side of the street. and i realized it was like we were physically embodying the struggle of the 1950s. it was just, "please, please, i don't want to do this!" "no, the world is changing. you have to change with it." "i know, but not at this pace! please, let me do it at my own speed!" "no, you always say that, and then nothing changes!" "but it'll go too far. "you'll do the slappy thing with some flicks

and it won't resemble the handshake i grew up with!" (laughter and applause) i've always-- i've always been quite racially confused, and i know that might seem strange coming from someone quite as white as i am. no. (chuckles) i'm really white. i'm english white. that's basically turbo white. (laughter) my skin is borderline translucent. if i'm standing and the sun is behind me, i'm a functioning x-ray but i've always-- i lived in a very multicultural place growing up. i feel very creeped out whenever i'm in towns or cities that are all white people, and that's me. i feel that way. whenever i go to a town that's all white, all i can think is, what are we up to here? (laughter) what are we doing? i don't like this one bit.

even when i was a little boy, my favorite comedian was richard pryor. i had all of his albums when i was growing up. and i used to listen to them every night before i went to sleep, and consequently, i knew all of richard pryor's albums off by heart. and believe me, you have not heard the comedy of richard pryor until you have heard it secondhand through the voice of an 11-year-old white british boy. (laughter) you really haven't. you honestly haven't. (high-pitched) black people be holding they (bleep) jack. they be like, "(bleep) what it is." (normal voice) oh, no, no, no, john. no. that is not okay. the world is not ready for this. we've got a fantastic show for you coming up tonight. please stick around. we'll be right back after this! (cheers and applause)

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we'll take the 5-hour energy. smart move. 5-hour energy. hours and hours of energy. welcome back! please keep it going for the very funny rory albanese! (cheers and applause) all right. so i think i stumbled upon a solution

for some of our problems in the middle east. i was in the shower, and my best ideas come to me mid-loofah. sudsing up the chest hair. ladies. and it occurred to me that our enemies over there were small groups of fundamentalists brainwashing children, brainwashing them. they're 12-, 13-year-old kids being taught, "death to america. death to america," and that's the age. 13 is the age to get somebody. half the reason anyone in my generation smokes is 'cause at 13 we were introduced to a camel with a penis for a head. "i gotta try. i gotta try it." so all we have to do is present something to these kids that's slightly more enticing than hate, which shouldn't be too hard since they're growing up in the same town as luke skywalker. look how badly he wanted out. and he had two sunsets. (laughter) he did. so here's a new strategy. phase one--fly over the middle east,

and we drop hd tvs and nintendos. (imitates impacts) they're children. they're gonna love video games. next thing you know, they don't feel like listening to their parents so much, kinda like our kids. "achmed, it's time to train for fatwa." "in a second, dad. trying to level up on wii zelda." uh-oh, little tension, kinda like our houses. by the way, wii is like the biggest age barometer of all time. nothing says you're over 30 like pulling a hammy playing wii tennis, like, "oh, jesus." so now we got these kids kind of addicted to video games like our kids. then we hit them phase two-- the junk food phase. (imitates impacts) and i don't mean junk food, i mean the kind of stuff that adults can only eat when they're intoxicated. you know what i'm talking about? and you're like, "why don't i eat this every day?" and it's like, "i'll tell you in the morning." we've all had that night where you wake up,

kind of like a werewolf does in his cave after a rampage. "what did i do last night?" there's just animal carcasses all over the place, but for me it's like i open my eyes and i look to my left, and there's like a 7-11 hot dog wrapper. no! dear god, no! oh, my god, spaghettios with the spoon in the can! aah! i didn't even heat it. i didn't even heat it up! (laughter) the devil was in my bones last night. the devil. now you got fat video-game junkie kids, kinda like our kids. they don't want to train to be terrorists. have you ever watched the news? terrorists train on monkey bars. fat kids hate playgrounds. that's a fact. that is a wikipediable fact. then you hit them with phase three, the most obvious phase-- medical grade marijuana. (imitates impact) everywhere. just pepper the joint. you don't even need to label it. they're teenagers.

they'll figure out what to do with it. they always do. it's in their dna, you know. "i've never seen this before but something says i should carve a pipe out of an apple and smoke it." (laughter) "i'm in." now our enemy, which used to be young boys learning "death to america" are stoned, fat, video game junkies who want nothing to do with their parents, or anyone, for that matter. they're done. "achmed, it's time to blow yourself up." "(bleep) you, dad. "i don't want to blow myself up. "i know grandpa blew himself up, "and you're gonna blow yourself up, but i wanna be an artist." "no! no!" and then it's just chaos in the house. everyone screaming and yelling just like at our houses. you know, the mom's crying, but just the burqa's wet 'cause you can only see her eyes. that's not racist. it's a cultural fact.

and the kid's throwing a tantrum, he runs up to his room and like slams the straw door and puts on loud sitar music. (imitates wailing sitar) it's pandemonium! thank you, guys, very much. (cheers and applause) rory albanese! have three minutes to yourselves and let's meet back here!

(cheers and applause) welcome back to the show! you're in for a real treat now! please welcome the incredible deon cole! (cheers and applause) what's up, new york? make some noise!

how you all doin'? (cheers and applause) cool, cool, cool. so i got some jokes that i'm gonna tell you all real quick, and, uh... (laughter) (mumbling) i'm no good in a strip club. you take me to a strip club, i'm gonna mess the whole night up. 'cause i feel sorry for them women. i be trying to save them, you know? for real. like my friends took me to a strip club, and this girl came up to me, she was like, "hey, big daddy, you want a lap dance?" i was like, "yup, me and jesus." (laughter) he's everywhere. (laughter) (laughter) i went to go see this movie called "my soul to take." it was in 3-d. it was the worst movie in the world.

for real, me and this girl went to go see it, and i'm sitting there like-- we sitting here for an hour and half with these 3d glasses on, i'm like, "this supposed to be in 3-d? ain't nothing even in 3-d," and the girl i was with, she was like, "yeah, this is the worst movie ever. "ain't nothing in 3-d. "ain't nothing came in my face yet. i wish somethin' would come in my face." and i was like, hmm. i got 3-d at home." (laughter) i don't trust a black man who ain't got a mustache. (laughter) i don't. if you're a black man, you ain't got no mustache, don't say nothing to me, you creepy. it's something weird. for real, man. you gotta have a mustache, like white guys, y'all cool when y'all cut y'all mustaches off, but black dudes, they don't look right. it's something wrong, you know? i did a commercial with rajon rondo who play for the boston celtics, you know what i'm talking about?

i did a commercial with him, and soon as he came into the room he was like, "deon, you're funny as hell," i was like, "where the (bleep) is your 'stash at?" (laughter) "tell me how funny i am. where's your 'stash, boy?" (laughter) i don't trust nobody who wear all white neither. you ever see these people? they come out of their house, all-white jacket, all-white shirt, all-white belt, pants, shoes, socks-- who do you think you are that you not gonna get dirty today, huh? (laughter) you that responsible today that you ain't gonna lean on nothing and get dirty? i ought to kick you in your back and send you home. (laughter) (laughter and applause) when i moved out to l.a., they told me i had to work out, and i was like, "i don't want to do that," and they gave me this trainer, and the dude was like, "yeah, you gotta work out, you gotta work on your tri's

"and bi's and all that. "the most important thing-- you can't eat late at night or you'll get fat." and i'm like, "forget that. you supposed to eat late at night." he was like, "no, you not." i'm like, "but why did they put a light in the refrigerator?" (laughter) too smart for them chumps. and there's a lot of women out in l.a., man, they got phony breasts. i mean, that's cool but, you know, i ain't that kind of guy. if i'm making love to a woman, she's got phony breasts, and they sitting there like two stiff-ass rocks, i don't like that. i like that plane-propeller effect. you know what i'm saying, fellas? you know, you going off, and they're swinging around like that. trying to hit her in the head with 'em. (laughter) i like to do it real fast by the window so i could save my gas money, she fly home. (laughter)

"call me." okay, cool. another thing being in l.a., it's a lot of porn stars out there too, you know, it is. and they come to my shows a lot. there's this one porn star, he go by the name of wesley pipes. (laughter) he be wrecking women, too, man. he be going off. but it be so funny 'cause when he has sex with them, he be talking cash (bleep). but the stuff he'd be saying be so funny you can't even jack off right 'cause you be too busy laughing at what he be saying. like, he was hitting this one girl one time, he was like, "yeah, you like all that thang, in there? "huh? take all that thang in there. "i know you like all that thang in there, don't you? "take all that thang in there. "make that thang disappear. "oh, what you doing with my thang girl? where my thang at?" i'm at home, like, "who talks like this? i ain't never saying nothing like that. i kinda like that, though. i think i'm gonna start talking like that."

i ran into him on hollywood boulevard. i didn't even know it was him. i just bumped into him. i was like, "excuse me," and i looked, and i was like, "(gasps) wesley pipes?" what was weird was he knew me. he was like, "dude, you a comedian, ain't you?" he was like, "you funny as hell. i got you on tape." i was like, "i got you on tape, too." (laughter and applause) shook his hand. his hand was wet as hell. i was like, "i hope he ain't just get off work." usually a comedian leave on a real big joke at the end where they go, "huh-huh-huh. hah! good night!" and everybody be like, "haaa!" i'm just gonna go. (laughter) (cheers and applause) thank you, new york! dean cole, ladies and gentlemen! please stick around.

we'll be right back after this!

all this walking i've been another gredoing is about that it's given me time to reflect on some of life's biggest questions. like, if you could save hundreds on car insurance by making one simple call, why wouldn't you make that call? see, the only thing i can think of is that you can't get any... bars. ah, that's better. it's a beautiful view. i wonder if i can see mt. rushmore from here. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.

welcome back to the show! and please welcome the wonderful tommy johnagin! (cheers and applause) thank you very much. thank you. it's good to be here. i guess that's obvious. (light laughter) i got high for the first and last time ever this-- (audience member claps) all right. perfect. thank you. like he works on commission or something. i was like, "yeah, they bought it from me.

i get 3% of that." it's the last time also. don't get cocky over there. i'm not gonna hang out with you, if that's what you wanted. (laughter) i had never done it. i was with a girl. she had never done it. so i said let's do it. let's do it. i'm gonna get some pot. we're gonna do some pot. we're gonna get high on pot. (laughter) she goes, "we're not gonna get any if you say it like that. i feel like you're a cop right now." i have a friend who has a medical marijuana card, which means he can legally acquire marijuana and illegally give it to me in a chipotle parking lot. (laughter) which is what we did. he got us two rice krispies treats with weed in 'em or weed treats with rice krispies on 'em. i'm not sure how they list the ingredients. she said, "we should probably only eat half," and i said, "you're right. but let's eat them all and see what happens." and--'cause i knew what's going to happen. she's a smaller person. it's gonna hit her first.

i'm gonna get to watch while it happens-- she's the ghost of marijuana future. i can just observe. she starts licking her lips and smack-- and licking most of her face. let's be honest. and then she goes, "i don't think it's hit me yet." "well, i hope it has because if you do that normally, i'm leaving." (laughter) then she started laughing. obviously, i knew that was coming. i've seen after-school specials. i know laughter happens. i can't wait to laugh. i'm looking forward to it. then i start laughing, she started crying hysterically. but i could not stop laughing. (laughter) i didn't like it. i didn't like it. at one point, i forgot how to breathe. did you know-- did you know you could do that? i had to say aloud, "breathe in!" and then i only breathed in. (laughter)

so i said, "we're not good. we're not good at being high. you suck at it. i suck at it. let's go to sleep." drugs can't get you in your sleep. (laughter) that's when i learned if you just make something up, it's not true. (laughter) i can stick to drinking 'cause i know the levels. i know how much you're supposed to drink. i have a little sister, great person, no idea what her levels are. she drank so much last year, she was reported missing. i swear to god. she's all right now. that would be weird if i was like, "and if you've seen her..." (laughter) "e-mail me or whatever. i've got her phone charger." she went home with a guy. that's what happened. that's the truth. her phone died, and she went home with a guy. that's what you do when you're in your 20s and 30s and 40s if you're good at it. she went home with a guy, but my mom panicked 'cause she hadn't heard from her in hours and she called the cops, and the cops were looking

for my sister, and they started questioning people and they find out where she was. they don't just drop the case right then. it's 4:00 in the morning. they go to the guy's house, and knock on the door, and they're like, "do you know where she's at?" and he's like, "yeah, she's right here." then they take her and put her in the cop car, and they leave, and she was all right. that's the good news. the even better news is that i've had a few one-night stands in my day, and i remember waking up thinking, "how am i gonna get this broad outta my house?" (laughter) the cops will do that for you? if you play your cards right, your tax dollars will take care of it. can you imagine how fast he went from confused to happy? he's like, "you can't barge-- you're cool. that's cool. all right, all right."

my sister has two kids, and they're awesome, and she's good with them, and that's pretty exciting. i don't have any kids yet. i don't know when i'm supposed to have them. i don't think i'm ready. i accidentally threw a kid into a ceiling one time. i swear the god. it was pure accident. i wasn't like, "i can hit that," and dipped his head in blue chalk like a quarterback competition. i was throwing him up in the air, and i was catching him, you know why? because babies are dumb and they love it. i don't even care. maybe they're not dumb. i would love it. if someone here could do it to me tonight, i would let you. (laughter an applause) so i'm throwing him up in the air, and i'm catching him and it's going great for both of us.

until i walk from the kitchen to the hallway, which meant i went from a 14-foot ceiling to a 7-foot ceiling but i threw him at a 14-foot rate of speed. (laughter) i've never met most of you, but i'm going to assume that you have no idea what it sounds like when baby meets ceiling. it's a dull noise. we hit a stud or a floor joist, something-- he's probably 2 inches shorter, can't see red or taste pepperoni. just awful. and he started crying, and i felt bad. i was like, "hey, baby... that's on me, you know? that was my bad." and then i put him down and walked away before any other adults saw what happened. i'm not going down for this one, baby. i wouldn't have said what happened if he had actually stuck in the ceiling just dangling there with his giant head jammed in between insulation and sheetrock. i'd have been like, "he--he can jump!

"we need heavier baby shoes. vote for me for heavier baby shoes." i don't know who i'm gonna make a baby with. i'm trying to find the right woman. women. i don't care. i know what i'm attracted to. it's a long list. one thing i'm attracted-- i like a girl with a tattoo. i found that out. (audience member hoots) a sexy tattoo, it has to be a sexy one. don't get cocky. i don't need a teardrop where you stabbed a girl in the joint or something. put a little thought into it. you know what i mean? don't have your kids footprints from when he was 12 or something. (laughter) i ended up with a girl who had a bunch of tattoos one night. covered in 'em. they were all nice. i liked them. one of them in her ribcage. she had a tattoo of a zipper from the top to the bottom. i said, "hey, what's that zipper all about? why do you got a zipper tattoo for?" she said, "'zipper' was mine and my ex-boyfriend's "safe word in bed. "we'd yell out 'zipper' when things got out of hand so no one got hurt." "oh, i didn't even know you could get hurt. "that's interesting.

i've been doing it wrong this whole time." we started rompin' around. about a minute into it, she bit me on my shoulder hard with all of her-- just a big-- "zipper! zipper!" i tried to blow in her nose 'cause that works with dogs. (laughter and applause) stop that. she choked me. she choked me, and i'm not here to judge you. i didn't fly out to new york and have my pants steamed to judge you people. i don't care if you choke or not. it was my first time. the only thing i would like-- how about a little pre-choke warning? a little bit of, "hey, if you enjoy what's happening, i'm gonna take my hand, cut off your oxygen supply." that was a luxury i was not awarded. she caught me on an exhale. i thought i was gonna die. she choked a noise out of me. a noise that you could hear came-- i didn't even know it was in me.

and it wasn't a sex noise. if you're trying to think of it, don't think of sex noises. no one heard the noise and was like, "that's sex. i can tell." if anyone heard it, they were like, "call a veterinarian!" (laughter) "something's stuck up in the crawlspace, "and it's in labor. "i can tell. and it's breech. it's a breech big-headed, labor baby." (laughter) that's it for me. thank you, guys, very much! (cheers and applause) thank you so much. tommy johnagin, ladies and gentlemen! tommy johnagin! we'll be right back after this!

(cheers and applause) welcome back! this is going to be fantastic! please welcome david koechner! (cheers and applause) hello! thank you. folks, i want to tell you about the show tonight, the show that i'm gonna put on. a couple of things always happen invariably

when i do a show, a live show-- i don't know why, but they do happen. one is a knife fight. no one's gonna be hurt, but it's gonna be a harrowing experience for those that are involved. secondly, half of this audience is gonna walk out without any pants on. don't know why. don't know how. it just happens. it just happens. four days ago, my wife and i had our fifth child. (cheers and applause) thank you. thank you. five. five kids. don't know why we did it. (laughter) we realized maybe we shouldn't have, and that's why i'm gonna tell you tonight, that baby is for sale. by being here tonight at this show, you have an exclusive opportunity to buy my baby. it is a beautiful little girl. her name is eve. i want to start the bid-- i'm gonna start the bidding at $100000, $100000. what am i bid? what is my bid? 4 day old. 4 day old. what am i bid? just get your hands in the air. what am i bid? there's one bid. $100,000.

now 150. now, 150. wow, this is going better than i'd hoped. (laughter) 4 days old. eyes are blue. black hair. subject to change. right now, that baby does not walk or talk. language up to the discretion of the purchaser. (laughter) it's expensive to raise kids, right? lot of money. school, food they eat every day. three times a day, sometimes more. clothes. it's illegal to send them out there naked. money. college, maybe, right? weddings, maybe? yeah. my kids are good-looking. (laughter) you can see it. i don't know what you're laughing at. you can see it. that's why in my family, we encourage bad grades, c's and d's. you failed a test? good for you. get a bowl of ice cream. your kids--i love them. sometimes they miss me. i was on the road a lot this summer. came back--our twins are four years old, it's a boy and a girl, and we're playing candyland.

and let me refresh you on the rules of candyland. the youngest goes first-- yeah. yeah, huh? anyway, youngest goes first and then the next, so the three of us are playing it, but my son did not want my daughter, who's younger, to go first. he wanted to go first followed by me and not her to play at all. they're four. and so at one point, he raises his hand like this, "son, son, son, son. stop it," and so he ran to his room. he was upset. we played candyland, my daughter and i. then i noticed it was extremely quiet in my son's room. which means something bad is happening or something bad has happened. so i go in his room and it's summertime so i'm not wearing any shoes, i walk in there, and the rug is wet. and i said, "son, why is the rug wet?" and he said, "mr. business peed." mr. business is our dog. and i can't tell you the story of how it's his name.

we'll get to that some other day, but it's a good one. anyway, i said, "that's a lot of pee, son. i don't think mr. business did that." he goes, "okay, i did it." i said, "were you upset about candyland?" "yes." "you upset because dad's been gone so much?" "yes." "and did you do that because you miss daddy?" he said, "yes." i said, "i miss you, too." and i unzipped my pants and i made a puddle twice the size of his. (laughter) good night. i'm david koechner. thank you very much! (cheers and applause) david koechner, ladies and gentlemen! please show your appreciation for all the acts that you've seen this evening! (cheers and applause) and consider joining us next time. good night!

>> you can't rap. i can scrap. [beep] [applause]

♪ ♪ . >> black-saw jim duggan out of nowhere. i bet black-saw jim duggan would say yo instead of ho. >> oh, come on. there's nothing funny about racial humor. welcome to tosh.0. tonight, cole haan lunar band chukkas. they don't look sick enough for you? why don't you tell that to me feet? because they're very comfortable. tonight on the show, this prankster gets web redemption. we have a frank discussion about my body. now let's go back to the hood where every day is like the source awards. >> stop right there.