her cup of coffee? how long is this one going to last? forty-five minutes? an hour? well... listen. 5-hour energy lasts a whole lot of hours. take one in the afternoon, and you'll feel alert and energized 'til the cows come home. it's packed with b-vitamins and nutrients to make it last. so what's it going to be, partner? 5-hour energy. wise choice. 5-hour energy. hours and hours of energy. >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> owz on the main road there were some hiccups.

american hurdler was stuck on a bus that got lost for four captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight! is this summer's heat affecting us? i'll try to tell you before i pass out. [ laughter ] then nasa's planned mission to mars. after budget cuts, they now plan to rent "mission to mars." [ laughter ] and my guest james fallows has written a book about the chinese aerospace industry. which is actually our aerospace industry with misspelled subtitles. [ laughter ] a london newspaper says the olympics will open with 30 mary poppinses fighting a 40-foot voldemort. again???? [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing]

[cheers and applause] whoo! welcome to the show, everybody. thank you for joining us. please [crowd chanting stephen's name] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please, please, have a seat, everybody. thank you for join us. [cheers and applause] nation, welcome to the show. nation, i have to address a story right off the bean that i know my viewers will be very concerned about. i'm talking about a recent study at ohio state university which found that watching late night tv can cause depression. [ laughter ] except for conan -- which causes polio. [ laughter ] shame on you, conan. [ laughter ] researchers came to this conclusion by exposing hamsters

to dim light at night and picking up changes in the brain that bore striking similarities to symptoms in depressed people. well done. [ laughter ] instead of having people watch late-night tv, then simply asking them if they're depressed, scientists exposed. hamsters to a dim light and guessed how the hamsters felt. you know, science. [ laughter ] well, however they did it, it's clear that they're on to me. there's no use trying to cover it up anymore. nation, this show was designed to depress hamsters. [ laughter ] cat's out of the bag. that's why i created my long-running segments "elusive water bottle," "that wheel is getting you nowhere," and "this week in dim light." [ laughter ] sure, i enjoy bringing you humans my opinions on politics and world affairs, but my real passion has always been driving hamsters to suicide.

[ laughter ] so for my human viewers, rest assured my show is not designed to depress you and you can feel free to keep watching. and to my hamster viewers, you can go ahead and turn off the tv. what's that? you can't because you live in a glass prison filled with wood chips and your own filth with no hope of escape? [ laughter ] oh well. [ laughter ] nation, this is america's hottest summer on record, according to climatologists and your historic case of swamp ass. [ laughter ] for more on the heat wave, we go to colbert report senior meteorologist, stormy nimbus, live via satellite in kansas. stormy? [screaming] great report, stormy. stay hydrated.

[ laughter ] last week, the national climatic data center reported that this scorcher has caused a drought that rivals those of the 1930's dust bowl. for those who aren't familiar, the dust bowl was like. john steinbeck's "the grapes of wrath" -- only less dry and easier to get through. [ laughter ] evidently -- evidently, folks, can i not know. this evidently, an arid hellscape is not optimal for agriculture. for more, we turn to another barren wasteland: cable news. >> the u.s. department of agriculture has named 1,000 counties in 26 states, natural disaster areas due to a savage drought that has been destroying crops for farmers around the country. >> the drought is especially hard on livestock, many ranchers having to sell off their herds early. >> crops are wilting and the ground baking and farmers, they are praying for rain. >> stephen: yes, farmers are praying for rain. but god can't hear them, because he just installed a window unit.

[ laughter ] of course, the obvious answer is that farmers should switch to a crop that can withstand the heat. grow sun dried tomatoes or raisins. [ laughter ] but last week, i saw something that chilled me to the bone. which was refreshing, but still terrifying. according to the "usa today" this drought could drive up dairy prices, and quote "you'll see less cheese on pizzas and in salad bars." nation, this (bleep) just got real! [ laughter ] it's one thing for global warming to make the sea levels rise, but nobody told me it could make my cheese levels recede! [ laughter ] uh-uh. uh-uh. this drought is a massive story, and we at the report will

continue to cover it. like right now, with my guest, live via satellite, professor of agricultural economics at iowa state university, bruce babcock. dr. babcock thank you so much for joining me. >> nice to be with you. >> stephen: mr. babcock is it hot enough for you? >> it's very hot in iowa right now. it's up to 98 to 100 for almost the last two weeks. >> stephen: iowa that's corn country. what -- how is the crop doing this year? >> it's dying right now. i've been riding my bike through a bunch of corn fields in iowa and the crop looks like it's a disaster. >> stephen: when you say disaster and that's it is dying, how much of the corn crop will be affected by the drought? >> almost all the crop is going to be affected because rainfall didn't occur really much of any place in iowa or at illinois and add indiana to that. >> stephen: all is a large

percentage of the crop s. that going to affect me? i don't enjoy like eating corn on the cobb. is that going to affect my life? i'm more of a, you know, soda pop and corn chips guy. >> you won't need to worry about sodie pop and corn chips or corn on the cobb. when you need to worry about is eggs, chickens, dairy products, the mozzarella cheese on your pizza, your beef and your pork. >> stephen: mr. babcock -- that's when you see the effects of corn. >> jon: i don't know how to break this to you but eggs are made of egg. they are not made of corn. how is the corn going to effect my eggs? >> eggs are 70% corn. you feed the chickens heavy ration of corn, out comes an egg so there's a heavy concentration of corn in that egg. when the price of corn goes up, the cost of producing the egg

goes up immediately. you'll see an increase in the price of eggs. >> stephen: can i eat chickens? >> it's the same as eggs. you feed -- >> stephen: not the same. egg comes first, sir, before chicken. i don't know -- not to blow the lid off the birds and the bees right now. what if i eat beef or pork that's not corn? >> it's all corn. american livestock are fed corn-heavy diet. pork prices will go up and beef prices will go up because of this drought. >> stephen: how much of crop goes to ethanol? >> 35% to 40% of the crop goes to ethanol. >> stephen: am i going have to fight my audi for lunch? >> there's a fight between ethanol plant and livestock producers about who gets that corn. >> stephen: what happens if the crop is completely wiped

out? do the farmers have protection? >> 90% of iowa farmers have crop insurance. it's a federal program that -- >> stephen: wait, wait, wait, a federal insurance program? that is just obama care for our corn. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> well, in essence, you are right. it's obamacare for the corn. >> stephen: so that means eventually all the farmers will be facing death panels. >> they hope it rains and next year they hope they keep the high prices and it rains again. farmers are usually looking on bright side of things. >> stephen: is this the worst drought of our lifetime? >> depends how long are you. 1930's -- >> stephen: i'm 27. [ laughter ] bruce babcock, everybody. mr. babcock, thank you for joining us. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. thank you so much. please. folks -- [cheers and applause] -- the communist threat grows everyday. did you know that more than half our states are red? this is cold war update! [cheers and applause] ♪ folks, north korea is as dangerous as ever. they have a nuclear bomb, and they are this close to inventing food. [ laughter ] now there's a new reason to fear our far east rival.

>> a new day, a new mystery out of north korea. an unidentified woman joined leader kim jong-un sunday at a ceremony honoring his late grandfather, the country's founder. a lot of questions. is she his wife? his sister? his girlfriend? no one knows. >> stephen: the prevailing theory is that she is hyon song-wol, who i don't have to tell you is the former lead singer of po-chon-bo electronic ensemble. [ laughter ] there's the cute one, the quiet one, the smart one, and the one forced into a relationship with a dictator. [ laughter ] we all remember their 2005 smash hit "excellent horse-like lady." jimmy, hit me with some excellent horse-like music! ♪ [audience clapping along]

she's got 99 problems, but finding spools of nylon to make bolts of cloth for the dear leader ain't one. [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] the danger is north korea has now developed celebrity couple technology! [ laughter ] america has always been the superpower of celebrity couples. but now we've lost tomkat. we're down to brangelina and filliam h. muffman. [ laughter ] how long before kim jong-un and hyon song-wol become k'jongsongwol - un? [ laughter ] that's catchy. so i'm calling on the newly available katie holmes to take one for the team-- break those two up and form the power couple kimkat. [ laughter ] katie, i think you'll find him more stable than your ex. [ laughter ] next up, on the cwu, as a kid, i was obsessed with america's

space race with the russkies. while other kids were playing stick ball, i was trying to catapult frozen chimps into space. but america doesn't have a manned space program anymore. we have to hitch a ride with those clowns over at astrograd and their potato-fueled bottle-rockets. my one comfort is that we're going to mars in 2030. but, now i hear nasa is planning to feed their mars astronauts a vegan menu. what? did neil armstrong not say, "one small step for ham, one giant beef for mankind." he didn't? well, he should have. [ laughter ] nasa, don't do this to our heroes. god help whoever has to spend three years crammed in a tiny pod with a vegan. [ laughter ] in space no one can hear you scream, but after three years of lentils and soy cheese, they're

gonna hear you doing something else. [ laughter ] now, the rocket scientists over at nasa, by which i mean the rocket scientists, claim the three-year mission can't carry any dairy or meat products because "it isn't possible to preserve those products long enough." oh really? have you met my friend slim jim? [ laughter ] i believe flaming re-entry is part of the manufacturing process. [ laughter ] well, at least nasa has its priorities straight. the mars mission is 18 years away and they've nailed down the menu. checking off the to-do list, they just haven't gotten to "build spaceship." we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an award-winning journalist whose written a new book about china's entrance into the airline industry. first class is nice, but coach has to build the plane. please welcome james fallows! [cheers and applause] hey, thanks so much for coming on. thanks for come begun back. >> thank you. >> stephen: you are an author ache national correspondent for the atlantic and your new book is called "china airborne." should i be threatened by this. every time china gets into an industry they are incredibly efficient about this and labor is cheap. should we be worried in america that they are getting into ayer

space? >> i think you should be interested. >> stephen: the chinese said may you live in interesting times. >> the question you raise is one they ask themselves. the reason they are pushing so hard in this field, the reason i wrote the book is to tell the story of china i've seen. they are trying so hard because they do it as a test case as a maturity as a country and willing to be a first rate player as the u.s. is. >> stephen: four years ago b this time of year they were hosting the olympics. >> wither we were there. >> stephen: okay. everyone is talking about the chinese moment. this is the chinese moment entering on to the world stage. obviously it was a fantastic spectacle that terrified me to the core. [ laughter ] did the slowing down of the economy stop the chinese moment or are they still roll something in. >> they rolled after that moment. i said i wish they didn't broadcast it outside china.

it was good outside the country but for the rest of the world it gave this entirely unrealistic impression of a completely successful coordinated country which is not the way it seems when you are there. >> stephen: my understanding is there are 20,000 people playing drums together. >> they are all army members dressed up as scholars or whatever. most people in beijing said my god they pulled it off. everything else. we went to seat crew race at the olympics the next day. they hadn't planned out for the route of bicycle race s crossing the bus route. you took two hours of waiting for the bicycle race to pass. >> stephen: let's talk about chinese -- are there chinese airlines or chinese airplane manufacturing that exists now? >> there are lots of airlines now. they are growing like crazy and trying very hard to get to the aircraft business. they have their so called aircrafts. they bought an american experimental maker. they bought a plane about a year

ago. >> stephen: you don't have to brag you own a plane, okay. i don't want to talk about my audi again. >> it's a china-made plane though. >> stephen: chinese-made plane. what is is flying in china like? >> more pleasant than the u.s. the flying is all new. there's hot feels, the flight attendants are recently hired, basically in their 20s and there's no problem for hiring for physical al stractiveness and the airplanes are young, too. >> stephen: young superhot serving a hot meal. what about the whole taking off, landing part. i understand you have priorities. >> i describe in the book how american f.a.a. people and pilots have trained the chinese pie will thes so it's gone from one of most dangerous to one of safest. it's safer to fly in china than the u.s. there's delays but for different reasons.

the military controls all the air space in condition china. that's one of big tensions between business people in military in china to loosen that up. >> stephen: can you smoke on the airlines in china or is the air so thick you couldn't tell? >> that's often a question. they discourage it. something said something that surprised me which is chinese people don't like rules. you see it on an airplane. the instant the wheels touch the tarmac, everybody runs to the plane. the flight attendants flight ate getting out of the way to avoid the stampede. i have pictures of it. >> stephen: i think we should adopt that here. >> it does speed up entry. >> stephen: what about airports and that sort of thing? do they have airports with food courts? do they have panda express? [ laughter ] >> no. they have chinese food. they have new airports. building 100 new ones right now. >> stephen: 100 new airports

sox they figure in time traffic will catch up. they have a billion plus people that want to travel. they have new airports. keep your shoes on through security line. keep your belt on sometimes don't check your i.d. the travel experience has not caught up with ours in all ways. >> stephen: is there anyway to stop the chinese and should we stop them? we're the global leader in everything and i fear the emergence of a competitor. >> this is actually the industry in which the u.s. has its largest export surplus. the company boeing is the biggest exporter. it's something to be concerned about. my argument here is if china were to succeed it would actually become a easier china to deal with. the authoritarianism that allowed them to succeed won't allow them to succeed in this way. that's my case. >> stephen: last question: do they have honey roast peanut

technology? >> not that i've seen. >> stephen: then we're still aahead. thank you so much. james fallows, "china airborne," we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

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