[ applause ] >> welcome back, assholes. i would like to thank smp for taking our argument that ass holes should not be pwhroepd on television. [beep] is right around the corner. next week these black cheerleaders get a web redemption. (oh!) >> it's not fare the white schools have all the lawn. be sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. keep up with our daily blogs. tickets are on sale for tosh tower on ice. tour on ice.

your college submissions are getting better. check out this entry from kansas state ♪ ♪ ♪ kansas state [laughing] >> just try to stop me from coming. [laughing] >> a few weeks ago i showed you stuff you never want to hear girls say and asked our female viewers to send in stuff that you don't want to hear guys say. you skaoud it up. the idea was to shoot guys saying those things. instead you put yourselves in there because it's always about you. here is the best ten seconds i could salvage from you sent. in. >> girlfriend is such a confusing term. >> your butts not on it's period. >> choke me. >> your fingers are fat. >> i want to tell you. >> surprise no guy told her tank

is on backwards. lesson learned i will never ask you women to do anything again. by the way her fingers were fat. good night. [ applause ] (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen,

pleasure to have you with us. welcome to the report. you guys over there, nation, the london olympics are finally under way. i tell threw is nothing like the thrill of seeing team u.s.a. triumph in an internethead line and then waiting to see it confirmed on nbc seven hours later. i mean the suspense. did the cameras capture what happened? did my cable go out? this is the sp sport report. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> the sport report presents stephen-- coverage 012. >> stephen: folks there is one thing i have never understood about the olympics. for some reason they open the games with the halftime show. (laughter) i think it's metric. i don't know. well, after the chilling

onslaught of the beijing opening ceremony, london had a tough act to follow. would the british people be as willing to spend their lives living in tiny boxes? (laughter) the director of the ceremony academy award winner danny boyle answered beijing's majesty with his salute to landscaping. (laughter) i did not know the british had so many mexicans. i tell you t is time to build a bridge in the chunnel. for one part of the show really twisted my tea bags. a song and dance number celebrating the nhs, britain's socialist national health service. look at that. that kid's not even six. he's faking it to get free health care. get ready for obamacare, folks. instead of taking you to a hospital, they throw you on

a rolling disco bed and cram you a thousand at a time into a stadium while spectatorser. >> when your colonoscopy gets thrown up on the cam. it's coming. don't kid yourself. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's what's coming. kiss, i can! (laughter) but you know what, that's over. the games are on and america is doing great. right now the united states and china are tied in total medals. naturally the u.s. trails in gold because every time we win one, we hand it over on the podium to pay off our national debt. (laughter) but of course, folks, all of this is just filler. while we wait for the olympic event i declared the sport of the summer, dressage.

the graceful, interplay of man and beast. but legal. now the medal final for dressage or horse ballet will be held tomorrow. now i've been a lifelong fan of dressage ever since a month ago when i learned that the romneys own a horse rafalca who is in london for these olympics. now technically it is his wife's horse. but mitt could not be more excited or more of a supportive husband. >> i have to tell you, this is ann's sport. i'm not even sure which day the sport goes on. she will get the chance to see it. i will not. (laughter) >> stephen: m itt is jazzed. he just doesn't know that much about the sport. when's it on. what's it's called. who is thatñixdçó woman who is always hanging out withxd me at the breakfast table.

now folks, no surprise. no surprise the liberal critics call dressage elitist. just because the uniform makes you look like lady mary's suitor from downton abbey. (laughter) >> i expected this from liberals but i did not expect this from a conservative like charles krauthammer. >> i'm not sure why the horse has to be in the most upper-class hoity-toity olympic event ever invented. it's unnecessary. they're running for the presidency. >> how dare you, sir. (laughter) dressage is not hoity-toity it is froufrou. get your facts straight. (applause) well, folks, the people, the working people love dressage. (laughter) well, folks, to prove that dressage is for joe sick pack i got down and dirty in

the blue collar world of velvet top hats. jim? >> stephen: to prove that dressage is the new american pass time, i headed to hawthorne hill in long vally, new jersey, to meet with former olympic-- olympian and coach of the 2012 u.s. equistrian team michael barisone. (laughter) (applause) >> michael, thank you so much for having me. >> it's a pleasure to you have here. is there a problem? because-- am i getting shadow on my face here? is this better? >> stephen: wow, dressage. just like i pictured it. horses and everything.

>> okay, i'll lose it. thanks very much. michael, once again, thank you for talking to me today. >> my pleasure. >> why are you the guy to teach me about dressage? >> i don't know that i can accurately answer that. >> okay. thank you. >> this isn't the guy, evidently. let's go. i will give you one more shot at this. >> i'll do it. >> why are you the guy to teach me about dressage? >> well, i'm a man rider and i think i relate well to other male riders and i have a lot of experience. >> stephen: i have named dressage the official sport of the summer. >> clay. >> stephen: one question about dressage. what is it? what-- because i can't quite figure out what's happening

out there. what are you doing with the horse? >> as a rider or the general performance of what i am doing. >> stephen: kind of the whole thing. what's happening. >> the horse has three basic gaits. a walk, and a trot and a cantor. and we developed the highest level their ability within those gaits. eventually at the olympic level you put it to music and ride to freestyle which is much like a free skate in the figure skating. >> stephen: how do you get the skates on the horse. >> you don't. >> stephen: the horse does it. i find that hard to believe. >> i'm using it as a comparison to another sport. >> stephen: oh, i'm sorry. i have some suggestions on how to make dressage or horse dancing just as awesome as possible. how about a horse more pit, where all the horses are just kind of flal around. >> no, no. it needs to be nice and fluid and steady and even and everything is supposed to be metred. (laughter)

>> stephen: you are he good. is there singing in dressage? >> final round at the olympics-- sses. >> stephen: hold on. ♪ and then i come out and i sing the son that we dance to. how about that. >> well, i would say-- . >> stephen: i'm thinking like sort of a dirty dantzing. like i've had the time of my life which stand in the center of the ring and the horse comes at me and i lift-- i lift the-- what about that. >> i think will you have a hard time picking her up. >> stephen: what is the or begin of dressage. did just one day some young horse say to his dad, dad, i don't want to charge into battle. i just want to dance! >> well, it's based in military riding. the garden variety horse

that i would try to make an olympic horse out of will not be good at running into a battle of blazing guns. will probably run away from it. >> stephen: they're not big enough. >> they are just high strung and not real brave. >> stephen: what dow measure horse in. >> in hands. >> stephen: how big that is that. >> a hand is four. >> jon: is that-- i think the origin of something about the size of your hand but it depends on the size of your hand. >> stephen: you know what they say about big hands. >> i have no idea what they say about big hands. >> stephen: large horse. also you blooep-- huge [bleep]. >> in order to do dressage, is it absolutely necessary that i go near a horse because i have a lifelong deep seeded fear of all animals. >> it could get in the way of you being successful. >> stephen: how should i avoid getting my skull

kicked off my body. >> normally don't go right by the horse. that usually doesn't turn out well. >> stephen: does the horse win the medal or the person win the medal. >> the rider. >> stephen: because the horse seems to be doing a lot of horse dancing. >> the majority, i would say, of the performance is based upon what the horse is doing. >> stephen: right. >> the medals award to the rider but it is really for the combination. >> stephen: right. i see you have some awards back here. what do i have to do to wear that tiara. >> the tiaras were won by myself. >> stephen: that's your tiara. >> i won it. >> stephen: i don't understand why people say dressage is an elitist sport. i mean you guys wear tiaras. >> if you completed your lesson you can wear the tiara. >> stephen: michael, let's get our dressage on. >> game on. >> stephen: join me tomorrow as i go for the tiara and gain intimate knowledge of the tools of the trade. put some muss kneel it, i

can take it. >> i can't. >> stephen: just one,

>> welcome back, everybody. nation, you watch this show you know i'm a long-time fan

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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new book called i ate everyone starting with me. personally i would have started with hitler. please welcome joan rivers. (cheers and applause) joan, twhau some of for coming on. >> lovely to be here. >> did you bring sheet music doing uptempo or balance

add. >> i thought i might be asking political questions and i hate everybody so i just wanted to make sure. >> stephen: okay, good, good. what an honor to you have on, what a ledge end you are. >> yeah, right. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: decades in the business. television, stage. you opened for granted -- >> in many ways. >> stephen: you've done everything. >> stephen: now you've got a book now, how many books have you done so far. >> this is my 7th. >> stephen: lucky 7. >> and on the best-seller list so go figure. >> stephen: fantastic. all right. (applause) >> stephen: the book is called joan rivers, i hate everyone, starting with me. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. how do you find the strength to hate everyone. >> it's so easy. are you out of your mind. it's so easy. >> stephen: hate is easy. >> how many things dow hate. you live in such a-- . >> stephen: i was not a you

laed to say hate growing up. >> you weren't a you tlood say hate. >> stephen: my mother did not allow us to say hate, you had to say i dislike intensely. hate say corossive. >> that's so midwestern. that is so-- . >> stephen: i'm from south carolina. >> same. my family we just hated everybody. it was-- . >> stephen: so instead of sunday movie night it was sunday let's hate somebody night. >> my first three years of my life i thought my name was hey schmuck t started with the children, so you know. >> stephen: do you hate everybody individually or dow hate blanketly or people individually. >> no, no, no. this book represents, i speak for everybody. and-- everybody-- . >> stephen: i speak for everyone, madame. >> i speak for everybody-- everybody hates something. where do you want to start. where do you want to start. do you want to start with children on planes. >> stephen: yes. >> lady, lady, lady. where is casey anthony when you need her. i mean-- .

>> stephen: i want to thank everybody for joining us on my last show. it's been a wonderful seven years. >> but i mean everybody hates certain things and i just put down on the book things that annoy me. >> stephen: are these things you hated your entire life or new hate. >> oh, all new. the olympics. >> stephen: you hate the olympics. >> it was like berlin, 1937, paul mccartney, hey jew, i just take offense. and the queen applauded. good idea. she was pretty. >> stephen: the queen was. you know she didn't seem that happy. >> you think so. >> stephen: i think she was just worn out because she say bond girl now and you know 007 tag add that. >> i've only seen her on a stamp so i went over and licked the bag of her head. >> stephen: you work every day, the hardest working

woman in show business. >> i love what i do. >> stephen: you are such a role mod told the young people who don't understand hard work. >> who cares. >> stephen: dow hate young people. >> i hate young people. >> stephen: i don't trust them. they are here to replace us. >> i don't like anyone whose breasts are above her belt. i'll tell you right now. it's that simple. >> stephen: how do you feel about yourself. why dow hate you. >> because, kuz i hate people. i hate old people. >> stephen: you don't look old. >> yeah, well, we know why. in the dressing room there's all the extra skin, i took it and made another little person. it sits right beside me. >> stephen: tomorrow night's guest. >> it's tomorrow night's guest. (applause) >> stephen: so i am going to ask you some political questions. >> don't. >> stephen: when i looked through the book there is really nothing political in

here. >> no. >> stephen: you don't get political but everything in america today is political. like our food's even political. our chicken sandwiches have to be political now. how do you avoid it. >> luckily i have splept with so many presidents over the years that, where do you start. teddy roosevelt. >> stephen: you slept with teddy. >> he was some roughrider. (applause) >> stephen: bully. are you ever going to stop? >> why? >> stephen: because-- you are exhausted. >> i love the business. and i don't want to die because first of all you know what would be lucky for you f i died today on this show. do you understand-- your audience the rest of their lives you could say we were there. we saw it. she was talking to him. >> stephen: joan, thank you so much for joining me.

joan rivers, everybody. i hate everyone starting with me. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) her cup of?

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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. boom! my name is jon stewart. we got one for you tonight. rashida jones is going to be joining us.

(cheers and applause) you think i'm lying. i'm not lying. folks continuation has begun. the first triple x olympics. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i'm being told that's the 30th olympics. (laughter) you sure it's not triple x. have you seen the beach volleyball? you have seen it? someone has sand in their butt. (laughter) you remember the beijing opening ceremonies, where a tribute to what monolithic state control can accomplish. like the summoning of a thousand, 100,000 drummers to beat out, we will defeat new synchronized morse code. well, the london olympics seize your autocratic perfection and raises you the power of freedom. from giant ghost babies to a

tribute to the flying bicycle, from kenneth branagh's smug approval to mr. bean's devastatingly entertaining total incompetence. oh, bean, you should be fired. the u.k. painted with all of freedom's colors including the queen of danger, double o, oh no you-- geronimoooooooo base hilarious is the head who wears the crown. it was an incredible, cheeky at times, poignant spectacle. (laughter) very moving. except, of course, for the american audience. >> nbc editing out of the opening ceremoniesing a tribute, a dance tribute to the victims of the 77 london subway bombings and instead ran a ryan seecrest interview with swimmer michael phelps. >> a