>> stephen: tonight the olympics are coming. as excited as a 12-year-old chinese jim taft prepping to be scene. then the culture wars cofast food. from now dairy queen is dairy l.b.g.t. north korean dictator kim has married. the couple is registered at bed, bath, and enriched uranium.

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome to the report, everybody! thank you for joining us. thank you all one and all. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: that's the real deal. that is the real deal. that is the pure, uncut new york flake. folks i am as pumped as you are. my guest tonight is england's ambassador to the united states sir peter peter westmacott. he is in the dressing room right now, getting his banger mashed. i assume. he's here because the 2012 london olympic games start tomorrow. although with the time difference, it could be the day

after tomorrow or last week. the point is, i am, will be, or have been thrilled. ( laughter ) i love the summer games. from track and field to diving to other sports america cares deeply about for two weeks every four years. i want to say ocean tennis or two-man bench curling, or whatever. it's not just the summer games. two years ago, colbert nation saved the vancouver olympics by sponsoring the american speedskating team who brought home the gold, two civillers and a bronze. not bad. unlike-- unlike the snowboarding team who brought home gold, two dime bags and a black light poster of a surfing tiger. this is the four report. ( cheers and applause )

>> the four report presents stephen colbert '012. >> stephen: of course, every olympics begin with the opening ceremonies in which the host nation showcases its culture, its history, and terrifying lockstep unity. well, this year, england is pringing it. according to the sunday "time" their opening ceremonies will feature 30 mary poppinses descending to find a 30-foot lord lord voldemort. it's even inspired an ace book in the series "harry potter and the death of the franchise." notice, for many, for many, the games are about watching world class feats of athleticism. but for me, it's all about hearing them. the crack of the bat. the swish of the three-pointer. the thud of my interest in soccer.

( laughter ) hearing those sounds really puts viewers at the center of the action, but audio engineer dennis baxter says some olympic sounds are impossible to capture. for instance, there are real challenges with rowing. >> the helicopter and the chase boat just completely wash out the sound. >> stephen: sounds tricky. also, am i the only one who thinks it's a little unfair for those boats to have to race a helicopter? ( laughter ) but sound engineers have found a workaround. >> we went out a canoe with a couple of rowers and covered the shot of the boats. >> stephen: that's right, folks, the olympics are injected with performance-enhancing audio. but i say if we're going to add sounds to jack up the sport's entertainment value, why not go all the way?

>> he got it! >> stephen: the sweet sound of victory. of course, there is one sound from games that needs no enhancing, the deafening roar of hot, slapping flesh, echoing throughout the olympic villang during the quadrennial bone-a-thon. >> "espn th is tearing the lid t goes on behind the cbs at the olympic village. >> swimmer ryan lochte estimates 70% to 75% of all olympians are having sex. >> in many cases it's celebratory sex for the winners. in the case of losers, it's the consolation prize. >> stephen: you may not get the gold, the silver, or the bronze, but chances are you, you receive the wood.

now, according to olympian carrie sheinberg, the olympic village is "a magical fairy tale place like "alice in wonderland" where everything is possible. you could win a gold medal, and you can sleep with a really hot guy. ( laughter ) that's a slightly different edition of "alice in wonderland" than i read as a child. let's just hope a month later, none of the female athletes are running around like this. >> i'm late, i'm late. ( applause ) >> stephen: of course, the olympics is attracting visitors from all over the world. even america's crowned prince of running for president, mitt romney. he's on the first leg of his world charm offensive. and mitt really grabbed england by the crumpet. when he was asked about the london games. >> and in the short time you've been here in london, do they look ready to your experienced

eye? >> you know, it's hard to know just how well it will turn out. there are a few things that were disconcerting-- the stories about the private security firm not having enough people. the supposed strike of the immigration and customs officials. that, obviously, is not something which is encouraging. >> stephen: that is the same classic romney charm he used to woo his wife, ann. roses are red, violates are blue, there are few things that are disconcerting about your hair. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, it surgeons out, it surgeons out-- and this was completely unexpected-- that mitt's comment there upset a few people in england. no one important. just the conservative prime minister david cameron. who got his knickers in a twist, and hinged this little diddy about rom snee's shake olympics. >> we are holding an olympic games in one of the busiest,

most active bustling city anywhere in the world. of course it's easier if you hold the olympic games in the middle of nowhere. >> stephen: hey, buddy, utah's not in the middle of nowhere. it's in the northwest corner of nowhere. ( laughter ) ( applause ) get your geography straight, dr. who. you know what? you know what? you stay strong, mitt. remember, your next stop is israel. keep up the charm offensive. ( laughter ) i say you open your speech to theica kineset, america will always stand behind you, and so will jesus christ. now where can a boy get some baby back ribs in palestine. we'll be right back.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. nation-- thanks, folks. very nice. a big night here at the report. nation, as i'm sure know, our country is at war-- no, jimmy, a war we still talk about. the culture war. and in the culture war, there is no bigger front than gay marriage. recently, homosexuals have been threatening a sacred union between a company and its customers. ( laughter ) come on! it's at&t not at & steve. ( laughter )

recently, companies like j.c. penny and oro cookie have come out in support of gay rights, but one fast food company has drawn the line in the lard. >> for years, people have criticized the fast food franchise chick-fil-a for donating medicine of dollars to groups that oppose same-sex marriage. now, the company's president can death is responding to that criticism saying, hey, guilty as charmed. >> i think we're inviting god's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say we know better than you what constitutes a marriage. >> stephen: no surprise chick-fil-a supports traditional marriage. unlike k.f.c.ee double-down. two micken breasts rubbing up against each other. that is nothing but a lesbian fantasy snack. i think the people who are criticizing chick-fil-a are not but a bunch of monsters, furrow ones. >> makers of muppets cutting

their ties with chick-fil-a. the company president dan cathy recently announced the company was guilty as charged-- his words-- opposing gay marriage. jim hencen had been working with the company but after the announcement, they ended that partnership. >> stephen: no shock there. the muppets have been pro gay for years. how else to explain a couple of bitchy old men who love going to the theater together? ( laughter ) ( applause ) i don't know. thankfully, people are stepping up to defend chick-fil-a. like independent teenager abbey farley who defended the company from the muppets on facebook although the conspiracy theorists accused abbey of being a fake front for the corporation just because her account was created yesterday morning and her profile picture was a stock photo of a teenage girl. so that's just chick-fil-a

standing up for a different minority. our proud stock photo americans. they're just average folk who go to work. spend time with their family. laugh while eating salads. and enjoy racially diverse time. ( applause ) but it's not just-- ( applause ) yes. we stand with you. but it's not just people who are defending chick-fil-a. so are politicians. like friend of the show, but not friend of dorothy, governor mike huckabee, who has declared august 1 chick-fil-a appreciation day. and he was joined by another culture warrior who is standing up for chick-fil-a which is almost as hard as standing up after chick-fil-a. former presidential candidate rick santorum. ( laughter ) ( applause ) who tweeted-- who tweeted in support of huckabee and later added three older kids just

joined us at chick-fil-a. they like chick-fil-a sauce on everything. that's right, folks. if you like santorum, you'll love chick-fil-a sauce. ( laughter ) it's a frothy mix of sweet and spicy. but the greatest thing, the greatest thing about this controversy i believe is that we have finally managed to politicize yet another part of our lives. i mean, i've got to know what positions my food has taken on all the issues. for example, i love carl's jr. western burger. it must be anti-obamacare because it is clearly trying to kill us. ( laughter ) and whenever i go to applebee's, i insist they only wings. after all, you are what you eat. and now, you also believe what you eat. we'll be right back. ( applause ) ( cheering )

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, welcome back to the show. in the words of paul revere-- the british are coming. oh, wait. the british are here.

please welcome ambassador sir peter westmacott. ( cheers and applause ) ambassador, thank you so much. please have a seat, sir. thank you so much for being here. now, it is sir peter, correct? >> well, if you wish, yes. >> stephen: i-- i do wish because i'm a sir myself. i am the reverend sir t., most deft colbert, heavyweight champion of the world. >> they didn't tell me that. >> stephen: they didn't tell you that? it's not a contest but i'm winning. your lordship, your excellency, your fancy pants. and now, there's a lot of talk going on these days, what with mitt romney over there, just charming you people to pieces about what's called the special relationship between the united

states and britain. what is the special relationship. is that anything like confirmed bachelors? >> not quite that. it's brits and americans going back a very long way, and having been very good friends since we had a little war. when we -- >> stephen: well, well. we don't like to think about the war of 1812 because you guys actually came down and burned washington. we like to focus on kicking your butt at concord. >> okay. >> stephen: all right. is it painful-- >> since then it's been great. >> stephen: is it painful for the britisham to be here in the united states? if you guys had just been nice to us 230years ago, all this could have been yours. you could be the ambassador to yourself. what would that be like? >> that would be a bit weird, a bit kinky. i think we didn't give you much choice. we didn't make it easy for you to stay part of the empire. so we understand-- you did what you do, and since them, to be honest, you know, we have been

pretty good friends, and we have stood shoulder to shoulder in many, many parts of the world in many difficult conflicts. >> stephen: absolutely. and now you're under one of your most difficult circumstances of all time. you're hosting the olympic games. is it england ready to host these games? because mitt romney has his doubts. are you guys ready to rock this one? >> we're as ready as we can be. can we giveue. >> stephen: that is a great sales job. ( laughter ) >> we do understatement in the english language. >> stephen: yes, you do. >> if you get over-confident, if you say it's going to be absolutely purpose and it goes wrong, you have a thunderstorm or something, it's a problem. we have done all we can to be ready. we've done lots and lots of security. we've rehursed everything. we built everything on time. we built is a year ago in advance and we are under budget, and we believe we have done as good a job as we can. >> stephen: what about england yourself? what do you think you're going to take medals in? >> we're quite good at doing stuff you do sitting town, like, rowing and cycling, and

horseback riding and sailing. >> stephen: americans are all very good at sitting down. any of the events that involve remote controls, we've got wrapped up. now, new york, new york city, the city we're in right now, we vied for the 2012 games and you guys beat us out for the 2012 games. are you here to gloat right now? >> we don't like to gloat but you did have the olympic games three times in the last 30 years and to have it four times in 30 years would be a bit greedy. we haven't had it in 70 years. >> stephen: 70 years? >> 64, i think, when we last had them. >> stephen: that was back when most of the competition was poetry. >> we invented the paraolympics. we're proud of that. >> stephen: good for you. absolutely. the 51st parolympian to move over into the olympic games. i think it's blade runner. >> i think that's right.

>> stephen: i said it, so it must be true. can i ask something about your job? are you ambassador of the queen or are you the ambassador of the prime minister's government? >> being british, it's a little bit mixed. i am her majesty's ambassador. >> stephen: okay. >> but i am chosen by the british government, but i am not a political appointee. i'm a career foreign officer and british ambassadors around the world always are. the process is the government selects me, her majesty signs off. i'm her ambassador but the government's choice. >> stephen: do you have to report to her? >> not very often. >> but sometimes. >> stephen: is it true you don't turn your back on her? >> that is true. >> stephen: you just back out of the room. do you have, like, mirrors on your palms? does it go deep, deep, deep, when you're going away from her? >> it's not quite like that. what you do is you do a little neck bow to take your leave, and then you can actually turn and walk out forward so that you don't walk into the furniture backwards. >> stephen: are the united states and england going to keep

the close ties they always have? what most-- what most joins us and what most divide us sir? >> my job is to try to ensure that those ties remain very, very close. a lot of things tie us. we are almost always, shoulder to shoulder-- ever since 1812, anyway, when there is a conflict around the world the brits and america stand side by side and we have forces in different companies. but we have language. we have got values. we have democracy and we have business. the united kingdom is the biggest foreign investor in america. one million people in this country owe their jobs to british companies. 1 million brits owe their jobs to working with american companies. we have value, with the theater and the drama and the movies you make in our brilliant studios and the shakespeare you share with us, and so on. >> stephen: do we owe you guys money? because the chinese we owe a ton of money to. >> we only stopped paying you money for the money you lent us

in the second world war in about 2002. >> stephen: that took a long time to pay your chit. we let the germans off the hook? >> you gave them martial aid. you were extremely farsighted. >> stephen: next time you guys shouldn't give your blood, your sweat, and your tears. you should say we'll take the marshal plan. >> you did help us win the war. >> stephen: that's true. good luck with the olympics. are you going back there right now? >> no, i'm staying here because tomorrow when you broadcast almost live the great opening ceremony, i shall be having a few hundred of my nearest and dearest friend in my house in washington, d.c., and we'll celebrate the olympics at the embassy, so i shall be there. >> stephen: what should i wear? >> come as you are. you look great. >> stephen: ambassador peter

westmacott. we'll be right back.

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, before we go, i want i want to welcome two new members of the colbert nation, born to max werner. max, treasure this photo because it is the last moment they'll be asleep at the same time. ( laughter ) congratulations to the whole werner family. clover and july are beautiful, and max, if your angle on having twins was to score twice the paternity leave. sorry, buddy, it actually halves