s ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night, 11:00, zach galifanakis, will ferrell.

they'll be here talkin talking t their new economics book. here it is, your moment of zen. >> if you've got a business. you didn't build that. >> watch it! hole captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )

>> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: folks, you are an emotional defibrilator. nation, i know he's been in office for a few years now, but barack obama just doesn't seem american to me. ( laughter ). and you know what? mitt romney agrees with me. >> his whole philosophy is an upside down philosophy that does not comport with the american

experience. it's a very strange and in some respects foreign to the american experience type of philosophy. >> stephen: yeah, he just-- he just seems foreign. and i couldn't figure out why, you know. maybe it was his weird middle name or his foreign dad or the fact that obama has a different... you know... ( laughter ) way of moving his hand in front of his face. but now, thanks to the romney campaign, i think i've figured it out. you see, today, mitt is embarking on a worldwide tour of three countries. he packed his bags, got his shots, and strapped his dog to the roof of his jet. ( applause ) now, mitt's first stop is london to solvage america's special connection with the english people. as a romney aide told london's

"telegraph," the white house didn't fully appreciate the shared history we have because we are part of an anglo-saxon heritage, and romney feels that the special relationship is special. ( laughter ) well said. i would go further and argue that the special relationship is also a relationship. ( laughter ) now, of course, folks, of course, the media gotcha-razzi are saying that anglo-saxon is some sort of racial code word as in white anglo-saxon protestants, okay. but mitt's campaign isn't saying he's a wasp. they never said white or protestant. they're just saying that he's an ass. a big one. this is important, folks. but i don't think this goes far enough.

i mean, we must acknowledge not only our common anglo-saxon heritage but what about our shared battle of hastings heritage when our shared french norman heritage conquered our shared anglo-saxon her teg by shooting an arrow through our shared king harold's eye. obama didn't get that. and, hey, i don't see race but i see sixth norman germanic tribal association. i don't even see my own race. people tell me i'm a celt and i believe them. meanwhile, meanwhile, folks, when it comes to the anglo-saxon experience, romney not only walks the walk. he talks the talk. just listen to his latest stump

speech. >> thank you, and god bless america. >> stephen: ferthu hal, romney, ferthu hal. of course, for more evidence that obama doesn't get america, look no further than his new ad attacking success. >> governor romney's plan would cut taxes for the folks at the very top. i believe the only way to create an economy built to last is to strengthen the middle class, asking the wealth tow pay a little more so we can pay down our debt in a balanced way. >> stephen: oh, you want to ask the wealthy to pay a little more. it never hurts to ask. let me just see what's in my checkbook. no! ( applause ) this ad is just a desperate

attempt to walk back obama's blunder from two weeks ago where he let slip his true vision for this country. >> if you were successful, somebody along the line gave you? help. somebody invested in roads and bridges. if you've got a business, that-- you didn't build that. >> stephen: that is offensive! i don't want a president who thinks a leg up comes from the government. i want a president who knows a leg up comes from his dad. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and listen to mitt hammer obama on the campaign trail. >> the idea to say that steve jobs didn't build apple, that henry ford didn't build ford motor, that-- that-- that papa john didn't build papa john pizza is insulting to every entrepreneur, every innovator in america. >> stephen: i don't know which is more insulting that obama is saying papa john didn't create his business or that

someone is calling this pizza. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, folks, no surprise, no surprise, folks. obama was defended by some far-left kooks, like mitt romney. >> i know that you recognize a lot of people helped you? a business-- perhaps the banks, the investors. there's no question your mom, your dad, your school teachers, the people that provide roads the fire, the police. a lot of people help. >> stephen: hey, mitt, i know you're the one that's running but can i give you a little hint? if your entire stump speech, your entire campaign is based on something the other guy said, whenever possible try not to agree with him because success never comes from other people. take me. i built this show out of nothing. i gave it my blood, sweat, and tears, and a stool sample. ( laughter ) viacom has a very strict drug testing program.

i sacrifice, i suffered, but i grew a thick skin and became a tough-as-nails shark who is stopped by nothing and no one! so when you say i got help, it hurts my feelings. ( laughter ). the only accomplishment i value or the ones i produce entirely by myself. that's why i'm not that crazy about my children. ( laughter ) but now-- but now, now i am being told that my peabodys and my emmies are somehow the work of not just me but also my 100 employees working together through brutal hours to make 161 episodes a year with a common goal. it just makes them so meaningless. ( laughter ) well, i'm going to prove-- i am going to prove that i do not need anyone's help.

first, i did not come here today by public road. i flew here in a hot air balloon which i fanned toward manhattan so i don't have to share credit with the wind. and, folks, i am going to do the rest of should show alone, okay, using this desk lamp and my iphone, okay. crew, crew, you're on break permanently. amhave a you credit vampires! get out of here! there we go. put that up there. jimmy, shut it down and hilt the road. >> you got it. >> stephen: okay, here-- here we go. ha! ha! me! me! ( applause ) there we go. how's that? yeah, there we go. yeah, there we go.

ha-ha! i'm free! stephen colbert is flying solo, and commando. nation, barack obama continues to attack american success, but there's a way to fight back, and it brings us to tonight's word ( cheers and applause ) one-man show. ( laughter ) okay, now, now-- ( applause ) folks, i've always said relying on other people is overrated. ( applause ) ( laughter )

( applause ). >> stephen: the point is, anyone, anyone who accepts help from others for anything is nothing but a parasite. >> don't worry, stephen, i know the heimlich. ( laughter ) ( applause )

we'll be right back. going to need today?

three...four cups? [dumbfounded] well, we... doesn't last long does it?

listen. 5-hour energy lasts a whole lot of hours. so you can get a lot done without refills. it's packed with b-vitamins and nutrients to make it last. so don't just stand there holding your lattes, boys. make your move. we'll take the 5-hour energy. smart move. 5-hour energy. hours and hours of energy. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back,

everybody. thank you so much. now, folks for those of you who were with us in the a block, i have rehired my entire staff for reasons that are not important. let's never speak of it again, never happened. what didn't? exactly. i've got more important things to think about, like bedside tables. all the best hotels have them, good place for a lamp, maybe a phone, or in the drawer they have a bible from the good folks at gideon. that's why i was so disturbed to hear this story. >> if you book a reservation at the hotel in england, don't expect to have a copy of the bible waiting for you. instead the hotel's owner has replaced it with none other than the bestselling book, "50 shades of gray." >> stephen: that's right, that's right, folks, they have replaced the book of job with the book of rim job.

yeah, yeah, why not? who needs a bible? i mean, you're all alone in a hotel room. you have a panic attack in the middle of the night, wondering what any of this means. what you need is a 500-page book about an inexperienced 22-year-old getting worked over good by a sociopathic businessman with a sanswer, onk like a kielbasa. where else are you going to find that kind of thing in a hotel room. folks, i don't get this. what is the point of traveling if you can't sit in your hotel room and read a bible? it's the only reason i go anywhere. just look at my slides from my latest trip around the world. here's me in rome, egypt, and mount everest. ( applause ) and dig this, if you can dig it, daddy-o. if you're hope enough to dig what i'm laying down. and the hotel owner's reason for the book swap? "tonight millions of women will

be curling up in bed with a good book, and you can bet your life it won't be the bible." oh, really? if you're looking for a steamy read, the bible's your book. it's got strong, dom neither patriarchs ordering women to perform some truly freaky acts. i mean, there's centuries of bondage in here. and the sex-- we're talking hot slaves, orangey, incest, three-ways, goat-ways, " why a-ways. hot stuff. jimmy, jimmy, i'll tell you what, let's give these lucky ladies a little taste. ( laughter ) ( cheers ) yet she multiplied her whoredom, wherein she had played the harlet in the land of egypt, for

she doted upon her parmors whose flesh is as the flesh of asses and whose issue is like the issue of horses. oh, giddy-up. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and behold, i am against thee. and i will discover thy skirts upon thy face, and i will show thy nation thy nakedness and i will cafta, abomb niinable filth upon these. and the lord said, it was good. ( laughter ) ( applause ). anyway, point is, there is a ton, ton more of stuff like that in here. so if you're looking for exciting stuff, don't get "a" bestseller. get "" bestseller. if you're going to read it in

public you might want to do it on a kindle so nobody thinks you're a perv. we'll be right back.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the president of the brady campaign to prevent gun violence. which i assume means he supports knife violence. for shame! please welcome dan gross. ( cheers and applause )

mr. gross, thanks so much for coming on. all right, circ let's not beat around the bush here. you and i are on opposite sides of an issue here. following the tragic events of last week, and you your organization are politicizing this tragedy in order to try to get laws on our books that curtail the constitutional rights of americans. >> we are trying-- we are trying to get laws on the books that will save lives. that's the only thing that we're talking about here. and i -- >> stephen: if guns are outlawed, only outof outlaws have guns? >> i've read that bumper sticker and it couldn't be any less true. there are policies we can pass that will save lives, like universal background sets, like assault weapons mans that can prevent tragedies in roar, colorado, and tragedies that happen every day in our country. >> stephen: aren't you guys politicizing this, isn't it more appropriate-- hear me out-- isn't it more appropriate to have a moment of silence about

guns and just continue that moment of silence until there's another tragedy like thank you? and then we have another moment of silence after that. isn't that more respectful? >> it is appropriate to have respectful moment of silence after a tragedy happens. it would also be appropriate to have a respectful moment of silence for the 32 people that are murdered every day by guns in our country. you know, there were 12 -- >> stephen: but those 32 don't get this kind of coverage. >> right. >> stephen: if a tree gets shot in the woods and-- and let's say it was-- i don't know-- like a very dark chestnut, and the press decides not to cover that particular tragedy, is the crisis ongoing, or only when it is something that is so horrific and so assaulting like this? >> right, the real horror of gun violence isn't necessarily what makes the front page. this was a horrific event in aurora, colorado. but the reality that same day there were more than twice that number of people killed all

across america and there are things we can do to prevent those deaths and things our elected officials right up to the presidential candidates refuse to acknowledge. >> stephen: right, because obama's not doing it either. don't blame romney. >> i'm not. this is a nonpartisan issue and it's shameful in a nonpartisan way. the moment of silence we've had, the extent to which we've carried on is shameful. >> stephen: you have a web site. what's it called. >> we are better than this.org. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what do you want-- what do you want people to do with the web site? is that where people go to turb in their guns and say it's okay i don't need my second amendment. >> i want to clarify something. we don't want to take anybody's guns away. >> stephen: you will wait for obama's second term. >> the supreme court eulogy said there's a second amendment right to bear arms but that right can be regulated in order to protect

public safety. and that's all that we're trying to do. what we're trying to do -- >> stephen: a total lefty. you heard about their decision on obama-care, right? >> i don't even know how to argue with that one. >> stephen: admit i'm right and move on. >> let's do that if it means we have more of an opportunity to save lives. >> stephen: aren't there laws -- i was watching my good friend bill o'reilly last night, and he had jason chafeis on, a friend of the show. chafeis was pointing out there are already laws on the books. >> and bill o'reilly was arguing with him. >> stephen: bill can be wrong. >> bill o'reilly was actually talking about how there should be opportunities within the second amendment to-- to prevent gun deaths from happening. and that was the conversation that he wanted to have last night. that's the conversation that i want to have. that's the conversation that we want to have on we said arebetterthanthis.orgo. >> stephen: name the one law. we have background checks right now. >> i'll give you background

checks. yes, background checks is a federal law thanks to the brady campaign that passed background checks in 1983. the problem is it only applies to 60% of gun sales. in 40% of gun sales, a convicted felon, a domestic abuser, a person adjudicated to be dangerously mentally ill, can walk into a gun show, over the internet and buyul the guns they want. that is dangerous. dangerous. >> stephen: once again what's the web site? >> wearebetterthanthis.org. >> stephen: all right, sir. good luck with your campaign. may the best man win. dan gross,

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody.

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